anonymous Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 ok i've been dating this girl for a few years now. next week (well this upcoming week) we're sposed to be moving in together. problem? she told me SO long ago that she quit smoking cuz she knows i dont date smokers. well i found out from her friend tonight that she DOES smoke... and she's been hiding it from me for a long time now. after they told me, they tried making excuses or whatever... anyway... i'm really pissed about the fact that she lies to me all the time and tells me she doesn't smoke, when she does... and the friend that told me is a reliable source. what should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Originally posted by anonymous what should i do? If you can't handle this, don't move in with her, and end the relationship. However, don't dare get off on playing the victim. She's breaking a chemical dependency. Quitting cigarettes is not like quitting hair extensions or soccer, it's not a choice, it's a battle. Her lies are a symptom of her addiction, and chances are, she wants to stop, or she wouldn't have lied. Now you've got to decide whether you're a man who can handle a recovering drug addict, including the symptoms of her overcoming dependency or withdrawal--or, whether you'd rather be self-righteous and storm on out of there. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymous Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 i dont wanna leave her. she just didn't have to be a coward and a liar about the whole deal... oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Originally posted by anonymous she just didn't have to be a coward and a liar about the whole deal I know you likely came here for sympathy, but the axiom of LS is that if dyermaker gets to your post first, chances are, you're not going to get it right away. I understand you feel betrayed, I just recognize that it wasn't a vindictive, deceitful act, it was a symptom of attempting to get over her addiction. She lied to you because she knew that she couldn't quit right away, and that you wouldn't understand the withdrawal proccess--she was right. I think you should confront her that you know, and that you understand how hard it is to quit. Offer to help her, perhaps purchase those patches or whatever. There's a difference between passive aggressive deceit and spare-your-feelings covertness. I wouldn't condone either, but I certainly don't feel you were wronged beyond heal. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Don't end the relationship, but if it's not too late, don't move in with her either. You are taking the next step in the relationship based on what you believed was true in your relationship, which you now know to be false. I would set her straight and make it clear through my actions as well as my words that dishonesty isn't acceptable, and that you cannot live with someone who is dishonest like that. Is she lying ONLY about smoking or is she lying about other things too? Lying about a habit that is difficult to kick, while inexcusable, is more understandable than generally lying. Link to post Share on other sites
calithin83 Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 talk to her and tell her again it bugs u alot and that u dont want a gf who smokes...she should understand, hopefully shes not addicted...but if she isnt it might be easier.. my bf didnt want me smoking so i decided to not smoke, cos a box of cigarettes isnt worth losing my relationship over... see if she feels the same way... Link to post Share on other sites
NeuroticallyDead Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Hmm, call me crazy but I think you're making it out to be more then it really is. First of all, if you have a problem with her ADDICTION (not hobby which is how you're treating it) you should try to help her throught it other then being a burdin. I know if somebody were to force me to quit smoking, I'd probably curl up in a little ball, in the corner, and cry my eyes out. Yes, I understand that you DO NOT like girls who smoke, nor do you want to be around them, but you have to understand that she just can't throw down her box of ciggys, crush them beneath her feet, walk away, and say that she's never going to smoke again, it's not that easy. Withdraw's the worst. It's like a recovering druggie to a certain extent. Although, she did lie to you, and kept that lie going for quite awhile, the poor girl, so was probably afraid. Don't leave her, just try to understand that it's going to be "a long and painful process" to brake her smoking habit. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Try and consider what SHE is going through. Put your own feelings aside for the moment, and focus on her. She's been hiding it from you BECAUSE she doesn't wan't your criticism. So don't criticise - empathise instead. If it were me, I'd tell her how much I love her, and that I'd like to support her in beating this thing. Don't feel betrayed - remember, you also played a role in her not being forthcoming with you about it.... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 >>>Try and consider what SHE is going through. Put your own feelings aside for the moment, and focus on her. She's been hiding it from you BECAUSE she doesn't wan't your criticism.<<< That could be the defense for just about any form of dishonesty...and it's a poor defense at that. I don't think she's committed a capital offense, either, but at the same time, he has the right to expect honesty. >>>Don't feel betrayed - remember, you also played a role in her not being forthcoming with you about it....<<< Bulls***. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts