How To Handle Friends And Non-Marital Sex

[Matt]

Hi. Basically I have a somewhat unusual problem - I hate the idea of women (I am male) having sex outside of very serious relationships or marriage, and this is interfering with my ability to make new female friends. Technically this isn't jealousy - I am not involved with any girls at the moment, and obviously I don't have concerns about a cheating girlfriend. But I cannot bring myself to get along with a woman if I know she has slept with alot of guys, or is intimate with any random Joe.

 

The best example I can give is a current situation I am in. I have a female friend who I care about (just as a friend), and she has her eyes on a guy at her place of work. She has told me all about how she got drunk at a club with him and ended up making out, but she told me nothing more. Strangely, I found myself very annoyed and hated the idea of her fooling around with this guy. There is absolutely no sexual or romantic attraction with this girl on my part, yet I still despise imagining her having sex (I don't know if she has had sex with him, although I suspect they have). They have been having problems though, and she told me that there are tons of guys who flirt with her and are ready to 'have some fun' as soon as she gives the word. But she wants to work things out with this guy and she said that was the only thing stopping her from fooling around with a boy from her dorm. (Another thing that irked me was that she only wanted beer from this boy. She was gonna tease and rile him up so she could get beer.) The problem with this, is how easily I can get agitated and just refuse to talk to her, and generally hate her, while she has no idea about any of it.

 

Now, I know that it is normal for young people to have fun and sample different people before settling down later in life (personally I'm not like that). I know that she has real feelings for this guy, but I still can't stand the thought of this guy being in her. I think this all started with, embarrassingly, porn. I envision every man using girls to get pleasure for himself, as though men make love to women, instead of both man and woman making with each other. But there's gotta be more to it. I just can't figure out why I feel like this.

 

This is the same for any other girl. I don't even have to know a female for me to get annoyed at her sexual adventures....even though I know fully that it is none of my business, and that it isn't actually 'wrong'. There are other emotions I feel, such as hating guys looking at my girl, and getting jealous easily of who my girl hangs around with (although, there is no girl at the moment) - but I can view other threads regarding these matters.

 

So, I was hoping for advice on how to handle my feelings. Thanks.

[carla]

It sounds to me that you have been born a hundred years to late. You have old fashion values. There is nothing wrong with that if more people thought like you we probably wouldn't have all of the unwanted pregnancies and STD's that go with todays society. There is not a whole lot you can do about it, you just have to realise that it is a part of todays society. I'm sure that you will find a girl that has the same morals as you. I don't think you will find them at a bar, church maybe but not bar. Good Luck.

P.S. Tell your friend that you perfer not to hear about her encounters with men. That you feel should be kept between the 2 people involved.

[dyermaker]

I don't think your values are something to be ashamed of at all. I think the complex that causes you to desire to PUSH your values onto everyone you know does need to be addressed.

 

I tend to have the same feelings about sex as you do. I've just learned to not hold the entire planet to my own moral standards, it's rude, and people don't like it. If you can't recognize that, perhaps you should see a counselor? I don't mean that in a derogatory way, people can help you.

[midori]

I'm not a guy so I can't tell you if this is a common phenomenon, but it's certainly not something I've experienced regarding guys I know. I'll just tell you what it sounds like to me.

 

Two things, possibly related to each other. It sounds to me as though maybe you're a bit anxious about sex generally, that you see it as somewhat taboo -- even if it's something you enjoy engaging in yourself. Do you feel such revulsion when you see a woman you know smoking a cigarette -- certainly something that is more directly dangerous to her health than sex (unless she's very stupid about sex), but which doesn't have the same kind of taboos around it that sex does.

 

The other thing that occurs to me is that you don't really view women as three-dimensional people. You see them as sexual beings, and if you have some issues with sex itself, obviously you're going to have problems dealing with women, especially when sex is specifically brought up.

 

I know you're not suggesting that it's the women's fault that you have these thoughts, but I just want to say it anyway: it's nothing to do with women themselves. It's about how you view women, and likely how you view sex too.

 

A lot of people are made uncomfortable by sex, especially if they're not very experienced. This is true for men and women; it was true for me. I was relatively older, compared to my age peers, when I started having sex, and while I was a virgin discussing it on a personal level with friends who did have it unnerved me. It took me a while to get fully comfortable with it -- the idea of it, not just the act itself. Sex makes you vulnerable on many levels, in my experience there is always emotion involved, even if it's not love. So I think it's not surprising or unusual to find the idea of sex to be unsettling.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest that would help you to stop seeing women first and foremost as sexual beings (if indeed that's what's going on with you). Maybe if you get over your anxiety where sex is concerned you'll find it easier to interact with women without being disturbed by thoughts of sex. But that's what it sounds like to me. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Probably the more you think about it the worse you'll make it.

[meanon]

I still can't stand the thought of this guy being in her. I think this all started with, embarrassingly, porn. I envision every man using girls to get pleasure for himself, as though men make love to women, instead of both man and woman making with each other. But there's gotta be more to it

 

Well there is probably more to it in terms of identifying why you feel this way but this quote sums up what the problem is, in my view.

 

I agree with Midori that it seems unusual to be unable to swtch off from seeing women you are not attracted to as sexual beings. You imply that it is only ones you view as being promiscuous that you have this problem with. So this is either something to do with deep seated anxiety about promiscuity (rather than just thinking it's not for you and yours) or that promiscuity triggers anxiety about domination/sex for gratification that is somehow kept under wraps when the sex is demonstrably an expression of love amongst equals.

 

Does this sound likely? I'm uncomfortable about speculating further about such a personal subject without checking if I've misinterpred.

[SoleMate]

I agree with what most of the posters have said. I wanted to add that there may be a chance you are seeking out people of the type that bothers you, and you are seeking out conversations that give you information you don't want. In other words, I am sure that there are girls and guys at your college who aren't "promiscuous" according to your definition. You could choose to have them as freinds. Alternatively, you could be less selective of your friends, but avoid having discussions of sexual behavior. I understand it's a college environment, but still, you can always steer a 1:1 conversation towards another topic - IF YOU CAN THINK OF ONE.

 

My point is that you may be voyeuristic, in wanting to hear about all these adventures that seemingly disgust you but also fascinate and delight you, perhaps?

 

"...I think this all started with, embarrassingly, porn. I envision every man using girls to get pleasure for himself..."

Yes, that certainly is the impression 99.99% of porn will give. Men are the active participants, and women are the passive, often despised vessels of pleasure to be used and discarded. It's healthy to reject that view of both male and female sexuality. And I can understand that you would not want to think of a friend being used like a spittoon.

 

Your automatic thoughts will cause you a lot of trouble in relationships if they are not corrected. You will not want to defile a woman you really love and respect by penetrating her... What can you do to develop a healthier and more realistic view of sex? Please read some cognitive therapy books by Aaron Beck.

[faux]

To relate to the situation: Just this past Friday I was talking to a a very nice girl. She ended up letting my friend hang all over her, and fooled around with him. I lost a lot of respect for her that night, seeing as those two had just met and had no intentions of bringing it further. It didn't seem to mean anything to either of them.

 

I'll hear about similar things as you have and get a bit upset. I keep it to myself however, because not everyone is like me. She's still a nice girl and she can do what she wants. I don't have to like it but she, nor my friend, need to hear that from me.

 

In my situation I just find it a little uncomfortable, but something that I can deal with. I don't think I have the strict beliefs that you do, but I can try to relate.

 

Some of the things you are describing seem a little complex. As Dyermaker recommended, perhaps a professional could help you sort out these feelings and show you how best to handle them. If this is bothering you it may be a good idea to look into that.