coping w/sexual trama

[lucky7]

Hi.

 

Ok here goes. I am in my early 20's now and the abuse started very young. I have had several incidents of molesation and my parents knew and to this day I live with resentment that no one ever cared enough to put me into counseling.

 

When I was 12 yrs old I was kidnapped in Florida while visiting my dad for the summer. It was the most terrible, traumatic ordeal I have ever been through and I just turned 22 and still think about it everyday.

 

It was a stranger that lured me to his car at a gas station. I was on the phone outside crying because I wanted to go back home to Texas and I felt bad that I didnt want to be with my dad because I felt his was kind of a stranger since I only saw him on holidays and summers. He took me across several states. At first he acted nice then I wanted to get out of the car and he punched me and knocked me unconcious. then he pulled over and tied me up with making tape and threw me in the backseat and told me he would kill me if I opened my eyes.

 

So we ended up in the woods and he molested me. At the time I was very into God and had extreme faith in Him. I started singing a song I knew in church and the guy stopped and said he felt bad and he would take me back home if I didnt tell anyone. I agreed.

 

It was a miracle, everyone was so scared I was gone. But NO ONE ever made me go to counseling, or even asked me what happened. The only people that knew were the FBI and my dad sat there while I told the story but that was it. I am trying not to cry as I am writing this.

 

After that I became promiscuous. I thought that I didnt care about life. I used to make straight A's in school then it got to the point where I wouldnt go that often. All the while I said i didnt care about anything but looking back I felt so depressed.

 

A few years later at 14 I found out my dad had cancer and had six months to live from October. My brother (then 12) and I went to live with him until he died. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I came to love my father very much and realized all that he had done for us. My father said to keep hope and be strong. I tried to be as strong as much as I could, I loved him so much and didnt want to let him go. I saw him at the hospital all the time until he finally passed away soon after my birthday in January. i was there the day he died. This man was so strong (he was in a deep sea diver in the ARMY for 16 yrs), he was so kind to us and he said his biggest regret was he wouldn't get to see his children grow up.

 

During that time I got worse and started partying and getting drunk every weekend. I met someone my junior year of high school, and everything turned around. I was with him for 4 yrs but we broke up a couple of years ago. I broke up with him, because I felt that I was too dependent and needed to get better whether that meant being by myself or getting counseling.

 

I thought I would get better but two years later I am having the same problems. I have dated a lot of men but I get too involved right away and it fizzles before it really starts. I tried to break the pattern once by taking it slow, then I got paranoid when the guy I was dating didnt pressure me for sex. At this time I am single, I am trying so hard to be a better person, I go out a lot, Im tyrying to reconnect with my family and learn to forgive. I have a really good job and am able to support myself and can spend freely, and I have good friends. People would never guess that I had problems like this-they see me as a happy go lucky person that enjoys life.

 

Despite that I feel so empty inside and I am so scared that I will never have a good relationship because I dont know how to trust people to get to know the real me. I finally made an appt. to go see a counselor next week, which took everything in me to do so. I didnt realize that a step like that could be so hard.

 

So my question is...I have tried to make appts before (twice) and each time I quit after a couple of sessions. any advice on how I can tell myself that this is good for me and to stick with it, despite that I dont feel like I have support from family which is all I ever wanted to begin with.

[yes]

my god, that's terrible - i don't know what to say. but it sounds like more counselling is exactly what you need - perhaps you didn't stick to it because you didn't like the counsellors? try to find one you like. also, let the counsellor know right away that you have a tendency to quit - that in itself may be smth to discuss.

 

when i first went for counselling, i also wanted to quit after two or three sessions, but the counsellor convinced me to stay, and god am i glad i did!...

 

best of luck,

-yes

[EnigmaXOXO]

You are a SURVIVOR…and a damn good one at that!

 

Have you any idea the amount of self-determination and intestinal fortitude it would take most people in your situation to get through this alone?? Not only did you pick yourself up and move beyond it…but you’ve managed to THRIVE without anyone’s help!

 

What a wonderful inspiration and help you would be some day for others who have been where you are. What you could share, and what someone could learn from you would be absolutely invaluable.

 

After that I became promiscuous. I thought that I didnt care about life. I used to make straight A's in school then it got to the point where I wouldnt go that often. All the while I said i didnt care about anything but looking back I felt so depressed.

 

Don’t beat yourself up over this. Many adolescents go through this phase regardless of whether there has been trauma in their past or not. You are no longer that child, and living in the past will only hold you back from becoming the wonderfully strong woman that you are evolving into. You hurt no one, and the damage done to yourself will only be minimal if you gleaned an important life lesson from it. We are ALL learning the same lessons, just in different ways and at different times. You already crossed that hurdle, so keep moving forward and refrain from looking back too often.

 

This man was so strong (he was in a deep sea diver in the ARMY for 16 yrs), he was so kind to us and he said his biggest regret was he wouldn't get to see his children grow up.

 

And the apple never falls far from the tree. I think you are living proof of that, and I can only imagine how proud your father must be of you now. How wonderful that you managed to reconcile your differences before having to say goodbye. Many estranged relatives never get the chance to heal old wounds and live with the regret for the rest of their lives. It feels so good to let go of stubborn animosities and give people the love and forgiveness we so often seek for ourselves. In doing this, that gift is rewarded back to us twice fold. Never underestimate the power of a clear conscious and peace of mind!

 

I was with him for 4 yrs but we broke up a couple of years ago. I broke up with him, because I felt that I was too dependent and needed to get better whether that meant being by myself or getting counseling.

 

Typical coping method for those who are accustomed to working out their own problems and dealing with their own crisis. Hard to determine whether this is just an inherent part of your nature, or something you learned how to do because of circumstance and situation. It may also explain why you are uncomfortable turning your problems over to a councilor or sharing too much personal information with other people:

 

People would never guess that I had problems like this-they see me as a happy go lucky person that enjoys life.

 

I have tried to make appts before (twice) and each time I quit after a couple of sessions.

 

You’ve already done a marvelous job of self-healing, but perhaps once you’ve found someone comfortable enough to talk to, you may find it easier to let go and open up. It will feel like one BIG emotional enema!! And I’d be willing to bet money that any therapist would be impressed at how far you’ve already come on your own. As far as family support…sure, it would be nice, but lack of support has never stopped you from taking the necessary steps before. You don’t strike me as a lady who lets much stand in her way!

 

Despite that I feel so empty inside and I am so scared that I will never have a good relationship because I dont know how to trust people to get to know the real me.

 

Of course you lack trust given all you’ve been through. Many of us (myself included) have a hard time letting down our guards. And there are lots of single people who also feel something is lacking in their lives absent a romantic relationship…and wonder if they will ever find their one-n-only. That has nothing to do with what you’ve been through. It’s simply a fact of life and why forums like this one still exist. On the other hand, relationships come with their own set of problems so its always beneficial to be cautious about who you’re rushing into one with.

 

Be careful what you ask for…you just might get it!!

 

As for you…there is still PLENTY of time, although I know that’s not what you want to hear. Considering the amazing person you are, it might be rather difficult to find someone your age who is of equal caliber. It may take a few years. But the guy who finally lassos your heart should consider himself lucky, indeed. What a strong, but kind-hearted partner you will make someone one day!

[SoleMate]

I'm with Enigma - you survived and thrived. Yes, your parents should have done more for you then. Can you forgive them, and also forgive yourself?

 

And I think now is the time to go and get that counselling you never had. Even just a few targeted sessions may help you put this horrible incident truly in the past. I know - I have gotten terrific help from counsellors at dealing with a very traumatic incident that messed my life up a lot.

 

Good luck and God bless.

[Thinkalot]

Power to you, and well done and being so strong and doing so well! I agree with the others...try a new counsellor and stick with it for a while, forgive your parents now for the past, and continue going forward in leaps and bounds as you have been. Counsellors, pyschologists whatever, can be very helpful in my experience, and sometimes you don't see the benefits until after you've been going for a while.

 

You have been through so much, and done so well! Blessings to you.