Does it ever feel like it never happened?

[Ilovecake]

I think a lot of you are holding on to the pain because you are addicted to heartbreak.

 

 

 

 

Is there a link between heartbreak and addiction? A recent study shows that there may be. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, of Rutgers University and her team looked at functional MRI (fMRI) images of men and women who had recently broken up with a long-term partner. The images showed that the same areas of the brain were affected as those associated with addiction, reward, craving, and depression. According to Fisher, a neural pathway associated with physical pain and decision making is activated when someone is rejected, which is similar to nicotine or alcohol cravings.

The good news is that time does heal. The researchers found that the more time since rejection the less activity seen on the fMRI.

[jlr]

I think a lot of you are holding on to the pain because you are addicted to heartbreak.

I don't know that it's necessarily addiction to heartbreak, but I understand what you're saying. Maybe we've gotten so used to the gloom, that we don't know how to shake it. We've gotten comfortable in it. That's probably true. I am moving on with my life, but sometimes I do think I have a hard time allowing myself to be happy. The heartbreak is familiar territory, and in some ways, I've let it define me. So yeah.

 

Also, I think some people just have a harder time than others letting go. I've always felt different than other people, sort of an alien in the normal world. I don't understand people and their actions a lot of the time. And I'm a sentimental person. I miss things a lot. And I have a crazy tendency to want to fix things that are dead. I think it's just different personality types too.

 

It's like people are different. Some people are good at sports, some aren't. Some people are good listeners, some aren't. Some people can play music, some are tone deaf. Some people heal better than others.

[Ilovecake]

I think a lot of you are holding on to the pain because you are addicted to heartbreak.

 

I don't know that it's necessarily addiction to heartbreak, but I understand what you're saying. Maybe we've gotten so used to the gloom, that we don't know how to shake it. We've gotten comfortable in it. That's probably true. I am moving on with my life, but sometimes I do think I have a hard time allowing myself to be happy. The heartbreak is familiar territory, and in some ways, I've let it define me. So yeah.

 

Also, I think some people just have a harder time than others letting go. I've always felt different than other people, sort of an alien in the normal world. I don't understand people and their actions a lot of the time. And I'm a sentimental person. I miss things a lot. And I have a crazy tendency to want to fix things that are dead. I think it's just different personality types too.

 

It's like people are different. Some people are good at sports, some aren't. Some people are good listeners, some aren't. Some people can play music, some are tone deaf. Some people heal better than others.

 

I'm not sure how that applies to what I posted but I was referring to the people who are actually forgetting and moving on but who try to stifle their progress in hopes of holding on to something, anything, even if all they have left is pain. All they want is to feel better but when that starts happening they freak out. It's like you said you let the breakup define who you are. These are usually individuals who are generally very needy and have pretty low self esteems. They simply can’t make a life for themselves and always feel they get their power from others instead of looking within. It's just like any other addiction, you know it's not healthy and probably pretty detrimental to your life yet despite that knowledge you keep going back for more.

[jlr]

It applies to your post, because I was a) agreeing that some people are afraid to move on and be happy and b) I was saying there's different reasons for that: some people don't want to move on because they like the pain, some because they don't know how, and some because that's in their personality, like you just mentioned.

[jlr]

It's like you said you let the breakup define who you are. These are usually individuals who are generally very needy and have pretty low self esteems. They simply can’t make a life for themselves and always feel they get their power from others instead of looking within.

 

While I was in pain over the relationship for a while now, and, at times, let that pain define me. That pain has also taught me a lot of things, and made me a much stronger and tougher person. In some cases those people you're talking about are going through their natural healing process, which might take longer than others.

 

On the flip side, there are people who just let go too easy and don't take the time to reflect on their pain, to fight through it. It works both ways. I'd say that those people have pretty low self-esteem and don't want to look within, so they just run away to something new and exciting.

 

I think your making a generalization about these people.

 

Now, I'm not saying either type is healthy. A happy medium would be the best. But it seems like most people are one extreme or the other.

[jlr]

And it's definetely an addiction. Whether it's those addicted to the pain, or those addicted to running away from pain.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Despite you proclamation you move on, clearly how your choosing to is not working for you and others should be discourage to think it will for them

 

 

VS

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Sorry Nikki to encourage this thread jack. From here I let sulty post her own thread if she want advice.

 

As for you, from all you have posted, he was a crappy guy who treated people poorly but made you feel special because he treated you better. Now he treats you like everyone else. Your not missing him, your missing feeling special, so start making yourself feel special.

 

What three things you can do tomorrow to do just that?

 

.

 

 

..

 

That was incredibly helpful advice!

 

First off, I don't mind at all if the thread is highjacked by any of you; we all need help and advice so highjack away I say!

 

Its true that I am missing feeling special. I suppose I don't feel special on my own. I do at times, but I think when I do it tempers off into defensive arrogance a lot of the time. When I feel guilty for feeling 'special' I then feel inferior so I go between the two extremes. But someone else seeing me as special made me feel it genuinely and without guilt.

 

I also have a bit of a woe-is-me attitude at times. I know there is nothing really wrong with my life other than struggled with depression and anxiety. I know there is so much worse that could happen to me; disease, illness, death of loved ones etc, but I seem to fixate on this problem at times. I constantly feel I am doing the wrong thing and second guess myself.

 

I feel some resentment that some of my friends first loves are working out and mine wasn't. I think I am quite fanatical and idealistic about the first love - that for some reason, was very important to me, and I do carry a sense of guilt, failure and a sense of injustice that mine didn't work out and for some others it does. I feel a bit cheated I suppose, although I know thats irrational and selfish.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I would also agree that heartbreak is an addiction.

 

I personally think I was predisposed to depression and anxiety, I can trace it back far into my childhood; self-consciousness, fear, dread, shyness, a sense of foreboding.

 

Although my therapist has told me that this is a lie I use to reassure myself, I disbelief that. I KNOW I have always had these traits, felt this things and thought these things. I know thats its become a habit because its been with me for so long and become a part of who I am, it has merged with my thoughts, feelings and ideas.

 

I hold onto the pain because pain to one degree or another is something I know well, even though I have a wonderful life.

 

I also really dislike the idea of moving on from people even if they've hurt me or let me down, because I hate the idea of giving up on people or friendships or important connections, even if its their fault. I carry a lot of guilt or failure that there was something I could have done to make things right.

[jlr]

I personally think I was predisposed to depression and anxiety, I can trace it back far into my childhood; self-consciousness, fear, dread, shyness, a sense of foreboding.

 

Me too. I feel like I've always been drawn to sadder things too; music, movies, etc. I've always felt more of a kinship with those things than with happier stuff.

 

I also really dislike the idea of moving on from people even if they've hurt me or let me down, because I hate the idea of giving up on people or friendships or important connections, even if its their fault. I carry a lot of guilt or failure that there was something I could have done to make things right.

 

I relate to this. Alot. I think it stems back to my childhood and my family situation - my Dad left, and it tore my family in half, people took sides. I don't see him, or some of my sisters. Since then, I always want to try to fix things, to stop people from leaving, even if, I should let them leave because they're ****ty. It's like some dumb quest I'm on to save things. Sometimes, I think it's a plus. Sometimes, it can be a curse.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thats what i've always called it - a curse. Its nice to know there's someone out there very similar to me though! I could connect to almost everything you wrote earlier!

[GrayClouds]

That was incredibly helpful advice!

 

.

I glad you found it helpful but want about the last part.

 

Talking, thinking, and theorizing is all very important but is all is just pretty purple pook-a-dot ponies hopping around in our imaginations until we put actions into it. Nikki let the ponies freeeeeeeeeeee....

 

What three things to make yourself feel special you can do tomorrow?

 

 

.

[smk]

Its true that I am missing feeling special. I suppose I don't feel special on my own. I do at times, but I think when I do it tempers off into defensive arrogance a lot of the time. When I feel guilty for feeling 'special' I then feel inferior so I go between the two extremes. But someone else seeing me as special made me feel it genuinely and without guilt.

 

Nikki i think that we all want to feel special - its human nature, we want to be loved, we have a need to be wanted, and no one likes to be lonely. Yes we can accept it, but we reach a certain point where even the biggest cynics of love and relationships (such as myself) realise that we dont want to be alone. We need to condition our minds and not feel guilty for feeling special cos have our love reciprocated is one of the greatest feelings in life. the rush of being love compares to none other.

 

I feel some resentment that some of my friends first loves are working out and mine wasn't. I think I am quite fanatical and idealistic about the first love - that for some reason, was very important to me, and I do carry a sense of guilt, failure and a sense of injustice that mine didn't work out and for some others it does. I feel a bit cheated I suppose, although I know thats irrational and selfish.

 

Again resentment and jealousy are all human nature we all feel them because at the end of the day we are only human... I know I never wanted to lose my first love but i did and what makes us the bigger person is not losing that hope in love... my belief has always been "you live once, you die once, and you only truly love once" - i am not saying that you wont love again, but i doubt that the feeling of euphoria that you get from your first love can ever be recreated. I am not talking from experience i have just broken up with my first love, the only person i ever saw myself spending my life with, but i cant tell the future and who knows maybe i will love again one day, maybe one day i will meet someone else with whom i feel i can grow old with...

 

All those feelings that you are getting I have them too, and I am sure that we are not the only ones, but only we have the power to truly heal ourselves, pick ourselves up, and move forward - we are the masters of our destiny....

[jlr]

Nikki, you're definitely not alone. I relate to a lot of what you're posting too. At least there's comfort in knowing that.

 

smk: but i doubt that the feeling of euphoria that you get from your first love can ever be recreated

 

This is rough for me, because I'm still waiting for someone to come along who makes me feel that magic. Not the same magic necessarily, but just that head over heels feeling. That electricity. I've been hanging out with a girl lately (really the first since my break up a year and a 1/2 ago), who's super nice, and cute too. But, I don't feel sparks flying. And I wonder which of these it is: a) she's not the right one for me b) I'm still stuck on someone else (ugh) or c) like you said, I'm not getting that same feeling, because I'm jaded - I've had that brush with love, my first love.

 

I sorta hope it's not true that I won't feel that euphoria again. Because I long for it.

[smk]

Nikki, you're definitely not alone. I relate to a lot of what you're posting too. At least there's comfort in knowing that.

 

smk: but i doubt that the feeling of euphoria that you get from your first love can ever be recreated

 

This is rough for me, because I'm still waiting for someone to come along who makes me feel that magic. Not the same magic necessarily, but just that head over heels feeling. That electricity. I've been hanging out with a girl lately (really the first since my break up a year and a 1/2 ago), who's super nice, and cute too. But, I don't feel sparks flying. And I wonder which of these it is: a) she's not the right one for me b) I'm still stuck on someone else (ugh) or c) like you said, I'm not getting that same feeling, because I'm jaded - I've had that brush with love, my first love.

 

I sorta hope it's not true that I won't feel that euphoria again. Because I long for it.

 

Hey JLR - with my ex i remember from day one i felt an instant connection that I had never felt before - given I never really had that many LTR's but what I felt with her was a totally out of this world experience. With each kiss the sparks grew more intense, each time i was with her i felt something that words couldn't explain and it she gave me the best high i had ever felt - i still cannot find words to describe the feeling... the worst part of my break up is that she once told me the exact same thing - she said that she felt those things and i had never even spoken to her about it....

[jlr]

Yeah, my ex and I both said those things to each other too. So it's always so hard to look back and remember her saying them. It breaks my heart. It's why I had to burn all her letters to me. I'm a person who puts a lot of stock in words. But I guess some people just say things in the moment, without thinking of the longterm effect they may have ("Forever", etc.). Me, when I say I want to be with someone forever, I really meant it. I knew what that meant when I said it.

 

But, I guess we need to realize that although we loved these people (and at one time, they loved us), they're gone. So obviously they weren't the right ones. I'd think the right ones would still be here, and we wouldn't be on some board remembering them. Hopefully, we'll meet someone who gives us that euphoria, and something even better: true, everlasting love.

 

-Eddie

[smk]

well spoken...

 

I am exactly like that - i put the greatest emphasis on the spoken word - if someone i care about says something to me then i take their word for it without ever questioning it... When i tell someone that i love them and want to be with them forever i mean forever - not forever till you get bored, or forever till your family decide i am not the right skin colour for you, i mean forever till death do us part...

 

unfortunately she left and now as down in the dumps as i am - one thing i realised was that i gave it all i could - and if she couldnt see that then its her loss not mine.. sure right now i feel like world has broken and ceased to exist yet i know that one day who knows when i will be able to wake up in the morning and pick will have put together most of the pieces of my life and will walk forward... there will always be a piece of my heart that i wont get back because i gave it to her, but you know what i will learn to live without that piece... and who knows if we destined to be together the so be it - if not we learn from the experiences that life throws at us...

[jlr]

Well spoken too, my friend.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I glad you found it helpful but want about the last part.

 

Talking, thinking, and theorizing is all very important but is all is just pretty purple pook-a-dot ponies hopping around in our imaginations until we put actions into it. Nikki let the ponies freeeeeeeeeeee....

 

 

 

 

.

 

Really? I don't know. I'm thinking of what makes me happy...writing, animals, nature. I don't really know how to make myself feel special though.

 

If I do, its only ever for a second, and it fades again. I remember for my A levels, I got all A's. Everyone was raving and so proud of me. I felt this moment of pride and happiness and then I suddenly felt flat and blah. I couldn't really feel proud or myself or happy. I'm thinking maybe I attach a lot of guilt and arrogance to these feelings for some reason. I'm not comfortable letting myself go!

 

So what would make me feel special? I suppose if I could find a way to let myself free and let go but there's a lot of anxiety and fear about that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey JLR - with my ex i remember from day one i felt an instant connection that I had never felt before - given I never really had that many LTR's but what I felt with her was a totally out of this world experience. With each kiss the sparks grew more intense, each time i was with her i felt something that words couldn't explain and it she gave me the best high i had ever felt - i still cannot find words to describe the feeling... the worst part of my break up is that she once told me the exact same thing - she said that she felt those things and i had never even spoken to her about it....

 

Thats what I felt with my ex.

 

The first time I saw him, before we even met, I turned a corner and smiled. As corny as it sounds I was hit with this feeling that he'd change my life. When I met him, it was electric and when we kissed, it was just...indescribable. Everything was just so intense and overwhelming, almost unbearable how strongly I felt for him and I loved him so much. I just wanted to be there for him forever and love him; he brought me happiness and peace and craziness and insanity all at once. It was like being happily crazy.

 

I kind of want to cry writing this because to have that and to lose it, is kind of like being shown heaven and then being cast out into hell.

 

It all feels like an april fools joke or something.

[stellastreet]

It's like you said you let the breakup define who you are. These are usually individuals who are generally very needy and have pretty low self esteems. They simply can’t make a life for themselves and always feel they get their power from others instead of looking within.

 

While I was in pain over the relationship for a while now, and, at times, let that pain define me. That pain has also taught me a lot of things, and made me a much stronger and tougher person. In some cases those people you're talking about are going through their natural healing process, which might take longer than others.

 

On the flip side, there are people who just let go too easy and don't take the time to reflect on their pain, to fight through it. It works both ways. I'd say that those people have pretty low self-esteem and don't want to look within, so they just run away to something new and exciting.

 

I think your making a generalization about these people.

 

Now, I'm not saying either type is healthy. A happy medium would be the best. But it seems like most people are one extreme or the other.

 

 

 

This sounds exactly spot on to me.

[GrayClouds]

 

So what would make me feel special? I suppose if I could find a way to let myself free and let go but there's a lot of anxiety and fear about that.

 

Now you know why you will not let yourself move on, it is not about the EX anymore, that is just a distraction from you fear and anxiety.

 

More important now you know what you really need to focus on, taking care of this issue.

 

Are you working with a professional, , exercising regularly, check into some meds?

[smk]

As surreal as it feels I am seem to have some moments where it does feel like that but only momentarily and then the reality comes back...

 

What does feel surreal though is that now she seems like a totally different person to the girl i fell in love with...