Overbearing Parent (underage)

[Sybil]

I am 17, female. Please disregard my age, except in terms of appropriate steps to take. I am not the average rebellious teenager, I assure you.

 

My parents were abusive, my mother more so. I have been residing with my father for some months now, but he is childlike.

 

Often, he enters my room unannounced and talks for quite a while. He insults my musical preferences and tries to analyze all of my personal history and information. He has no concept of personal space or discretion, and often relies on me when dealing with my mother's legal antics.

 

I have set clear boundaries, I think. I have asked him repeatedly to knock before he enters my room, and I tell him clearly that I hate having my personal issues dabbled in. My latest included, "Do I criticize your music? Do I read too deeply into your actions or try to analyze every little habit of yours? Do I ask you highly personal questions? No? Then please do me the same courtesy." I even researched body language for disinterest, disdain, and aversion. When he comes into my room, I have gone so far as to physically remove him-- and he does not budge. My therapist has spoken to him herself. NOTHING works. He dismisses it all.

 

I want him to stop. I cannot move back in with my mother, however, since she disowned me. I have to deal with this soon, or else I will go bonkers from lack of privacy and discretion. So, help?

[AVR1962]

I too would be uncomfortable with this and would question his intent. You say your mother was verbally abusive and I do not question this but I am not sure you're totally safe in your father's home either....is there any other palce you can go?

[turnera]

Do you guys go to church? Ask the pastor to say something.

 

Does he have a parent or a brother or sister? Ask them to help.

[KikiW]

It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and that those shoulders are bearing a lot of weight - you need to take steps to make yourself feel comfortable and safe, and neither your mother nor your father seem able to provide that for you. It would probably be best to find an alternative living arrangement...

 

Go through your entire book of relationships - distant relatives, cousins, next door neighbors...

 

Do you have a friend whose parents you have come to know? I have heard of situations where a child is on the verge of becoming legal age and a friend will take them in.

 

If you are able to hold a part time job, offer to give them something for your room and board. Or offer to help clean the house/babysit smaller children in the house/run errands etc. Present yourself as a mature young lady in a not-so-great situation and I am sure you will find someone who can take you in until you can decide how to plot the course of your life.

 

Good luck, I do wish you all the best.

[MisUnderstanding]

Legally, there's little you can do. I don't know if you area allows emancipation, but that is a ton of work. You have to get a job and prove that you can support yourself financially. Your only other option is wait until you are 18 and move out. Job Corps might be able to help, they provide housing and some job training.

To make it more bearable with your father, put a lock on your door if you can, don't keep personal items laying around, and don't feel like you are obligated to answer any of his questions. You don't have to answer anything and you don't have to let him into your personal life. There is no law that will enforce that.

[torranceshipman]

I agree that getting out of that house is the best thing that you can do - it sounds so unhealthy. But I appreciate this is hard when you are 17 due to money issues, etc. I agree with other posters - talk to people that you can trust, and look into ways that you can possibly stay with others and move forward that way. And yes I also agree with the lock on the bedroom door in the interim.

 

But wow, can I just say - you are destined for some great things in your life. You sound SO sanguine and emotionally mature in the face of all of this stress. That's a rare quality, but don't let yourself get dragged down perpetually by those parents of yours.