Why am I still haunted by my wife's ancient affair?

[2sunny]

have you done counseling? individual counseling might help you process this situation and clear your mind so you no longer need to spend time and energy on this matter - to clear the mind... so it no longer takes up your mental space that has been eating away at you recently.

[imagine]

Got it.

 

 

Loc: Shrek's Swamp This is a classic letter ... applicable when your adulterous spouse is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...

 

Here ya go!

 

"To Whomever,

 

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

 

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

 

(end of Joseph's Letter)

[nvntr007]

Re reading this thread has made me still feel the same that no matter how long ago the BS deserves to know the truth.

 

How ever I do now think that you need to do a paternity test. Three year affair and ends and your WW got pregnant. Dates are just to close.

Sorry if I misled regarding dates. Affair ended, at latest, when we left the state after being there for three years. There was no contact after that. We had our only child three years later. He was a year old when my wife told me about the A.

 

Hope that helps.

[nvntr007]

have you done counseling? individual counseling might help you process this situation and clear your mind so you no longer need to spend time and energy on this matter - to clear the mind... so it no longer takes up your mental space that has been eating away at you recently.

... I have thought that it would be good to have someone to talk to about it---that's what led me to this forum---and I was right. You and the others here have helped me form a healthy perspective on this matter and I am happy to report that I feel pretty darned good about it all these days.

 

Actual counseling is difficult since we now live in a very rural environment that lacks such amenities. Guess the folks here in the "sticks" are so well-adjusted that they never need it .

[wicar1]

Many years ago, just a year into our marriage (we had both been virgins), my wife had an affair with her new boss. The affair ended after three years when we moved across the country. I never had a clue. She was somehow able to live two completely separate lives: one with me and the other with the self-employed man she worked for and with, side-by-side, every day in a very private and controlled setting. I say “controlled” meaning that they had total control of their time—an ideal setting for a clandestine affair.

 

Several years after our move (and the end of the affair) she confessed in a very emotionally- charged manner, and began telling me details that I could relate to occurrences that I remembered. Unfortunately, after about five minutes of details, she interjected that she would leave with our one-year-old child and stay with her parents until she could decide what to do with her life. I responded by saying I would have no such thing, that I loved her and wanted her to stay with me. Suddenly, she became very unwilling to discuss the affair any further when I asked about specific details. She really clammed up, saying things such as; they hadn’t had sex all that often, and, it hadn’t lasted very long. It was instantly obvious to me, that, since she saw that I didn’t want to lose her after learning of the affair, she felt it better that I didn’t know any more of the details. She was in a state of intense emotional turmoil at that moment and it was killing me to see her so distraught. I decided to drop the issue, feeling sure that the day come when she would feel like talking about it without the gut-wrenching emotion of the present moment. I was willing to give her all the time in the world to come to grips with telling me the details, feeling certain that that day would come when she would voluntarily come to me and say, “Let’s talk about that old affair.” At that moment, something completely weird happened in my mind---I completely blocked out any awareness of the affair, not for a day, a month, but, for thirty years.

 

Thirty years later, it hit me with the force of a tsunami that my wife had had an affair with her boss! Furthermore, I realized that the day would never come when she would voluntarily tell me the details. So, after agonizing privately over what those details might have been, I brought it up one night. She was very disappointed that I didn’t just forget it ever happened. A year later, I tried again to talk with her about it and, again, met with near anger that I didn’t let go of the past. However, each of those times, I was able to come away with a tidbit of information that helped slightly, but, which really only served as a teaser, making me even more needy of the full story.

 

It is my belief that her boss was a genuine sexual predator who hired carefully-screened young married wives of college students for the dual purpose of “work” and “play”. My wife was only nineteen when she went to work for him. He had a stellar reputation in the community as a dedicated professional, husband, and father of three kids over whom he doted. I have never expressed this belief to her because I fear that it would cause her pain to consider the possibility.

 

We have always been very much in love and my wife continually tells me how much she loves me, and, shows it in myriad ways. We spend almost all our time together (both now retired) and have never had any other problems in our marriage. We do everything together and are both best friends and ardent lovers (the sex is great for both of us!). It’s just that I can’t get this thing to go away and stop haunting me.

 

Okay, what I would like to ask you folks is “Why does this crap still haunt me?” and “How the hell do you make it stop?”

 

Incidentally, I have never sought counseling or discussed this with anyone else. Maybe that would have helped long ago and I wonder if it would now, at this late stage of affairs (no pun intended).

 

I'd like to say that I really appreciate the insightful posts of all you good people. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful opinions and views.

 

I think it's because you know that you didn't get enough info on the Affair.

 

Eventhough you think you ve had a happy life...deep inside you were wounded. Trust me on this, this is a never healing wound, probably it will follow you to the grave...

 

she interjected that she would leave with our one-year-old child and stay with her parents until she could decide what to do with her life. - I think you should have done that

 

I think you should leave her atleast now.....

 

Yes, it is 30 years.... but the pain remains....

 

This is why in all my posts ..I've said...divorce them as soon as you found out that they've been cheating. Cause it's over then and

there. No haunting after decades.

 

Cheaters rot in hell !!!

Edited November 10, 2010 by wicar1

[wicar1]

Anyway if you think you are being cheated I think it is best to hire a private detective instead of asking details from the cheater. You will never get atleast 50% of the facts.

 

Yes it will cost you some money but still it's worth it. The guy hired was able to give me exact dates, time, place etc etc.... pictures, videos of them together..... They are great at what they do..

 

It's worth it..trust me...

[Dexter Morgan]

NV

 

so I take it as someone who has cheated and the fact you are bothered by it, she thinks a trip thousands of miles away without her husband is a good idea?

 

If I had betrayed someone like that, I wouldn't be able to even think of going on a trip like that and look my SO straight in the face.

 

She is acting all giddy about it....which means she doesn't really care what you think, she's going.

 

I hate to say this, but too bad you didn't get rid of her long ago.

[eamherst14051]

As Dexter said, that writing has been on the wall for so long now it's faded just like your relationship!

[Dexter Morgan]

As Dexter said, that writing has been on the wall for so long now it's faded just like your relationship!

 

and there may be the answer to the question "Why am I still haunted by my wife's ancient affair?"......because she doesn't seem to remorseful even after all these years and maybe her attitude about what she did was that of, "oh well, get over it".

 

and now, as a cheater, she thinks its ok to go on this trip without her husband and celebrates her joy about it in front of him.

[2sunny]

I decided it was high time that I signed in with a quick update.

 

For starters, I just reread your comments, Witabix, and want to reiterate their value to me. I can't thank you, and the other fine folks who shared their thoughts and experiences in this thread, enough. My heartfelt thanks to all of you. Because of you, I have gained a decidedly positive perspective on the past. A perspective that puts all that old crapola where it belongs: in the past.

 

Yesterday, my wife set out for a two-week birding trip to Costa Rica with another lady who is an avid birder and good friend. This is the first time she has gone on an adventure on her own (that is, without me) and her childlike excitement was infective. This is going to be weird since her cell phone is inoperative there and she may not be able to communicate with me until she gets back to the states. This situation is not entirely new because, being an avid backpacker, over the years I have been in the depths of Grand Canyon for many week-long trips. As you probably know, or, can guess, cell phones are useless there, as well.

 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm a much better person (and happier) because of you. Thank you!

 

what are YOU doing about all of this? and i mean DOING -not just mulling it over or complaining to yourself about it...

 

since she's been gone has she been in contact? a cell phone is not the ONLY means of communication, ya know?

 

is she always this disrespectful and in disregard of how YOU feel about things? please post more often - you need to express YOUR feelings here - since you don't seem to have access to a counselor. once every few months will not help you to process your feelings and to start healing. get busy posting!