How to fix - great relationship but pressure caused her to run

[solo123]

Background -

We had an amazing relationship full of closeness and it felt right/'real' in a way that can't be fixed. Were together for four months and started off fast and started talking serious fast. No games, met the family, etc. She works 70 hours a week but still made time to see me most all weekend, one night during the week, nightly calls, texts, etc. She cooked whenever I was around, was affectionate to the point of basically living in my arms, and honestly we shared something amazing.

 

Problems -

She's not the best at communicating, especially in conflict. I had relationship anxiety and would always dig and analyze things, something she couldn't handle well. I gave a lot, and expected a lot, which she could deliver 'over time' but I was always impatient digging into things, making her questions herself and her issues and past relationships to make sure she can 'love right' instead of just loving her over time and letting our actions dictate things.

 

The split -

The night after a midnight talk from me about commitment and how I've been disappointed in the past when people don't keep their word, I left her place to go to work with all seemingly well. That night she called and said that she can't be in this relationship right now because she's not sure how committed she is and doesn't want to disappoint me in a year or so. Says she's not 'feeling' what she should be at this point, which I don't agree with because I felt it FROM her. Frame of reference - we're both mid 30's, she's only had two long relationships before this (one failed marriage, one long rebound) and I've had plenty. Trust me, we had something. Maybe she was scared of disappointing me down the road. Maybe she was worried that I'm the first guy that a life with/marriage with seemed real post-her divorce?

 

Now-

Split was 20 days ago. I did the 'wrong things' I guess - tried logic, kept pushing every few days on the phone. Of course, didn't work. Did casual texts every few days and tried to setup a casual coffee meeting or something. She's works a lot and has family in town for past week along with coming three weeks.

 

Suggestions-

I wake up every morning at 6'ish (hour before I need to) tossing and turning for past three weeks. I really don't want to do the whole 'no-contact' thing - if I saw her I think I could start reviving. Tips? I really want her to make time to see me but b/w work and her family staying at her place I think it's making it easier for HER to do NC and force herself to move on. Any good advice would be helpful.

 

Yes, I work out, have tried dating others, etc. but this is truly one of the 50 or so people in every town that one can have an amazing life with, and I found one of my 50 after a LOT of work/dating and this is the one I want - and I hate the fact that I pushed her away with anxiety.

[robaday]

I broke up with my last girlfriend for similar reasons-she put WAY too much pressure on me, and to be honest I actually resented her for it.

 

I worked 60+ hrs a week+freelance on top+a strict exercise regime. I explained this all to her at the start and told her if she wanted it to work, she would have to be understanding of where I was at.

 

She wasn't. I was made to feel like I was useless, like I neglected her, like I was lazy, like I didn't care, like she was going to cheat unless I made more effort to see her during the week.

 

In fact, my self esteem took a major blow. I warned her but she did not listen. When I broke up with her she did not acknowledge that she was to blame for anything, did not acknowledge that I had warned her that her guilt trips were scaring me away.

 

I cannot say for certain that I would have been willing to give it another go if she had been willing to work on her independence, but it would have made me think twice about breaking up with her, as would some honesty or understanding on her part but there wasn't. The fact you acknowledge your behavior scared her is good, the question is are you actually willing to work around someone who's schedule takes up so much of their time? or will the same issues come up again? what do you do when she is working late? Is three times a week enough for you? it wasn't for my ex......

[GrayClouds]

How to fix - great relationship

Sadly that is a oxymoron, and even if somehow that was true it would take 100% commitment from her to do so and she as already said she is not going to give that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS. I know your hurting and desperate but it is discourage to double post in different forums.

[solo123]

Robaday - absolutely I'd be willing to work with it. Three times a week is more than enough because I do see how we were getting absorbed with each other and neglecting our own lives, and it's not a sustainable way to do it.

 

I think that was a part of it, that she didn't feel comfortable after a while doing her own thing thinking I would get offended and I have newfound commitment to making sure it doesn't happen again, whether with her or someone else.

 

My problem is that she's a woman and driven by emotion, not logic, if she broke down the reasons she got pushed away and I could convince her that they wouldn't happen again and show her, then presto we're done. Unfortunately, the wrong 'frame' is created where it seems like I'm chasing her/trying to change her mind so of course she'll get defensive/move away more.

[GrayClouds]

I'm chasing her/trying to change her mind so of course she'll get defensive/move away more.

 

You are starting to sound needed at best and controlling at worst. Of course she is a women with emotion. Try to find one that is not. And your a guy with emotion, and frankly you being driving by those emotions more then you think.

 

Do you not see the more you try to CONVINCE her, they more desperate, needed, control and emotionally unstable you will seem.

 

So what advice are you looking to hear?

[solo123]

GrayClouds- Thanks for the tell it like it is style

 

What advice am I looking for? How to get her to come spent some in-person time with me so I can see if the chemistry is still there? If it's there, I'll build on it. If it's not, I'll walk away.

 

You gotta understand - one night four months in things are amazing, she's so tired from her day but kissing me repeatedly just to 'be with me' while we're going to bed and the next day she just says she thinks she wants to be single after listening to one of my 'commitment and what it means' rants. It doesn't fit.

 

Instead of going down there that night and talking her off a ledge I left it for a day or two, tried to fix over the phone a few times and now am in this purgatory.

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds- Thanks for the tell it like it is style

 

What advice am I looking for? How to get her to come spent some in-person time with me so I can see if the chemistry is still there? If it's there, I'll build on it. If it's not, I'll walk away.

 

You gotta understand - one night four months in things are amazing, she's so tired from her day but kissing me repeatedly just to 'be with me' while we're going to bed and the next day she just says she thinks she wants to be single after listening to one of my 'commitment and what it means' rants. It doesn't fit.

 

Instead of going down there that night and talking her off a ledge I left it for a day or two, tried to fix over the phone a few times and now am in this purgatory.

 

So if you see the chemistry and she still not interested then what? Are you thinking you can read her mind to what she wants? You will build on it, what about what she wants?

Understand seeing her will not give you answers it will only lead to more questions.

 

This is the same argument you were having before the break-up. Now she is having it farther way. You are not listening to her, she has told you she does not want to commit. No matter how many time or different ways you stomp your feat she is not going to give you what you want. Again needed at best and controlling at worst

You did not feel secure in the relationship because, as great as it felt, she was not committed to it like you were. You did not feel secure because it was not secure, it feel apart in 4 months. Understand if YOU felt secure in the relationship there would not have been any 'commitment and what it means' rants. A break up never is one thing, in time you will see she was moving on long before that "one night". If it all come down to that night, it was hanging by a tread at best.

 

If you want out of purgatory, you not her has the key. Understand it is over and start working on yourself. It hurts, it hard, it goes against everything we believe when this is happening but 'acceptance' is the key your looking for.

Edited July 20, 2010 by GrayClouds

[solo123]

If I see the chemistry then I would want to initiate the physical and not put pressure on the situation/create 'labels' for what we are for a while until she is comfortable again in our dynamic.

 

Worst part is, my reasons for feeling insecure in the relationship had nothing to do with her actions/lack of but rather relationship anxiety and some pseudo love/romance addict behaviors that I had not quite identified at that point along with how to break out of the patterns.

 

I get it and it makes sense and I know things could be different if she showed some openness and faith. I can't explain this all too her though, she gets overwhelmed easy with this type of talk - self awareness and self introspection aren't her strong suits. It is a long shot, but I need to show her over time that the love addict behaviors are dealt with.

[GrayClouds]

If I see the chemistry then I would want to initiate the physical and not put pressure on the situation/create 'labels' for what we are for a while until she is comfortable again in our dynamic.

 

It sound like you read some "How to Get Your EX" $19.99 ebook. You have this plan to persuade, manipulate her to be with you. Does that sound like true love?

 

It is a long shot, but I need to show her over time that the love addict behaviors are dealt with.

 

Do you hear how controlling this sounds. Again it it the same controlling behavior that push her away. Forget trying to get her back, forget trying to fix, change, persuade her. Focus on you, to spend a good deal of time and effort understand this behavior and find healthier patterns so you do not repeat your mistakes.