Finalising my divorce and shocked by the sense of loss

[Butterflair]

I don't plan to have the ex at the courthouse, I plan to call the lawyer when the time arrives and go by myself to make it final. I think only one person has to do it for the final decree. They can just mail him his copy.

 

@ Trippi - in my state you have to be separated for one year and a day too but I dont think there is a 30 day contested period. I hate this waiting period. The separation is the actual document that counts, the property settlement has already been done. Are you in NC too?

Edited July 23, 2010 by Butterflair

[trippi1432]

Hi Butterflair - yes, I am in NC too....my lawyer told me today that there is a 30 day period that I have to wait to see if he contests it, then if he does, another 30 day waiting period. I hate this dragging it out....feels like he has drug it out long enough on his side really.

 

I was also informed that neither of us had to show for the signing....we would get the papers in the mail or something. The "business" of divorce....I just hope I get my retainer back....sigh.

[LittleTiger]

There are still days that I miss my rings, miss that sense of being married...but I don't miss him...I can't help but wonder if that is normal.....

 

That's it in a nutshell trippi. I miss being 'married'!

 

Strange really considering I spent most of my twenties avoiding marriage. Now that I'm married I seem to be avoiding being single.

 

I miss my ring too, though I hadn't thought about that until now. It was a specially made single diamond set wedding ring and I loved it. (Never had an engagement ring cos we never got engaged). Now I keep it in a drawer - very sad.

 

I still haven't finalised the divorce. I've decided to post the papers and save myself the trauma of another visit to court. It also makes it more of a non-event, which is really what I want it to be.

 

Who am I kidding?!!! If it was a non-event I wouldn't have started this thread would I?

 

Anyway, I'll be single by the end of next week - unless the damn thing gets lost in the post .

[LittleTiger]

Just thought I'd post an update that I finally did it!

 

On Tuesday I posted off the application for my divorce to be made absolute.

 

On Wednesday (yesterday) the divorce was finalised. Sad but necessary.

 

So it's finally over and I'm at peace with that now.

 

Time to move on.

[tojaz]

That's it in a nutshell trippi. I miss being 'married'!

 

Strange really considering I spent most of my twenties avoiding marriage. Now that I'm married I seem to be avoiding being single.

 

I miss my ring too, though I hadn't thought about that until now. It was a specially made single diamond set wedding ring and I loved it. (Never had an engagement ring cos we never got engaged). Now I keep it in a drawer - very sad.

 

I still haven't finalised the divorce. I've decided to post the papers and save myself the trauma of another visit to court. It also makes it more of a non-event, which is really what I want it to be.

 

Who am I kidding?!!! If it was a non-event I wouldn't have started this thread would I?

 

Anyway, I'll be single by the end of next week - unless the damn thing gets lost in the post .

 

Its a hard thing to cope with Lil Tiger. You get used to having that connection with someone, even if it didn't work. In about a week I will have been officially been divorced for a year, and I still miss it. Heck, some days its still like it just happened so the fact that you've been putting it off for awhile really doesn't matter.

 

I'll even say i miss my ring too. Still have days I feel naked going out without it..

 

Just thought I'd post an update that I finally did it!

 

On Tuesday I posted off the application for my divorce to be made absolute.

 

On Wednesday (yesterday) the divorce was finalised. Sad but necessary.

 

So it's finally over and I'm at peace with that now.

 

Time to move on.

 

Glad you went through with it Lil Tiger, if for no other reason then to give you some peace in your heart. I won't say congrats for the D, but congratulations for the new life thats waiting for you.

 

TOJAZ

[You Go Girl]

Good for you, lil tiger.

Yeah, all my responses here will be rather limited, but I couldn't resist responding to your post. You know why.

A divorce is an ending, but an acknowledgement that something didn't work, and the RIGHT path is to end it. That you are on the RIGHT path is what is important.

Mine will be done in a month approx.

Never would I want a marriage in which I couldn't give 100% for whatever reason--and couldn't bring to the person I was married to less than pure happiness. I could do neither of those. I acknowledge my part in the inability to make this happen. Making someone else happy--as much as being happy oneself--this is key.

So just remember--a divorce sets two people free. Everyone on here should remember that, whether they chose to end it or not. Something was out of alignment or puzzle pieces didn't fit. To fix that is not a failure--it is an opportunity for growth and understanding. Each relationship we have in our lives teaches us lessons. We learn about ourselves and others. We understand our wants and needs better, and we acknowledge that others wants and needs may be different, and that doesn't make their wants and needs wrong because they are different, just that they don't fit with ours.

You'll be married again Tiger when the man is right--and oh so much wiser! You know this--I know you do, because I see it in your posts. You understand yourself.

So congrats is in order--for putting something right that needed righting.

[trippi1432]

That's it in a nutshell trippi. I miss being 'married'!

 

Strange really considering I spent most of my twenties avoiding marriage. Now that I'm married I seem to be avoiding being single.

 

I miss my ring too, though I hadn't thought about that until now. It was a specially made single diamond set wedding ring and I loved it. (Never had an engagement ring cos we never got engaged). Now I keep it in a drawer - very sad.

 

Hate that I brought that up now...the ring....but it's true. I think that I missed it more when this first happened almost a year ago. Today it's not as much....just fleeting moments here and there.

 

At least you still have yours LT, my first ex didn't even bother with any rings for either of us....so I never had an engagement or wedding ring. That should have been a clue - but I was young and in love and just didn't care about those things.

 

This ex - sold our rings for a mere $45 so he could use the money on the slot machines. At least I knew what he valued more than me.

 

Just thought I'd post an update that I finally did it!

 

On Tuesday I posted off the application for my divorce to be made absolute.

 

On Wednesday (yesterday) the divorce was finalised. Sad but necessary.

 

So it's finally over and I'm at peace with that now.

 

Time to move on.

 

Good for you LT - I can understand, sad but necessary. No sense dragging out the inevitable, this is why I am paying for and filing mine. He left, but he would have never paid for the divorce - would interfere with his "play money".

 

At any rate - better than living in limbo so don't ever feel bad for filing the D, remember you are worth more than 10 of him so leave him in the dust and live your life!!

 

Its a hard thing to cope with Lil Tiger. You get used to having that connection with someone, even if it didn't work. In about a week I will have been officially been divorced for a year, and I still miss it. Heck, some days its still like it just happened so the fact that you've been putting it off for awhile really doesn't matter.

 

I'll even say i miss my ring too. Still have days I feel naked going out without it..

 

Hi Tojaz - It's that sense of being married, that companionship - even if it was a good or a bad marriage. I think we all go through that, just may have never named it.

 

Those markers are H*ll aren't they - you can't help but think about them sometimes. July marks a year for me that my ex left the first time - ick and came back....pretty much marks the demise of the marriage. It's also my birthday month - but I got through it. Making better memories today than those that were there for many years.

 

 

Glad you went through with it Lil Tiger, if for no other reason then to give you some peace in your heart. I won't say congrats for the D, but congratulations for the new life thats waiting for you. TOJAZ

 

Have to agree here LT - Peace in your heart and don't look back, look forward and enjoy life.

 

Never would I want a marriage in which I couldn't give 100% for whatever reason--and couldn't bring to the person I was married to less than pure happiness. I could do neither of those. I acknowledge my part in the inability to make this happen. Making someone else happy--as much as being happy oneself--this is key.

 

So just remember--a divorce sets two people free. Everyone on here should remember that, whether they chose to end it or not. Something was out of alignment or puzzle pieces didn't fit. To fix that is not a failure--it is an opportunity for growth and understanding. Each relationship we have in our lives teaches us lessons. We learn about ourselves and others. We understand our wants and needs better, and we acknowledge that others wants and needs may be different, and that doesn't make their wants and needs wrong because they are different, just that they don't fit with ours.

 

YGG - very good advice - I think that sums it very well and couldn't agree more.

[LittleTiger]

Tojaz, YGG and Trippi - I just wanted to say thank you all for your support and your thoughtful words (and YGG it's good to see you back).

 

I haven't replied earlier because I took a little break from LS after my last post on this thread and went on holiday. I had a wonderful time and managed to escape from reality for a while.

 

Now I'm back and determined to put the past behind me. While I was away my ex took all his stuff from the house and now I'm going to redecorate the bedroom and get new towels for the bathroom to make 'our' house my own.

 

I know it won't be easy but life does go on. I won't deny that what my ex did still hurts - a lot. I guess it will for a long while judging by most threads on here. I'm one of the lucky ones really though because, although I lost my husband, I still have my home, my cats and my business. I also have my family and my friends and even a very special new man who adores me - despite my frequent periods of emotional turmoil. It's a bit early to be thinking about marriage but, yes YGG, I will get married again one day - so watch this space!

[Gfkr2]

Two days before our divorce became final I got a text from my ex.

 

Her: "Tuesday, the 10th at 2:00pm?"

 

Me: "Yes. Do you know where it is?"

 

Her: "Yes. I got the letter. Remember? I told you"

 

Me. "Alright. Well, obviously, I'll be there".

 

Her: "I know. I'm taking the day off"

 

When the day came, I found the 'court' to simply be a judges office with a horde of people waiting in the hall outside. Some couples, some singles. male and female, equally. You signed in and waited. When your name was called you went into the judges quarters, got sworn in, and answered her questions. When she was done and if there were no problems with the paperwork, she signed the document and poof! You're divorced. When they called, the clerk asked 'Are you ready?" and if not they'd get back to you.

 

Despite all the cheating, the lying, and deserting, I sat waiting; staring at the outside doors. When they asked if I was ready I said no. I had filed but I somehow, someway, hoped she would see that this was it. Our marriage, our life together -through 16 years and two kids, all the ups and downs. The vacations, the love, the laughter. My past, present and future, all ending. I loved her, my wife. She was my heart; the love of my life. I waited, and waited...for over three hours, repeatedly saying no when my name was called. Just after 5:00pm, no one was left in the hall but me.

 

Finally the judge; a very attractive woman in her late 50s, opened the door and softly called my name. Time was up. Resigned to the inevitable, I got out of the chair and walked to the door. Looking me in the eyes she said "I don't think she's coming". I could see her tearing up and when I apologized she reached out and hugged me. "I don't know your history, but I can tell you this; she's making a mistake. Believe me, I see a lot of this".

 

I walked out five minutes later a divorced man.

 

Later that night, my ex showed up at the door. I didn't let her in. "How did it go today?" she asked cheerily. "Congratulations" I said. "you're divorced." She looked like someone just got shot; her mouth hung open and she just stared at me in disbelief. Was she that stupid? I doubt it. Like everything, it was a show, for drama, with me playing a leading role in a part that I never asked for. I closed the door in her face.

 

I found out later she watched TV all day. She watched television while I twisted; the remaining strands of our marriage wrapped around my neck.

 

I have not looked back, but it was hard. Painful. Never again. Ever.

 

Thanks, Steadfast for your post. It hurts to read of your sad journey...especially for one just starting a divorce after a very long term M.

 

I wish you well.

[You Go Girl]

Tojaz, YGG and Trippi - I just wanted to say thank you all for your support and your thoughtful words (and YGG it's good to see you back).

 

I haven't replied earlier because I took a little break from LS after my last post on this thread and went on holiday. I had a wonderful time and managed to escape from reality for a while.

 

Now I'm back and determined to put the past behind me. While I was away my ex took all his stuff from the house and now I'm going to redecorate the bedroom and get new towels for the bathroom to make 'our' house my own.

 

I know it won't be easy but life does go on. I won't deny that what my ex did still hurts - a lot. I guess it will for a long while judging by most threads on here. I'm one of the lucky ones really though because, although I lost my husband, I still have my home, my cats and my business. I also have my family and my friends and even a very special new man who adores me - despite my frequent periods of emotional turmoil. It's a bit early to be thinking about marriage but, yes YGG, I will get married again one day - so watch this space!

 

I was wondering where you ran off to!

 

On redecorating: wherever there are triggers. That goes for clothing you own too, and possibly jewelry, not sure about that yet, myself.

 

Grateful for those in your life--absolutely!

 

Emotional turmoil--you and I are probably in similar states, although you are farther along. The people I have loved in my lifetime I will love always. Even the ones who have betrayed or abandoned me. I think it says something good about me actually--that my love was sincere.

 

Marriage again for me? Geesh...I dunno..........!!!!!!! That's a question that my mind can't handle at all...yet anyway.

I think you'll get there far faster than me!

Then it will be a new handle on LS, "Taken_Little_Tiger" watch her roar!