how to keep infatuation under control?

[yes]

i get infatuated with and attached to people i don't even really like way too easily. any tips on how to avoid that? it gives people too much power over me, and it can't be good for me.

 

i know the best answer is to be in touch and involved with many people, so that every one person gets less weight in my emotional side, but that's so hard for me b/c i'm very ... unmobile i guess: if i meet somebody i'm comfortable with, i won't seek new encounters - so unless people come to me, i'll spend all my time with the initial person, and before i know it - i'm attached, infatuated, and a result - anxious, frustrated, jealous, angry (the whole package!). and even if other people do come to me, somehow they stay secondary... - more like a threat to separate me from my initial person than new connections. So what ends up happening is that in every environment, there's a "first" person for me, who i stick to.

 

did that make any sense to anyone? any ideas?

-yes

 

PS the idea that just occurred to me is that if that "initial" person of every environment could be ME, i'd be much better off. now this is making sense to me ... it all goes back to my relationship with my parents (sorry to get freudian here) and not trusting myself, needing someone else to back up my opinion, to approve of my actions, etc. if i could only trust myself, and be my own first person, i'd be much safer from all this infatuation & anxiety stuff. (at least i'm past the stage of thinking this intense crap is THE stuff ...)

[BlockHead]

I think the human race would be extinct without infatuation.

yes

it gives people too much power over me, and it can't be good for me.

Is this all about power? There are plenty of harried women that use their sex appeal or power to extract money, time, and emotions from men.

 

What may be ideal for some women is not necessarily ideal for you.

I think emotionally shallow or unavailable women like to fool with several men at a time.

 

Arguably, if this were a numbers game, your chances of finding a suitable partner would be better when dating several men at a time.

 

Are you looking for a long-term relationship?

[yes]

when i said "involved" i didn't mean dating. i'm talking on the emotional level here. i don't date many men at once, but i could be curious/in touch with several, right?

 

i'm not looking for an LTR - but if i meet someone w/ whom it works, i won't stop it. i don't believe in looking for anything - you just live, a day at a time, and things happen.

 

thanks for your reply,

-yes

[reasontosigh]

did that make any sense to anyone?

 

Made perfect sense to me!

 

I think what you said in the PS about making youself the "initial' person sounds like a good idea. Also, this...

 

- you just live, a day at a time, and things happen.

 

Both are good strategies - now, if only I could keep them in mind during the heat of the moment!

 

I sure would like to see some more feedback on this - it's an interesting topic!

[yes]

hurray, i'm glad it made sense to someone =)

 

I think what you said in the PS about making youself the "initial' person sounds like a good idea

 

yeah, i think that's the strategy to take, too. will try!

 

-yes

[Arabess]

I think anytime someone gets into a frame of mind of needing someone else to validate them....it causes self esteem problems. They can end up needing the little bit of validation they may be getting so much....that even though they are totally unfulfilled and unhappy....they are still not be able to emotionally free themselves from that relationship.

 

Therefore, even if the person in their life isn't 'exercising' any power over them....it still feels like it because they are so desperate not to lose the relationship that they 'door mat' themselves in panic mode....due to being afraid they will be left alone.

 

I think it may start in puberty....when someone just wants a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' without having any real common ground or goals. They just want someone to belong to. If they continue doing this....they never become who THEY are...they just keep blending in. They never get what they want....because they haven't explored the issue long enough to define what they want.

 

Dating more than one person at a time can be tricky. Maybe just dating someone without making a relationship out of it would be better. Does that make sense?

[yes]

yes, it does make sense. it does all go back to self-esteem/validation issues. however, i'm not sure how to lose these (issues, that is). it feels like i need an external frame of reference - and this is always gonna lead me to trouble, i can't always rely on somebody to hold me up when i become shaky...

 

-yes

[monkey00]

Originally posted by yes

i get infatuated with and attached to people i don't even really like way too easily. any tips on how to avoid that? it gives people too much power over me, and it can't be good for me.

 

i know the best answer is to be in touch and involved with many people, so that every one person gets less weight in my emotional side, but that's so hard for me b/c i'm very ... unmobile i guess: if i meet somebody i'm comfortable with, i won't seek new encounters - so unless people come to me, i'll spend all my time with the initial person, and before i know it - i'm attached, infatuated, and a result - anxious, frustrated, jealous, angry (the whole package!). and even if other people do come to me, somehow they stay secondary... - more like a threat to separate me from my initial person than new connections. So what ends up happening is that in every environment, there's a "first" person for me, who i stick to.

 

did that make any sense to anyone? any ideas?

-yes

 

PS the idea that just occurred to me is that if that "initial" person of every environment could be ME, i'd be much better off. now this is making sense to me ... it all goes back to my relationship with my parents (sorry to get freudian here) and not trusting myself, needing someone else to back up my opinion, to approve of my actions, etc. if i could only trust myself, and be my own first person, i'd be much safer from all this infatuation & anxiety stuff. (at least i'm past the stage of thinking this intense crap is THE stuff ...)

 

haha i know how u feel, i've been there! stage of infatuation goes to anxiety, frustration, jealousy, and anger...yep yep. but yea i would say during infatuation it's the best feeling yet! well at least it teaches you a good lesson.

 

since you say that once you're in a comfort zone with an individual, you usually like to stay in that zone until it falls apart then you go out seeking another comfort zone. DONT DO THAT.

you seem like the type of person who may be needy, unconfident, and insecure, to me and esspecially to others.

 

how do you stop infatuation? well i have no 100% effective way.

but there is a good method to keep it from occuring so constantly or possibly never again!

grasp control of your life again, what you're doing currently is handing control of you over to another because you've lost your direction in life....in other words, you're looking for someone to direct you or lead you to an "uncertain path" i know you probably havent found your path in life yet, but that shouldnt give you the reason to stay in a comfort zone...

confidence + motivation is all you need to give you what you lack. once you have those 2, your possibilities will be endless.

 

it's almost like work. you've found a decent job doing what you like, you get good pay, the ppl there are nice to you, the work isnt all that challenging to you, it's close to where you live, the office, your desk...everything basically the environment is soothing, simple and convenient....

YOU're happy there basically, because it fulfills your wants and your motivation has dissipated.

 

let's say a motivated person. has all that i stated above...yet he sees no challenge, desires a higher wage, a ppl person( desiring to meet new ppl, make new friends/acquantences), feels he's learned all there is to know @ work, feels there's no longer growth for him as an individual anymore from that environment....he seeks out a new job that may make it more of a challenge/inconvenience for him (longer drive to work, knows no on there (yet!) the work there is different that what he's used to) but he likes it!!!! why? cause he's motivated by the challenge and experience he's receiving from work, because it helps him to grow both intellectually, professionally, socially...in almost every aspect you can name. he moves on from job to job until he decides it's time to settle down whicch is in his late 40's.

 

well anyway you can understand how this relates to confidence + motivation, you should realize that depending on someone else can deprive you of your own growth. in today's world the only person you can rely on for survival is yourself. i hope this helped! :-)

[yes]

what you're doing currently is handing control of you over to another because you've lost your direction in life....

 

bingo.

 

i see no purpose in life, and i seek out a person who'll sooth me and convince me that life is beautiful and i'm cool to level myself out. of course i keep jumping person to person, in pain while inbetween people, and way too controlled by these people. for the longest time it was my parents, so nothing too bad happened (except for my inability to stand up on my own), but now i seek it from other people and it does get me into trouble b/c they obviously have their own agendas. and yes, i guess i am needy and insecure ... but i only show it to one person at a time.

 

-yes

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by Arabess

I think anytime someone gets into a frame of mind of needing someone else to validate them....it causes self esteem problems. They can end up needing the little bit of validation they may be getting so much....that even though they are totally unfulfilled and unhappy....they are still not be able to emotionally free themselves from that relationship.

 

 

You've hit the nail on the head here I think Arabess, and touched on one of the very things I am trying to overcome! I am trying to overcome the need for external approval, from my bf, parents, friends whoever!

 

yes, I think that will certainly help you a lot too. There are some good books on self esteem which may help you on the way.

[monkey00]

Originally posted by yes

i see no purpose in life, and i seek out a person who'll sooth me and convince me that life is beautiful and i'm cool to level myself out. of course i keep jumping person to person, in pain while inbetween people, and way too controlled by these people. for the longest time it was my parents, so nothing too bad happened (except for my inability to stand up on my own), but now i seek it from other people and it does get me into trouble b/c they obviously have their own agendas. and yes, i guess i am needy and insecure ... but i only show it to one person at a time.

 

-yes

 

now that you've repeated this again i just realized something. you jumping from person to person...it sounds like you seek something that which you cannot acquire, but feel that person will be able to offer it to you, if he's not able to, then you simply will cling on as long as you feel it will protect/avert you from facing the harsh reality and truth.

 

first off, where are your friends when you need them yes?

 

second off, you need to stop seeking what doesnt exist....as the old saying goes..."you can run, but you can't hide." sooner down the line, you're going to have to face the facts that it isn't going to get better, it'll only get worse.

 

a good reminder for everyone...."in order to learn how to stand back up and walk again is if you fall." "if everytime someone prevents you from falling, how will you learn how to stand back up?"

this example comes from a baby, but yea you the picture.

 

you depend so much on a single person, then all of a sudden that person disappears from your life...answer this, what will you do then?? -yes, there are times where u just gotta learn to walk on your own 2 feet instead of having others carry you on their backs all your life. grow up!

 

i understand that you wont change in an instant after reading this, cause change takes time.

you just have to realize the faults before it becomes to late to repair it.