Author Dawn Posted February 9, 2004 Author Share Posted February 9, 2004 Oh yeah I forgot to answer your question jmargel yes I have asked him and he does not why but along time ago before I was ever cheating on him he started sleeping alone. I tihnk it might have something to do with the way he was raised, because his parents stopped sleeping together while their kids were fairly young. Not sure about that, thats just a theory Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Well then you aren't sure about his reasons. If that's the reason and your relationship is fine in every other way, then seeing a sex therapist would be in your best interest. NOT cheating on him! Seemed like you wanted to see what it was like to be fcked by another man, more so then to find out the root of the problem with the guy you have now & fix it. Right now he's living & loving you under false pretenses. Its time to talk to him about this & confess what you have done. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I still think there is a lot you could learn yourself about this situation by asking questions. Have you asked him if he is gay, for example? Link to post Share on other sites
Emily55555 Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 You should be focusing on what you want... dont stay in the relationship, because you are afraid to hurt him, because eventually you will and its not fair to him. Your relationship with him obviously wont work out so i don't know why your still staying together. You are a re girl who has wants and needs and if he doesnt want to give them to you, he shouldnt have to. Dont pressure him into something he doesnt want to do. The best choice in this situation is to break up... i know its the hardest choice but it will do you both better in the end. Just do what you think is best for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by Dawn K I know you all are going to have a bunch to say about this, good or bad bring it I'm 23 have 2kids with my bf who 10yrs older than me. Hes not at all into having sex anymore, we have been together for about 7yrs. I still want it 10times aday or when i'm not working and is appropiate, which i know is not that often but I know its more than once every 6months. It dropped about 4 yrs ago, i've talked to him about it alot, tried to think of many different ways to help bring his drive back up. NOTHING works, and he just does not care anymore about it. I still do. Did you try therapy? How in depth did you talk to him about it? I'm sure he cares but has a lot on his mind. It doesn't seem to me that you're trying hard enough here. Anyways I cheat and I really feel bad about it. I know it would kill him if he found out, he caught me twice and wouldn't talk to me for about 4 days. Four days is all? And he caught you twice? You're lucky he isn't gone. Very lucky. If that were me you'd be OUT for the second offense. I don't want him to leave because I know right now he has everything he needs, and so do I. But i'm tired of trying to get him to want to do anything he started sleeping in another room and can go for weeks without even a kiss way before i started doing anything. I'm 23 not 98 . Something's obviously bothering him, but do you care? Seems you are more interested in getting what you want. He's only ten years older than you, so that's 33. Something's got to be wrong as I'm fairly sure guys that age would still want sex. Try talking to him seriously, please? Getting therapy involved if it's that important? Oh but you already are cheating him him Amyways i'm not sure what else to do, I'm not about to start on with the whole "well i'm not getting what i need from him so i'm gonna go somewhere else" crap But what it comes down to is maybe "what he doen't know won't hurt him"? Yep I know this is not coming across properly but what the hell. Any and all advice is apreciated He already knows you've cheated on him and probably is uncomfortable around you more so than he was before. How about "What you don't do that would hurt him won't hurt him"? That sounds good to me. Don't cheat on the guy. Work this out. You've got two kids. It really to me does not sound like you care what's the matter with this guy. You just want what you want, and you're willing to go find it in other people. That to me isn't really caring too much. And please don't think he's the only one with a problem here. Very sorry to be so rash about this but it sounds like you've got some things to work out as well. Why in the world are you not trying to get to the bottom of this? So you say you've talked to him, but I have a strong feeling you didn't try all available options or put much into WHY he is feeling this way. Your behavior certainly won't help. And try to hide it as much as you want but you WILL eventually lose this guy, if that matters to you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 What do you want from the relationship? What can you change to achieve what you want? Can you accept that there may be no changes that you can make that will allow you to have exactly what you want the way you want it? Then you need to decide what compromises you can make and what you are not willing to compromise on. It sounds like you should either talk to each other and get it out in the open that you want an open relationship, then set down some boundaries -- like not bringing home someone else while the kids are there. Or you need to split up. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Dawn, I'm curious why you're not really addressing a lot of the same questions that people here are asking you. People, myself included, have suggested possible causes for your BF to sleep in another room/not want sex with you. But you seem to ignore these questions. How come? I don't get a sense that you're at all interested, sincerely, in getting to the bottom of the problem.....but instead, you're taking the easy/selfish route, and you're got your mind made up that you're going to cheat. I find it mindblowing that he's slept in a different room from you, for 2 whole years, and you have no idea why. If I was in your shoes, I would be RELENTLESS in my pursuit to find out what the problem is. It would bug the hell out of me. It would pique my curiosity big time. I would be trying all kinds of different angles at getting him to open up. I wouldn't just sit back and suck it up and accept it. Why do I, and others here, get the impression that you're not too concerned or interested in getting to the bottom of this? So you've suggested couples counselling and individual counselling and he's not been interested.....so you gave up? Maybe he's got problems getting/maintaining an erection and is ashamed about it......so he avoids seeking help with this because of shame. Have you ever sat down and had a loving, heart to heart talk with him to try and discover what's going on with him? Does he do drugs at all? Many drugs can cause problems with impotence. Could that be a possibility? Is he depressed? Is he being treated with any kind of antidepressant medications? Many of them have sexual side-effects and can cause a reduced or non-existant libido (sex drive)...could this be the case here? Have you bothered to ask? Do you know if he at least masturbates? Was there EVER a time in your relationship where your sex life was really good? Is it possible that he's not attracted to you physically? Has he ever implied or insinuated that you're overweight or that you "don't look the same as you used to"? Do you have good personal hygiene? Is it possible he's cheated on you in the past and maybe contracted some kind of incurable STD like Herpes or Genital Warts and he's afraid to admit this to you/afraid of transmitting this to you and getting "busted"? Could he be gay or questioning his sexuality? Come on already......these are logical questions to consider and ask and delve into. Have you ever bothered to consider and ask them? If not, WHY NOT? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn Posted February 10, 2004 Author Share Posted February 10, 2004 quote:Originally posted by Dawn Oh yeah I forgot to answer your question jmargel yes I have asked him and he does not why but along time ago before I was ever cheating on him he started sleeping alone. I tihnk it might have something to do with the way he was raised, because his parents stopped sleeping together while their kids were fairly young. Not sure about that, thats just a theory quote:Originally posted by Dawn K wow I did not expect a reply so fast i'll try to answer all the questions, i'm sure you'll let me know if I miss one. Yes I have sat down with him on many ocassions and discussed very gently and non-stressfully whats going on if theres anything I can do and lastly if maybe he should get tested for hormone lvls on and on. Yes it has been looked into. quote:Originally posted by Dawn Ok first of all I have never been in that situation and no I can't guarantee that thats how I would feel. Yes I have offered couple or individual counselling, he is not at all interested in eithier. As I said earlier he stopped wanting to have sex and started sleeping in another room about 2yrs in to the relationship which was way before i started cheating. But yes you are right it is a cowardly/lazy way to do it. I know he deserves better but everytime I try to leave him he talks me into staying i'd rather just leave and not tell him because regardless we will have to spend the rest of the rest of lives more or less together. THis is just a few of my posts and all i'm doing is answering questions. I said I would probably forget a few. He does not use drugs, lol my hygiene is not an issue, he is not gay, when I did gain wieght(pregnancy) I lost it quite soon after. The thing about it is that if I really talk to him about it alot he gets mad and will not talk about it at all. Of course I did not just give up, but its really not worth making both him and me miserable. He has no problem maintaining/getting an erection. Yes we used to have sex 4 times a day, no he is not depressed. No he is not comfortable talking about private things like masturbation so asking him would only piss him off. About the incurable diease thing I hope not because every once in a blue moon we still have sex. I did not "sit back and suck it up" but the more I ask him and try to help him the more walls he throws up. I am not bouncing these questions befuddled but there are a lot of them I am doing my best so chill out Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Well there is a reason why he's not telling you, which is kinda scary. If you two dont have communication within' your relationship then its not bound to last. Try to approach him in a different way, perhaps he's scared that you are afraid of the answer he might give you. Let me know its ok. But whatever you do, you really should stop the cheating if you want things to work out between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Wounded Unicorn Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 He is being selfish and inconsidderate of your needs so I agree. what he don't know won't hurt him. You may be spoken for, but you're not dead and you have needs. I say go for it! ^5 Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Unicorn, I hope for the love of god you are not in a relationship. Otherwise I feel pity for your mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Wounded Unicorn Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 as a matter of fact I am married and going throught the same thing she is, after a while you feel like you are beating a dead horse. You can only waste your breath trying to talk, be sensative, and try to resolve the situation and be understanding. But there comes a point to where you feel inadequit and unloved. So she should either continue to do what she is doing and deal with the consequinces or leave the marriage. Geez. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 You ever feel like maybe you killed the horse? or the horse was dead all along? People act like marriage is not a mutual decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Wounded Unicorn Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 And men act as if women should only achieve sexual pleasure when they are the ones giving it to them. So what her huband wasn't intimate with her for 4.5 months, not even a kiss....that's okay. right? Because he didn't fell like it was neccesary so therefor she didn't need it?! How do you think that made her feel as a wife? As a woman? do you think she still felt as if he loved her? Do you think she still felt as if she were a beautiful woman? I can answer those for you as I AM currently walking in the same brand of shoes as she is. THE ANSWER IN NO! It makes you feel ugly, unloved, inadequit,undesireable, and it makes you hate your self and your body. The least he could do is say what is bothering him. He is the one being selfish. So I guess I can say yes the horse is dead, But I can garuntee HE was the one that killed it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 The moralists tend to focus on the immorality affair and conveniently ignore, or discount, the toxic marital conditions that ignite the affair. When the marital conditions are addressed, it's usually the command: "Get a divorce." They want the straying spouse to destroy her marriage in order to preserve their rose tinted view of the institution. Stereotype governs. What most moralists refuse to accept is that, for any number of reasons--children, financial security--a spurned spouse will stay married but seek validation outside of the marital bond. It's frequently all or nothing to them. Life, however, is not. I stand with you, my Unicorn. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Dawn, It sounds to me as though you have done what you can to get your husband to help you deal with your marital problems and yet he still refuses to acknowledge his responsibilities in this regard. He knows the score, he has caught you before. You know whether it is best to force him to confront the situation or whether it is counter-productive. If you need to remain within the marriage I would suggest two things. Firstly let him know that whilst you can not force him to help you resolve the problems, his reluctance to do so does not mean that you will accept the status quo as he would define it and that his actions will have consequences down the line. Secondly having told him this, try to ditch the guilt. The marriage may not survive in this state for long but it may get you through to a point where you can leave or he can seek help. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Dawn, I think you are justified in your argument that you need sexual satisfaction and affection. And if it is simply the only way possible then I would agree that you should seek sex outside of the home. First of all though I think you should sit your husband down and tell him outright that if he's not willing to vigourously pursue the root cause of his lack of desire and likely, his problem with intimacy, then you will have no choice but to take on sexual partners outside the home. I think he has to accept responsibility for the relationship, more so than he has. Many posters have proposed possible reasons for his lack of libido. I have one more. Some men love to have sex with their women before they become mothers. Once their woman becomes a mother they can no longer relate to her as a sexual partner because, on a subconcious level, they feel that sex with mother is a taboo. There is the swollen belly, the larger lactating breasts and all of the nurturing behaviours that come with being a mom. So Freudian fences get raised and mom gets rejected. I don't know if that's your guy's problem or not but once again if he's not committed to you enough to pursue answers I say you are entitled to live a life that includes intimacy, affection, and a sexual relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I understand there are often physical and psychological reasons why one partner may seem to become suddenly disinterested in sex. But many times, the emotional distancing between two people is the result of both parties reaching a logger head. One partner feels rejected if they are turned away each time they initiate, and eventually give up. While the other partner becomes resentful because the other has stopped initiating. The longer this goes on, the greater the emotional distance between the two people becomes. While emotional intimacy leads to the physical act of sex...sex also sustains emotional intimacy. Once this connection has been lost, the only way to bridge that gap back to intimacy again is by having "sex" whether we are in the mood or not. One of the partners HAS to break through the log jam of resentment by continually initiating...even if it means swallowing a bit of pride in the process. I was curious to know, in regard to both of the ladies above, *IF* this cycle of avoidance could be broken, and your partners would suddenly start coming to you for sex on a regular basis...would it be enough to keep you from looking outside of your relationship to get these needs fulfilled? --- Or could there be something more going on, perhaps a total lack of sexual desire for your partner all together? If we pumped them full of viagra and they started chasing you around the house, would you be happy, content and satisfied? --- Or would you feel disgusted and put off? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Originally posted by Wounded Unicorn And men act as if women should only achieve sexual pleasure when they are the ones giving it to them. So what her huband wasn't intimate with her for 4.5 months, not even a kiss....that's okay. right? Because he didn't fell like it was neccesary so therefor she didn't need it?! How do you think that made her feel as a wife? As a woman? do you think she still felt as if he loved her? Do you think she still felt as if she were a beautiful woman? I can answer those for you as I AM currently walking in the same brand of shoes as she is. THE ANSWER IN NO! It makes you feel ugly, unloved, inadequit,undesireable, and it makes you hate your self and your body. The least he could do is say what is bothering him. He is the one being selfish. So I guess I can say yes the horse is dead, But I can garuntee HE was the one that killed it!!! So having sex with another man is going to cure all of this? Sex and the feeling of being loved are TWO totally opposite things. If your mate is not giving you what you need, and they are not trying to change or want to even acknowledge there is a problem, taking revenge which is what you are doing is not the answer. You are only trying to cover up your hurt by the feeling of being wanted by some stranger. Having some guy fck you is not going to cure anything. I can guarantee that you won't feel any more beautiful or loved after some guy has had his way with you. Those are the type of guys that would screw anything under the sun. They'll tell you your sexy, desirable, etc.. anything you WANT to hear. What I think you might want to do is start improving your own self-confidence. Don't let your own self-worth be based upon anyone else, including your husbands'. First step if you tried everything you could would be to leave. Leave knowing that you tried your best, and that no one else on this planet would have them be able to change their attitudes. Second step is to start doing things to make you happy, things that will help you build up your own personal self-worth. Sounds likes you been through alot of pain, no need to get defensive, but its understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Well I'm sure women are vulnerable to these sort of sexual opportunists so the warning is timely. People's sex drive varies - some people (men and women) seem to go without too much sacrifice, for others it's an accident waiting to happen. I don't believe this variation is entirely explained by attitude and confidence, it's more intrinsic. I also disagree that the issue is solely sex. Often that's a symptom of a withdrawal of attention, respect, intimacy, affection, physical contact etc. Similarly these can be found in relationships outside marriage. I'm not advocating affairs, but when the issues are repeatedly raised both people have a responsibility to resolve them, not just the unsatisfied partner. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I also disagree that the issue is solely sex. Often that's a symptom of a withdrawal of attention, respect, intimacy, affection, physical contact etc. Similarly these can be found in relationships outside marriage. I'm not advocating affairs, but when the issues are repeatedly raised both people have a responsibility to resolve them, not just the unsatisfied partner. I absolutely agree that the problem is not just about lack of sex. Which is why I presented my basic questions...in hope that answering them honestly might reveal that exact point. But so often we blame “the lack of sex” for the more rudimentary needs that are not being addressed. True, it is not just the responsibility of the unsatisfied partner to resolve those issues. But it *is* the unsatisfied partner's responsibility to communicate those needs to their primary partner as many times as it takes until those issues are confronted, addressed and resolved. Once you step outside of that relationship to fulfill those needs, then you have already abandoned that relationship, even if not physically. And a relationship is only doomed when one or both partners quit trying. Many, many couples reach this point in their relationship. I have been there myself. But what I've learned is that sustaining intimacy requires that we not become complacent...that we remain forever vigilant of when these relationship ruts begin to occur and work hard to yank things back on track before it reaches the point of no return. We must be constantly aware of our own interaction with our partner and take inexcusable accountability for our own behavior and shortcomings. If one requires more ego stroking, more affirmation, or more affection than their mate, then it is up to the needier partner to ask for those things they need. And how much better that message is received when we show our partner, through our own example, how we wish to be treated --- rather than distancing ourselves physically and emotionally out of resentment or spite. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Well put Enigma and I agree with much of what you say. Not wanting to turn it in to a debate but whilst we all must do everything we can in the end it takes two to tango, one can not fix things alone. As many times as it takes implies it will always work in the end. It doesn't. If someone opts out and repeated attempts to re-engage them fail then people make the best of it in a variety of ways and I for one would hesitate to say they made the wrong judgement even if it is one that is clearly unsustainable in the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Not a debate at all...I wholehearted agree with every single point you've made. I think we just express our views in different ways. As many times as it takes implies it will always work in the end. It doesn't. If someone opts out and repeated attempts to re-engage them fail then people make the best of it in a variety of ways and I for one would hesitate to say they made the wrong judgement even if it is one that is clearly unsustainable in the long term. Absolutely! ... which brings us back to the original poster's anaylogy of "kicking a dead horse." Kicking that dead horse will not always work in the end. But if one gives up kicking then its time to cowboy up and climb the heck off. Otherwise, they become the stubborn *dead weight* in the relationship who holds everyone down and prevents their 'free ride' from moving on... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 LOL Consensus!! But people can't always leave, sometimes they stay for the kids, sometimes because they lack the emotional or financial resources to go. I know people who have had an affair to sustain them in a totally barren marriage and then the marriage has come good in the end. Rare but it does happen. Leaving is much better but not always possible. I know it's not ideal, people get messed up. But we see the effects of people depressed, trapped in dreadful relationships on LS - that's not sustainable either. Link to post Share on other sites
Wounded Unicorn Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO I understand there are often physical and psychological reasons why one partner may seem to become suddenly disinterested in sex. But many times, the emotional distancing between two people is the result of both parties reaching a logger head. One partner feels rejected if they are turned away each time they initiate, and eventually give up. While the other partner becomes resentful because the other has stopped initiating. The longer this goes on, the greater the emotional distance between the two people becomes. While emotional intimacy leads to the physical act of sex...sex also sustains emotional intimacy. Once this connection has been lost, the only way to bridge that gap back to intimacy again is by having "sex" whether we are in the mood or not. One of the partners HAS to break through the log jam of resentment by continually initiating...even if it means swallowing a bit of pride in the process. I was curious to know, in regard to both of the ladies above, *IF* this cycle of avoidance could be broken, and your partners would suddenly start coming to you for sex on a regular basis...would it be enough to keep you from looking outside of your relationship to get these needs fulfilled? --- Or could there be something more going on, perhaps a total lack of sexual desire for your partner all together? If we pumped them full of viagra and they started chasing you around the house, would you be happy, content and satisfied? --- Or would you feel disgusted and put off? Now THAT I can agree with! Link to post Share on other sites
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