Done

[SoMovinOn]

I'm done. Time to move on. We had something really awesome for a long time. When we got together, it was the right thing to do. We were perfect for each other. Times change. We've changed. No hard feelings. As much as it was right for us to get together, it's right for us to split up now.

 

She became my STBXW after a few one night stands, and affair, and then a reconciliation that was a lie. I realized she really didn't want to be here. I knew she lacked the courage to be honest and tell me that.

 

She doesn't have a job. She doesn't have anywhere to go. All she has is me, and she doesn't want me. She's scared to death of getting out on her own. Does it make sense to say I love her enough to make her do it?

 

Oddly, I feel no sense of loss. I regret the loss of what we once had, but I very much want to lose the mess we've become. We are "separated", but living together until she can find a job and move out. That part is difficult at times. We date other people, but we still sleep together (literally and sexually). Most times, most of the passion is gone, but we find that spark now and then. We date each other sometimes, and have a great time doing things together.

 

It's all very strange. It would be easier if she were just gone.

 

By coincidence or fate, an old love found me again, shortly after I decided to split with my wife. She's married, not entirely unhappily. I won't have an affair with her. She wouldn't either. I wouldn't want her husband to go through what I've been through. I wouldn't want her to earn that label.

 

... but we very much want to spend some time together. Yes, we very much want to have an affair - to be together like we used to. I was stupid to have left her when I did. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I was young, inexperienced... not too bright.

 

In spite of that, we are very much having an emotional affair. For as much as she is sure she wouldn't cheat on her husband, she already is. The right thing for me would be to walk away. If she gets caught sneaking around, he'll never believe nothing has ever happened. I've told her, if she wants to spend time with me, it's as easy (Ha!) as leaving him. She just has to make that choice.

 

She has her own issues. In many ways, not so different from my STBXW. I always seem to pick the crazies. A nice quiet, normal woman would bore me to tears after just a few weeks.

 

In spite of all the insanity around me... I'm fine with it all. I'm happy, content, enjoying life. It will be interesting to see if I remain so as this all plays out over the next couple of years.

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS, SoMovinOn. Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

From what you've written here it doesn't sound as though you are moving on at all. The reason you don't feel a sense of loss is because you haven't actually lost anything - yet!

 

You are still living with your wife, dating her, having fun with her, sleeping with her and having sex with her. Apart from the 'decision' to move on and 'being allowed' to date other people has anything really changed?

 

I lived exactly like this with my stbxh for a very short while and I can tell you that you aren't 'separated' at all. When you do separate, even if it is just to start sleeping in different rooms and stop 'going out' together you will notice the difference. It's a whole different ball game.

 

Dating other people when you are still sleeping (and having sex with) your wife is a little unfair on the people you are dating. Do they know the full situation? Sharing the same house for financial or practical reasons is one thing but most people will not consider dating someone who still sleeps with their spouse.

 

With regards to your old love - presumably there was a reason it didn't work out the first time? It seems to me that both of you are just using each other to fill an emotional void. Be careful if you choose to pursue this relationship - she, at least, is having an affair, even it is just emotional at this stage, and honestly, she really would be crazy to leave her husband for you when you're still sleeping with your wife.

 

It doesn't surprise me at all that you are happy, content and enjoying life. You have your cake and you're eating it too. You're effectively married, with the freedom to date other women, and you're 'in love' with an OW too.

 

So your wife was unfaithful and I'm sure a lot of people on here would say she no longer deserves your respect because of that. I would never condone an affair, because communicating when things go wrong should always be the way to go, but I will say that it takes two to make a marriage work and I have no doubt that you're not blameless.

 

So if, as you say, you love your wife enough to 'make her get out on her own' and you're obviously prepared to support her while she learns to stand on her own two feet, do both yourself and her a favour and either get in to marriage counselling or separate properly. The journey to rebuilding yourself and your life won't start until you do.

Edited July 20, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Butterflair]

Wow, you sound so much like me (except for meeting an old flame). When I ended my marriage in Nov, I was done. I felt nothing. I have no hate or anger, I just want to move on.

 

Please don't have an affair, don't put someone else through that. I've decided I will never sleep with a married man, I don't want to be the OW to someone else. Haven't reached that point yet but this has all changed my perspective.

[solitary_man]

there's only one place an emotional affair takes you... you may think you're an exception. maybe you are. But is she, too? You both just happen to be two exceptions to the rule? It will ruin her marriage. Even if you don't act out upon it any more than spending time together, you're still taking her mind and heart away from where it should be, and she's letting you. You know what happens to a car when the paint is nicked? Hard to see the damage at first, but in time it starts to rust and that one little nick can end up causing irreparable damage.

 

sorry if i sound a little harsh. it's only because i can be a judgmental pr1ck sometimes.

 

You comment that your wife is scared. She is. It's difficult to walk that tightrope without a safety net. I remember that all too well. If it's truly over, you're doing her no favors by enabling her emotional laziness. And you're doing yourself no favors by remaining in a dead end relationship you honestly don't care about.

 

I hope things improve for you. Just remember happiness usually comes down to the decisions you make for yourself. Most of us already recognize that, but it's easy to lose perspective in these situations.

[SoMovinOn]

From what you've written here it doesn't sound as though you are moving on at all. The reason you don't feel a sense of loss is because you haven't actually lost anything - yet!

 

I will agree with that to an extent. On the other hand, we, not just I, have lost a lot. We lost the marriage we used to have. We lost the trust we used to have. We lost knowing there was someone we could count on. ...

 

I lived exactly like this with my stbxh for a very short while and I can tell you that you aren't 'separated' at all. When you do separate, even if it is just to start sleeping in different rooms and stop 'going out' together you will notice the difference. It's a whole different ball game.

 

I am sure that once we become physically separated, and when we have to do things that make it real, like sign divorce papers, it will be a whole new ball game, it will be difficult, and it will hurt.

 

 

Dating other people when you are still sleeping (and having sex with) your wife is a little unfair on the people you are dating. Do they know the full situation?

 

I'm just dating one woman. She is completely aware of my situation.

 

 

With regards to your old love - presumably there was a reason it didn't work out the first time?

 

Not really, unless you consider me being a moron. She was awesome & did everything right. I only saw her on the weekends because of distance. During the week, I spent time with every other girl I could get my hands on. I was young, horny, living life in the fast lane, planning on being a rock star and dying young. If anything, I thought she was too good for me, and I was bad for her. I thought she could do and deserved better than me.

 

There was no official end. I got another girl pregnant. I thought marrying her was the only right thing to do (it wasn't). Me and my G/F continued to see each other for 2 years after I got married. I was, technically, not cheating on my wife as she was entirely aware of the situation. (we don't even need to get into all that lifestyle here).

 

Our "split" was simply that I moved to another state and just quit calling her. She spent 30 years wondering what happened.

 

If anything, one might wonder why she felt anything for me all these years, after the way I treated her and the way I left without saying anything. I am rather surprised she looked for me now and would even consider talking to me now, much less anything else. ... which isn't to say I haven't caught more than a bit of hell from her about our past.

 

 

It seems to me that both of you are just using each other to fill an emotional void. Be careful if you choose to pursue this relationship - she, at least, is having an affair, even it is just emotional at this stage, and honestly, she really would be crazy to leave her husband for you when you're still sleeping with your wife.

 

I'm not sure what we're doing. Aside from me being a moron all those years ago, we were very good together. We are very different in many ways, but we work together like no one else I have ever been with. She says it is the same for her. When we got back together now, it is still very much the same.

 

As for leaving her husband, should she ever decide to do so, it can only be because of what is between her and him. She could not, should not, leave "for me"... it has to be something she'd do regardless of whether or not I'd be there.

 

 

It doesn't surprise me at all that you are happy, content and enjoying life. You have your cake and you're eating it too. You're effectively married, with the freedom to date other women, and you're 'in love' with an OW too.

 

Yes.

 

So your wife was unfaithful and I'm sure a lot of people on here would say she no longer deserves your respect because of that. I would never condone an affair, because communicating when things go wrong should always be the way to go, but I will say that it takes two to make a marriage work and I have no doubt that you're not blameless.

 

I am. I've never cheated on her. Never did anything but love her and make her my entire world. She fell in love/lust with another guy a couple years after we got married (but never did anything about it). In 2000 she got addicted to cyber-sex and spent most of her days and nights having "sex" online, but never went beyond that.

 

My mom had a hear attack. My dad died. My mom was going through hell trying to deal with it. I was very depressed in the months after he died. After a couple of months of that, my wife decided I wasn't being everything she needed me to be, so she tried out the guy she had been in love/lust with all those years. He didn't fit the bill, so she went after someone she knew from work. He didn't fit the bill. She tried a friend of hers. He didn't work. She tried another friend of hers. He didn't work. Then she tried my best friend, and he was just right. ... until he dumped her out of guilt.

 

While she was busy doing all that, she failed to notice I got past the loss of my dad. Somewhere among all that, my mom died. I handled that well. Had my wife been involved in our marriage, she would have noticed.

 

You bet I was blameless. My wife was a selfish pig.

 

If you could ask her right now, my wife would tell you I am the most awesome husband a woman could ever want. She would tell you how much time she spends in therapy working on dealing with the fact that she screwed it all up, and I'm leaving her.

 

 

So if, as you say, you love your wife enough to 'make her get out on her own' and you're obviously prepared to support her while she learns to stand on her own two feet, do both yourself and her a favour and either get in to marriage counselling or separate properly.

 

I would love to separate properly. I would love to get her out of my life completely. It just isn't financially possible right now, and I won't throw her out on the street (although she very much fears I will do exactly that, even though I have assured her I will not, ever).

[SoMovinOn]

Please don't have an affair, don't put someone else through that.

 

I don't want to have an affair. I don't want HER to have an affair (although, she pretty much is already). I don't want her to ever go through dealing with the fallout. I don't ever want her to earn the label "Cheater". She isn't like that and I don't want her to compromise herself for me.

 

I'll admit, it feeds my ego to know that she would even consider doing so. I know she's had other opportunities and offers and passed on all of them. I know she has been faithful and committed to her husband, and to every guy she has been in a relationship up until now.

 

If my marriage was stable and we had not had the issues we had, I would say it would have been very difficult for me to stay away from this woman, even though I had never even considered any other woman in the 17 years we were married.

 

Us being back together feels like how it is supposed to be. It makes everything else about our lives feel "wrong".

 

I don't know what we're going to do about it.

 

Changes in our marital status, if they ever happen, will take time. I am pretty sure, before that happens, she and I will get involved in a physical affair.

[cavedweller]

SoMovingOn,

 

1..You are not moving on..

 

2..You have too many women and too much drama in your life..

 

3..You need to file divorce papers and get a handle on all of this..

[SoMovinOn]

there's only one place an emotional affair takes you... you may think you're an exception. maybe you are. But is she, too? You both just happen to be two exceptions to the rule?

 

Interesting that you brought that up. She knew almost nothing about affairs when we got back together. She had never heard of an emotional affair. As we talked about where things were going, spending time together, what we were going to do, I pointed out to her we were heading down the road to a physical affair. I told her 99% of the people in our situation would end up that way. Her response was "So let's be the other 1%"... and I told her that wasn't going to happen.

 

It was probably less than a couple of weeks later, after the first kiss we'd both wondered about for years (would it be the same?)... I asked her "What about the 1%?" ... and she responded "Just kissing... nothing beyond that."

 

... and then it may have only been a couple weeks after that when she moved that line a bit.

 

I had a conversation with her then... Whether you climb slowly down the side or dive head first into the hole, you still end up at the bottom of a hole in the end.

 

We both struggle with this. We know what's "right", but... right feels wrong.

 

 

It will ruin her marriage.

 

Her spouse is doing a fine job of that on his own. They will likely split up eventually. Knowing she knows that, I would think she'd just do it now and avoid us having to sneak around and end up having an affair. ... but, she has to do it in her own time, when she's ready. I stay out of that end of it, other than to tell her she has options right now, if we have an affair and he finds out (which, I am sure he will), then HE gets to make the decisions and she loses her options (i.e., he could tell her to get the hell out right then and there).

 

 

sorry if i sound a little harsh. it's only because i can be a judgmental pr1ck sometimes.

 

You are much less harsh on me than I am on myself at times. This is one of the most difficult situations I have ever dealt with. I fully expected, coming here and posting publicly, to get some harsh responses. I'm fine with that.

 

You comment that your wife is scared. She is. It's difficult to walk that tightrope without a safety net.

 

She should have thought of that before she decided to screw up. I have a saying she knows well "You can do whatever you want, as long as you are willing to accept any and ALL consequences"

 

Her favorite saying right now is "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." ... referring to her wishing to leave a couple of years ago.

 

 

If it's truly over, you're doing her no favors by enabling her emotional laziness. And you're doing yourself no favors by remaining in a dead end relationship you honestly don't care about.

 

I get that. It is another of my struggles. I love her. I can't stop doing that. Because I love her, I care about her and want to take care of her - just as I have been doing for the past 17 years. Some times I wish I could be a cold hearted pr1ck and just tell her to get out... but I can't. I won't. ... even though maybe that would be the best thing.

 

 

I hope things improve for you. Just remember happiness usually comes down to the decisions you make for yourself. Most of us already recognize that, but it's easy to lose perspective in these situations.

 

Oddly, I am happy. ... or, as someone else pointed out, of course I'm happy, I get to have it all right now. I get that.

 

As for things improving... I have no idea where this will all end up. No matter what, it's going to be screwed up for a while, and some people, maybe everyone, will end up hurt in the end.

[SoMovinOn]

SoMovingOn,

 

1..You are not moving on..

 

2..You have too many women and too much drama in your life..

 

3..You need to file divorce papers and get a handle on all of this..

 

 

True Cave... but that would be so boring and simple, wouldn't it?

 

The core of the problem is the three of us (me, wife & G/F) are all dancing around the issue of making a decision one way or the other because we are all wondering which decision we will not regret later.

[SoMovinOn]

STBXW has thrown more of a monkey wrench into all this. Her therapy seems to be helping. We've had some very open and honest discussions which would have been impossible even a few weeks ago. She is "fixing things", figuring things out about herself, "getting better"...

 

For the past week, she's been all about me and us. She misses me when I'm at work. I get texts, emails and phone calls all day long. She can't wait for me to get home. She wants to know what *we* are doing tonight or this weekend. She's reading books on marriage, relationships, how to avoid a divorce...

 

... and I hate it.

 

I hate it because I am done with her. She missed, deliberately, every opportunity she had to do all these things, to do the right things. She worked long and hard to destroy us, to convince me to not like her, to make me not trust her...

 

The worst part is, maybe this is just another game. Maybe she just can't stand knowing I have with OW what she and I once had. Maybe it's not so much that she wants me, but that she doesn't want someone else to have me. Whatever... if it's love, I shouldn't have to think about it and question it this much.

 

I just want her gone. I've allowed her to stay here to give her time to find a job and get her life together. She's using it for everything else.

 

She emailed OW... supposedly just an innocent, helpful thing... but I know her intentions were malicious. It could have easily caused issues in the OW's marriage. I was so pissed. I wanted to throw her out on the street right then. ... but, I won't do that.

 

I try to be a nice guy, help her out, and it just keeps costing me emotionally.

 

I have no idea how to get out of this now. I'm at the point of just wanting to run away - disappear from society, become a gypsy, living nowhere.

[You Go Girl]

You're a man who goes after what he wants. You're not timid by a long shot. You're used to getting what you want too.

I know. I'm a similar woman.

Now comes the tough part. Other's feelings. Not being selfish.

 

Your wife wants to work it out. If you're done, say so. She wouldn't continue on with all this effort if you were honest. Break her heart now, break it hard, and never go back. Give her the time she needs to find employment. Stop thinking you can just throw her out. She's not fast food, she's a person. She has every right to be in that house, legally. So quit the tough talk that you are going to toss her out. You don't even have that right legally, in otherwords, you're full of bs when you think you can just push other people around.

The OW...cut her loose too. She needs to figure out what's missing in her marriage, and the old playboy calling her up and tempting her like no devil on her shoulder could, isn't doing her one bit of good. If she ever ends her marriage on her own, without you in her life, she'll find you if she wants to. You are nothing but poison to her marriage.

So there you go. That's what you end up with realistically, nobody. Not the wife, not the OW. When you face the truth, you'll see it. Damn if it doesn't destroy that ego though.

This is what will happen when you care for others besides yourself. Sorry if I sound harsh. But as a woman who has always succeeded to get the man she wants, I know what you are all about. It's time to consider others.

I'm working on me. I'm no saint, but I've come a long way to being considerate and compassionate. You need to do the same.

[spriggig]

YGG is spot on. OP needs to stop dicking around with the hearts of women he supposedly cares about.

 

It could have easily caused issues in the OW's marriage. I was so pissed.

WHAT?! She is going to "cause issues"? WTF are YOU doing? Counseling the OW to have a better marriage? BS! You're the one who's cheating with her--don't matter how you polish that turd, you're cheating and that is low and disgusting.

 

If your wife were on this site, she'd be told to contact the OW and expose the affair. She is doing the right thing, you're in the wrong here.

Edited August 1, 2010 by spriggig

[SoMovinOn]

YGG, Sprig... I can't disagree with any of your comments.

 

What you're missing YGG is I just recently made a conscious choice to be selfish. Yes... I have been used to getting what I want for most of my life, but at the same time, I've always been one to give. Whether it be in relationships with other people, on the job... whatever... I gave and gave and gave, expecting nothing in return.

 

Almost every time, I got the bonus plan. In addition to getting nothing in return, I got abused, **** on, taken for granted... and after all the BS with my stbxw's affairs and all her other stupidity, I've decided I'm done with giving.

 

Now, I use my stbxw for what I want or need, and give her the cold shoulder when I have no use for her.

 

With the OW... at the beginning, I thought we should do things the right way, keep it as just friends, or, if we couldn't do that, stay away. ... but, over time, I wondered why we'd do that. It's not what she wants. It's not what I want. Are we being selfish? Hell yes. ... but then, either of us could be dead tomorrow. We could do things the right way, and maybe, somewhere years down the road, get together. During those years, anything can happen.

 

OW made somewhat of an attempt to do things somewhat right - she talked to her H about a separation. His response was that he'd never let her leave, that if she left him, he'd "Go postal". ... so she backed off that idea.

 

But, yes... every comment everyone made here is right. What we are doing is wrong. Dragging things out with stbxw is wrong. This whole thing is probably going to blow up in our faces at some time in the future. If we don't get caught by doing something careless, or just dumb luck, I'm sure my stbxw will find some reason to be pissed off at me and blow the cover off the whole thing. She can easily do that. I'm a dumbass for being honest enough with her to allow her that position.

 

That's another thing I'm done with... honesty. It gets you nowhere, or worse.

 

I have become the lying, deceitful, piece of **** I ragged on my wife & friend (one of the guys she had an affair with) for being. I don't like that, but, I've learned it's very true that nice guys finish last.

 

OW's H has a habit of saying "... that's OK, I know she's coming home with me." He said it once when we were all together. She and I had stepped out for a smoke. Someone joked him that she and I were going out to make out. His response was "That's OK. I know she's coming home with me."

 

I take that as a challenge.

 

Not finishing last any more. I'd rather be the ****ter than the **** on.

[wrencn]

If the OW husband says he will go postal if she leaves him what do you think he'll do to her (and you) if he catches y'all? Don't be a thief, she isn't yours for the taking.

[just_some_guy]

I see "same frame, different picture" in your very near future.

[SoMovinOn]

If the OW husband says he will go postal if she leaves him what do you think he'll do to her (and you) if he catches y'all? Don't be a thief, she isn't yours for the taking.

 

I saw her first!

 

Actually, she isn't his either. She's a person. She doesn't belong to anyone.

[wrencn]

I saw her first!

 

Actually, she isn't his either. She's a person. She doesn't belong to anyone.

 

Agree to disagree then. I believe a wife belongs to her husband and vice versa. I'm also an atheist before you assume I'm a religious zealot).

 

Good luck to you. Enjoy the high while it lasts.

[spriggig]

Agree to disagree then. I believe a wife belongs to her husband and vice versa. I'm also an atheist before you assume I'm a religious zealot).

 

Good luck to you. Enjoy the high while it lasts.

 

I agree in a way.

 

The primary emotional commitment of a married person should be first to themselves, then to their own kids, then spouse and finally immediate family--mom, dad, siblings, etc.

 

I think people who mix up this order have a lot of problems in their lives.

 

EDIT: Oh, I'm also atheist, so keep me off that bandwagon too. Or, on the one I belong on or whatever. Don't really get bandwagons.

[karnak]

Agree to disagree then. I believe a wife belongs to her husband and vice versa. I'm also an atheist before you assume I'm a religious zealot).

 

Good luck to you. Enjoy the high while it lasts.

 

I think I know what you mean. But slavery is (fortunately) banished in most countries (at least in its old whip and chains fashion).

 

No-one belongs to anyone. You stay with someone because you want to. If you don't, you can leave.

 

I guess you mean that a married person's main focus should be towards the spouse. Sorry if I misunderstood you.

[wrencn]

I'm speaking figuratively fellas.

[karnak]

I'm speaking figuratively fellas.

 

I know you were. I think you also got our point. We're all thinking more or less the same.

[wrencn]

I know you were. I think you also got our point. We're all thinking more or less the same.

Roger that. Out.