katydid Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 I need help. I just found out that my husband of 5 years (sept) has cheated on me. It was almost a year ago when it happened. Two different women with two sexual encounters each. He claims that it was a huge mistake and that he loves me and the kids (1 and 4). We were living in a different state at the time and it was right before we moved. He has always been a good husband and father. He has also been my best friend. I don't know weather I can forgive him. Can we actually move on from this? Is there really a chance that he can be truly faithful from here on out? I need some advise???????? Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Wow that's a hard one. Yes it can work. If your willing to forgive. A friend of mine has a husband who cheated once and he was so guilty that he admitted it to her. After alot of arguements and a near separation they worked things out and are still together 14 years later. The problem with their marriage now is that he is very jealous b/c he knows how easy it was for him to cheat and he wouldn't have been caught if it wasn't for him telling. He has since had the thinking that she will do the same and is a very jealous man. How did you find out? Did he confess? With me once with one person I would have to dig deep in my heart, but could probably forgive him. Twice each with 2 different women I don't know if I could forgive that. Did he use protection? I would definitly get checked for STD's. This is your marriage and your family it's your heart that has been broken. Even if you do forgive him which could take a long time I doubt that you will ever forget. I know my friend will for the rest of her life. I wish you luck in your long road of healing. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katydid Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 Thank you for some hope. He confessed after I went to him and claimed that I knew something, even though I just suspected. He says that he loves me and that he will never do it again and that guilt was eating him up alive. But do I believe him? Scince we moved he has not given me any reason to suspect that there is more or that he would do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 I wish that I could help you but, I can't tell you to forgive him or not or to believe him or not. Sorry. You know him, the why he thinks, the why he treats you and the kids. I don't have clue. You have to do alot of soul searching. Take some time to yourself. If its' feasible take off for a weekend.(let someone know where you are) Maybe a weekend spa where you will get the pampering you need and deserve right now, take that time and do some major soul searching. No matter what you deside whether to stay and forgive or leave him and try to forget it's not going to be an easy road. I think that he made a major bonus point by confessing considering that you had no proof. I think that alot of men in that situation would deny it. Considering his confession I would he must be feeling some guilt. I read one time that woman cheat for emotional comfort men cheat just for sex. If there is truth in that I would say he probably does love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Hi Katydid, Yeah, a marriage CAN survive infidelity. Does it mean yours will? Heck, I can't even figure out if mine will. My wife's was a little different story. Some guy from Jr High School (I sh*t you not...) emailed her out of the blue. It was a bad time for us, and he landed right at the worst time - or the best time, depending on whether you are him or me. I suspected, but didn't press it. We had a lot going on for us at the time, and it was pretty tenuous for a while. Well, after snooping to find out, I found out what I didn't want to know. They had a relationship for a while. Heck, I already knew the emotional relationship part, the sexual part was just icing, so to speak. I founf out just about a year ago. It had ended a while before that, how long I am not sure. Anyway, we had been in counseling for about 16 months by the time I found it out, and went for another 5 months. Here it is: I really really love her. I certainly love my family; I fought hard to keep it all together. It seems for now that I have had success. While I am pretty sure I forgive her (there are some days still that I am angry about it. I do not bring it up, though, as we have discussed it to death. I just realize that that is a natural after-effect, and it gets less frequent, and goes away in a day or so.), I am equally sure that I will not forget it. I do not know if the trust can ever be fully restored. I do know that at some point, you need to figure out what you want, and go about making it happen with as little baggage as possible. In my case, that means that I MUST get to a point where I trust her. Maybe not fully right away, but enough to go on. That means that I have to stop my mind from all of the "what-ifs" that happen if I let them. If I were not convinced that my wife loves me, and wants us to stay together, then that would be impossible. Your case sounds the same: he sounds sorry, and wants to stay also. At a certain point, you need to say, "He wants to stay with me and the kids, we are trying to make it work. I can't make him pay forever for this. I also cannot allow myself to be sucked in by tons of mistrust." THE MOST DIFFICULT THING is not getting sucked in by all the mistrust. I notice as the months go by that everything seems to level out a little more. Maybe that means I am really getting past it. I will say this, though, regardless of whether it was "just sex" for him or an emotional need, It ain't that simple to quantify. My firm belief, based on experience, is that an affair - whether a "just sex" one or not - is a symptom of a deeper problem. Link to post Share on other sites
fnouri Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 It is all up to you. Do you want to let the past dictate your future? Do you want to see everything through resentments and hurt? If you do, then your marriage is doomed. If you can forgive the past, get over the resentments, and give your husband a chance, then your marriage can actually get better. Based on your story, he is sorry that he did it. Will he do it again? Well, will he have a reason to do it again? I agree that cheating is an indication of deeper issues. You and him must deal with the real problems and get thise out of the way, and it all starts with honest, frank communication. Let him know how you feel, talk to him about your doubts and worries, get counseling. One advise from someone who cheated on his life partner to you - If you don't work on it wholeheartedly, if you don't truly try, you will short change yourself, him, and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Given the tender age of your children, the extenuating circumstances for his infidelities and the fact that he's a good husband and father, I believe your family will survive. It won't happen without work on his part, though. And yours. I think you'll be able to put your marriage back together. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think it sounds like your husband had no emotional or ongoing relationships with these women, and that he sincerely wants to make things work in your marriage, as you do. If you can find a way to work through the processes and stages of anger to get to forgiveness, and if he is willing to put in the work as well, I think you can absolutely make your marriage work. I would, however, make sure you have all the facts and that there is not more that you don't know about - you don't want to find out in the future that the whole truth isn't what you know now. I'm not saying you would necessarily want the hurtful details, but just make sure what he is telling you is the truth and the whole of it. Good luck to you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 If you want to try and make your marriage work, or save it, I suggest marriage counselling to start with. And getting to the bottom of WHY your husband cheated. It's critical to figure this out....because if whatever he felt was missing isn't discovered and fixed or replenished, the chances are high that he'll cheat again. The root cause of him cheating isn't likely something he'll know off the top of his head. It will very likely take a trained counsellor/therapist to help him figure this out. Then you go from there. Back when he was cheating, looking back now, were there any "signs"? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 It depends on the marriage and on the two of you. Some survive, some dont. Counselling could be a big help for you. Sending you my best wishes and hoping it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katydid Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Thank you all for so much needed hope. I found this website by accident and I figured it wouldn't hurt. I am truly glad with all the hope and positive advice. We have decided to go marriage counseling. At the time of the "indiscretions" I saw no signs. I guess thats the hard part. He was so much more attentive over the three monthes that it took to cheat four different times. He didn't forget holidays or special days. He gave me little forgetmenots all the time. Wait that was the "signs" And here I thought I just had him trained. But in all reality after we moved across country, our relationship did get a lot better, until now of course. He actually hasn't stopped trying to be attentive and he tells me all the time that he loves me and the kids. I guess the biggest thing that gives me hope, is he hasn't left in the middle of a "venting." I told him goodbye and he left, just to come back a few hours latter to ask me to give it more time. Am I reading to much into this? Or should I take it as a positive sign? I love my Husband and my kids more then anything in this world. Thats what hurts the worst. I gave him no reason to do this, i didn't deny him sexualy and I was attentive to him. I am hoping that through counseling we can get to the root of the problem. I just wish he felt that he could come to me instead of what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 That sounds pretty hopeful to me too. It seems like his heart is in the right place. He is saying and doingthe right things. Sounds a lot more hopeful than all those cheating spouses who get all indignant. That will be the biggest judgement call you will have to make - and it is a big one. My point is that after you have decided to keep him, and after you have started to make it work, there still may be days when you are pretty angry, less trustful and questioning of yourself. Barring any additional "indiscretions" on his part, you will need to get past these days. There are no days - at least in my experience - that a light flashes on, the birds chirp and the world looks a little greener, and you know it will just never happen again. Get the counseling. Highly recommended. You will learn things that you would never otherwise learn, mostly about good communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katydid Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 Benedict I am a little confused. Are you saying that even on the good days, the world will never look a little greener. That I will never again be a day that I will look at my husband and be glad that I stayed around? I mean right now as a feel I would agree, but if the rest of my life is going to be so grey why stay?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 No... What I meant was that it will never again be like it never ever happened. I suppose that might be self-evident. I suppose that might also just be me. There are degrees here. I think most people would divorce over infidelity of any type. I certainly would not stay for ongoing, chronic cheating. Heck, some people have the whole open marriage thing going on... The best way to put it is that there are lots and lots of days when "it" doesn't even cross my mind at all. Actually, a whole lot more than when it does. As time goes on, I expect the frequency of those good days to keep increasing. I love and respect my wife a whole forkin' lot. I respect myself, too. I decided that in sticking with it, my motives would be the same as for getting married in the first place: to love and respect this persom, raise a family, and have some really great times in our lives together. If I thought I could not do that much, my commitment to staying would have been a lot less. So, in short: Yes, there are many mornings when I roll over, look at her (sleeping, usually) and think, "yeah, I am one lucky guy." Heck, I even tel herl that once in a while Link to post Share on other sites
Author katydid Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 ok .... That response I like a whole lot better. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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