My name is Dawn and I am a cheater!

[Dawn]

K I know you all are going to have a bunch to say about this, good or bad bring it

I'm 23 have 2kids with my bf who 10yrs older than me. Hes not at all into having sex anymore, we have been together for about 7yrs. I still want it 10times aday or when i'm not working and is appropiate, which i know is not that often but I know its more than once every 6months. It dropped about 4 yrs ago, i've talked to him about it alot, tried to think of many different ways to help bring his drive back up. NOTHING works, and he just does not care anymore about it. I still do.

Anyways I cheat and I really feel bad about it. I know it would kill him if he found out, he caught me twice and wouldn't talk to me for about 4 days. I don't want him to leave because I know right now he has everything he needs, and so do I. But i'm tired of trying to get him to want to do anything he started sleeping in another room and can go for weeks without even a kiss way before i started doing anything. I'm 23 not 98 .

Amyways i'm not sure what else to do, I'm not about to start on with the whole "well i'm not getting what i need from him so i'm gonna go somewhere else" crap

But what it comes down to is maybe "what he doen't know won't hurt him"? Yep I know this is not coming across properly but what the hell.

Any and all advice is apreciated

[befuddled11]

Okay, I'll let er rip.

 

The first thing that came to my mind, when reading your post was......you're very young to have 2 children out of wedlock with this older guy. And you're out there screwing around. What's more important....meeting your sexual needs or ending up with HIV or Hepatitis B? (both deadly, both non-curable)...and it doesn't matter if you use condoms or not, they're definitely not even close to being 100% protection). Don't you owe it to the children you created, to conduct yourself in a healthy, responsible way so that you don't die way before your time of some unstoppable virus?

 

What if you were to accidentally get pregnant by one of these guys you boink? How are you going to explain that one? NO form of birth control, even the Pill, is 100% effective. You want to risk bringing another (likely unplanned) child into this sordid mix?

 

Now yes, you're young.....and you have "needs".........but nowhere in your post did I read anything about you sitting down with your boyfriend and getting to the root of WHY he's not interested in sex.....all I read is that you haven't tried to figure this out together, and instead of doing that, you're out screwing around behind his back.......What's up with that?

 

If he's 33 yrs old, he's surely at an age where sex is important. So what's going on, then? Is he working 3 jobs and totally beat by the time he gets home? Is he depressed? Does he have some kind of medical condition that causes him to have a problem "Getting it up" and in order to not have to deal with that, he just avoids sex?

 

Is he addicted to porn and uses that as a substitute for sex with you?

 

Is he getting it on the side also?

 

Have you ever ASKED him why he's not interested in sex?

 

Is he afraid you'll end up getting pregnant again and he's not sure he wants to deal with "another" mouth to feed?

 

The fear of pregnancy can definitely turn a guy off to sex. When you got pregnant the first time, was it an accident? was it planned? Did you purposely get pregnant "by accident" to keep him in your life?

[Vivid_29]

Dawn - I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did. You weren't getting any from him, so you did what you had to do.

 

One of my ex's wasn't giving me any a$$, so I went out and find a couple of lovely ladies who would and I DON'T REGRET A DAMN THING!

 

That's right - What he doesn't know won't hurt him, so never tell him. Do whatcha gotta do -- just don't get caught!!! If you get caught, then it's all your fault!!!

 

Don't sweat it girl. You are out to get yours, so don't feel bad about it.

 

 

 

~V

[Arabess]

Just a thought...but wouldn't it be less of a hassle just to break up with the boyfriend??

 

Unless there is some medical reason...it doesn't sound as though he's going to change. If you no longer share an intimacy with him or an emotional tie to the point of remaining faithful regardless.....then why stick around? You are young and have your whole life in front of you.

 

You say he has everything you 'need'....well, obviously NOT. If you are staying for security purposes only...then it's a major sell out of your life and furture potential of happiness.

 

If you have an affair....and he finds out....you may very well end up with nothing anyway. It would be better to divide now and move out.

 

...Vivid...you are SUCH a bad boy!!!......

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by Arabess

 

...Vivid...you are SUCH a bad boy!!!......

 

I know!!!

 

My beliefs and ways are twisted, but they keep me warm!

 

~V

[EnigmaXOXO]

I know it would kill him if he found out, he caught me twice and wouldn't talk to me for about 4 days.

 

And that's it? ... Just the silent treatment for four days??

 

Doesn't sound like it "killed" him as much as you'd like to think!

 

Shoot, you should consider yourself LUCKY!!

 

Have you ever considered that he might also be having an affair? Perhaps just a little better at hiding it than you?

 

Perhaps that might explain the sexual distance between you two, and why his reaction was so indifferent. After all, he has needs too. Someone must be taking care of them!

[befuddled11]

Take a trip down to the local AIDS Hospice...and witness firsthand, people your age and younger (and older), dying of AIDS.....nothing but skin and bones, with open sores, barely able to catch their next breath, blind from the virus going to their brain and spine.....no doubt lying there and trying to bargain with God to heal them. Yep, those who promote promiscuity should have their eyes opened. And yeah, I've seen it.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Vivid_29

My beliefs and ways are twisted, but they keep me warm!

 

~V

 

I think I'll put that on a T-shirt and wear it to work!

[yes]

first of all, if it's only four days of silent treatment, he's not too concerned about your cheating - why do you think that is?

 

second of all, has he talked to his doctor about his lack of libido?

 

third of all, i agree that cheating if nobody finds out is too bad, but are you prepared to be doing this your whole life? (are you planning to stay w/ this guy your whole life?)

 

good luck,

-yes

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by befuddled11

Take a trip down to the local AIDS Hospice...and witness firsthand, people your age and younger (and older), dying of AIDS.....nothing but skin and bones, with open sores, barely able to catch their next breath, blind from the virus going to their brain and spine.....no doubt lying there and trying to bargain with God to heal them. Yep, those who promote promiscuity should have their eyes opened. And yeah, I've seen it.

 

First off befuddled, what if it was for attention or cause I've had my heart broken? What the f**k do you care? Does the opinion of a man that you've never met, really get to you that much?

 

AND YES, I promote promiscuity if you are bored in a relationship or not getting anything from your partner! If I'm not happy, I'm not gonna sit around, feeling sorry for myself and wait for that person to come around. I'm gonna do something about it and make myself happy!

 

And in regards to those poor souls with AIDS. If they got AIDS from promiscuity, then that's their problem, not mine. They should have protected themselves!

 

These are my beliefs.

 

~V

[Dawn]

K wow I did not expect a reply so fast

i'll try to answer all the questions, i'm sure you'll let me know if I miss one.

Yes I have sat down with him on many ocassions and discussed very gently and non-stressfully whats going on if theres anything I can do and lastly if maybe he should get tested for hormone lvls on and on. Yes it has been looked into. I am very carefull who I sleep with i use depo (BCshot) and condoms are a must and I know the people very well before i jump into bed. I am absolutely not in anyway unsafe that way. No he shouldn't be stressed about working between mine and his income we have no worries. Right now hes working at home and alls happy there. He wanted both kids, first was unplanned but second was planned.

Hmm what else..

Oh yeah i've totally thought he screwin around on me and honestly good for him, I wish hed just tell me so i don't have to wonder if medically theres something up. For sure i'd be ok with that, we get along fine but not that way, as long as hes being as careful as me.

[yes]

it sounds to me like you two've got an open r/s. as long as both of your remain respectfully discrete and make sure to use all kinds of protection, you're good to go!

 

-yes

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Vivid_29

 

 

AND YES, I promote promiscuity if you are bored in a relationship or not getting anything from your partner! If I'm not happy, I'm not gonna sit around, feeling sorry for myself and wait for that person to come around. I'm gonna do something about it and make myself happy!

 

Whoa!! No need to come unglued there, buddy.

 

So you promote promiscuity because of a person is bored in a relationship and isn't having their needs met, why not screw around? Well Einstein, why not just get the hell outta Dodge and end the relationship (you know, be an adult)...then go on to screw til the cows come home.

 

You seem very hostile, bitter and full of anger. Chill out!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Oh yeah i've totally thought he screwin around on me and honestly good for him, I wish hed just tell me so i don't have to wonder if medically theres something up. For sure i'd be ok with that, we get along fine but not that way, as long as hes being as careful as me.

 

So the two of you have gone from being a married couple to just being 'friends with benefits'...but now that there's no 'benefits', you have now gone to being just roommates??

 

I'm an absolute ignoramous, so correct me if I'm wrong --- but isn't it suppose to be the other way around??

 

CRAP! I've been doing all wrong! No wonder I'm so damn happy!!

 

Oh well, ignorance is bliss I suppose...

[Dawn]

Hey befuddled

WTF are you doin asking me if i tried to have these babies he wanted to trap him?

regardless i missed the question. A little education for you, Children are not toys or things to used to get something we want, I know this. I don't think anything that I ever said would lead you to believe that I was ever trying to trap him in to this.

I would leave the relationship but really theres no harm as far as i can see in what i'm doing but this is why i posted is because i know my view could be flawed.

[Vivid_29]

Whoa!! No need to come unglued there, buddy.

 

And realize that sometimes, you can't just back out of a relationship, cause it can get complicated with finances/children, ect, ect. So, I will stay and have my fun! Is that OK with you? Or should I go pay a visit to the poor souls with AIDS, who didn't protect themselves.

 

I tell you what. Why don't we go pay a visit to them together and see how much my opinions and beliefs will change.

 

~V

[yes]

Dawn, are you gonna be happy with this man your whole life, cheating on him, him possibly cheating on you? If yes, there you go, you're fine. If not, admit that, and then think about what to do.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Dawn

Hey befuddled

WTF are you doin asking me if i tried to have these babies he wanted to trap him?

regardless i missed the question. A little education for you, Children are not toys or things to used to get something we want, I know this. I don't think anything that I ever said would lead you to believe that I was ever trying to trap him in to this.

I would leave the relationship but really theres no harm as far as i can see in what i'm doing but this is why i posted is because i know my view could be flawed.

 

Whoa, another one who needs to chill out!

 

Um, let's see now, you obviously TOTALLY MISSED the reason for my question of whether your pregnancies were planned/if he felt you trapped him. Duh. I was just trying to pose possible reasons for him not being interested in sex with you. Have you not ever heard of cases where a girl will get herself pregnant to keep the guy, and he stays with or marries her "out of obligation".....and over time, he's not very interested in sex because he feels resentful that he was trapped and he's also subconsiously (or consciously) afraid she'll get pregnant again?

 

And of course I know children aren't toys. So tell that to the many millions of women out there who purposely get pregnant "by accident" just to keep a guy. God, learn to read.

[Darkangelism]

befuddled, why dont u register?

 

 

as for the topic, i personally would ot make the same choice u would, i dont find it moral, but i won't make judgement on how you live your life.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by befuddled11

you sure do have a snotty, snippy attitude.

 

Geez Befuddled......You've offended two people on this post and think THEY have the attitude???? Maybe you are just having a bad day, but they are both allowed their own opinion.

[Dawn]

OK

befuddled I will be the first one to apologize IF I misunderstood your post. but if you are going to assume something so offensive you need to be willing to except the possibilty that you will offend. So having said that I believe I did not misunderstand what you were trying to say.

BTW we are not married i've left him once or twice he and i both know that he has no obligation to stay, as for my attitude really STFU and don't look!

Sry everyone else

[befuddled11]

First of all, who cares if I register or not......I'm not some newcomer around here. Anyone whose posted here on a regular basis knows I'm not some 'fly by night'......so why should I register, so that I can provide an opportunity for people to send me nasty PMs?

 

Secondly, yes Arabess, I think her attitude is snippy and snotty because she came here asking for opinions and advice...I gave mine, and in an attempt to HELP HER figure out the possible ROOT CAUSE of why her guy is not interested in sex with her, I asked a whole SERIES of questions re: why he might not be interested in sex..........one of which (shudder) was about the issue of the children. Was I accusing her of getting herself knocked up to keep him? No. I was simply trying to toss out possible reasons.........just like my questions about what his stress level was like, whether he could be depressed, whether he might be cheating himself, etc. That being said, I think it was pretty rude of her to respond with "WTF ........." If that's not antagonistic and snotty, I don't know what is.

[Darkangelism]

i was just looking at ages, u said u have been together 7 yrs and u are 23, that means u started seeing him when u were 16...and him 26, correct?

[Dawn]

Thats sounds right, it would be 8 yrs this sept

[silk_sword]

everyone is allowed their opinion, including befuddled. because her opinion happens to sway to the opposite extreme does not mean she doesn't have a right to it. that is what we all do here (give our opinions and advice on what others' post). she did just that in reply to dawn and as well to vivid. i agree with befuddled. if u aren't happy, then leave.

 

and yes vivid, sometimes situations r sticky, but does that mean make it worse by tangling a web that becomes so intricate that u and everyone around u r destined to get caught in the future? i feel it does no good for either person. but as well vivid, that is your opinion and u r welcome to it (at least until we talk ).

 

dawn, the thing is sexual contact has much to do with emotional contact. if he isn't delivering sexually maybe u aren't delivering emotionally. he has caught u cheating 2x. do u really think it is so easy for him to be intimate with u now? i've noticed that when men have issues in their heads it greatly effects their sexual performance. i think u both need to seek help. there is obviously something wrong and u both need to figure out what it is. it isn't fair for u to treat him in such a way, because i'm sure if u had issues (sexually or in any way that hindered your sexual performance) that u wouldn't want him to go and do this to u. u have to care about the other person as greatly as u do yourself. in addition, in marriage people go through spurts where sex is not so abundant. it happens. does this mean all married people should seek mistresses and misters? no, marriage should be on a very strong foundation and about much more than sex. it's good to be sexually healthy, but it isn't healthy to let temptation drive u away from someone u r suppose to love and cherish for life. love means more than that. so keep trying to fix the problem until it is fixed. and if u can't take it then u need to get out of the situation, because then u owe it to yourself to find happiness elsewhere. the fact that u have posted the issue means u have been thinking about and feeling guilty about it. i think u know it isn't right. so y if u feel it isn't right, do u do it? because your body craves it? think of your kids as well. whether they know or not, how do u think it would impact them? this is a very sensitive issue. maybe there r reasons deep within u that lead to y u r doing this, beyond lust and sexual urges. and like darkangelism said, u were really young when u got with this guy. maybe u really need to explore and experience the rest of the world first. maybe u aren't ready for a commitment at this time. unfortunately u made the choice to have children and raise them. u don't have the luxury of just running away. but, u can choose to get out of a marriage if u feel that your heart just isn't there. if u care for him then u will let him go so he can find someone to make him happy. and, if u care for yourself u will let him go in hopes that one day u will find another that will satisfy all your desires (physically and emotionally). if u don't make yourselves happy, then how can u expect to teach your children happiness. but, this is just my opinion and u will have to choose on your own in reality. i hope u find the right answer. it seems unfair for u to even have to be in the situation, but those were decisions already made and ones u can't alter. so i just wish u luck with your future decisions and hope that u acquire all that u need and desire in life.