My husband has cheated - is it only about sex?

[JD25]

Hi - I just joined because I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman for almost 2 years now. He left one of his email accounts open by mistake and I found dozens of messages between them, some very explicit, others planning and discussing their meetings, which were supposed to be only about sex.

 

But then, some of the messages are very personal. I can't understand, for example, why he seems to have a need to show off to her what a great dad he is. I won't go into details, but he tries to come across as the best father who ever lived, and she has a toddler, like we do. He compliments her so much on her mothering skills, her child, how "wonderful" she is for staying home. (I work.)

 

Here is the problem, they have only had sex 3 times, from what I could gather. The first message I found was from 2008, so that's a lot of time to be involved with someone with that little sex, and he seems to be very sexually attracted to her, which breaks my heart.

 

But I don't know which is worse, the sex or the seeming emotional involvement. Is it possible that he has only been chasing her this long for sex? They don't seem to meet up for anything else (no dinners, dates, etc.) and every time she breaks up with him, he's the one giving her space but then looking for her again.

 

Can it be just about sex for him?

 

(I haven't decided what I'm going to do either way, so this is just for the sake for discussion and I would love to hear your opinions.)

[jthorne]

This sounds a lot like edith's situation. You might want to take a look at her thereads here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=14169638

[Hazyhead]

I'm sorry you're going through this, JD. It's not for me to say whether it was definitely more than sex or not but I can say what it looks like to me. It's very unlikely, given the amount of time they've been communicating, that this is the case. He has most likely built a strong emotional connection. Two years is a long time to have a relationship like that and not be emotionally invested. Are you sure they only had sex three times? Have you confronted him? If not I suggest you stay vigilant for a time first; get your evidence together.

 

Best wishes.

Hazy

[JD25]

OK, so here's the breakdown of my husband's affair, after reading all the emails between him and his mistress:

 

December '08 - They start emailing and coming on to each other, right after she left his office to be a SAHM to her 2 month old son (ours was one month old at the time). The conversation turns sexual, he even spends his birthday with her online for 8 hours straight. He also leaves the house to call her and tells me it's about work (I remember this because it was on our oldest son's birthday and I later read the email)

 

March '09 - They've been in contact all this time without meeting for sex, because one of them always backs out. She says she wants to see the chemistry between them, schedules a happy hour with people from work - he stands her up, then writes back apologizing and begging to meet. They have some kind of fight over the phone, according to one email, then he stops writing her altogether.

 

July '09 - She's invited to a birthday party via email, he's part of the email, and she "replies to all" to say she can't make it. He writes to her asking how she's been, she replies coldly. That's the end.

 

September '09 - She invites his office to her son's birthday party. He declines but writes back all chatty and trying to bait her. She replies politely and he immediately (within 1 minute) writes back and tells her "don't be a stranger" and he would "love to see her". They decide to talk on the phone, then she emails him, COPIES HER HUSBAND, and asks my husband to call her because hers will be listening in (she got caught). My husband calls and saves her (I know this because she emails thanking him).

 

December '09 - She visits the office near Christmas. According to emails, he invited her into his office, wanted her to touch him, she said no, and she might go back to work there. More phone calls (I don't know what they said). Emails about children, how he has been, his life, her as a mom, etc. He tells her she's doing "the right thing" by staying home and shouldn't go back to work.

 

January '10 - After deciding that they wouldn't resume their affair until she got back to work in his office, she changes her mind and writes him asking him to meet her right away. He leads her on for a week, never setting a date, and finally stops responding.

 

April '10 - He emails her saying that he misses her and can she please meet him. She says yes, but not until 3 weeks later. Then, she goes to his office and they have sex for the first time. She emails him the next day to set a date, again he leads her on for a week, without setting a date. A lot of emails about our lives and the kids.

 

May '10 - She emails breaking up with him, saying that it's because she felt "guilty" and couldn't do it anymore - tells him to never contact her again. He doesn't.

 

July '10 - She visits the office for a friend's birthday. He knows she'll be there and later admits to rushing everyone out of the office all day to make sure he could see her, and hangs up on me when she's about to leave without talking to him. He invites her into his office and apparently they had sex. He tells her he'd be off the following week but would shoot her an email once he got back. His emails are a lot more emotional and they spend a huge amount of time discussing the kids, our routines, him complimenting her on everything, and her child. He seems very interested in her life.

 

So what do you make of this? Doesn't she seem to be the one who has feelings?

[2sure]

Well he isnt interested in seeing her for happy hour, or with other people around. Each time she has tried to arrange that he has declined or stiffed.

 

He certainly doesnt want her to come back to work for obvious reasons , so that kind of explains why he thinks its great she stay home. After all, it doesnt seem like anything was happening WHILE she worked there. He is aware of what he is doing.

 

Most MM who have affairs want to be at all that to someone - when I was OW, each of the MM went to great Lents to indicate that they were super dad, friend to all, corporate power houses, exemplary and sacrificing husbands and providers.

 

They also continually fed my ego by saying wonderful things about me - that werent even true simply because my being all that was an integral part of the affair they envisioned.

 

Given the amount of invitations he had and the number of time he actually gave up - I'd say it was sex and an emotional ego feed , possibly for both of them.

 

If you want your marriage to recover from this - its your H, not you, that has to do most of the work. Her H found something out and not one of them thought to protect you or inform you at all.

[jthorne]

July '10 - She visits the office for a friend's birthday. He knows she'll be there and later admits to rushing everyone out of the office all day to make sure he could see her, and hangs up on me when she's about to leave without talking to him. He invites her into his office and apparently they had sex. He tells her he'd be off the following week but would shoot her an email once he got back. His emails are a lot more emotional and they spend a huge amount of time discussing the kids, our routines, him complimenting her on everything, and her child. He seems very interested in her life.

Aaaaannnnd... This sounds exactly like michelle's, whose thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237818/

 

Isn't it ironic how all these stories are so similar? Sure is a coincidence!

[Snowflower]

Aaaaannnnd... This sounds exactly like michelle's, whose thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237818/

 

Isn't it ironic how all these stories are so similar? Sure is a coincidence!

 

It is a coincidence!

 

I won't waste my time on either thread since I can't be sure who the OP of either thread really is. Is it the BS posing as the OW or vice-versa? Besides, there is yet another thread in infidelity now.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi - I just joined because I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman for almost 2 years now. He left one of his email accounts open by mistake and I found dozens of messages between them, some very explicit, others planning and discussing their meetings, which were supposed to be only about sex.

 

But then, some of the messages are very personal. I can't understand, for example, why he seems to have a need to show off to her what a great dad he is. I won't go into details, but he tries to come across as the best father who ever lived, and she has a toddler, like we do. He compliments her so much on her mothering skills, her child, how "wonderful" she is for staying home. (I work.)

 

Here is the problem, they have only had sex 3 times, from what I could gather. The first message I found was from 2008, so that's a lot of time to be involved with someone with that little sex, and he seems to be very sexually attracted to her, which breaks my heart.

 

But I don't know which is worse, the sex or the seeming emotional involvement. Is it possible that he has only been chasing her this long for sex? They don't seem to meet up for anything else (no dinners, dates, etc.) and every time she breaks up with him, he's the one giving her space but then looking for her again.

 

Can it be just about sex for him?

 

(I haven't decided what I'm going to do either way, so this is just for the sake for discussion and I would love to hear your opinions.)

 

So what's you side of the coin? (not to be disrespectful). But my brother has been married for 20 years and dutifully raised two daughters. However his wife is a controlling and sexually stingy pain in the azz I would never put up with. Now he works for a different firm and gets these vibes fro this attractive girl and wound up balling her. To him it's the height of his adult life but he gt caught through the usual female technology snooping and has knuckled back under his wife's tyranny. I had a g/f who was divorced (by 23 no less). According to her the guy just walked out on her and she did no wrong. I bought it as I met her when she was 25 and me 32. After two years with her I was fully aware of why this guy went so far as to divorce her and embarrass himself in the eyes of both families. There's two sides to every coin. And I think I've only heard one. Forgive my bluntness but it's fair to ask IMO based on my experience.

[wheelwright]

I can't answer your question either. You know your H and his emotional and sexual appetites, your sex life and emotional intimacy. So I think you could probably have an educated guess.

 

It doesn't sound like he's discussing feelings with her, although may have been careful about this on email. Then again, why hasn't he deleted all this?

 

If it is just sex for him, then you have one kind of problem. He's invested in your M, but will likely serial cheat until someone eventually someone does touch him emotionally. Unless he comes clean and gets help.

 

If it's emotions, then he's partially bailed on the M for some reason, and won't serial cheat as a matter of course if they give one another up. But he won't find it easy to give her up if emotions are there. Until it threatens his M, which could be around the corner...

 

If it's true that they have only had sex 3 times, then they are showing remarkable restraint for people who are emotionally connected and interested in extra-marital sex.

 

8 hours online straight sounds like there is an emotional/intimate connection for sure.

 

They both sound like split-self APs. You can look this up. jennie-jennie has posted quite a bit about it in the past, or google might work.

 

You sound very calm, which will be helpful for dealing with all this.

[stillafool]

Hi - I just joined because I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman for almost 2 years now. He left one of his email accounts open by mistake and I found dozens of messages between them, some very explicit, others planning and discussing their meetings, which were supposed to be only about sex.

 

But then, some of the messages are very personal. I can't understand, for example, why he seems to have a need to show off to her what a great dad he is. I won't go into details, but he tries to come across as the best father who ever lived, and she has a toddler, like we do. He compliments her so much on her mothering skills, her child, how "wonderful" she is for staying home. (I work.)

 

Here is the problem, they have only had sex 3 times, from what I could gather. The first message I found was from 2008, so that's a lot of time to be involved with someone with that little sex, and he seems to be very sexually attracted to her, which breaks my heart.

 

But I don't know which is worse, the sex or the seeming emotional involvement. Is it possible that he has only been chasing her this long for sex? They don't seem to meet up for anything else (no dinners, dates, etc.) and every time she breaks up with him, he's the one giving her space but then looking for her again.

 

Can it be just about sex for him?

 

(I haven't decided what I'm going to do either way, so this is just for the sake for discussion and I would love to hear your opinions.)

 

 

What did your husband say when you confronted him with his affair?

[stillafool]

This sounds a lot like edith's situation. You might want to take a look at her thereads here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=14169638

 

 

This sounds like Edith to me.

[SidLyon]

This sounds like Edith to me.

 

I picked up on the similarity to Michelle immediately (it was the comment about rushing people out of the office that alerted me). My guess is OW masquerading as BW due to lack of emotional devastation in posts - but I could be wrong.

 

So we have Edith, Michelle and now JD25 - it's all too difficult to unravel - how about you come clean girl(s).

[jthorne]

When I responded to Edith, I said that he must have some feelings for her, because after all, if it was just sex, he wouldn't bother for 2 years. But now that I see the actual timeline, I'm going to change my answer.

 

This is sex and ego feed. He never wants to see her in a public setting, and all sex is in his office. The cheapo can't even spring for a Motel 6? Must not think that much of her. They have only had sex 3 times in 2 years? Thats not an OW, thats a booty call. Probably all he really knows about her (other than that she's an easy lay) is that she's a SAHM. Therefore, he blows smoke up her azz about what a good mom she is. How the hell would he know? He's not the baby daddy (or is he?)

 

Nah, she's no threat. But your spouse is a lying, cheating, cheapass loser.

Edited July 20, 2010 by jthorne

[cgray]

This is one of the most interesting threads I've read. I can't figure out who's who, but I've read a few of the messages in each of the three "stories" and have a couple of things to say.

 

First off, I disagree with jthorne. She (?) only seems willing to change her opinion because she thinks this was posted by the OW, not the wife (I also read the Infidelity thread). And she also thinks that this is that Michelle girl she called a brat who's independently wealthy, or something like that (sorry, but you sounded jealous). I am always very interested in finding out how people react to situations based on who is delivering the story, so this is brilliant.

 

When the wife has a sob story, everyone offers support. When the OW tells the truth about her feelings, she gets bashed (how dare she???). Especially when the OW apparently has everything that other women want (including those who hang out eating popcorn with their mothers).

 

But that's not the point. Lady, I don't care who you are, but I have been the OW for about 9 years now. There is NO WAY that your husband will ever let go of this woman, assuming that you are, in fact, the wife.

 

Men who are only interested in booty calls don't waste their time emailing them about his life, how he is, complimenting her and her motherly skills, talking about her child, etc. He might bring up sex a lot, which you mentioned, even though I don't know to which extent. But if it has been going on for so long and he didn't forget about her, they had a very strong connection. (And btw, what kind of a man looking for a booty call would spend his BIRTHDAY online with her call for 8 HOURS? And sneak out on his son't birthday to talk to her? Come on, now.)

 

And how many men looking for a booty call would actually CALL the woman's husband to save her? This was very telling. I can't tell if he actually spoke with the husband or not, but it doesn't matter. As soon as she needed him, in a very high stress situation that could have gotten her into deep trouble, he was there for her. He could have cowered and not replied, or only emailed. But he stepped up to the plate, BECAUSE HE CARES FOR HER.

 

He does seem conflicted, however. I don't know if this is the first time you find out about something like this or if he has cheated before, but his doubt probably has to do with guilt. Either that, or he is very concerned with how he comes across to her, which is one reason why he he talks about himself as a father so much. He's basically saying "I am cheating on my wife, I suck as a husband, but I'm a wonderful father. Actually, I'm a nice guy. Look at how conflicted I am over this affair and how it weighs on my conscience, to the point where I have to stop it once in awhile. This is only happening because I can't stay away from you, not because I'm a cheating bastard.". And what interest would he have in portraying this image to a booty call? None. Unless he sees her as something more, in the future.

 

I would guess that it was mostly sexual, or it is for now, since he seems to be very attracted to her, especially since they hadn't seen each other in weeks and ended up having sex in his office. That SCREAMS hot, passionate, sexual compatibility (and I would venture to say that maybe the first time in his office was a fantasy thing for at least one of them, if they worked together at one point? I'm sorry if this upsets you in any way, but these two sound kinky - together.)

 

I'm having a hard time thinking of a booty call whose choice of lifestyle (working vs. non-working) is of any interest to her man. Why in the world would this guy care about what kind of a mother she is if she is only supposed to be a FB? Now, they may have an understanding that it's only about sex, but they're both finding out that it's easier said than done.

 

But to answer your question, does he have feelings? OF COURSE he does. Is he in love? I don't know, but he is, without a doubt, falling for her. But here's the thing: THE MORE THEY HAVE SEX, THE DEEPER HIS FEELINGS WILL GET. This affair has been going on for a long time, but in a way, it just started.

 

So if you really are his wife, I suggest you confront him - soon. If you are the OW, he's already falling for you. Study the case a little more deeply, and you will have what I assume you want (him). If you're just a lunatic making all of this up to get on people's nerves, thank you - you just gave me one hell of an insight into human beings' biased psyches.

[jthorne]

Did my post touch a nerve? I'm sorry. You've been an OW for 9 years, and he still hasn't left for you? Maybe he doesn't love you as much as you think he does. I can see where my post could have been upsetting, and I apologize. But to respond...

 

Jealous of a troll? What's to be jealous of?

 

People that don't believe in affairs are gonna be little biased. That's not rocket science.

 

Not sure if you were referring to me with the popcorn comment, since it wasn't at all what I said. Nevertheless, I happen to love my mother very much. She's one of the coolest people I know, and I'm damn lucky to be her daughter. So if she wants to have popcorn, then that's cool with me.

 

I wish you the best, and hope that someday you will find true peace and happiness.

Edited July 20, 2010 by jthorne

[twinsmom]

Methinks Michelle, um, I mean cgray, doth protest too much.

[stillafool]

Yep, it's definitely Michelle. Gosh! Get a life!

[sadintexas]

Nope, not emotional. This one's about the ego stroke. This guy could have met up with her on numerous occassions but didn't.

 

Perhaps he likes the excitement of the chase, the ego feed, whatever, but he could have had free sex with her a lot of times...he could have spent quality time with her a lot of times, but chose NOT to.

 

Any man that feels an emotional connection to a woman, who is insanely attracted to her, and who lacks enough morals to enter into an A is going to take advantage of the times he CAN spend time with her. This guy didn't.

[2sure]

Wow, all the same person.

[bentnotbroken]

I picked up on the similarity to Michelle immediately (it was the comment about rushing people out of the office that alerted me). My guess is OW masquerading as BW due to lack of emotional devastation in posts - but I could be wrong.

 

So we have Edith, Michelle and now JD25 - it's all too difficult to unravel - how about you come clean girl(s).

 

 

Yup, something fishy in the heat.

[jthorne]

Oh. And if you only had sex twice in 2 years, like FO, is that true for her too then? Was she not an OW either?

Why? Are you upset because you're in a similar situation? Why did you take what I said out of context? And for a troll, no less? I think you can do better than that.

 

I'll not answer for FO, but there were times in my situation where sex was infrequent. In our case, we saw time together as a special event, and treated as such. At no time was I ever bent over a desk is his office because he didn't think enough of me to go somewhere less taudry.

[pureinheart]

Hi - I just joined because I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman for almost 2 years now. He left one of his email accounts open by mistake and I found dozens of messages between them, some very explicit, others planning and discussing their meetings, which were supposed to be only about sex.

 

But then, some of the messages are very personal. I can't understand, for example, why he seems to have a need to show off to her what a great dad he is. I won't go into details, but he tries to come across as the best father who ever lived, and she has a toddler, like we do. He compliments her so much on her mothering skills, her child, how "wonderful" she is for staying home. (I work.)

 

Here is the problem, they have only had sex 3 times, from what I could gather. The first message I found was from 2008, so that's a lot of time to be involved with someone with that little sex, and he seems to be very sexually attracted to her, which breaks my heart.

 

But I don't know which is worse, the sex or the seeming emotional involvement. Is it possible that he has only been chasing her this long for sex? They don't seem to meet up for anything else (no dinners, dates, etc.) and every time she breaks up with him, he's the one giving her space but then looking for her again.

 

Can it be just about sex for him?

 

(I haven't decided what I'm going to do either way, so this is just for the sake for discussion and I would love to hear your opinions.)

 

Sounds to me like the EA is stronger. I have not read any of the replies so forgive any duplication. Certainly he is sexually attracted, although not much of that has been happening, maybe he likes the "mind" stuff?

 

What doesnot make sense is the lack (if so) of seeing each other. Do they work together?

 

The giving her her space might be letting her "miss" him, and then he can reappear and not deal with any fallout or anger.

 

Hey, I'll have to read more of what you answered to others, although this sounds a lot like what I went through with exDM.

 

Just want to say I am so sorry and wish you could have come to this forum under different circumstances...hang in there, k...

[jennie-jennie]

Why? Are you upset because you're in a similar situation? Why did you take what I said out of context? And for a troll, no less? I think you can do better than that.

 

I'll not answer for FO, but there were times in my situation where sex was infrequent. In our case, we saw time together as a special event, and treated as such. At no time was I ever bent over a desk is his office because he didn't think enough of me to go somewhere less taudry.

 

No, it just truly baffles me when an extramarital relationship does not contain more than two times of sex in two years. So reading your comment reminded me that this was the case for FO.

[jthorne]

No, it just truly baffles me when an extramarital relationship does not contain more than two times of sex in two years. So reading your comment reminded me that this was the case for FO.

Again, I won't speak for FO, but I personally don't consider cyber sex or Skype sex or phone sex real sex. Call me crazy, but I prefer real dick.

[jennie-jennie]

Again, I won't speak for FO, but I personally don't consider cyber sex or Skype sex or phone sex real sex. Call me crazy, but I prefer real dick.

 

So do I, honey, and I get it... a lot.

 

That is why it is very hard for me to understand having a relationship that lasts for years with hardly no sex at all. I just don't get it.

Edited July 20, 2010 by jennie-jennie