Finalising my divorce and shocked by the sense of loss

[LittleTiger]

Tomorrow I can apply for my decree absolute. All I have to do is get in the car, drive for twenty minutes to the court, hand over the papers and a, not too large, sum of money and I will be divorced. A fourteen year relationship (10 year marriage) over!

 

We've been living 3000 miles apart for two years, the marriage has 'officially' been over since June last year, I'm just about financially stable (although I have debts up to my eyeballs), I've done a lot of work on myself, I'm comfortable with who I am and with living alone. I have a fantastic new man, currently 12,000 miles away in New Zealand, but we see each other regularly and we're working on closing the distance.

 

I've known my (almost) ex husband for 38 years and, for most of that time, he was my best friend. We've managed to maintain a good friendship throughout our break up and we're both happy with that. I like us being friends. I'm not in love with him any more and I have no desire to have sex with him. I don't want to be married to him any more. I think he has a new 'girlfriend', which I hope is serious because I want him to be happy.

 

BUT

 

I feel deeply sad at the thought of being divorced. Is that normal?

 

I feel like I'm about to walk into a great abyss and I'm going to be all alone and get lost in the nothingness. This seems crazy to me because I have a very strong personal identity, I know who I am, I like who I am and I know what I want in life. I'm feisty and strong and, in most situations, I have a reasonable dose of courage, yet right now I feel like a little girl who's facing her first day at school and is too frightened to step through the door.

 

Nothing is going to change, other than having a piece of paper that says the marriage has been dissolved. I've been single before and I was happy enough then (I was a commitment phobe before I married at 34!). Being divorced won't affect my life in any negative way that I can think of. Yet somehow I feel I'm hesitating to get this thing boxed off.

 

It wasn't me who ended the marriage (he pretty much walked out and said he wasn't coming back) but I was the one who filed because I wanted to take back some control. Twelve months ago, I would have worked on our relationship given the choice but it wasn't an option. I don't feel that I failed in any way - I don't see marriage as an exam. I don't feel the time was wasted - I liked being married and I loved my husband. It was mostly good and it's over and I now believe he was right to end it - it wasn't a healthy marriage but I would never have ended it myself. I'm genuinely glad we are no longer a couple. I'm happier now than I've been in years, so what the hell is going on here?

 

It's feels like I'm closing the door to a huge part of my life, locking it and throwing away the key. Any small bits of the old life that I still want, I still have access to. The stuff I'm about to lock away forever is all useless scrap, but I hate locked doors, especially without keys.

 

Having read back through my post I think I've just talked myself into another therapy session. I'm quite shocked by the sense of loss that I feel, even though the thing I'm losing is something I no longer want or need. Is there anybody here who can throw some light on these feelings for me? Has anyone else experienced something similar.

[solitary_man]

i remember my divorce proceedings quite well. I raised my right hand...

"do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

 

"I do."

 

The same two words that established my marriage were used to dissolve it... and that was the hardest part about it. I left the courthouse just as confused as when I'd arrived an hour prior. Nothing fixed, nothing different. Just the same me, the same lonely life, the same nagging questions and anger burning in my chest.

 

The ceremony is nothing... a signed paper... it carries no weight. The true weight is in all the heartache we suffered leading up to that point, and for most of us, that we continue to deal with beyond. That's my experience anyway.

[LittleTiger]

Thanks for your reply solitary_man and I'm sorry to hear about the hurt you have been through.

 

I dont' even have to go through a ceremony. I just hand the papers to the admin people in the court and they process it straight away. I'm not sure if they'll hand me back the decree or post it later that day. Either way I'll be pretty much divorced on the spot.

 

What confuses me is that I don't feel any anger or loneliness any more. I have worked through it all. I feel nothing but platonic love and compassion for my husband.

 

The loss seems to be related to the 'marriage' itself rather than the loss of my husband. I lost him years ago and I've dealt with that loss. The loss of the 'marriage' feels like something else entirely. It's almost as though it was a third person and tomorrow he/she will be dead.

[Butterflair]

I will find out in four months what it feels like. The waiting is horrible, I just want it to be over.

[LittleTiger]

I felt the same some months back Butterflair and I do still have a sense that I'm glad the waiting is over, but now the day has arrived I've been hit with this huge sense of grief and I have no idea where it's come from. I want to cry but I don't seem to have any tears left.

 

I feel as though I'm being forced to jump off a huge cliff without a parachute. For my own sake, I have to jump, but I can't help feeling I might hit the ground with an almighty thud and I'm terrified.

 

Wow, my head is screwed up tonight. After the hell I've been through getting to this point I just think this should be a non-event. I'm not sure if it's my heart or my head, but something is telling me otherwise.

[solitary_man]

LT

 

you're welcome... though I don't know that my perspective is of much benefit to your case. I hope you find the change is a positive one, and wish you the best of luck with your new friend.

[LittleTiger]

LT

 

you're welcome... though I don't know that my perspective is of much benefit to your case. I hope you find the change is a positive one, and wish you the best of luck with your new friend.

 

All replies are appreciated s_m. The fact that you have taken the time to reply lets me know you have some understanding of my situation and that makes me feel less alone. I'm the first person in my family (ever) to be divorced and I have nobody to share this with. Nobody who understands anyway. My closest friends are mostly still married to spouse number one or have never been married at all.

 

Even if your experience was very different, it still helps me to clarify my thoughts.

[solitary_man]

i came from a very small, rural community and there was something of a social/cultural stigma attached to divorce, so yeah... losing that status was a huge let-down for me. I figured I'd be seen as damaged goods by others. I felt like a statistic. Branded with a scarlet "d".

 

But, for me, the proceedings were all overshadowed by the emotional strain I was feeling at the time. My divorce took place only 2 months after I discovered the affair / less than three months after she walked, so I was in a very different place at the time.

 

I'm glad to help somehow. mostly I feel like I'm just butting in on a conversation.

[buckeye]

LT, I think I know how you feel. My Court Hearing is in two days. When I got the notice in the mail last friday, it caused a sick feeling in my stomach. My STBX has been running around with an "old friend from college". I have lost all respect for her and no longer want to be married to her but it still causes intense sorrow. I suppose I miss what we once had, who she once was. But those days are long gone. Hopefully for you and me these feelings will fade with time. Best of Luck & Peace

[2.50 a gallon]

LT

 

Yes it is normal to feel the finality of the loss.

 

I think part of it is that we are taught almost from day one of our lives about the seriousness of taking the wedding vows.

 

In my case, I kicked her out, when I caught her kissing another man, and although she wanted a second chance, and I truly did love her, I never did give it to her. It was sort of "Fool me once" and there isn't going to be a second time. I just walked away, did not care whether we divorced or not, as I knew that I would never marry again.

 

I moved on in life, made new friends, and with the passage of many years, I moved back to my home state to help my mom take care of my ailing father. It was then that I found out that my mom had gotten a copy of my divorce decree from several states away. When she showed it to me, I again felt this great sense of loss, even though it had been finalized 5 years previous and it had been close to a decade since I had last had contact with my XW

 

It was the final death of a dream.

[sally4sara]

It took 6 years to get, but my divorce being final was awesome. Seriously. Had a party even!

 

It sucks that you're feeling down about it. I'm not sure which is preferable; hating the ex and being happy its over, or not hating the ex and feeling as you do right now. I think you win.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you all for your replies. I have had the worst day today, so to come home, turn on my laptop and find support on LS has really helped.

 

I'm ashamed to say I didn't go ahead with it though. I did try. I left it to the last minute, drove half way to the court with the papers in my bag and then bottled out. Now I feel foolish, weak and pathetic on top of everything else.

 

buckeye, I hope your hearing goes as well as it can. At least the date has been decided for you, though I can see the negatives to that too. I think one of the things I'm finding so difficult is that it's all up to me. I chose to file for the divorce because I wanted to take back control and now I have that control I also have the ultimate responsibility - ironic really 'cos that's pretty much how it always was in our marriage.

 

sally4sara, it's funny what you say about celebrating and I really wish I felt that way. Maybe if it I'd had to wait 6 years I would. I could never hate my husband. He has a lot of growing up to do and he hurt me deeply, but he's a good man. He's just not right for me. I guess I am lucky that we're still friends but it could never have been any other way for us. We were friends for 22 years before we got together! My Mum asked me yesterday if she should be sending a congratulations card - apparently they make them these days . I laughed it off, but it hurt. My parents are celebrating their 47th (I think) wedding anniversary tomorrow and have no comprehension of what I'm going through.

 

Gallon, thank you for your reassurance that this is normal. I was starting to wonder if I'm just kidding myself about not wanting him back. If that was true, I would need my head reading after the way he behaved and I know that I have no romantic feelings for him now, I'm happier without him. So much stuff has been going on in my head today and none of it seems to make any sense.

 

Today has proved to me how seriously I took my marriage vows. My marriage isn't just a piece of paper to me and after 10 years it somehow has a 'life' of it's own. When I said 'for as long as we both shall live' I meant it. Now I have to forget I ever said that. I've never knowingly or deliberately broken a promise to anybody before and it doesn't seem to matter that he's already broken his.

 

'The final death of a dream' says it perfectly. It feels like the death of the past 15 years, the death of a part of my whole identity and the death of a future that might have been. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at the sadness of it all.

 

So it seems I've now given myself a few extra days to get used to the this 'final death'. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not but then I am a 'pull the plaster off slowly' type of person. I can't do it tomorrow because it's my parent's anniversary and I can't do it on Thursday because it's my eldest nephew's 18th - for obvious reasons I don't want this day labelled in any way by other family celebrations. So Friday is the next possible date - if I have the guts to go through with it . I'll keep you posted.

[hopesndreams]

It's what you wanted. Why aren't you celebrating?

[LittleTiger]

Where in my post did you read that it's what I wanted?

 

Filing for divorce was what I needed to do for my own sanity. My husband walked away and kept me hoping for a reconciliation. I filed for divorce, after discussing my options with my therapist, because I needed to regain control of my life.

 

Yes, now I want to move on with my life, but I hadn't realised how painful letting go of the past would be. If you've read all my posts I think I've made it clear that it's the loss of the marriage as a separate entity that is causing the sadness. I had never considered marriage as an option for me until I got together with my husband but, once I made my vows, I fully intended to be bound by them for life.

 

I think what I'm feeling is grief. I see no reason to celebrate the death of anything.

[hopesndreams]

Where in my post did you read that it's what I wanted?

 

Filing for divorce was what I needed to do for my own sanity. My husband walked away and kept me hoping for a reconciliation. I filed for divorce, after discussing my options with my therapist, because I needed to regain control of my life.

 

Yes, now I want to move on with my life, but I hadn't realised how painful letting go of the past would be. If you've read all my posts I think I've made it clear that it's the loss of the marriage as a separate entity that is causing the sadness. I had never considered marriage as an option for me until I got together with my husband but, once I made my vows, I fully intended to be bound by them for life.

 

I think what I'm feeling is grief. I see no reason to celebrate the death of anything.

 

OOOOh, ok...Got you confused with another poster, sorry.

 

My husband walked away and kept me hoping for a reconciliation.

 

You're doing the right thing then. Be proud of yourself.

[LittleTiger]

OOOOh, ok...Got you confused with another poster, sorry.

 

My husband walked away and kept me hoping for a reconciliation.

 

You're doing the right thing then. Be proud of yourself.

 

Thank you hopesndreams.

 

I'm sure I will be proud of myself if I ever find the courage to get this thing finalised.

[Steadfast]

Two days before our divorce became final I got a text from my ex.

 

Her: "Tuesday, the 10th at 2:00pm?"

 

Me: "Yes. Do you know where it is?"

 

Her: "Yes. I got the letter. Remember? I told you"

 

Me. "Alright. Well, obviously, I'll be there".

 

Her: "I know. I'm taking the day off"

 

When the day came, I found the 'court' to simply be a judges office with a horde of people waiting in the hall outside. Some couples, some singles. male and female, equally. You signed in and waited. When your name was called you went into the judges quarters, got sworn in, and answered her questions. When she was done and if there were no problems with the paperwork, she signed the document and poof! You're divorced. When they called, the clerk asked 'Are you ready?" and if not they'd get back to you.

 

Despite all the cheating, the lying, and deserting, I sat waiting; staring at the outside doors. When they asked if I was ready I said no. I had filed but I somehow, someway, hoped she would see that this was it. Our marriage, our life together -through 16 years and two kids, all the ups and downs. The vacations, the love, the laughter. My past, present and future, all ending. I loved her, my wife. She was my heart; the love of my life. I waited, and waited...for over three hours, repeatedly saying no when my name was called. Just after 5:00pm, no one was left in the hall but me.

 

Finally the judge; a very attractive woman in her late 50s, opened the door and softly called my name. Time was up. Resigned to the inevitable, I got out of the chair and walked to the door. Looking me in the eyes she said "I don't think she's coming". I could see her tearing up and when I apologized she reached out and hugged me. "I don't know your history, but I can tell you this; she's making a mistake. Believe me, I see a lot of this".

 

I walked out five minutes later a divorced man.

 

Later that night, my ex showed up at the door. I didn't let her in. "How did it go today?" she asked cheerily. "Congratulations" I said. "you're divorced." She looked like someone just got shot; her mouth hung open and she just stared at me in disbelief. Was she that stupid? I doubt it. Like everything, it was a show, for drama, with me playing a leading role in a part that I never asked for. I closed the door in her face.

 

I found out later she watched TV all day. She watched television while I twisted; the remaining strands of our marriage wrapped around my neck.

 

I have not looked back, but it was hard. Painful. Never again. Ever.

[worlybear]

Hey Little Tiger I really get how you feel. Only had the decree nisi last week and that was bad enough.

I think whether a marriage ends amicably or in acrimony is, to some extent, superfluous- that very special piece of paper contained all your joint wishes and desires and to see it crumble into ashes is not easy to overcome and I think I will react in much the same way when it happens to me.

Guess we've just got to bite the bullet, lick our wounds and keep moving forward.

Hope life gets brighter for you soon:bunny:

[LittleTiger]

Steadfast, that is such a heart rending story and I am so sorry your ex did this to you. Thank you for sharing. However long ago this was, I hope your pain is by now at least starting to heal.

 

When you talked about your ex watching tv all day while you twisted the remaining strands of your marriage around your neck, that really struck a chord. My almost ex is currently away on holiday and I do wonder if that has been playing on my mind today too. He's off relaxing and enjoying himself, no doubt behaving like a footloose, middle-aged, playboy while I'm expected to single handedly throttle what's left of our marriage. He's probably forgotten that today was the day, if he even registered the date when I told him. (Actually 'playboy' is probably a slight exaggeration, but I am letting off steam here!)

 

If I wasn't so sure that I need to keep control of this whole process, for the sake of my sanity, I would insist that he deal with it on his return. Unfortunately, I know from experience that he'll just be too laid back about it and, if I did leave it to him, it might not get done for years.

 

I too have vowed 'never again', but that's just the divorce part. I liked being married and I hope I will do it again someday. Just beware the guy if he so much as dreams of divorcing me - I'll have to kill him first!!!

[LittleTiger]

Thanks for your support Worlybear. Oddly enough I was actually quite pleased when the 'nisi' came through. I felt as though I was back in control of my life and the 'absolute' seemed such a long way off. The past six weeks do seem to have rattled by rather quickly though.

 

I hope you don't react the way I have because I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. Life does go on though and maybe in a week or two I'll be looking back and thinking what a relief that it's all over.

[Cedarman]

Our marriage, our life together -through 16 years and two kids, all the ups and downs. The vacations, the love, the laughter. My past, present and future, all ending. I loved her, my wife. She was my heart; the love of my life.

 

 

That's what keeps me up at night. Thinking about all of the times together and what went wrong that my wife needs to shut me out now. I'm pretty sure my wife hasn't had a physical affair.... yet. But with our problems, and her lifestyle that is where this is heading. I don't know how I would handle it - probably pretty badly.

 

But divorce, hell even separation is final. The main reason I want to try to reconcile is because of the history. Every day I wonder if that's a good reason. I love my wife, but do I really love my wife, or the memory of what my wife and our relationship used to be? I keep wondering whether it's a pipe dream to even think that we could ever get back to something even close to the relationship we once had.

[spriggig]

I think I've made it clear that it's the loss of the marriage as a separate entity that is causing the sadness. I had never considered marriage as an option for me until I got together with my husband but, once I made my vows, I fully intended to be bound by them for life.

 

You may have just described how I feel about my impending divorce.

 

Thank you.

[cavedweller]

There is life after divorce.

[LittleTiger]

I keep wondering whether it's a pipe dream to even think that we could ever get back to something even close to the relationship we once had.

 

Cedarman, I don't know your story, but if you think there is even the slightest chance that you can recover your relationship and make it good again, please keep trying. At least then you will know, should you ever reach the point where I (and so many others here) am now at, you will at least know that you tried everything possible before throwing in the towel. Some people do make it back so don't give up hope until you have to.

 

You may have just described how I feel about my impending divorce.

 

Thank you.

 

You're welcome spriggig. If my confused thoughts are helping someone else then I am glad for that.

 

There is life after divorce

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom cavedweller. I do already know that and I'm sure I'm not the only one going through it who does. My own 'life after divorce' has already started but, unfortunately, that doesn't take away the pain of the process for most of us. If you haven't experienced this, then I hope you never do. If you've already sailed through a divorce happily then, good for you, you're one of the lucky ones - either that, or you're the one who walked away.

[trippi1432]

I'm right there with you Little Tiger, I had to file mine on my WAS. Will be finalizing it all here very soon. Actually filed the separation agreement stating my ex could live his life as if we were never married...and vice-versa.

 

So, to me....there is nothing but a piece of paper that needs to be signed as final, the vows stopped meaning anything a long time ago which is sad when they were taken that lightly to begin with.

 

I will say what ticks me off about my state is that you have to wait a year and a day to file the divorce decree. The spouse then gets 30 days to contest it...and if they do, they can drag it out another 30 days...making it 60 days altogether. In one way, that length of time is good for going through the healing process, but it feels like limbo when you know it is truly over.

 

I think it is harder on people in some states where they have less time to divorce....doesn't give them enough time to get past the anger, shock and denial.

 

At any rate, a sense of loss is normal. There are still days that I miss my rings, miss that sense of being married...but I don't miss him...I can't help but wonder if that is normal.....