What motivates an obese woman to lose weight ?

[fit]

Just wondering. Apparently I dont have this figured out yet. My wife was semi fit at one point but now shes about 50 lbs overweight and has made some attempts to lose weight via exercise and occasional diet change but at the end of the day she just cant stick with it.

 

I love her and still find her attractive and our sex life is decent but I know it really bothers her.

We have 2 kids but she has plenty of time to work out if she were to choose to do that. So whats her motivation ? I still do find her attractive, we have sex, all of her friends and family are overweight (way more than her) so theres certainly no peer pressure. If anything when she has gotten into working out a lot they view it as "obsessive". I myself am in pretty good shape but apparently thats not enough.

 

She constatnly makes disparaging comments about her giant butt, how she cant fit into this or that and is very uncomfortable going to a situation where she may have to show her body. (unless shes with someone heavier than her) This I will say gets to me. Because whenever I hear it I just want to yell at her...."stop whining and do something about it"...but we all know how sensitive a topic weight is for woman and any even slight reference to it from your partner can be devastating(been there).

 

She is in awe of all these women who lose weight but somehow always dismisses them as "having personal trainers and chefs"

She doesnt believe it can be done.

 

So what do you think would motivate her ? If your overweight what would motivate you to get off your ass and make a change ?

[BellaBellaBella]

I am a BBW. A big beautiful woman. What motivates me to lose weigh is a supportive partner. My partner rubs lotion all over my body and tells me how much he loves me. My partner says lets go for a walk and we do, increasing the length everynight. My partner asked for healthier food and I accomdated him. We have two kids as well.

 

Maybe you could offer to go down on her for every pound she loses....LOL

 

Bottom line a supportive partner who told me he has concerns for my health and offered me his support is what helped me become healther.

I am still a BBW and he enjoys my lucious body.

[norajane]

I posted this in your other thread...

 

Why don't you turn this into an opportunity to bond with your wife, and spend some fun time together?

 

What do you do to stay in shape? Bike ride? Swim? Walk? Invite your wife to join you in some fun activities - it can be part of your couple time together, as well as an opportunity to get in shape and stay in shape.

 

Also, maybe you can get into cooking together (and take over some of the grocery shopping), so you can both learn how to prepare tasty and healthy meals (in addition to making sure healthy snacks and foods are available in the house).

 

My parents are in their 60's and they now cook together and work out together. It's so funny to see my dad all interested in learning how to grill fish and marinade chicken.

 

They grocery shop together, and they have some equipment they've set up in a workout room in the basement. Also, they're that cute little older couple you see going for walks together every day in the neighborhood.

 

Basically, make this a team project instead of a source of irritation. It's more fun that way, and more likely your wife will stick with it with you as her champion by her side.

 

She can't stick with it because it's hard to eat only small portions of healthy food, and it's hard to go work-out in a gym by yourself all bored to death. Especially when the results are slow in coming. You can do a lot to help her if you look at this as an opportunity to grow closer rather than a failing on her part.

Edited July 19, 2010 by norajane

[Feelin Frisky]

What motivates can fade and a person can recriminate themselves for blowing it and make things worse. It's really a life style change. She has to learn to eat without pleasure entering into the question. This may mean the tough duty of cooking for the family and cooking separtely for herself. But after a person stops giving in to momentary pleasure eating and lives for a while in functional and regimented nutrition consumption, her internal pleasure-seeking beast will recede and go to sleep, she will receive motivating feed back in the form of weight loss, fitting into clothes, getting compliments and feeling sexy and sleek.

 

The worst question one can ask is "hmmmm, what do I feel like having?" If one lives in that world of impulse pleasure eating, he or she will more than likely have some kind of weight probelm unless they have an industrial garbage disposal unit of a metabolism or drinks laxatives after every meal. The entire pleasure foods industry exploits the impulsivety of people and works hard to addict you to ther products just like big tobacco does. It's documented in former FDA chief, David Kessler's book, The End of Over-eating.

[Belle Vie]

I agree with what others have said about making this a family event, rather than an individual chore. Does the family as a whole eat well, or is there a lot of junk in the house? Because there is nothing more unmotivating than to watch your entire family chow down on a pizza or burgers or spaghetti while you're supposed to be "dieting."

 

I think if you decided to make a healthier meal, with a family walk or Frisbee game after dinner, and present it more as a lifestyle change for your whole family rather than just for her, she'd definitely be motivated to join in. Take everyone to shop for fruits and vegetables at the local farmers' market, and then have everyone join in on making a great big salad and a whole wheat crust pizza. Make it fun for everyone.

 

(On the other hand, if the family is eating healthy foods, and she's bingeing on unhealthy foods on the side, that's another problem altogether.)

[fit]

(On the other hand, if the family is eating healthy foods, and she's bingeing on unhealthy foods on the side, that's another problem altogether.)

 

I eat healthy, our kids eat relatively healthy. Her issue is snacking and eating too much during the day. She will have 3 meals but large portions. I told her she has to eat 3 small meals with 3 snacks but she doesn't stick with it. We do exercise together when I can coax her into it on my cardio days but I like to also lift heavy and she hates the weights.

[BellaBellaBella]

See to me telling her what she has to eat is an issue. How about a sit down talk and then a plan where she takes the lead. It is so easy as a stahm to over eat. Perhaps something where she has an online support group would help. Why can't u do some cardio everyday, just to support and motivate her? I can understand her not liking heavy weighs.

 

Food addict is the hardest in that it is the only addiction you can't just quit. Overeaters anonymous has some online groups.

[bentnotbroken]

I like zumba or kick boxing classes. Zumba is like dancing and kick boxing makes me feel like I can take care of myself. I hope you can help her(it isn't your job to find her motivation, though you love her)find what she needs to get fit and stick with it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is hard to motivate yourself to leave behind a lifestyle where you eat whatever you like, don't have to exercise, and people don't really give you any crap for it and seem to accept you like you are.

 

That causes complacency. Even with the clothes not fitting and griping about it, she still doesn't see a point to fixing the problem. That would mean giving up the lifestyle she likes: eating and being sedentary. She has to find a way to break out of that complacency. I'm not saying to give her any crap about it, but something has to shake her out of this comfort zone she is in. She has to want to do it. Otherwise she will be like that frog in the pot and before you know it she is complacent with ten more pounds, then twenty - and the next thing you know she is 75+ pounds overweight.

 

At this point, she sees more cons to exercising and eating right than she does pros. I'm not sure what will shift it but something needs to give before she is at the point of no return.

[norajane]

I eat healthy, our kids eat relatively healthy. Her issue is snacking and eating too much during the day. She will have 3 meals but large portions. I told her she has to eat 3 small meals with 3 snacks but she doesn't stick with it. We do exercise together when I can coax her into it on my cardio days but I like to also lift heavy and she hates the weights.

 

Is all this cardio and weights happening at the gym? Can you think of more fun activities to enjoy with her, and maybe the kids? Can you get OUT of the gym and do something? It's summer, after all.

 

For someone who is overweight, the gym is a miserable place, for many, many reasons. Finding an activity she enjoys - and where you aren't so...regimented about it...might be more motivating to do it regularly.

[Belle Vie]

Is all this cardio and weights happening at the gym? Can you think of more fun activities to enjoy with her, and maybe the kids? Can you get OUT of the gym and do something? It's summer, after all.

 

For someone who is overweight, the gym is a miserable place, for many, many reasons. Finding an activity she enjoys - and where you aren't so...regimented about it...might be more motivating to do it regularly.

 

Could not agree more. You've already established that she HATES the gym. Why would she be motivated to go there? Not everyone who exercises is going to want to do so in the gym.

 

So, again try things that she might actually ENJOY--jogging or hiking OUTSIDE, ballroom dancing, yoga, Pilates, biking, rollerblading. If there's a national park or trail near you, go there to walk, run, or bike. (We have a miles-long trail near us, and we like to bike to nearby towns on the trail and stop for lunch--anywhere from 20 to 60 miles round trip, depending on our energy and mood.)

 

Think about what you think she might like to do, and do it with her as something fun, not necessarily as something to "get her to lose weight." She might not be rebelling against exercise as much as she's rebelling against going to the gym, which can be a pretty miserable place for a lot of people.

[GrayClouds]

The same thing that motivates anyone, if it is more joyful doing it then it not doing it. Help her make it joyful.

Edited July 20, 2010 by GrayClouds

[donnamaybe]

If she needs support outside of the family, have her try sparkpeople.com. It's free and has everything she needs to motivate and support her. There are menu plans, recipes, interaction with other members, exercises, etc. It might help, and it sure can't hurt.

[puzzled44]

I know what worked for my wife. She got an email from a "friend" that said he was available now. She immediately went to work and lost over 80 pounds.

 

Unfortunately for her it took her too long to lose the weight, and after she lost it he told her he was marrying someone else, so she gained the 80 pounds back quickly.

[bentnotbroken]

I know what worked for my wife. She got an email from a "friend" that said he was available now. She immediately went to work and lost over 80 pounds.

 

Unfortunately for her it took her too long to lose the weight, and after she lost it he told her he was marrying someone else, so she gained the 80 pounds back quickly.

 

 

:eek::eek:DAMN!!!:eek:

[GrayClouds]

I know what worked for my wife. She got an email from a "friend" that said he was available now. She immediately went to work and lost over 80 pounds.

 

Unfortunately for her it took her too long to lose the weight, and after she lost it he told her he was marrying someone else, so she gained the 80 pounds back quickly.

 

I suggest you go through her high school year book, find a stud, fake an email and start the whole process again

[Enema]

I'd be blunt about it.

 

We always hear the, "Well just encourage her to workout with you".

 

Or, "Bribe her with something for every pound she loses".

 

Those half measures (often given by BFW themselves) rarely work. They need to know there are real consequences for letting themselves go - like potentially losing a loved one.

 

People, despite what they may say, are usuaully aware and sensitive about how other people perceive them. If they are made painfully aware that they're slipped into undesirability it could be all that's needed.

[Lauriebell82]

You said that she has tried before but can never stick with it..I think she is frustrated with that. I have struggled with my weight for the past 12 years and I have to say that I have been able to lose weight, however I have never been able to maintain it. The past few years have been better, I have fluctuated between like 10 pounds or so. Mostly because my fiance does not want me to be overweight and unhealthy. He wants me to look good and be healthy and that keeps me motivated.

 

Anyway, my motivation for losing weight (like REALLY losing weight) was after I broke up with my ex boyfriend. He enabled me, said he loved me and didn't care what I looked like no matter what...similar to how you feel.

 

While it is a positive thing that you love her unconditionally, she doesn't really have that much motivation to lose weight unfortunately. You don't care what she looks like so she doesn't really have any kind of incentive to lose weight right now. I think the problem is you. You need to encourage her to lose weight and be supportive of her exercise. I'm not saing you need to tell her she is real fat or that you aren't attracted to her, but I think you need to encourage her to lead a healthier lifestyle. Maybe if she realizes that you are concerned and want her to be healthier she will get that push she needs.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I'd be blunt about it.

 

We always hear the, "Well just encourage her to workout with you".

 

Or, "Bribe her with something for every pound she loses".

 

Those half measures (often given by BFW themselves) rarely work. They need to know there are real consequences for letting themselves go - like potentially losing a loved one.

 

People, despite what they may say, are usuaully aware and sensitive about how other people perceive them. If they are made painfully aware that they're slipped into undesirability it could be all that's needed.

 

I disagree with this if my partner simply gave me a flat out ultimatum lose the weight or im gone ide say OK then its been fun see you later! why? Because as a partner there suppose to be there to support me thu difficult times.

 

Relationships need to be a give and take like that threatening some one to dump them if they don't lose the weight can never work. They have to want to lose the weight for themselves 1st.

 

If they truly cant and the guy cant except her as she is then they need to make the hard decision together but it shouldn't be used as a threat IMO anyways..

 

If she really has tried and can't op you need to now start thinking about wither or not you can truly except her as she is no amount of you trying to make it happen or encouraging her is going to accomplish anything unless shes willing/able at the end of the day.

[Belle Vie]

I'd be blunt about it.

 

We always hear the, "Well just encourage her to workout with you".

 

Or, "Bribe her with something for every pound she loses".

 

Those half measures (often given by BFW themselves) rarely work. They need to know there are real consequences for letting themselves go - like potentially losing a loved one.

 

People, despite what they may say, are usuaully aware and sensitive about how other people perceive them. If they are made painfully aware that they're slipped into undesirability it could be all that's needed.

 

Not sure how this would work with your wife, but if you took this approach with me, I'd go out and buy the biggest full-sized cake I could find and eat it with a tablespoon while you watched. I might even add a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream for effect. Just sayin'.

[puzzled44]

Suggest that she get a gastric band. Some insurance will pay for it, if not she can go to Tijuana and get it for around $5K. This will force her to eat less and hopefully lose weight.

[SummerLady]

What motivates can fade and a person can recriminate themselves for blowing it and make things worse. It's really a life style change. She has to learn to eat without pleasure entering into the question. This may mean the tough duty of cooking for the family and cooking separtely for herself. But after a person stops giving in to momentary pleasure eating and lives for a while in functional and regimented nutrition consumption, her internal pleasure-seeking beast will recede and go to sleep, she will receive motivating feed back in the form of weight loss, fitting into clothes, getting compliments and feeling sexy and sleek.

 

The worst question one can ask is "hmmmm, what do I feel like having?" If one lives in that world of impulse pleasure eating, he or she will more than likely have some kind of weight probelm unless they have an industrial garbage disposal unit of a metabolism or drinks laxatives after every meal. The entire pleasure foods industry exploits the impulsivety of people and works hard to addict you to ther products just like big tobacco does. It's documented in former FDA chief, David Kessler's book, The End of Over-eating.

 

This post to me is excellent. It talks to me. Intellectually it makes all the sense in the world and is 100% correct. When I made fit food choices and did not rely on food to make me feel better it was easy. BUT it did take time, as Feeling Frisky states it is a Lifestyle Change, plain and simple. Since I have an eating disorder going off script is deadly, in either direction. I can get too thin, I have never been per say overweight but have been at a weight that is uncomfy for me a long long time ago and those memories are bad. Thanks for this post, it truly breaks down a simple, smart perspective. Makes sense. I am def getting that book...

[spriggig]

Fit, this is for you, read the whole page:

 

http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/

 

I have a feeling it is a perfect match for you and with it you can help both yourself and your wife.

[Calendula]

So what do you think would motivate her ? If you were overweight what would motivate you to get off your ass and make a change ?

 

I haven't read the other responses as I wanted to give my unbiased response:

 

In the past year I've lost 30 lbs which I had carried for at least two years previously. I can still stand to lose 10-15 more lbs, but I consider it a work in progress, one step/meal/exercise at a time, and I'm happy where I am.

 

I had been unhappy with myself for the entire length of time I had been overweight, and on and off I kind of tried to do things about it. Nothing ever really seemed to stick, though. I even paid for a 6 month gym membership but then only went for 2-3 months before I was just 'too busy.' I tried going to Weight Watchers meetings - that lasted for about 3 months too. No success, whatever I tried. And then it clicked for me. I had been working up towards changing, but all the pieces had to come together before change could actually happen. These were/are my pieces:

 

- I had to fully accept who I was and what I looked like in the mirror, including my feelings about it. What was important wasn't how I FELT about it, but how I WAS and what I could DO about it. One thing that helped me to accept how I was, was going clothing shopping. Sure, it sucked admitting that I was a size larger than I was last year, but I found clothes that actually FIT me and looked good on me like I was. I also got rid of many of my old clothes that were too tight/small so I could feel comfortable in my skin again. I had to accept that I was OK as I was, in order to acknowledge that I could do better.

 

- I had to find a form of exercise that I could enjoy, that I would WANT to do because it was fun or which could be smoothly incorporated into my daily routine. For me that turned out to be Zumba classes because I've always enjoyed dancing, and Yoga because it is relaxing. Walking my dogs on a regular basis also contributes to my exercise total. What kept me in shape before I gained the weight was riding a bike to and from school/ work - I had to commute anyway, so why not exercise at the same time?

 

- I had to become more aware of my food choices. Over time I've been able to gradually change my diet to healthier, less starchy foods. It has helped that I've always eaten fairly well, I already avoided high fructose corn syrup and candy, and I enjoy cooking, but it still takes effort and conscious decisions. Gradual changes, starting with little things, really are the ones that stick the best.

 

- I had to find a way to focus on SMALL positive changes and accomplishments rather than letting myself get depressed that I hadn't yet reached my final goal. One step at a time, one choice at a time, focus on the present and the positive. This is definately something another person could help with - reinforcing that focus on small, positive improvements.

 

So I guess for me it all slims down to a few key things that many would probably agree with: acceptance of reality, exercise that fit me, dietary changes that were sustainable, and focusing on small, gradual, positive steps. And, of course, I had to want to change badly enough FOR ME to actually do something about it.

[jamesum]

Having a bit of extra pounds can be sexy, but there is nothing beautiful about being fat.

 

I dont understand why people are being dishonest with themselves.