Choosing Forgiveness

[trippi1432]

I felt compelled to post this message...I joined Divorce Care almost a year ago, but this message today was where I was with my ex several months ago. I am not trying to pass a message of God, but more a message of truth here.

 

Choosing Forgiveness

 

If you choose not to forgive your former spouse, what are you going to do with the resentment you carry and the grievances you have? What are your plans for them?

 

Harold Graham says, "You take these grievances and hug them to yourself as if they are your most prized possessions, when really they are the very thing that's taking the life out of you, taking your health, .....and taking your ability to love."

 

This is absolute!!! ~ Trippi

 

Forgiveness is hard. Impossible, you may say..... You will learn about the release and the freedom that comes with forgiveness.

 

Laura Petherbridge says, "Many of us feel that we don't have the ability to forgive, and I would say that's absolutely true. If you're looking within yourself to be able to come up with a way to forgive, you're not going to get far. Within your own strength you do not have the ability to truly forgive.

While the message continues to tell it's readers to give in to God to seek forgiveness, I feel it IS within our hearts to truly forgive no matter what you believe in.....therefore I would disagree with the above. I feel that we all have the ability to forgive without looking to a higher power to be our crutch....it has to be within our being....our persona. That is character, it is what keeps us going from day to day and YES!! it is a hard thing to do, but it is where we all need to get to even in the darkest hour....whether it be spouses, children or the stress from our jobs or a combination of the above. Rebecca Lynn Howard probably sang it best although it is an oxymoron, it is where we all start at for the most part....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTFX0Q7rq-E (I sang this before I got the ILYBNILWY speech)~ Trippi

 

"If you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. If you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?" (John 20:23 Msg). (ok....I will leave this part in here....but only because it comes from a book.)

[spriggig]

what are you going to do with the resentment you carry and the grievances you have? What are your plans for them?[/u]

 

Harold Graham says, "You take these grievances and hug them to yourself as if they are your most prized possessions, when really they are the very thing that's taking the life out of you, taking your health, .....and taking your ability to love."

 

This is absolute!!! ~ Trippi

 

We hang onto the grievances--and choose not to forgive--to stave off the guilt. Because at the end of a relationship, there are really only two directions to point your finger.

[gobbleguts]

Well said!!!

[JRoy]

I choose to forgive & forget, but the 'forget' creeps back. Seems, as of late, just a loosing battle.

And maybe that's just it, its a battle. It wears.

[Steadfast]

Trippi,

 

This is an awesome post, and so very true. In my case, I didn't begin to really heal and move on until I forgave my ex. That doesn't mean I've forgotten (or more importantly, forgotten what I've learned from it) but it really is as simple as not holding it against them anymore. Let go of it!

 

For me, it all began with the advice of a really good friend. I was explaining some of the challenges I was facing with my ex and he said this: "Just be nice. No matter what she says or does. Be nice. There is no way to turn it back against you; it's the perfect response. No matter what; just be nice".

 

I found after a time of putting this into practice that my heart began to soften. And the most amazing thing? So did hers. Now, if I need to approach her with a problem (like...a letter from the IRS! Oh no! ) she is more receptive to what I am saying. I have no sneaky motives, no plan of revenge. Her problems now consist of and are centered around the people in her life. Not me. In time, she started telling me she missed me, and...

 

Great post. One of a few on here now. Encouraging is good! It's awesome!

[trippi1432]

Thanks Steadfast...I have found this to be very relevant as well....

 

The Consequences of Unforgiveness

 

There are some serious consequences if you choose not to forgive, and these consequences will significantly affect your future. Harold Graham says when you do not forgive, you become an "angry, cynical, always-assuming-the-worst type of person." He says, "Unless you make that decision to forgive, all that emotional turmoil is going to make you a very unpleasant, lonely person for the rest of your life."

 

Dr. Myles Munroe talks about how unforgiveness eats away at a person's life. He says, "Unforgiveness destroys your life. You become crippled. You become bitter. You become strapped by hatred and anger. You develop ulcers, and you develop growths and cysts and high blood pressure. All of these things are products of unforgiveness. That's why a lot of people who are still bitter because of broken relationships end up getting sick physically. They have mental problems. They develop an emotional instability. Unforgiveness is a culprit that brings death."

 

Yes, but forgiveness brings freedom and life. The first thing you need to do, before you take any action or make any kind of plan, is to make the decision to forgive.

 

 

I'm just posting things that I feel are help to me...if someone else gets something from it...all the better. I've pretty much summed it up as not knowing s*it these days.....Hopefully one day I will find a place where people who care about each other don't hurt each other....I just have to keep moving towards that stability.

[trippi1432]

These are coming everyday now...and I just feel that they need to be said...this was where i was with my ex several months ago and these words are so very true for the ability to heal and move forward with your life. I have realized that I don't want to be a bitter and resentful person...I lived that way for 15 years with someone who was miserable with himself and his life. Ironically, we both admit this now...we both know where our faults lie and have forgiven ourselves as well as each other.

 

"Forgiveness is never easy. Your emotions will never ever, ever, ever want to forgive, " says Harold Graham.

 

Easy? No. Necessary for your healing? Aboslutely.

 

Muriel shares, "the key for me in getting on with my life was to forgive myself, and to forgive my ex for his part in the breakup of the marriage."

 

"Bitterness is a poison that can destroy you, and it never destroys the person it's aimed at. A way to get through bitterness is to forgive," says Christine.

 

Dr. Less Carter says, "I recall one woman who came to me ten years after her divorce. She was talking about her son's marriage and her daughter's graduation. Her ex was going to be at both. She had never resolved the fact that he had rejected her. She kept going over in her mind, "How could he have done this to me? Can't he see that he just ripped apart a family?" Her children would say, "Mom, we know the facts. We know he did it. We can't go back and rewrite history." She would always come back with those infamous words, "Yes, but...".

 

"That is a woman who is so stuck in the past that it's as though she is willing to hold on to that divorce, to hold on to that anger, as being the defining element in her personality."

 

Many people have a wrong definition of forgiveness. One wrong idea is that you cannot forgive someone until you "feel" like forgiving him or her. Forgiveness is not a feeling.

 

Doug Easterday says, "If you are waiting for a feeling in order to forgive, you'll have a long wait -- forever. You will not feel like forgiving. Your feelings can be your enemy.

 

Forgiveness is a choice you make. It needs to be separated from your feelings.

 

Laura Petherbridge says, "Forgiveness is such a complex issue during a divorce because it appears as though you are letting the other person get away with the offense. If you forgive, it feels as though you are saying, "My wound isn't real. This stab to my heart and the pain of rejection isn't significant."

 

Your wounds are real and they are important. No one wants to see you hurt. You do not need to make excuses for your feelings or pretend to other people that you were not hurt badly. This behavior does not solve anything. Be honest. You were hurt, and it's lousy. But physical and emotional wounds should not keep you from forgiveness.

 

"How do you forgive when you've been hurt so badly?" says Jan Northington. "Forgiveness comes in knowing the facts and being willing to let them go. Forgiveness is the only thing that allows you the kind of peace that will turn your mind from injustices in your life."

 

When you forgive your former spouse, it does not release your former spouse from being responsible for his or her actions. It does release you from orbiting around those hurtful events.

Edited July 22, 2010 by trippi1432
sp

[trippi1432]

"It's not a matter of how you feel," says Harold Graham. "It's not even a matter of how you think. It's a matter of your will. Your will is the part of you that makes your decisions. Either you will or you won't, or you do or you don't. It is that cut and dried. The difficulty is once you make that decision, your emotions will kick in and say, 'Time out, I really don't want to do this.'"

 

If you can let go and forgive, you will experience great freedom.

 

Nell Ann says, "He didn't deserve forgiveness. He didn't ask for it, and he didn't want it. I thought, Why should I forgive him? Finally I realized it was not for him. It was for me."

 

Cindy shares what she learned about forgiveness: "Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world. I felt like my heart and gut had been ripped out and thrown against the wall and left for dead. When I met with the pastor, I said, 'I can't forgive him. This is too hard for me.' He said 'Let's look at it like a business deal. Let's say your husband owes you ten thousand dollars. Let's say he can never pay you back this ten thousand dollars. Forgive the debt. Just forgive the debt and move on. It doesn't mean you have to go back and do business with him.'"

 

Choose to forgive the debt. Your former spouse cannot repay you for all the hurt and pain. Forgive the debt and accept the freedom that comes with forgiveness.

[You Go Girl]

Trippi

 

I know a lot about this issue, having been through hell created by myself for myself. That is what holding someone accountable for our emotions will do to us.

We can talk to someone who has a behavior we find unacceptable, or some difference of opinion, and sometimes not make any progress. This is true for every relationship. It all boils down to what you can live with. Changing the other person is impossible. Asking them to change and then not seeing the results we want can lead to immense frustration. Frustration means we need to keep thinking it through, and talking it through. If it leads us to anger, we are in a place where we can't make any progress ourselves. Anger blinds us. Anger is the wrong choice, but it's a sign of how we don't know how to work through frustration.

If a behavior is unacceptable and ongoing, we have only two choices. Live with it, or leave. If we live with it, we suffer. If we leave, we lose the effects of whatever behavior upset us, but we lose the rest of the person too.

The bottom line is that the saying "nobody owes you anything" is absolutely true, although hard to see at times. We aren't created to meet the needs of others, but to meet our own needs. It's dog eat dog, but it's the truth of life. Conflict arises. Another person not meeting my needs or wants is not flawed; no more so than if I don't meet another's needs or wants. It is selfish to expect someone to conform to our wants.

Finding flaws that we can live with. Having flaws that another can live with. Flaws are a given.

I think the idea of 'debt' is erased when we think about how another person on this planet wasn't created for our wants and needs.

Meeting the needs of a partner is paramount to survival of the relationship. Meeting wants is not always so.

Self-sacrifice, suffering through behavior that affects us negatively, are tough issues.

Compromise is the key, but it can't always be achieved. We all draw the line to acceptable behavior somewhere.

So the conflict continues, along with the passion and desire. It's true of every relationship.

I think the question of forgiveness disappears when we accept others for who they are, and then make our own appropriate life decisions.

It's tough, but there's no other path. I'm not talking about isolated incidents. Naturally they should be worked through, and forgiveness should take place-but as understanding. It's repeated behaviors that get us stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why? Because no understanding can seem to be reached. Conflict will continue forever until an understanding can be reached, and if none ever is, then a lack of understanding will be part of the relationship forever.

I prefer to throw out the word forgive altogether. If an understanding is accomplished, then the problem is solved. Forgiveness isn't needed. Understanding and conflict resolution were successful. Forgiveness is a religious word, I prefer to stick with psychology.

If no compromise, understanding, or cessation of behavior can be achieved, then forgiveness isn't necessary or even a question either. It's either something you can live with, or not.

Live and let live.

Edited July 30, 2010 by You Go Girl

[buckeye]

I think perhaps Don Henely said it best in his song The Heart of the Matter.

 

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down and hurt your pride

Better put it all behind you; life goes on

You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

 

I no longer feel anger towards my ex, just a profound sorrow.

[guthe]

I've been thinking about these lines for sometime. I believe the last line of the song goes "Even if you don't love me anymore". I saw a CD on forgiveness on our kitchen counter that my wife had bought, unopened. It's just frustrating that forgiveness has to happen at the pace of the forgiver, even if the "culprit" repeatedly asks for it. I told my wife I can get past her baseball "dates" with her new "friends". She has yet to move on from my not seeming to care about her on numerous occasions during our 14 years of marriage.

[Achlys]

 

Cindy shares what she learned about forgiveness: "Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world. I felt like my heart and gut had been ripped out and thrown against the wall and left for dead. When I met with the pastor, I said, 'I can't forgive him. This is too hard for me.' He said 'Let's look at it like a business deal. Let's say your husband owes you ten thousand dollars. Let's say he can never pay you back this ten thousand dollars. Forgive the debt. Just forgive the debt and move on. It doesn't mean you have to go back and do business with him.'"

 

Choose to forgive the debt. Your former spouse cannot repay you for all the hurt and pain. Forgive the debt and accept the freedom that comes with forgiveness.

 

 

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Ive been struggling so much with the how.

 

I can only say thank you for posting it!

[trippi1432]

Is Forgiveness a One-time Event?

 

"Forgiveness is a process," says Danny. "You can say to someone, 'I forgive you,' and it's just talk. It's not something you feel like doing. It's something you decide to do in order to let it go. No one really wants to forgive when they're hurting so badly. That feels so alien. Who wants to forgive someone who's hurt you so badly? But when you do forgive, you see that God will not only work in your life, but in the other person's."

 

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time occurrence. Jesus said to forgive a person who has wronged you seventy-seven times. He was basically saying to stop counting. Each time unforgiveness comes up in your heart, you need to choose once more to forgive.

 

"It's a daily thing, going before God and saying, 'Okay, Lord, I forgave yesterday. Now I need You to help me do it again today," says Laura Petherbridge.

 

The act of forgiving will be something you will need to choose, apply, and practice. You can make forgiveness a lifelong habit by training your mind to reject those thoughts that would cause you to harbor unforgiveness, resentment, or blame.

 

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'" (Matthew 18:21-22).

 

Lord Jesus, may I choose to have a heart of forgiveness again and again and again in obedience to You. Amen.

Taking Responsibility for Your Actions and Attitudes

Forgiveness is when you refuse to let the other person's actions and attitudes dictate your actions and attitudes.

 

Selma shares, "It finally hit me that when I had been saying, 'I forgive him for what he did to me,' I was not really forgiving him. Inside, I was thinking, Yes, I assume some responsibility for all of this, but I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't done whatever he did to me first. Regardless of what he did to me, the way I responded to him was totally my responsibility, not his."

 

When you say you accept some of the responsibility for things that have happened, are you sure your actions and attitude are reflecting your words? Forgiveness and taking responsibility involve more than saying the right words. They are both actions. Think about what actions you can take that will show you have forgiven the other person and that will show you are taking responsibility for yourself.

 

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud. . . . Do not repay anyone evil for evil. . . . If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. . . . 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:16-18, 20-21).

 

Dear Jesus, my inclination is to say, "I won't forgive until my former spouse does this, says that, or stops doing what he or she is doing." I understand, though, that if I think that way, I'm letting my former spouse control my actions and attitudes. I pray that my thoughts, words, and responses today are pleasing to You instead. Amen.

 

 

I left the whole verse in this time for both messages because this really does hit home in so many ways. For those of us who were left and for those of us who did the leaving....both can blame all day long....but at the end of the day, it takes two. Two to marry, two to maintain the love and two to work out the differences.

Admitting forgiveness or just the act of forgiveness does not excuse the act of being betrayed...yes that is a feeling that will be there for a while. But, it is a feeling that you allow yourself to have. Again, people do not make us angry, we allow ourselves to become angry. For every day that you harbor anger in your heart, you carry the world on your shoulders - it's another day that everyone else gets to be happy and another day that you will feel more weary...not able to breath, not able to get up in the morning, not able to function. In contrast, other people do not create our happiness for us, we do that for ourselves.

[trippi1432]

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Ive been struggling so much with the how.

 

I can only say thank you for posting it!

 

You are most welcome....if anyone can take something away from these and help them cope...then I have done something good for someone.

[The Bassman]

Everything you stated here is very true I believe, it is just hard to follow through with. I have been divorced since Feburary 2010, and this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Any thought of trying to forgive my wife, seems almost impossible. After reading your message here, I know we all will have to forgive or our lives will stay consumed by all of the bitterness, anger, and lonelyness, that go along with being left. Hang in there, hopefully time will take care of all of these feelings.

[worlybear]

Everything you stated here is very true I believe, it is just hard to follow through with. I have been divorced since Feburary 2010, and this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Any thought of trying to forgive my wife, seems almost impossible. After reading your message here, I know we all will have to forgive or our lives will stay consumed by all of the bitterness, anger, and lonelyness, that go along with being left. Hang in there, hopefully time will take care of all of these feelings.

I totally agree with this- but would like to add that I know I will never forgive the ow:mad:

[trippi1432]

I totally agree with this- but would like to add that I know I will never forgive the ow:mad:

 

I would have to agree with you on that one Worlybear. That's another type of forgiveness in my opinion. If it's any consolation, you can feel sorry for them though.

[trippi1432]

Everything you stated here is very true I believe, it is just hard to follow through with. I have been divorced since Feburary 2010, and this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Any thought of trying to forgive my wife, seems almost impossible. After reading your message here, I know we all will have to forgive or our lives will stay consumed by all of the bitterness, anger, and lonelyness, that go along with being left. Hang in there, hopefully time will take care of all of these feelings.

 

My heart out to you Bassman - time does help...but forgiveness is not just a one time thing...every time you think of the hurt, it's forgiving all over again. It's either that or resentment and I refuse to choose resentment. Resentment and bitterness only hold us back from what we are truly meant to be...not just for someone else.

[trippi1432]

What If the Other Person Doesn't Respond?

 

Sometimes people mistakenly think that forgiveness must be a reciprocal action, that you cannot be fully free unless the other person will accept the forgiveness offered. Even if the other person does not respond to you the way you had hoped, you still become free when you forgive.

 

"If you've been obedient to God's Word and have forgiven the other person and he or she fails to forgive you, the other person has the problem and has to deal with God. You're free," says Dr. Robert Abarno.

 

"There is a point where your involvement in the process stops," says Doug Schmidt. "After you have offered forgiveness and the opportunity for repentance, you are released from that that burden. You don't have to keep offering forgiveness, especially if it keeps getting rejected or mocked. There's a point where you say, I've done all that I can legitimately do and now I'm released from my obligation."

 

God honors those who have a sincere heart and who want to forgive and be forgiven. Do not let yourself be discouraged if the other person will have nothing to do with it. Continue to pray for that person, but move on in freedom.

 

"Brothers, listen! In this man Jesus there is forgiveness for your sins. Everyone who believes in him is freed from all guilt and declared right with God" (Acts 13:38-39 NLT).

 

Holy Lord, I wish that my former spouse would accept my forgiveness, and I would like it if he or she would seek my forgiveness as well. But even if my former spouse does not respond to me, I will walk today in the assurance of a new life in You. Amen.

[trippi1432]

Forgiveness Is Always Undeserved

 

If your former spouse or someone else has hurt you deeply, you might be entertaining thoughts of how that person will realize his or her wrongs and come apologize and try to make things right. You may feel that the other person needs to do this before you will forgive.

 

Forgiveness, though, means you do not hold the other person accountable to you to make things right. In forgiveness, you give the person to God and let God be the one he or she answers to.

 

Howard says, "I felt that in order to be able to forgive her, she needed to repent first. I wanted her to grovel. I wanted her to say, 'I did you wrong. This was a terrible thing I did to you.'"

 

Howard continues, "On the cross when God said, 'Forgive them for they know not what they do,' He was offering forgiveness and no one was repenting. No one was sorry. They were wagging their heads, crying out with slurs. In the midst of it He was able to forgive, even when no one around Him was repenting. It was an amazing thing. I have to be able to do that, and if someone wants to take my forgiveness, it's up to that person."

 

When Jesus was on the cross, he forgave all the horrid things people were saying and doing to Him. He continued to forgive them even when their spiteful words and actions didn't stop.

 

"When they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him. . . . Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do'" (Luke 23:33-34).

 

Lord Jesus, help me to stop entertaining thoughts of my former spouse groveling at my feet. I want to follow Your example of forgiveness. Amen.

 

 

If your former spouse or someone else has hurt you deeply, you might be entertaining thoughts of how that person will realize his or her wrongs and come apologize and try to make things right. You may feel that the other person needs to do this before you will forgive.

 

Forgiveness, though, means you do not hold the other person accountable to you to make things right. In forgiveness, you give the person to God and let God be the one he or she answers to.

 

Howard says, "I felt that in order to be able to forgive her, she needed to repent first. I wanted her to grovel. I wanted her to say, 'I did you wrong. This was a terrible thing I did to you.'"

 

Howard continues, "On the cross when God said, 'Forgive them for they know not what they do,' He was offering forgiveness and no one was repenting. No one was sorry. They were wagging their heads, crying out with slurs. In the midst of it He was able to forgive, even when no one around Him was repenting. It was an amazing thing. I have to be able to do that, and if someone wants to take my forgiveness, it's up to that person."

 

When Jesus was on the cross, he forgave all the horrid things people were saying and doing to Him. He continued to forgive them even when their spiteful words and actions didn't stop.

 

"When they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him. . . . Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do'" (Luke 23:33-34).

 

Lord Jesus, help me to stop entertaining thoughts of my former spouse groveling at my feet. I want to follow Your example of forgiveness. Amen.

[trippi1432]

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Day 338

 

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. It is important to know the difference so that when you do forgive your former spouse, you do not automatically expect to be reconciled in some way.

 

Doug Easterday says, "Forgiveness is getting your heart right with God. Reconciliation is getting your heart right with people."

 

"Forgiveness is letting go of the burden," says Harold Graham, "and reconciliation is renewing or redefining a relationship."

 

The Bible says that you should live in peace with other people and that you should make every effort to do so. Living peaceably with others starts with forgiveness—holding no grudges, anger, or bitterness against that person. Yes, reconciliation is ideal, but not always possible. People can get hurt by rushing to reconcile after forgiveness has taken place. Sometimes living in peace means leaving the other person alone for a while and not aggravating the situation.

 

If your former spouse is NOT showing genuine remorse, says Doug Schmidt, acknowledging wrong behavior, showing a willingness to bear the burden of the damage, and doing everything humanly possible to correct the behavior, then yes, you are still required to forgive. But the next step would be to back off and protect yourself from further damaging behaviors. Do not equate forgiveness with reconciliation.

[sumdude]

Forgiving is a contstant process.. Though it's been over three years since my ex cheated and left suddenly I have moments where i still carry some of the anger. It comes out of the blue. Though i think i've forgiven and have said it many times deep down I have to do it over and over. When I'm in one of those moments people can tell.. they'll say to me that I still have some broken glass in my heart. I know I can't keep moving forward in life if I don't find the way to let it go completely.

 

Sometimes the harder part is forgiving myself. Maybe i didn't do anything horribly wrong. I wasn't the one who chose to lie, cheat and break the promise. But i was part of the relationship and hold a big part of the responsibility in some way. After all, if she was truly happy in the relationship she probably wouldn't have done what she did.

 

"Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal

with the intent of throwing it at someone else;

you are the one who gets burned."

~Buddha~

 

 

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are

bound to that person or condition by an emotional link

that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only

way to dissolve that link and get free."

~Catherine Ponder~

Edited August 8, 2010 by sumdude

[BetweenHere&There]

"Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;

you are the one who gets burned."

~Buddha~

 

 

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are

bound to that person or condition by an emotional link

that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only

way to dissolve that link and get free."

~Catherine Ponder~

 

Wow!! Those are very profound words.

 

I like another lesson by Buddha - they say to take a stick or a rock of someone who upsets you...write their name on it and throw it in a river or toss it into the woods. Now that person can no longer anger you as you have given that anger away. Wish I had known some of these lessons earlier in my life.