am i materialistic????

[suplada]

hi guys! i would just like to hear your opinions...

so this is the story... please bear with me if i dont know how to do this systematically.

my husband and i have been married since 2004 and we have 1 kid. our problem is financial. i dont know how much he earns in a week because he has a sideline from his job. he has 2 siblings, one is living in their parents house and the other one migrated in other country. his parents passed away years ago before we got married. her sister who is living in their parents' house is jobless. she lives there with her aunt, a cousin and other househelpers. there are of 8 of them in that huge house. the properties that were left by his parents are not yet divided among them.

he is giving me a certain amount of money every week. let's just say 1000. as i have said, i dont know how much he earns. i divide that money for our weekly food expenses from the wet market(15%), my tuition fee(10%) because im still studying, savings for our daughters account(15%) and savings for our joint account(50%). i save the other 10% for the unexpected expenses like buying small things or when we go out.

he pays for other bills like water, electricity, grocery, phone, internet and our kid's tuition fee (i paid the half of it though).

he did not tell me that he is helping his sister financially and when i asked why he could not give me any reason and told me that next time he'll tell me. he has huge amount of money in the pocket of his pants (which where there for maybe a year now) and he doesnt tell me about that. but i told him that i know he has money there. he just smiled and didnt say anything. why cant he be transparent to me??? i wanted to buy a house but he said we cant afford it although i know that we can if we save more. or should i say he saves more. he doesnt even mention any plans for our future. he just lives on present. he can help other people like his sister but he cannot build dreams for us. now he's not giving me 1000. sometimes i receive 800, sometimes 900. i dont complain.

am i being materialistic??? am i giving too much issue on money matters? am i wrong to say that it is my right to know everything since i am his wife??? please help me. it lessens the love because it feels like i have to fight for my right..

thanks guys. hope to hear your opinions. thanks again!!

[D-Lish]

So, you're getting $4000 a month in spending money?

[suplada]

not actually in dollars.

[D-Lish]

not actually in dollars.

 

I don't understand what your complaint is.

[suplada]

he's not being transparent in terms of financial matters. is it ok?? it feels like we're not husband and wife. we're suppose to share everything with each other.

[TaraMaiden]

From what I can see, her complaint is that her husband is being evasive and cagey about what he does with their money, where it comes from, where it goes, and is prioritising other people when it comes to distribution.

She's trying to budget with what he gives her, but actually, marital finances become a joint issue, and she has a right to see the full picture in order to know where she stands.

At the moment, she's playing chess blindfolded.

 

And the money he has been giving her, is now decreasing......

[suplada]

that exactly it is tara. and i dont know if i should confront him because i dont wanna look like im giving so much issue on money matters. we have different lifestyles even though we're husband and wife. he has his own driver who stays with his sister. the cars he is using are left by his parents but they're not yet his own. and i have to ask for his permission if i badly need to use it. i always go to places commuting. it is right? i mean the different lifestyles?

[suplada]

sorry for my typing errors. (interchanging words)

[D-Lish]

Being materialistic means you define yourself by your possessions. I don't think that's what you are asking.

 

If you want to know how your H is distributing your finances, ask him- you have the right.

[suplada]

is it also my right to know how much he earns?? i have asked him so many times but in joking manner but refused to answer. i remember when i was pragnant, the doctor told us to save 50000 for my delivery and when i got his shoes to shine them, there he did hide the money. that was so painful to me.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

So what do you think it would take for him to sit up and take notice of you?

 

How about organising moving yourself out one day when he is not there, and serving him divorce papers?

You may not actually end up going through with it, but having to set aside money to support you and your child may be the leverage you need to finally get him to come to his senses.

 

The big problem is, nobody is going to be able to do this for you.

 

We can all come up with some really strong, useful workable ideas of what you could/couldn't, should/shouldn't do, but ultimately, honey, you're the one who's going to have to look after 'numero uno'.

That would be you....

 

You have to decide on a strategy that you know has a big chance of working, and find the moral and personal strength to put it into action.

 

Can your own family not help you with this?

I don't mean, give you money, but are they emotionally supportive?

Would they be able to take you in, if you leave?

 

Really, consider....

What are your logical options right now?

[suplada]

i am actually thinking of that too Tara but im still studying and so is my kid. if he wants to have independence on his finances, he should be single. and i want him to realize that. i dont tell this to my family because im protecting his image.

[TaraMaiden]

i am actually thinking of that too Tara but im still studying and so is my kid.

That shouldn't change anything.

If he is obliged to support you, he will support you, as will be his duty.

 

i dont tell this to my family because im protecting his image.

 

I'm sorry - forgive me - that's just stupid.

You owe him nothing in this way. You're being blindly and foolishly loyal, because there is no reward or compensation for your loyalty.

If you were getting something out of this, and you had fulfilment, I'd understand.

But you're floundering and not waving but drowning.

You need to take the rose-tinted spec's off and think logically.

Some decisions are painful and difficult, and sometimes unwelcome in their solutions.

it doesn't always make them wrong.

[suplada]

you're starting to make me cry and pity myself, tara. my kid's school will be holding a "parent encounter program" to learn the techniques for children's learning and discipline. he asked me if we will be attending and i said yes because it will be helpful to us. the next morning i asked him why he didnt left money(24 per head) to pay for it and he said he didnt have money. that is unbelievable and i just smiled implying that we both know that, that is not true. and then he didnt talk to me till last night. he texted me saying sorry. i asked him why he is saying sorry. he said because i got mad when he said he didnt have money. i told him that one of these days, he will sit down, talk to me heart to heart and lay all his cards or else we'll have our freedom in all the aspects of our lives. he didnt text me back and when he got home he didnt talk to me again.

[TaraMaiden]

you're starting to make me cry and pity myself, tara.

 

Good.

It's about time you got a little shook up.

Please understand, it was not my intention to make you cry or to upset you.

But self-pity is absolutely perfect.

For now.

What you now have to do, is to convert that self-pity into anger.

This guy is so giving you the run-around.

 

Two things:

Either he is making money in some illegal way, or he is lying to you about how much he makes, and what he does with it.

In fact, it's probably a combination of them all.

The fact that you summoned up the courage to confront him about this latest incident, and that he's gone all quiet, means you've struck a nerve.

he's guilty of something, and knows you are right.

You need to confront him now, and tell him,

 

"Ok, no more Bull5h1t. You need to tell me what is happening with money.

I am your wife, and I have a right to know what we are dealing with.How do you expect me to budget finances if I never know when I am going to get money, or how much it will be, or where it is coming from?

You are being completely devious and unreasonable. You are secretive and you think you are being clever - but you are nmot.

if you cannot help me and include me in on this - because I am your nwife and partner, and should be the most important consideration in your life, as we have a child together - then I have no choice but to ask my family foer their help.

Which is a pity, because I have always spoken to them very highly of you. They will be disappointed to know you are being dishonourable and disrespecting me. If we cannot confide in one another about this, it seems I will never be able to really know you, or trust you. Stop hiding from me, and start talking to me. If we cannot get this into the open, I am very much afraid for our future together."

 

What you can also do, if it is easier, is to copy the above, and give it to him in a letter, or send it to him as a text.

 

But that's up to you.

I know it is a bold step, but perhaps, the time for feminine gentleness and reticence is over.

Perhaps it is time to be more courageous.

You have the future of your son, to consider.

Keep him in this devious atmosphere, and he will learn this behaviour.

Start teaching him now, the importance of budgeting.

Or he will become as cavalier about money as his father seems to be.

 

 

prmy kid's school will be holding a "parent encounter program" to learn the techniques for children's learning and discipline. he asked me if we will be attending and i said yes because it will be helpful to us. the next morning i asked him why he didnt left money(24 per head) to pay for it and he said he didnt have money. that is unbelievable and i just smiled implying that we both know that, that is not true. and then he didnt talk to me till last night. he texted me saying sorry. i asked him why he is saying sorry. he said because i got mad when he said he didnt have money. i told him that one of these days, he will sit down, talk to me heart to heart and lay all his cards or else we'll have our freedom in all the aspects of our lives. he didnt text me back and when he got home he didnt talk to me again.

[jamesum]

Who the hell put lots of money in pants and shoes?!?

 

Your husband sounds like those stupid rappers who carry thousands of dollars with them in their back pockets wherever they go.

 

Tell him that there is such a thing called 'Bank'.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Huh?!?! He can give you $4000 a month..pay for all the bills..put money in savings..give his sister money and yet cant afford a house??? This sounds a little shady to me. Either he cant prove hes making all that money in order to get a mortgage..or you 2 have some serious communication issues.

[TaraMaiden]

Read again.

It's not dollars.

It's a different currency, so the equivalent dollar value is probably a lot less......

[linwood]

Who the hell put lots of money in pants and

 

Actually my mother used to stash large sums in the pockets of clothing hanging in the back of the closet.

 

Sh figured no one was going to search every pocket of every piece of clothing in there for anything.

 

Not everyone has faith in banks, for fairly valid reasons.

[princecarspian]

I do not think that your a materialist. Every person think about the future. The same thing you are doing .

[John55]

Yes you are materialistic, but not more than the average housewife, so I guess it's ok.

Edited July 31, 2010 by John55

[stillafool]

OP are you saying the money he gives you each month is equivalent to 4,000 American dollars? If so, you should start putting away $1,000 a month for you and your daughter. Open a savings account and start stashing away money because you don't know what is going to happen. Could your husband be selling drugs? Do you work also? Either way, whatever your husband is doing to get fast money but yet never has access money and has no plans for his family's future, is going to run out. You don't want to be left with nothing when it does.

 

And, to answer your questions - Yes, you as his wife have every right to know how much he is making and where to majority of it is going.