Author Dawn Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 Silk I appreciate the fact that yes everyone is within thier rights to voice thier own opinon and without that forums like this would not be very useful, but like i said you need to be willing to defend your opinion. Our emotional relationship is great, we have lots in common but that falls short of sex. He caught me quite awhile back we talked and talked and I am sure he is totally comfortable with the way that was left. You do bring alot of very valid points to light but at what point do you start putting your needs first, I waiting and tried to work it out for 3 or 4 yrs thats one helluva "spurt"Why would I leave him and upset everyone including the kids just because he doesn't care about sex. I did offer to go to counselling togther or alone and he is not interested in that at all. I do feel that it is wrong but i'm conflicted because of the fact is it worth it to upset so many just because of something I want and can do secretly? I do not think the choice I made to have my children was in anyway unfortunate. But anyways you have given me quite alot to consider, thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
fallenangel Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 pardon me for butting in again but if a person comes to a place like this looking for advice and peoples' opinions, and you obtain them, why would the person seeking advice expect the advice-giver or opinion-giver to defend that advice or opinion? an opinion is an opinion. when you come to a place that's free and ask strangers to give you their opinion, i think it's pretty presumptuous to expect that they're going to have to defend their opinion. i'd say that's asking a lot and if you're looking for more than that then maybe you should forego free advice and try a paid professional. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 DAWN... Back to "you." I know how our own needs become more and more important the less they are acknowledged by the people we depend on the most. Soon, we loose sight of everything and everyone else around us and we get stuck in that lonely "me, me, me" cycle. And lonely it is…because no one wants to be around us or follow us there. Soon we find ourselves even more isolated, alone and ignored. The ‘need’ gets bigger, and eventually we become incapable of even satisfying ourselves, let alone meeting the ‘needs’ of the other people in our lives --- particularly that of our own children. What is it you would want your children to learn about love and relationships? If we lived in a perfect world, what kind of relationships would you want them to grow up and have for themselves? What kind of parents would you want them to grow up to be? What is it about being a part of a 'family' that you would want to pass along to them? And just as important...when you are gone from this world, what is it about their parents or their 'mommy' that you would want them to remember the most? What part of 'you' would you want them to emulate? I know sometimes its difficult to step outside ourselves and witness the situation we're in from the perspective of an observer. It's so easy to see things clearer when we're standing on the outside looking in. Your children are those observers. Even though you think they're not old enough yet to comprehend what is going on...they're learning every nuance of what a relationship between two people should be. You are their only example, the only role model in their life that will affect the way they see their world in the future. You set the precedence for the kind of people they will become. BE that example in their life you would want them to have … BE the kind of person you would want them to remember. When making difficult choices in my own life, I've always likened it to a game of chess...always thinking five moves (or years) ahead. Every action I take now, every decision I make in the heat of the moment will create a "reaction" or consequence somewhere down the line. Think about your children...those little 'consequences' that we often neglect to consider. And every now and then, make your decisions based upon them with full understanding that everything you and their father do now will directly impact their lives later. This much, I can promise!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 I am not telling anyone they have to defend their opinion, obviously I am not capable of that. Its not like anything that anyone says here will persuade me to make a life altering decision But the opinion of someone who is not involved in the situation at hand is definately worth listening to for the insight they offer. Which is the reason I posted. But depending on the way that advice is communicated(befuddle) it can be quite useless if its found to more unintelligent and more offending than just stating an opinon in more polite term(silk) I am very well aware that none of you are professionals, and i would definately not force anyone to respond or force a defending statement. BTW Vivid look me up OMG j/k no one send me nasty pms k! Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Why stay married? What are you possibly getting from him? Personally, I'd leave and start playing the field without worrying about the infidelity thing. If you're going to play,be safe , be very safe. Recognize that he'll play, too. Have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
fallenangel Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 her guy isn't very old, he's in his early thirties. if he's not wanting sex at home, chances are high he's getting it elsewhere. a guy that age isn't going to go without sex, guys aren't wired that way. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Originally posted by fallenangel her guy isn't very old, he's in his early thirties. if he's not wanting sex at home, chances are high he's getting it elsewhere. a guy that age isn't going to go without sex, guys aren't wired that way. Well well well, LOOK who's making generalizations about all males and the way we are wired? Who would have thought. Damn, this is ironic and amusing. Anyway, her the judgement above is ridiculous, he could be depressed, on medication, some sort of chemical problem, stress, overexertion--Cheating is a terrible conclusion to jump to at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
silk_sword Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 lol dawn - did someone let u know that quick? it's all good girl, and to the one who told, it's not a big issue. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Well well well, LOOK who's making generalizations about all males and the way we are wired? Who would have thought. Damn, this is ironic and amusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 8, 2004 Author Share Posted February 8, 2004 K Dyermaker I would respond to your comment if I knew who you were talking about when you said her. And Silk like I said I am lost with your comment also Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 her = fallenangel I was responding to the fact that she jumped down my throat for expressing an axiom of male behavior in another post, and here she is making brash generalizations with no ground in truth. The point I was making is that you've got nothing to say he's cheating on you, and I listed several legitimate causes for a lack of interest in sex. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Dawn, if you discovered your man was involved in an extramarital affair, which is not outside the realm of possibility, how would you feel, and what would you do, if anything? I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Seriously I would be fine with it, Like I said earlier at least i wouldn't have to wonder if there is something medically wrong with him. I know everyone says no you wouldn't you would hate him and throw a fit but really I would be hurt intially then after Its all good. That way I know he is and I can make sure hes taking care of himself while hes doing it. We love each other and all that just don't click sexually and after this long i've come to terms with it. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Thanks for your candor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 No problem, its a good way to spend a very slow day at work Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 This is just my opinion in brief...I don't support people cheating. You are either in, or you are out of the relationship. I know it's a moral high ground, but that's how I feel. If you BOTH agree to have an open relationship, then that's another thing entirely, and could perhaps work for some people. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Dawn its called communication. You owe it to him and the relationship to tell him what you are doing. Ever try counciling? How is he behaving otherwise, other than the sex part? To me sex is a big part of the relationship its a way to initimately let the other mate know how you truly feel about them. When you share that with any other guy on the street it becomes meaningless in a relationship. You SAY you would be hurt initially, but then be fine with it. Wait until you actually experience it and see what your reaction is. Of course you'll say what you did to avoid becoming a hyprocrite. There is a reason why he's acting this way, and the way you are trying to solve it, is just making it more complicated. If he's in another bedroom sleeping that should give you an indication he's NOT happy with you and/or the relationship. Umm, you think it might be because you cheated on him twice before?? Apparently he has't gotten over that and is showing his resentment towards you. Its calling taking the 'coward's way out'. Either fix what you have or leave him. Don't ever assume anything in a relationship, and assuming that he might be cheating is totally wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Obviously you are going to make the decisions that best suit your interests. On the other hand, you really only have control over what you do, not what your boyfriend does. He might break up with you, he may eventually get involved with someone else, or he may stay with you and let this drag on. Just because you think you both are getting along well doesn't mean he is sastisfied. He might know, or at suspect, you're cheating on him. I can fully understand that his lack of interest in sex would cause you unhappiness and resentment, but you are responsible for your actions and what the outcome may be. In this kind of situation I wouldn't take anything for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Ok first of all I have never been in that situation and no I can't guarantee that thats how I would feel. Yes I have offered couple or individual counselling, he is not at all interested in eithier. As I said earlier he stopped wanting to have sex and started sleeping in another room about 2yrs in to the relationship which was way before i started cheating. But yes you are right it is a cowardly/lazy way to do it. I know he deserves better but everytime I try to leave him he talks me into staying i'd rather just leave and not tell him because regardless we will have to spend the rest of the rest of lives more or less together. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I would not assume anything in this situation ... that he is cheating, that he would/would not be devastated if you were, that he is gay, that he has a very low libido and would be prepared to sacrifice fidelity to maintain the marriage. The only way to find out is to ask him, communicate your needs and negotiate a solution you can both live with - together or apart. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Did you ever ask him why he's been sleeping in a seperate bedroom? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 10 times a day is called sex addiction. especially with two small children at 23. Grow up girl and get some help. How would anyone have time or energy with 2 small children and sex 10 times a day? Do you clean your house, feed your children, bath your children, help them with their reading, and pay the bills? Give me a break. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Neo, I think when she said '10 times a day' it was a figure of speech. And just wanting it that much doesn't mean she's getting it that much a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Yes 10 times a day is an exaggeration. LOL i'm sorry to laugh at you NEONINK but that whole post was pointless. Of course my children are feed and and bathed. When I am home(from work) before they are in bed i am the one to tuck them in. Yep I do slack on paying my bills thats why my boyfriend does that since he is at home during normal hours. But i'm sorry to say when all thats done I still have time in the morning, night, nap time and my days off. The more i read your post the more I think maybe I should've been offended but lol i just can't stop laughing at the thought that you truly think I put sex before feeding or bathing my children. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Then I would start by not exaggerating. Problems are hard enough without blowing them out of the water. And your title did start with an old AA addiction line... Hi, I'm Dawn and I'm a cheater... Didn't mean to offend, but I needed a reality check. I'm starting to think honest communication is the key to opening doors. (I think it's called peeling back the onion layers.) Link to post Share on other sites
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