I'm Tired of Using Myself...Hope?

[Spectral]

Hi,

 

This is the first time I've posted on LoveShack. I wanted to talk about things I've been too ashamed to talk about, ever, because I wish these things were different.

 

When I was 19 years old I lost my virginity in a bathroom stall in a nightclub.

It was probably the worst experience of my life (and I've had plenty of challenges to face over the course of my life).

 

The reason why it was so terrible was because I felt like the only way a man would ever (or had ever) pay/paid attention to me, was if (and when) I got on my knees in a dirty bathroom stall and gave him oral sex.

 

That was also the night of my first kiss.

 

I never knew who the man was, but the few minutes I spent with him in that bathroom constituted the first sexual encounters I ever had.

 

I never had a boyfriend before. I haven't had a boyfriend since- I'm now 25 (it's been 6 years).

 

I'm a loving, accomplished, well-educated person (in fact, I am an educator). But I've never had a real relationship. I've never been on a date. I've never known of a man who liked and valued me.

 

But I still have a sex drive.

 

Every few months I go on sex binges. I can't take being alone and celibate for so long, so I'll have anonymous sex with men I meet online.

 

I never wanted this.

 

I know better is out there, but a man who actually cares for me has never come along.

 

I hate risking my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health by having anonymous, casual sex.

 

But it feels like that's all there is in store for me.

 

It's so hard to wait when I feel like I might be waiting forever.

 

I just turned 25, and I told myself that everything is ok- if I'm still alone at 30, I can just kill myself.

 

I don't want to think this way!

 

But sometimes life is unbearably lonely (despite having family, and close long-term friends).

 

Does anybody else know how this feels?

Does anybody else have advice on how to cope, on how to love myself more?

[SakenPT]

like i said in a previus post, being too easy is bad!

 

cheers

[Enchanted Girl]

I know how this feels. I didn't have actual sexual relationships with people, but I did have a lot of meaningless cyber partners on the internet before I got into a real relationship. I hated them, but I was so desperate because I was so alone.

 

Don't settle for the crap. Believe you are better than that. If you believe that you can't get anything better than this, then you won't get anything better.

 

Also, take some initiative. Don't sit around and wait to be asked out, ask out guys yourself or at the very least flirt with them (I asked my boyfriend out myself.) Join some normal dating sites. Not hook-up sites (or however you are meeting these men.) Ask to be set-up on blind dates with friends. Do whatever you can to meet a guy. The passive approach doesn't work.

 

You'll have some bad relationships possibly and get rejected some, but being rejected isn't bad. It means you are trying and eventually you'll be successful.

 

I promise you that there's some guy out there who could love you, but you have to work for it.

[TouchedByViolet]

Sounds like you have many challenges to overcome. You deserve to be happy.

 

Seek professional help. Your problems are a lot more than you have posted and a lot more severe than you think, based on your behavior. Good luck

[tman666]

Sounds like you have many challenges to overcome. You deserve to be happy.

 

Seek professional help. Your problems are a lot more than you have posted and a lot more severe than you think, based on your behavior. Good luck

 

I would agree with this. I also think that it's very important that you learn to be satisfied and even happy being by yourself for a while. When you rely on others for validation and fulfillment, you will be let down. This doesn't mean that a good partner won't help with these things. However, you cannot rely on other people as your sole "boost". If you do, you open the door for people using you for whatever they can squeeze out of you in a short amount of time.

 

Get help, work on healing, and leave your past in the past.

[stillafool]

Loneliness for some people is unbearable and I really feel for you. If that is you in the avatar you are a very pretty woman. I'm surprised that friends and relatives don't introduce you to eligible men. Do you have any hobbies that would put you around others? Do you attend church or similar? Do you have close female friends? Do you socialize? You are still young and have time to meet a nice man. Don't give up but get off line and get out there.

[quankanne]

for some reason – one you need to discern – your self-esteem is low, and you're using casual sex to make you feel better about yourself. Believe me, it's not something you're gonna be proud of 20-30 years down the line because you will come to realize that you sold yourself short every time you engaged in those meaningless encounters with guys you never gave yourself a chance to actually get to know. Especially when you *do* get in a satisfying relationship with someone who'll show you just how special sex is ...

 

stop beating yourself for lacking whatever it is you feel you lack, and for heaven's sake, don't sell yourself short. You more than deserve the love that goes along with sex, not random encounters!