I have to face my father

[ShoeGirl]

I have posted on here several times about my biological father... Long story short my parents divorced when I was just about 4, my life has been full of lie after lie and empty promises since that time. I was nearly forced to drop out of college with some of the highest grades in my classes because of him. After gaining the courage to get away from the stress... and much encouragement from people here I have had no contact with him in just over 2 years. I was told that there will be a family gathering that I have to attend in October... he will be there as well.

 

I have had a significantly decreased stress level for the last 2 years, it has sky rocketed just thinking about this family event. I am not sure how to handle this... so I am back here for advise, encouragement, what ever I can get, mostly because this is where I got the courage to begin with.

[Pyro]

You are now much older and wiser. You obviously can take care of yourself. You never had to depend on him for anything, so what can he offer you now?

 

I know its easier said than done to deal with him, but just knowing that there isn't anything that he can do for you now would make it easier to have to deal with him.

 

At least its a one time gathering.

 

Hope that this has helped at least somewhat.

[Clep]

Why do you have to attend the gathering? I have two parents that are not good at all for me to be around emotionally. I usually look at the event and decide if it will cause me too much stress to go or if it will cause more stress for me to miss the event. I don't have to do anything that stresses me.

[Trimmer]

I'm not trying to start an argument with you, just exploring options: you were "told" there was a family event that you "have to" attend...

 

Were you told that you have to attend, or were you told about the event, and you have decided for yourself, of your own free will, that you have chosen to attend?

 

I'm just trying to understand the parameters here, in terms of who is controlling your need to attend. Do you really want to, or is it being thrust upon you? For your own sake, could you conceivably say no?

[ShoeGirl]

Pyro -

 

There is nothing that he can offer me now, I plan on avoiding him at all costs and hopefully not getting into an argument and causing a scene.

 

You are always one to make good points

 

 

Clep and Trimmer -

 

Sorry, I was intentionally being vague in case my family is reading on here as they had a tendency to do and may still, although now that I think about it they probably know my name and obviously will know the event... so it's my grandma's birthday. I was told about the event at a small family gathering for my birthday over the weekend. I reacted with "Oh, so you are going to make me face my father"

 

I would love to chose not to go but I would not know how to explain that to her, also there are other members of our family (by marriage) who have not met my father who are being told they are going by their spouses so it was said that we could go as a group and leave early but we needed to make an appearance. We have a decent excuse as most of us work M-F, the party is on Sunday afternoon and we live across the state.

 

I believe the consensus was that the only person who has an option is my boyfriend unless he puts a ring on my finger in the meantime then he must come (of course this was a joke).

[princecarspian]

Every children have some similarity with their parents . So some time some people say that your are similar to your parents. It is on genes .

[Trimmer]

Sorry, I was intentionally being vague in case my family is reading on here as they had a tendency to do and may still, although now that I think about it they probably know my name and obviously will know the event... so it's my grandma's birthday. I was told about the event at a small family gathering for my birthday over the weekend. I reacted with "Oh, so you are going to make me face my father"

 

I would love to chose not to go but I would not know how to explain that to her, also there are other members of our family (by marriage) who have not met my father who are being told they are going by their spouses so it was said that we could go as a group and leave early but we needed to make an appearance. We have a decent excuse as most of us work M-F, the party is on Sunday afternoon and we live across the state.

 

I believe the consensus was that the only person who has an option is my boyfriend unless he puts a ring on my finger in the meantime then he must come (of course this was a joke).

Completely understand... So your theme and mantra for the visit can be: "I'm here to celebrate and focus on Grandma...." I'm not saying this makes it easy, or minimizing the discomfort, but having a kind of a focus that is off your father, and insisting on keeping to that focus, may give you a kind of a shield from the rest of the junk.

[TouchedByViolet]

How old are you?

 

As others have said just focus on your gradma and the other family members you like. Then leave. If your biological father approaches you keep the answers very short, and just tell him you are here to see your grandma.

 

You must be an adult in every way when dealing with your biological father. You don't have the benefit of those with loving biological father's who can keep their guard down. You must demand that the jerks in your life treat you as at least their equal. If he doesn't respect you just walk away. F*** 'em. Life is too short to be held down by every a**hole life throws your way.

[ShoeGirl]

Every children have some similarity with their parents . So some time some people say that your are similar to your parents. It is on genes .

??

 

Completely understand... So your theme and mantra for the visit can be: "I'm here to celebrate and focus on Grandma...." I'm not saying this makes it easy, or minimizing the discomfort, but having a kind of a focus that is off your father, and insisting on keeping to that focus, may give you a kind of a shield from the rest of the junk.

I will do my best, it will be hard not to go into rage just seeing him. I have intentionally kept that part of my life out of my mind for over 2 years now. I suppose I have 2 months to get ready to deal with it.

 

How old are you?

 

As others have said just focus on your gradma and the other family members you like. Then leave. If your biological father approaches you keep the answers very short, and just tell him you are here to see your grandma.

 

You must be an adult in every way when dealing with your biological father. You don't have the benefit of those with loving biological father's who can keep their guard down. You must demand that the jerks in your life treat you as at least their equal. If he doesn't respect you just walk away. F*** 'em. Life is too short to be held down by every a**hole life throws your way.

 

I am 24. I tried to demand that he treat me as an adult several years ago, he wouldn't and I finally got the courage to walk away, it wasn't easy then and seeing him again won't be easy either.

[AVR1962]

ShoeGirl....in response to your original post. I have two daughters who were 1 & 6 where their father left (they are now 24 & 29). He made absolutely no contact for 2 years and then when he came back into their lives it was as you described......lots of broken promises, lies, him trying to make me look bad and lots of blame. He claimed he never had money to buy them gifts but rather than even calling on their b.days and Xmas there many times was nothing at all. He missed all their big events growing up.....proms, special award ceremonies, etc. My daughters so badly wanted to get to know this man eventhough they were raised by the man I see as their true dad......he was the one who supported them and was always a constant in their lives. They both moved to the town he resides and same stuff continued to happen. The youngest is pretty much completely disengaged now as she sees how selfish this person is. The oldest is still trying and she so badly wants his love and approval. Unfortunately, he has never been available for any of his wives or his children so this will be a hard lesson learned by my oldest as he won't be available for her either.

 

You DO NOT have to attend a family function if you decide you do not want to. And if you decide to go and do not want to engage in conversation with your father you do not have to. You can be corgial, take a friend so you have reason to spend time with someone else.

 

As far as I see it, dead-beat dads don't deserve a second chance!