To wait or not to wait, that is the question...

[Boston85]

[sIZE=2][FONT=trebuchet ms,sans-serif]I guess I have a few questions/issues here. So let me preface this by summarizing my predicament:

 

Boyfriend (29) + Me (25) = 3 years in an otherwise very happy relationship. I would say our only real "issue" is I'm ready for marriage, and he is, well, NOT. This feeling of "he doesn't know if I'm the one yet," continually eats away at me. I dream about our future and instead of happiness, I am generally nauseated with worry that he is just going to say "nope, not the one, ok see ya." I thought you were supposed to fall in love with the man of your dreams, he falls in love with you, and you both magically want to get married at the same time. None of this "in waiting" business. What a fairytale killer.

 

At any rate, when we talk about it (or should I say when IIIIII talk/cry about it) he says things like:

 

"I just don't have that storybook make-me-the-happiest-man-on-earth-and-marry-me-feeling yet." Personally, I think only new/fresh relationships have this feeling. After spending 3+ years together things are comfortable and easy - we don't dress fancy for each other, we pull weeds and spread mulch on the weekends (we don't live together, but I help out with his new house a lot). In our comfort level and everyday activity we are basically married already. So is it ever going to "make-you-the-happiest-man-on-earth" when you've already got it? I wish he would recognize how good we are together and not wait for this fairytale feeling. Maybe I'm just jaded and unromantic, I don't know.

 

Second issue he will bring up during our marriage conversations: He wants to feel like he can make decisions for himself and not worry about me getting upset (i.e. spending a weekend with friends/family without me). I agree there is some validity to being to "independent people" coming together in a relationship and having their own separate lives. However, he never even bothers to ASK me about these things because he assumes I'll get upset, so he doesn't even give me the opportunity to be the understanding girlfriend and say "yes! go have fun with your friends." And to supplement this argument, he is a REALLY busy guy with work and other commitments; I think he is lacking in "man-time" not just because of our relationship but because his life in general doesn't allow time for it. So maybe this is just an excuse to buy more time?

 

Anyway, those are the two "concerns" of his that he has expressed. But I'm sure there are more. He is a horrible decision maker, very analytical - and while you're probably thinking this is a GOOD thing, he is actually so slow it is debilitating. It took him 5 months to pick out a TV for his new house (and this wasn't a money issue at all). I guess I'm losing faith that he will ever stop over-thinking and PULL THE TRIGGER. And I'll just keep waiting and keep hurting.

 

He is an otherwise very stable guy. I don't think he'd ever cheat on me. He has strong morals, religiously-minded (and we share the same opinions on matters like this), and an honest GOOD guy. He's great with kids, and loves my nephews. He has a stable, well-paying job, is fiscally responsible and has even purchased a beautiful townhouse in the suburbs (which I helped out in the whole 2 year search process). Everything points towards commitment/stability so what can I do to make him feel more secure that "pulling the trigger" is the "right" move? I know I should consider myself lucky to have snagged such a great guy (and I do), but I can't help but hurt when I'm ready and he's seemingly incapable of making a commitment decision.

 

Some of my friends tell me to be more independent, stop being his wife and let him miss me/want me. I guess I could give it a try, but I'd really miss him myself! Honestly, I don't want to "get a life" outside of him. I like spreading mulch with him more than I would having meaningless banter about jewelry with some girls at the mall. So what do I do? Deal with the emotional pain and hope we come out on the other side together? Give him space and see if he misses me even though I don't want space? Give him an ultimatum (generally frowned upon, I know, but he does respond to "deadlines")? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sunshinegirl]

Some of my friends tell me to be more independent, stop being his wife and let him miss me/want me. I guess I could give it a try, but I'd really miss him myself! Honestly, I don't want to "get a life" outside of him. I like spreading mulch with him more than I would having meaningless banter about jewelry with some girls at the mall.

 

What, like those are your only two options - spreading mulch or talking about jewelry? If that is what you really think, then I think you suffer from a lack of (a) imagination, (b) hobbies, © a bucket list or (d) friends you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

 

So what do I do? Deal with the emotional pain and hope we come out on the other side together? Give him space and see if he misses me even though I don't want space? Give him an ultimatum (generally frowned upon, I know, but he does respond to "deadlines")? [/FONT][/sIZE]

 

There is a saying: never make someone your priority when they are making you their option. As painful as it is to hear it, it may fit in your situation.

 

You can (a) do nothing. And continue to get the same result. You can (b) offer an ultimatum. And likely lose the relationship. You can © give him space, stop talking about engagement, develop an independent life, and wait (for *some* period of time, but not forever) to see if he comes around. If he doesn't, at least you have developed a life without him, so that your sun doesn't rise and set with what he's doing, thinking, feeling, etc. and you can feel confident about moving on to someone more compatible.

 

I know I sound harsh, but having waited around for men myself in the past, in retrospect it was never worth it because their feelings never caught up to mine. I hate to say it but if you've been together 3 years and he's not feelin' it, then odds are against him "coming around."

 

Good luck...

[Stung]

What, like those are your only two options - spreading mulch or talking about jewelry? If that is what you really think, then I think you suffer from a lack of (a) imagination, (b) hobbies, © a bucket list or (d) friends you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

 

 

 

For real. Boston, not trying to be mean, but your assertion that your only options beside him are meaningless and that you don't want to have your own life, I cringed. He's is already telling you he wants a woman with more independence, listen to him.

 

I miss my husband when he's not around, but I have a life, I am my own person. I have skills and hobbies, outside interests. When I go out with my female friends, we talk about politics, economics, art, relationships--we are adult women with fully formed interests and pursuits, we don't sit around babbling mindlessly about tacky mall jewelry, what is that all about? When I meet up with my husband again after an evening or a few days apart, he is stimulated by my company and I have interesting stories to tell him about what I've been doing. Can you say the same?

 

You have fallen into a common trap and made your boyfriend the center of your universe. It's unhealthy, it's needy, and frankly, ultimately it's boring. You need to breathe some life back into yourself, whether you end up marrying this guy or not. Please, for your own sake, widen your focus a little bit. I'm assuming you already work, I think you should also do some volunteer work, take a class, or join a gym or a club. Make a new friend (hopefully more interesting than the ones you apparently already have), take up a new hobby. And plan it around your own schedule, not his.

 

I hope things work out the way you want them to, marriage-wise. Honestly I agree with sunshine in that it doesn't look great at this point, but who knows, he could change his mind once you start giving him a little breathing room. Even if this relationship ends, I think that might actually be good for you in the long run. You are only 25, you have plenty of time to settle down still, and in the meantime you really seem like you have some work to do on rediscovering yourself and learning to establish yourself as a full person with or without a relationship.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with the previous two posters. You need a life outside this guy. As much as I love talking to my boyfriend, I couldn't have every second of every day revolved around him. We have separate hobbies and interests, to keep us occupied when we're not talking (we're currently in a LDR) and things don't get boring. Your boyfriend probably loves you but is probably bored. How's he supposed to miss and appreciate you when you're always around? Get a life outside of him and he'll probably come around, either that or he'll just decide he doesn't want to ever marry you. But either way you'll be better off in the end.

[Boston85]

I totally understand with what you guys are all saying, HOWEVER, I don't think spending your free time with a significant other should be viewed as dependent or needy.

 

I work a full-time job and a part-time job, so I put in 60+ hours a week; my boyfriend works around 70 hours/week. Some of the only time we have together is a 10 pm dinner and weekends. And as adults we have responsibilities (i.e. house maintenance etc) to take care of on the weekends.

 

Why is it wrong to WANT to spend your precious free time with the person you love? Sure we spend the occasional time apart (he spends Wednesdays with his guy friends), I went to a Red Sox game with some girlfriends on Saturday. But in reality when your daily life is 30% sleep, 60% work and 10% spare time - whats wrong with choosing to spend that 10% with the person you love?

 

PS - And yes, I'd love to get hobbies and volunteer, take a class, get more into photography, go to the gym more regularly, but such is the life of a working adult (damn student loans!) - I barely have time to do laundry!

[aerogurl87]

I totally understand with what you guys are all saying, HOWEVER, I don't think spending your free time with a significant other should be viewed as dependent or needy.

 

I work a full-time job and a part-time job, so I put in 60+ hours a week; my boyfriend works around 70 hours/week. Some of the only time we have together is a 10 pm dinner and weekends. And as adults we have responsibilities (i.e. house maintenance etc) to take care of on the weekends.

 

Why is it wrong to WANT to spend your precious free time with the person you love? Sure we spend the occasional time apart (he spends Wednesdays with his guy friends), I went to a Red Sox game with some girlfriends on Saturday. But in reality when your daily life is 30% sleep, 60% work and 10% spare time - whats wrong with choosing to spend that 10% with the person you love?

 

PS - And yes, I'd love to get hobbies and volunteer, take a class, get more into photography, go to the gym more regularly, but such is the life of a working adult (damn student loans!) - I barely have time to do laundry!

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend your free time with the man you love. That's actually a good thing, but the way you worded it in your original post came across as him being the center of your universe. And now that you've said this I'm starting to think he may be trying to let you down softly. Hate to say it, but have you ever thought maybe he's already made up his mind that you're not the "one" for him? I know it's not what you want to think about, but after 3 years of being with you, he should know by now.

[Stung]

I totally understand with what you guys are all saying, HOWEVER, I don't think spending your free time with a significant other should be viewed as dependent or needy.

 

I work a full-time job and a part-time job, so I put in 60+ hours a week; my boyfriend works around 70 hours/week. Some of the only time we have together is a 10 pm dinner and weekends. And as adults we have responsibilities (i.e. house maintenance etc) to take care of on the weekends.

 

Why is it wrong to WANT to spend your precious free time with the person you love? Sure we spend the occasional time apart (he spends Wednesdays with his guy friends), I went to a Red Sox game with some girlfriends on Saturday. But in reality when your daily life is 30% sleep, 60% work and 10% spare time - whats wrong with choosing to spend that 10% with the person you love?

 

PS - And yes, I'd love to get hobbies and volunteer, take a class, get more into photography, go to the gym more regularly, but such is the life of a working adult (damn student loans!) - I barely have time to do laundry!

 

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to spend the majority of late evenings and weekends with your SO, and I get your point about your busy lives...believe me, I do. I've been a working adult for an awfully long time now, my husband works very long hours at a challenging job, we have a home to maintain and children to raise. But we still have to make ourselves priorities...it's about finding balance.

 

I still maintain that if the only alternative you see to doing chores with your boyfriend is the one you listed or something very similar, and you see no value to time spent with anyone other than him, there is a problem.

 

Next time your boyfriend wants to spend the weekend doing dirty gardening chores, maybe he can get one of his guy friends to help. They can drink beer and sweat and guy-bond. You're into photography, which is great: you spend the day going for a walk, taking pictures. See if one of your friends can tear herself away from the mall long enough to do an art project. Don't wait for him to assert that he needs a little guy time, tell him to take a little guy time, because you have something of your own.

 

I currently struggle with a version of this issue myself, as I try to find time for myself away from my baby. It's easy to get absorbed by motherhood but I work to retain some balance for myself and for my marriage. I don't know what it's like where you live but in my area it's possible to find one-day classes, or volunteer opportunities that only require a few hours a month. I take a photography class here, a mosaics class there, volunteer a few hours at a shelter when I can. I work on my personal projects at night instead of watching tv, while I'm doing laundry. Every little bit is personally revitalizing and makes the time I do get to spend with my husband more valued and more interesting. And, you know, sometimes the house stuff has to slip a little bit, or we need to get a babysitter and take a personal day at the office. Priorities, and balance.

 

You're getting lost in a marriage that doesn't even exist yet, no wonder it's upsetting to you.

[Boston85]

Just thought I'd give a little update. My boyfriend and I talked about some of our issues and we agreed that we've lost our identities in a marriage that doesn't exist yet. It's just so easy to work all day and just hang out with your SO - no plans necessary. Keeping up with friends and perusing hobbies takes effort, but we both agree it's necessary to maintain individual lives outside of work and our relationship. I hope this will help us have a stronger,

sustainable relationship and give us fulfilling individual lives to share with each other.

 

I also asked him to tell me honestly if he really was still unsure after three years of dating that I'm "the one" - and he says he thinks and hopes I am, but just doesn't feel ready to make that move yet. So at least I know now that he's not just trying to hold me off and let me down easy. Unless he's lying, lets hope not.

[Crazy Magnet]

It honestly doesn't sound like you resolved much of anything unless there is more to the updated story. He still doesn't know if he wants to marry you. What more does he need to know after three years? It's not like you're going to walk down the isle the day after he proposes. He "hopes" you the one? What does that even mean?

[aerogurl87]

It honestly doesn't sound like you resolved much of anything unless there is more to the updated story. He still doesn't know if he wants to marry you. What more does he need to know after three years? It's not like you're going to walk down the isle the day after he proposes. He "hopes" you the one? What does that even mean?

 

He hopes your the "one" = I really still think there might be something better out there, so don't hold your breath. Look, sounds to me like he's just talking in circles. I honestly don't think he wants to marry you if he's giving you answers like this after 3 years of being together. I'd hate to see you end up like some couples, where you two finally break up after a few years of dating and then 6 months to a year later your ex is getting married to some girl because he actually feels like she's the one and you're left feeling crushed inside.

[torranceshipman]

'At any rate, when we talk about it (or should I say when IIIIII talk/cry about it)...'

 

Oh no - this is horrible. If a man did this with me I would leave him. I couldn't take the pressure. I'm not saying either person is right, I am just saying this is massive pressure that can make a person want to run in the opposite direction. You sitting there crying and pushing him is just a miserable all round situation and you need to stop doing that.

 

Secondly, this is a problem too: 'me of my friends tell me to be more independent, stop being his wife and let him miss me/want me. I guess I could give it a try, but I'd really miss him myself! Honestly, I don't want to "get a life" outside of him. I like spreading mulch with him more than I would having meaningless banter about jewelry with some girls at the mall.'.

 

I agree with other posters about the jewellery in the mall comment too!

 

And yea...after 3 years you guys aren't living together and he hopes you are the one? It sucks to say this, but it doesn't sound like he is certain about you at all (or possibly it is M he is not certain about?) as after 3 yrs you KNOW if the person is the one.

Edited July 23, 2010 by torranceshipman

[Calendula]

Have you and your boyfriend actually discussed IN DETAIL what you both consider 'marriage' to be?

 

What do you actually MEAN when you say the word, how do you define it, why is it something you want in your life? What is the significance of marriage for you? Why is it important for you to be 'married' to him instead of continuing in the relationship you currently have? What would have to change about your lives if you were to get married, and are these changes something you BOTH want? Chances are, he's comfortable where he is - he has his townhouse, job, schedule, someone to spend time with - what reason would he have to change it all up? How would life be so much better for him (or you) if the two of you were 'married'? What limitations on his life is he forseeing that he associates with the term 'marriage' (perhaps being 'tied down' lack of freedom, 'stuck')?

 

Part of his hesitancy might even be related to current relationship problems you two are not even aware you have because you're too close to them. You might actually NEED some extended time apart (perhaps you could take a month long trip somewhere without him) even if it isn't something you don't currently want.

 

Make sure you are both talking the same language when you discuss 'marriage'. Make sure you're using the same definitions and ideas related to the term - define them for each other. Don't keep asking him "why don't you want to marry me?", and instead start asking him "what does the concept of 'marriage' mean to you?" Asking the right questions and delving into the depths of how you both feel/think on the concept of marriage may help you better understand his hesitancy and your desires.