What motivates an obese woman to lose weight ?

[Calendula]

I found it curious that in your OP you asked what would motivate your wife to change, rather than what you could do to help motivate her. If you think about it, one of the strongest, most influential factors she has in her life to motivate her to change, is YOU. You might not even be aware of it, but there could be things that you are or are not doing that reinforce the negative direction your wife's health has taken. You can't change her, but you CAN change YOU.

 

The question therefore becomes: "What can I do to help motivate my wife to change and lose weight? What actions can I either pursue or avoid to reinforce and encourage positive improvements in my wife's weight and overall health?"

 

My answer to this set of questions is as follows:

 

- Do things together (just you and her, or the whole family) that you all can enjoy but which also count as exercise. This could be as simple as walking together around your neighborbood, in the woods, or in a downtown area (window shopping). Do it at least once a week if not more. You'll be spending time together and it counts as 'unofficial' exercise.

 

- Start taking ballroom dancing classes together. Most ballroom danding places will let kids dance too, or at least let them sit and watch their parents.

 

- Find a good local karate studio and enroll the whole family. Most forms of karate incorporate discipline, flexibility, and physical control, and the drills necessary to teach your body the different moves are more exercise than you might initially think.

 

- Spend some time as a family at the local swimming pool and check for any swimming related exercise classes. Your wife might feel awkward in a swimsuit at first, but it should only take a few other overweight people in swimsuits to remind her that she isn't alone.

 

- Encourage your wife to check out locally offered exercise classes at universities, community centers, and dance studios (you might do some calling around of your own just to guide her in a good direction). Go with her to visit and observe the classes if she seems hesitant to test the waters. Perhaps you or one of your children could enroll with her to give her an extra reason to go on a regular basis. Not only do such classes count as exercise, they may also help her meet other people in a similar position who could provide her with external (not family) positive reinforcement and a more extended social network. If she does enroll for a class, help make sure that she has no excuse not to go by taking care of the kids or household chores (generally providing indirect support).

 

Take her shopping for new clothes and volunteer to help her go through her old clothes and figure out what to get rid of. If you can't handle the clothes thing, talk her closest friend into doing it with her. Tell her honestly what you think about her different outfits (especially if she gets new ones), which look good on her and which don't anymore. She might not like to hear it at first, but she'll appreciate the honesty. Don't give her empty compliments, but also don't be overly critical. The goal for you would be to help her feel good about herself as she is, and help her again believe that she can get what she wants out of life (in this case losing the weight). Feeling good is empowering and helps you feel like anything is possible.

 

Make sure you two have open communication within your relationship. IF f your wife is insecure about her weight, she may be insecure about other things in her life, including her relationship with you. The more you talk, the closer you'll both feel and the more likely she'll feel like you really do believe in her and support her. You might also want to talk to her about the criticism she has gotten from family about 'overexercising' and about how she feels in general regarding her family's health. She might not be comfortable talking about her own weight quite yet, but she could probably talk about the weight of other family members.

 

Try and be proactive about food and exercise related to your whole family, not just your wife. Go to the grocery store with her and discuss what you buy instead of just getting what you always get. Change things up on a regular basis and encourage trying things which are 'new' to your fridge. Be the one to suggest or plan an outing or activity. Look up local exercise groups and seek out more non-traditional exercise opportunities. Do the legwork and provide her with information and opportunities (subtly - like first enrolling your kids in something like karate). Take action and initiative to change what you do and how it relates to your family. Before you know it, you might all have a newer, healthier lifestyle.

 

Above all, be supportive (both directly and indirectly, with both your words and actions), subtle in your suggestions and encouragement, and PATIENT. Lasting change takes time, and just as it took time for your wife to become the way she is, so will it take time for her to change and become a new person.

[LittleTiger]

OK, lets go back to the beginning here.

 

Does your wife actually want to lose weight?

 

By that I mean does she want to lose weight for her? If so, why? Because that's where the motivation is.

 

Or is this attempt to lose weight because you want her to lose weight or even because she thinks it would do her good?

 

The thing is that obesity is caused by psychological problems. The weight, overeating etc are just symptoms of the actual problem. If you want to help your wife to lose weight, get her into therapy, preferably a solution focused one, such as NLP.

 

You might manage to help her get the weight off with diet and excercise but until she addresses what's really going on deep inside her head, it will all just go back on again in no time.

 

Ask her what it is she really wants.

What's in it for her when she gets what she wants?

What's important about that to her?

What will be different about her life?

What if she never gets what she wants? How painful would that be?

Are there any negatives for her to being slimmer/fitter/healthier (you'd be surprised!)

What triggered her overeating that caused the obesity?

 

The more she understands about what's going on in her head that's making her behave in this self destructive way, the more likely she is to become motivated to change it.

 

Just a word of caution here. If there's something traumatic that she doesn't want to face up to she may refuse therapy - and that's her choice. You can't make anybody do anything they're not ready to do.

[SarahRose]

OP I imagine there are many things you have wanted to do but couldn't do it or stick to it. Why couldn't you stick to those things?

[Aedra]

Only thing that ever motivated me was vanity...seeing people from highschool turn into amazing hotties with slim bodies and flawless complexions. I'm like 'wow they look like this now and I'm this fat unattractive piece of lard' and I went out and dropped all the extra weight. Whether that's a good or bad way I don't know but at least I don't have back problems anymore and can wear clothes without needing to find things to my body.

[FitChick]

How about taking ballroom dancing lessons together. Pick something sexy like the tango or romantic like the waltz or fun like jive. Then start taking her out dancing. She'll want to buy some new clothes for those evenings out and might be motivated to stop eating so much.

[Feelin Frisky]

This post to me is excellent. It talks to me. Intellectually it makes all the sense in the world and is 100% correct. When I made fit food choices and did not rely on food to make me feel better it was easy. BUT it did take time, as Feeling Frisky states it is a Lifestyle Change, plain and simple. Since I have an eating disorder going off script is deadly, in either direction. I can get too thin, I have never been per say overweight but have been at a weight that is uncomfy for me a long long time ago and those memories are bad. Thanks for this post, it truly breaks down a simple, smart perspective. Makes sense. I am def getting that book...

 

Yippie!!! A validation. I love it. Thanks.

 

I can see that this lady comes from a culture of pleasure eaters and what she does must be somehow validated by her relatives. The idea of her "hating the gym" is a sign of orientation to wide swings of pleasure versus hatred. She probably eats what she feels like and says that she "hates the gym" because it's not something she likes to do. Well, tough tooties. The reason one hates the gym is because he or she is deffensiive about staying the way they are and being in denial that hapiness has to be struggled for, not ripped out of a bag of pretzels or a box of Russel Stover.

 

What a person needs is to be led to believe that everything doesn't have to be accomplished in one day but surprisingly, change can start to be sustained after only putting as little as three days together of investment in health by abstinence from pleasure eating and commitment to and execution of a planned diet. The only argument at work is long term pleasure of achivement versus short term succumbing to pleasure impulses. Once as little as three days are put together one can start to feel and believe that living differently is possible. I wouldn't urge anyone to start with running out to a gym. Do so after the first 5 to 10 pounds are off your frame and the wind of self transformation is in your sails. Just walk a mile. Step it up to two or three miles a day. Then after a while, try to see the gym as the next positive step. Having a partner that appreciates the adding up of small steps is key too. She should get a lot of atta-girls and hugs and then maybe some gifts on new garb to show off her new ID. The propensity to fall backward is engrained deeply, so sustaining transformation has to be anew life style commitment. t is so worth it when one's popularity feeds back that achievement has been reached.

[Art_Critic]

How long has it been since the baby was born ?

 

Maybe she is having some problems with postpartum depression?

 

You mentioned 50 lbs as being obese..

Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater.. are you sure she is obese ?

 

Motivation has to come from within but can be torn down and removed by our loved ones.... if she feels you don't love her she will not have the motivation to remove the weight..

If she feels that you think she is fat and she disgusts you then she will not have the motivation..

 

YOU can help her with the motivation.. after all she did have 2 children for you... it's the least you can do..

[quankanne]

what motivated me to finally get off my butt and do something proactive? The death of my parents, who were hard-core diabetics and the knowledge that trying to control my own diabetes with two different kinds of insulin wasn't doing the trick, and that there was nothing else left.

 

thankfully, my insurance paid for a gastric band, and my sister and I had our surgeries six months apart, with some fantastic support from our husbands. I've dropped several dress sizes, and it's a continual learning experience in knowing what I can "safely" eat (not just giving up the crap that's bad for you, but figuring out what works for my particular palate, because even the good stuff can sometimes backfire on you because your whole "stomach environment" has changed).

 

yeah, the weight loss is nice, and I'm wearing smaller clothes ... BUT, I've dropped one insulin from my regimen and the doctor has knocked my 24-hour insulin dosage down by 12 units. Doesn't sound like a lot, but I can feel the change in my body because of it, and it's been nothing short of a miracle.

 

so until your wife decides to make the change, be quietly supportive of her desire to lose weight – she'll know when the moment is right. Otherwise, you're fighting an uphill battle in trying to convince her she needs to get healthy.

 

one thing I appreciate about my husband was that he never, ever nagged me about being heavy – and I was pretty generously curvy when we met. I think because he knew how hard it was to kick an addiction (him nicotine, me food), he made it a point to let ME raise the concern, rather than ride, nag or belittle me about the excess weight. And it's made all the difference.