Why am I still haunted by my wife's ancient affair?

[nvntr007]

Our sex life is very satisfying and as hot as it ever was when we were first married a century ago.

 

i highly doubt you have been married a century. now i am beginning to question the integrity of the poster.

 

first you were married many years - i want to say more than 30 - now it is 100?

 

what is it really...???

 

doesn't make sense to me... please clarify as i am baffled.

 

2sunny, it's probably impossible for a couple to be married for a century. Let's see, that would make my wife 118 and me 120. When I'm 120 I don't expect to give a hoot about much of anything, especially the distant past.

 

As for the brief swinging thing, we have never been afraid of experiences that many people would find undesirable, or, whatever. This was one of many experiences we had when living in NYC and were immersed in the NY art scene. Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, during that time frame we both smoked pot occasionally at parties when a joint was passed around. Neither of us has done either for years and have no wish to partake anew. However, neither of us has any regrets and we both have many great memories of those days. Similarly, we remember the year in New England when we were members of an idyllic nudist camp called Stony Acres.

[Jilly Bean]

So, OP - what is the point of this thread?

 

First you came on stating you were "haunted by your wife's ancient affair".

 

When *most* people responded you were in denial, deserved the truth, your wife probably cheated again, your kid may not be yours, etc.,. you instead took the stance of ignoring reality, and have since posted repeatedly about HOW deliriously and ridiculously happy, loving, intimate, sexual and fulfulling your marriage is. It's like the whole reason of the thread has mysteriously disappeared.

 

Frankly, I think this just plainly illustrates how you deal with anything unpleasant in your life. You went into denial about the affair 30 years ago, and now you are in denial over the reality-based responses you have received.

[LSNoob]

2sunny, it's probably impossible for a couple to be married for a century. Let's see, that would make my wife 118 and me 120. When I'm 120 I don't expect to give a hoot about much of anything, especially the distant past.

 

As for the brief swinging thing, we have never been afraid of experiences that many people would find undesirable, or, whatever. This was one of many experiences we had when living in NYC and were immersed in the NY art scene. Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, during that time frame we both smoked pot occasionally at parties when a joint was passed around. Neither of us has done either for years and have no wish to partake anew. However, neither of us has any regrets and we both have many great memories of those days. Similarly, we remember the year in New England when we were members of an idyllic nudist camp called Stony Acres.

 

Now tell me you had the chance to bang your wife's hot friends and enjoy hot and passionate FFM-threesomes with your wife. If you had that experience then what are you crying and whining about you lucky b**t**d?!?

 

And you say your wife smoked pot too huh?? You are on lucky f***er. Man I wish my future wife will be like that too!! So we can travel to Amsterdam together.

Edited August 13, 2010 by LSNoob

[Bitterman24/7]

So, OP - what is the point of this thread?

 

First you came on stating you were "haunted by your wife's ancient affair".

 

When *most* people responded you were in denial, deserved the truth, your wife probably cheated again, your kid may not be yours, etc.,. you instead took the stance of ignoring reality, and have since posted repeatedly about HOW deliriously and ridiculously happy, loving, intimate, sexual and fulfulling your marriage is. It's like the whole reason of the thread has mysteriously disappeared.

 

Frankly, I think this just plainly illustrates how you deal with anything unpleasant in your life. You went into denial about the affair 30 years ago, and now you are in denial over the reality-based responses you have received.

 

I agree. I now see no point in this thread and there should be no reason for advice to be handed out at this point. I retract my original statement (s) I have posted in this thread. It seems like since he realized that the swinging lifestyle wasn't for him, he tried to convert his wife to monogamy, and was unsuccessful (obviously since she "cheated" on him). What did the guy expect? That she was just willingly going to stop sleeping with other people the second he said he didn't want to swing any more?

 

So now he comes on an internet board containing resentment about an "affair" that happened thirty years ago, and when he gets responses that differs from his perspective he ends up defending his wife and marriage, saying that its apples and peaches.

 

I smell a TROLL!!!!

[Darth Vader]

I agree. I now see no point in this thread and there should be no reason for advice to be handed out at this point. I retract my original statement (s) I have posted in this thread. It seems like since he realized that the swinging lifestyle wasn't for him, he tried to convert his wife to monogamy, and was unsuccessful (obviously since she "cheated" on him). What did the guy expect? That she was just willingly going to stop sleeping with other people the second he said he didn't want to swing any more?

 

So now he comes on an internet board containing resentment about an "affair" that happened thirty years ago, and when he gets responses that differs from his perspective he ends up defending his wife and marriage, saying that its apples and peaches.

 

I smell a TROLL!!!!

 

 

Agreed! I smell a troll now as well!

[2sunny]

2sunny, it's probably impossible for a couple to be married for a century. Let's see, that would make my wife 118 and me 120. When I'm 120 I don't expect to give a hoot about much of anything, especially the distant past.

 

As for the brief swinging thing, we have never been afraid of experiences that many people would find undesirable, or, whatever. This was one of many experiences we had when living in NYC and were immersed in the NY art scene. Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, during that time frame we both smoked pot occasionally at parties when a joint was passed around. Neither of us has done either for years and have no wish to partake anew. However, neither of us has any regrets and we both have many great memories of those days. Similarly, we remember the year in New England when we were members of an idyllic nudist camp called Stony Acres.

 

so you have trouble with the thought of your wife with another man from 30 years ago - however, it doesn't bother you to whore her out to a number of other men through the years? what's the point of being angry about one thing and nodding your approval on the other? to contradict your boundaries in these terms makes you seem un-believable.

 

you're integrity is foggy - at best.

 

get over her affair from long ago - just the same way you got past the orgy scenes.

[nvntr007]

I had to Google "What is an internet troll?" to find out how it could be possible for me to be considered a troll. It appears that a troll is usually one whose intention is to incite others, but, can also be one who creates soap opera-like scenarios with underhanded intentions for a similar purpose. I would guess that those who have referred to me as a troll are thinking of the latter definition.

 

So, I went back to the beginning and re-read this entire thread. Perhaps because I wrote what I have and know its truth is why I can't for the life of me see how anyone could possibly conclude that it is the work of a troll.

 

On a positive note, I want to thank four forum members whose comments and suggestions have been useful in the broadening of my perspective on this issue: Schewter, snowflake, 2sunny, and, especially, Mr. Lucky. You folks have helped me greatly to see things from a broader perspective. I deeply appreciate your contributions to this thread. Thank you all!

[Mr. Lucky]

nvntr007, hang out here too much and you'll get a cynical view of the world in general and human nature in particular. The knee jerk advice you received to trash your 30+ year successful marriage over your wife's 3 decades ago affair is unfortunately typical. Your conflicted thoughts and feelings are understandable as infidelity does leave a scar. You're a good man and strong person in the way you've dealt with it. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[karnak]

nvntr007, hang out here too much and you'll get a cynical view of the world in general and human nature in particular.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In part I agree with you. But why have you been here for more than 4 years then?

[Distant78]

nvntr007, hang out here too much and you'll get a cynical view of the world in general and human nature in particular.

 

:lmao:

 

The knee jerk advice you received to trash your 30+ year successful marriage over your wife's 3 decades ago affair is unfortunately typical.

 

The knee jerk advice thats trying to trash a "30+ year successful marriage" over a wife's "affair" that happened 3 decades ago?:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

:lmao:

 

 

 

The knee jerk advice thats trying to trash a "30+ year successful marriage" over a wife's "affair" that happened 3 decades ago?:lmao:

 

 

Distant, you have to read the whole Thread to fully understand it.

[Distant78]

Distant, you have to read the whole Thread to fully understand it.

 

I did read the whole Thread.

[witabix]

It’s just that I can’t get this thing to go away and stop haunting me.

 

Okay, what I would like to ask you folks is “Why does this crap still haunt me?” and “How the hell do you make it stop?”

 

Incidentally, I have never sought counseling or discussed this with anyone else. Maybe that would have helped long ago and I wonder if it would now, at this late stage of affairs (no pun intended).

 

 

I think we are similar ages, around the half century mark?

 

Its possible that we all come to a point in our lives where we naturally take a while to stop and survey our lives, the past. From the vantage point of what is hopefully our accumulated wisdom.

 

I think some people may consider it to be the mid-life crisis. I am not being facetious here. I have also been looking back over my life recently, and quite honestly the reasons why I did some of the things I did, and made some of the choices I did really baffle me now. I was so sure when I made those decisions and now the assuredness has evaporated.

 

Are there any other examples of circumstances in your past that you think, why did I do that? Or why didn't I do that? Is there a part of you that thinks like this about your W's A?

 

Like, why didn't I out this man to the community? Why didn't I kick her out then? Why didn't I find out all the gory details? Why didn't I smack him in the mouth?

 

It sounds like what you did led to a good life, a happy marriage, that is still going today. Not a bad decision in my eyes.

 

Why are you still haunted? I do understand why you would be, you didn't get any closure at the time. Bringing it all up now will undoubtedly cause your wife to think.........

 

'Oh no, this is so embarrassing, I am so ashamed of my behaviour even to this day. Please let him stop asking about it, we are so happy I don't want to have it spoiled by a thirty year old ghost.'

 

I know why you want details, that is what we do, but trust me having the pictures in your head will only drive you even more crazy over it.

 

Don't torture yourself or your W on this point. Tell her you are suddenly having difficulties with this memory, calmly and quietly. Tell her you love her. She may be in a converse position about it, so ashamed, so embarrassed that she still cannot talk about it. Let us be honest, thirty years is long time and memories are sketchy anyway.

 

Try to let go of it, take all the really good things that counterbalance this negative, place them in the scales of your life. See which way the scale balances and maybe realise that you have been lucky to have spent so much of your life in a happy and exciting marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

nvntr007, hang out here too much and you'll get a cynical view of the world in general and human nature in particular.

 

in case you haven't noticed he is "haunted" by this "30 year old affair". he is already cynical.

 

And I'll have to read the thread again, but I don't think anyone is suggesting he just dump his marriage, not even me.

 

But he does need to open his eyes and not be so naive to think that 30 years ago may have been the only time. She has given him a reason to see her as untrustworthy. So question is, even though its 30 years ago, what is SHE going to do to reassure him of things and help him through his feelings?

[jnj express]

Why are we really even here.

 

OP really isn't bothered by other men having sex with his wife I E: allowing her to swing, and giving her a free pass for a three year old A. that started in the 1st yr. of his mge, that would have gone on, had they not moved away from her lover.----Her basic excuse when pinned down for a reason, was What do you expect I was a 19 yr. old----well she wasn't 19 thru the whole 3 yrs of the A., it was like she had 2 husbands----She admitted the A., and he slide it under the rug---

 

You have supposedly had a good mge., what do you now want---it is 30 yrs. to late You gave her, her free pass, you even gave her permission to go out and screw other men---so her having sex with others can't be bothering you

 

Is this sudden demand to look at things, brought on by you thinking, other things have happened---What is your subconscious trying to tell you?????

[lordWilhelm]

I understand that you want to keep your marriage. That's what you wanted to do 30 years ago too. But that doesn't mean that you should close your eyes and pretend you're content with anything that happens. You seem to have a very good capacity to be oblivious to things that you don't like -- such as your wife having had an affair! You should keep that in mind, because there may be other things that you don't know about. And just so you know, after reading this thread the picture that I have in mind of you right now is of Mr. Magoo.

 

I think people have brought up very valid points. I'm most puzzled by your wife's reaction -- something just doesn't add up for me. She waited three years before telling you and wanted to take the child away because she had the affair. The fact is you gave her a cart blanche by not probing this, and you have no idea what she did or why she was finally bringing it up at that time.

 

You can keep living your life oblivious like this, or you can wake up and become more aware of reality. Nobody's saying that you should throw out your marriage which seems to be good for you. If your wife was as loving and open to you as you think she is, then you should really have a discussion about this with her. Because clearly, it is something that you wonder about -- you did make this thread after all.

 

Don't be Mr. Magoo.

[nvntr007]

nvntr007, hang out here too much and you'll get a cynical view of the world in general and human nature in particular. The knee jerk advice you received to trash your 30+ year successful marriage over your wife's 3 decades ago affair is unfortunately typical. Your conflicted thoughts and feelings are understandable as infidelity does leave a scar. You're a good man and strong person in the way you've dealt with it. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Again, Mr. Lucky, I much appreciate your intelligence and thank you for being a beacon in the fog here. I have avoided returning to this forum since I wrote my last entry and was hesitant to come back, not being masochistic by nature. Glad I did, to find your sage advice. You are a truly grounded individual. Someone a lot of folks here could learn from if they will will only listen.

 

Thank you, again....and, again, and ....

[nvntr007]

Its possible that we all come to a point in our lives where we naturally take a while to stop and survey our lives, the past. From the vantage point of what is hopefully our accumulated wisdom.

 

I think some people may consider it to be the mid-life crisis. I am not being facetious here. I have also been looking back over my life recently, and quite honestly the reasons why I did some of the things I did, and made some of the choices I did really baffle me now. I was so sure when I made those decisions and now the assuredness has evaporated.

 

Are there any other examples of circumstances in your past that you think, why did I do that? Or why didn't I do that? Is there a part of you that thinks like this about your W's A?

...

Like, why didn't I out this man to the community? Why didn't I kick her out then? Why didn't I find out all the gory details? Why didn't I smack him in the mouth?

...

It sounds like what you did led to a good life, a happy marriage, that is still going today. Not a bad decision in my eyes.

...

Don't torture yourself or your W on this point. Tell her you are suddenly having difficulties with this memory, calmly and quietly. Tell her you love her. She may be in a converse position about it, so ashamed, so embarrassed that she still cannot talk about it. Let us be honest, thirty years is long time and memories are sketchy anyway.

...

Try to let go of it, take all the really good things that counterbalance this negative, place them in the scales of your life. See which way the scale balances and maybe realise that you have been lucky to have spent so much of your life in a happy and exciting marriage.

You make some very interesting and insightful observations, Witabix, that I feel are true to the mark and worthy of remembering. Many thanks!!!

[nvntr007]

... telling you and wanted to take the child away because she had the affair...

 

lordWilhelm, as careful as I was in the wording my post and responses to accurately reflect the actual events, I failed to do so with regard to her comment regarding "leaving me". The actual circumstances were as follows:

 

At the time, we were visiting and staying with her parents in their home, fourteen hundred miles away from our N.Y.C. apartment. What she interjected was that she and our kid would stay there. It was clear to me that she fully expected me to reject her and her comment was more one of understanding the dire circumstance of the affair than anything else. When I immediately replied that I loved her, regardless, and would not permit that to happen and that I would not return to N.Y. without her and the child, she readily, and, happily, agreed.

 

I regret not clarifying this point when it was first raised many posts ago. There was just so much to respond to that I let it slip. So sorry, dear people.

[witabix]

If you are still 'haunted' by this issue perhaps you can try this.

 

Do you, or can you, replay in your head the incidents you are having most trouble with. A confrontation with your wife perhaps. Do you see it in colour and from your perspective, through your own eyes.

 

If so try running it, or them, again. This time in black and white. Once you have this going run it again, but this time try to take a different physical perspective. Imagine you are in the room watching the situation. Seeing yourself and your wife, in black and white.

 

It may help to remove the emotional response if you can see it from a different perspective.

 

Did you ever have a confrontation or interaction with the man in question. Do memories of this leave you feeling weak or powerless?

[nvntr007]

I decided it was high time that I signed in with a quick update.

 

For starters, I just reread your comments, Witabix, and want to reiterate their value to me. I can't thank you, and the other fine folks who shared their thoughts and experiences in this thread, enough. My heartfelt thanks to all of you. Because of you, I have gained a decidedly positive perspective on the past. A perspective that puts all that old crapola where it belongs: in the past.

 

Yesterday, my wife set out for a two-week birding trip to Costa Rica with another lady who is an avid birder and good friend. This is the first time she has gone on an adventure on her own (that is, without me) and her childlike excitement was infective. This is going to be weird since her cell phone is inoperative there and she may not be able to communicate with me until she gets back to the states. This situation is not entirely new because, being an avid backpacker, over the years I have been in the depths of Grand Canyon for many week-long trips. As you probably know, or, can guess, cell phones are useless there, as well.

 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm a much better person (and happier) because of you. Thank you!

[imagine]

Hi there 007,

 

I quickly ran through your thread and was reminded about "Joseph's letter"

 

This was a letter written by a betrayed man whose wife did not want to share details (sound familiar).

 

He describes the report of a death of a partner by a government official. He gives NO details other than she is dead. No how, where, when, what, just who... All his questions go unanswered. His grief remains with him.

 

This story almost reflects your situation barring the memory cut off that you had after D day.

 

The complete letter has appeared at loveshack a couple of times. I know that it is a standard letter at marriage builders.com. (This is proof that you are not the only one to have this problem)

[nvntr007]

Imagine, could you provide a link to "Joseph's letter"? I can't find it. Thanx.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yesterday, my wife set out for a two-week birding trip to Costa Rica with another lady who is an avid birder and good friend. This is the first time she has gone on an adventure on her own (that is, without me) and her childlike excitement was infective. This is going to be weird since her cell phone is inoperative there and she may not be able to communicate with me until she gets back to the states.

 

I'd ask her, "1000's of miles away, no cell phone, alone with another lady.....what assurances do I have that you two won't be partying it up and cheating?"

 

I know people will say I'm wrong for saying this, but I bet you anything if she gets someone that wants to get jiggy with her, she'll be all over it.

[road]

Re reading this thread has made me still feel the same that no matter how long ago the BS deserves to know the truth.

 

How ever I do now think that you need to do a paternity test. Three year affair and ends and your WW got pregnant. Dates are just to close.