Julia Posted July 17, 2000 Share Posted July 17, 2000 Hi Ive been reading this board for sometime now, and now I want to post my first message. I am from Australia and I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months. The problem is that 1 week before he met me he broke off with his gf of five years, who he was unhappy with. We started, and it was great, and i give him space, and respect and we make love like nobody has ever made love before.... Well now, after seeing his ex again, and saying he got no feelings has asked for a break from me so he can find himself...cause he jumped from her to me, and he feels he cant appreciate me, cause he is still tense from her. He says he is only interested in me, but needs a month of doing guy bonding stuff......im willing to do this for a month or two but not forever....... What are some ways I can help him cure himself of commitment cause he told me he thought we were getting too serious....... Please help, as I am going a little crazy Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Taressa Posted July 17, 2000 Share Posted July 17, 2000 Generally, four months into a relationship is much too soon to be looking for a commitment from a man. Generally, one week between relationships is not enough to settle feelings. You caught one on the rebound. After finding some comfort and hope in you, your boyfriend is finally starting to mend. Celebrate his new strength, if you love him, but don't let him keep you at arms length forever. Talk with him and let him know if you understand. Tell him you if you agree that time and space might allow him to grow into this relationship with you BUT place a limit on how long you're willing to wait. If he doesn't come around gather your wits about you and leave. You sound young and good-hearted. If time doesn't soon heal this relationship you can cast your line into the sea of men and catch a better one soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Cris Posted July 17, 2000 Share Posted July 17, 2000 Hey there, From past experience I tend to think that when men want something they will go for it--thus if he wants time off ther may be more to his deisre for a "time out" than first may appear. Give him his space, and THEN some. Don't be rude or unkind, but make him work to see you or talk to you. DO NOT be there for him all the time. He will do one of two things: 1. Realize he is not ready for the commitment and likes being on his own and doing "guy stuff." 2. Realize life with you is better than life without you and hopefully wake up to the fact that commitment is not a dirty word. Either way, you will know for certain whether this man is derserving of your affection and dedicated to you. Best of luck, Cris Hi Ive been reading this board for sometime now, and now I want to post my first message. I am from Australia and I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months. The problem is that 1 week before he met me he broke off with his gf of five years, who he was unhappy with. We started, and it was great, and i give him space, and respect and we make love like nobody has ever made love before.... Well now, after seeing his ex again, and saying he got no feelings has asked for a break from me so he can find himself...cause he jumped from her to me, and he feels he cant appreciate me, cause he is still tense from her. He says he is only interested in me, but needs a month of doing guy bonding stuff......im willing to do this for a month or two but not forever....... What are some ways I can help him cure himself of commitment cause he told me he thought we were getting too serious....... Please help, as I am going a little crazy Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 17, 2000 Share Posted July 17, 2000 When anybody tells you they need time off from being with you, that's a bunch of junk and a pretty dangerous sign. If you really care about somebody, you don't need to take time off for guy bonding or "to find yourself." Your relationship with him started way too soon after he broke up with his previous lady. You were a healing or transitional relationship. What more could a guy ask for who is in pain (he wouldn't admit that to you) than to have a lady like you to help him through this period. I think you should use this time to see other people, and let him know it. As a matter of fact, I think you are just being way too nice to go along with this at all. But I understand that you are hoping this time will help him get rid of his feelings for this girl and see how much he cares about you. But as the healing process takes place, his feelings for you will changes as well. Love is very state specific. If someone falls for you while they are in pain, it is unlikely those feelings of love will remain when the pain is no longer there. Taking time off to be away from you would be the same as if I stopped in the middle of a great meal, went off for two weeks holiday, and returned to finish the second half of the meal. There is simply no sense to it and you really shouldn't buy into it. It is very possible that he could bond with male friends while he is dating you if you are kind enough to give him the time and space to do so, and you sound like you are. I am on my knees now praying that I'm wrong (for your sake) but I really don't think this will be a keeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Julia Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 Generally, four months into a relationship is much too soon to be looking for a commitment from a man. thats the thing, i wasnt after a commitment........i didnt expect anything from him, he just said that we were getting too serious and full on. Generally, one week between relationships is not enough to settle feelings. You caught one on the rebound. I thought that at the start, but i know they had a pretty bad relationship......he said that he broke up with her so he wasnt on the rebound........but we started seeing each other, but he cares about me......but he just got over the rship..... After finding some comfort and hope in you, your boyfriend is finally starting to mend. Celebrate his new strength, if you love him, but don't let him keep you at arms length forever. Talk with him and let him know if you understand. Tell him you if you agree that time and space might allow him to grow into this relationship with you BUT place a limit on how long you're willing to wait. If he doesn't come around gather your wits about you and leave. i spoke to him and he said he didnt not want to see me, but need space......i told him that i could do it for one or two months, but not forever, and he said he didnt expect me too You sound young and good-hearted. If time doesn't soon heal this relationship you can cast your line into the sea of men and catch a better one soon. well if ya call 21 really young........and of course im good hearted, im a nurse to be! and i do know that if he doesnt want me, there are plenty out there who do! Link to post Share on other sites
LT Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 You got some good responses. I'd opt for the one that recommended you give him his space AND THEN SOME. I'm more than a decade older than you...so yes you ARE young (grrr...) But please trust me when I say THIS WORKS. If there's anything "real" for you on his end he will respond to YOUR withdrawal. Here's just a couple of added tips: 1. Don't do it in anger or spite...and don't let that ever be the impression you give him (that you're angry). 2. The impression you want to convey is the you are BUSY and have a very full life without him. 3. Use what I call "excruciating politeness." No matter what he says or does do not read anything into it...stay on the surface with him (so he'll have to dig deep). 4. Men don't appreciate anything they haven't worked for or earned. Get it? LT Hi Ive been reading this board for sometime now, and now I want to post my first message. I am from Australia and I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months. The problem is that 1 week before he met me he broke off with his gf of five years, who he was unhappy with. We started, and it was great, and i give him space, and respect and we make love like nobody has ever made love before.... Well now, after seeing his ex again, and saying he got no feelings has asked for a break from me so he can find himself...cause he jumped from her to me, and he feels he cant appreciate me, cause he is still tense from her. He says he is only interested in me, but needs a month of doing guy bonding stuff......im willing to do this for a month or two but not forever....... What are some ways I can help him cure himself of commitment cause he told me he thought we were getting too serious....... Please help, as I am going a little crazy Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Julia Posted July 18, 2000 Share Posted July 18, 2000 I get it........ Somehow i dont think i am a transitional girlfriend, cause he usually breaks up with girls after a month...but he really liked me..... im just going to give him space.......and let him call me...i wont bother..... and then i will be fine hopefully! If it doesnt work out, then there is plenty more good guys in the sea who would prefer me! Link to post Share on other sites
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