sodapop Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 So, I've been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years, but because of certain circumstances we haven't had a chance to meet yet. But he's promised to make a visit before the end of this year. My SO has been cheated on in the past, and so he's very sensitive about it. He also has trust issues, he doesn't believe a lot of the things I tell him, thought I have lied a few times in the past, I really don't know how to regain his trust. I'm a rather strong-willed and stubborn person, and most of the time I do what I think is right, but I'll never cheat on him. I've wanted to watch this movie for a really long time, and I finally got a friend (female) to watch with me. She suggests to bring a few friends along, and got two other people coming along (a girl and a guy). I know all three people well, and we're all friends. However, my boyfriend has a problem with me going to movies with a guy, without him. Obviously I can't go watch a movie with my boyfriend, he's not even here. But does that make it fair that I shouldn't watch movies with any other males? He insists that "**** happens" and what if he ends up flirting with me, or the two other girls can't make it, etc. I really have no feelings with this guy friend (he's not even one of my closer guy friends) but it's made my boyfriend so upset he's going to break up with me because I won't listen to him. A little on the history of our relationship, in the start of our relationship (within the first few months) we had an incident. What happened was I went to have afternoon tea with two guys and another girl, and one of the guys used to like me. After I told my boyfriend about it, and since I didn't know how to handle it at that time, I mean I really messed up at handling it, he thought it went down much worse than it really did. I end up confessing that it's because I wasn't sure about our new relationship, and had tea with these people. However, now that I really think about it I don't think it was the case, in fact it was really harmless. Though to him, it is much worse of course. And I can't do anything about it anymore, because the more I say anything about it, the less he'll trust me. So I guess I'll have to stick to my original story. I'm not a cheater, but I don't know what my boyfriend considers cheating anymore. I don't know what I can do anymore. Also, if it's been more than 3 years and I still haven't met him, and there will be an even longer wait in the future before we can both settle down, I don't know if this relationship is worth it anymore. I'm still very young, and it may sound really selfish, but he's my first boyfriend, and what if I'm just wasting all these years with a boyfriend I can't even meet up with. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 It's been 3 years and you still haven't met him, yet you're this devoted to him? What exactly are the circumstances that have kept the two of you apart for so long? Also, please expand more on the "tea incident". Did you kiss the guy? Or did he say he liked you and that was it? Nothing more? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sodapop Posted July 21, 2010 Author Share Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) ^Well, I knew this guy used to like me. I admit to flirting a little with him, though we did nothing physical at all (he was dating another girl at that time anyway). I felt really guilty afterward and had apologized to my boyfriend, though this still bothers him today. I handled it badly because at first I lied about the situation so it didn't seem as bad, though that obviously backfired. My relationship w/ my boyfriend is kept a secret from people we know irl, except for a few, which is problematic and confusing. I guess neither of us knows how to just say "we met on the internet" because it still seems like such a taboo. His work and money issues are reasons why he can't visit yet, I guess. Is he being possessive, or does he have the right to be worried? Am I wrong to watch a movie with a few friends including male friends? Edited July 21, 2010 by sodapop Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 1. This is your first boyfriend. You need more experiences before you settle down, and preferably with someone you actually get to see once in awhile. 2. Going to the movies with a group of friends is perfectly fine. What does he expect you to do? Stay home and be a hermit your whole life? Even if he was living with you, you still have to be able to go out with friends on your own sometimes. I'm sorry -- but I don't think you really have a relationship if you have never met in person. I would end that and try to establish REAL relationships with people. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Is he being possessive, or does he have the right to be worried? He's being possessive. I'm sorry, I agree with Stace79. She phrased it better than I could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sodapop Posted July 22, 2010 Author Share Posted July 22, 2010 I ended it today. I don't know what happened but.. in the end I told him it's best for us to split. He's still bothered over what happened 3 years ago. I think I need to start over again, and not **** up in the first two months this time. I'm not sure how I feel about all this but it's pretty sad. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 It's gonna suck for a while, but I think you did a good thing for yourself. In my opinion, you didn't do anything wrong in those first two months, if you're referring to going to movies with a guy friend and the "tea incident". Go out and do things for you. One of these days you'll find a guy that isn't bothered and controlling when you hang out with your guy friends. *HUGS* Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I ended it today. I don't know what happened but.. in the end I told him it's best for us to split. He's still bothered over what happened 3 years ago. I think I need to start over again, and not **** up in the first two months this time. I'm not sure how I feel about all this but it's pretty sad. I agree with the person who said you didn't do anything wrong. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to still have friends and do fun things. Your whole life cannot be about your boyfriend. It is always hard breaking up with someone, even when you know for certain he is not right for you. Just take some time to be yourself and have fun. You've only had one serious relationship -- no reason to settle down or feel pressured to find the "right one" just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sodapop Posted July 23, 2010 Author Share Posted July 23, 2010 I can't stop thinking about him. He's already said he respects my decision, but I don't think we've really finished the 'break up conversation' yet. I feel like I'm doubting my decision, is it supposed to be like that or does it mean I shouldn't let him go? On one hand I don't know how this would ever work out realistically, on the other I don't want to just lose him. I don't know anymore )': Link to post Share on other sites
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I'm sorry but I don't understand. How could you agree to be someone's girlfriend without meeting him and continue to be his girlfriend for three years all along never meeting him? How do you even know he is who he says he is and not some 70 year old disgusting pervert who likes playing games with young women? That fits with the "keeping it secret." If he was legitimate, he would have met you long before now. Why have a girlfriend you never meet? Why be in a relationship if you can't be with the person? I think you made the right decision in ending it. Something is way off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sodapop Posted July 23, 2010 Author Share Posted July 23, 2010 I think it's wrong assume that just because a relationship started over the internet means it's illegitimate or someone is being played. To me, he was more real than anybody else has ever been. Unless you've experienced this, most people won't understand this. But oh well, now that this is done with, I guess I'll never get to see him. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Whether you had met on the internet or in person doesn't matter in this situation. If he's gonna act like that then it'd be unhealthy and unfair for you to stay with him. I do believe that you did the right thing and I agree that you should get out and do some fun things as a single gal. Hopefully you have a better idea now of the kind of guy that you want to date. The right one will come along one day, even if he's right next door or half way around the world. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) So, I've been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years, but because of certain circumstances we haven't had a chance to meet yet. But he's promised to make a visit before the end of this year. My SO has been cheated on in the past, and so he's very sensitive about it. He also has trust issues, he doesn't believe a lot of the things I tell him, thought I have lied a few times in the past, I really don't know how to regain his trust. I'm a rather strong-willed and stubborn person, and most of the time I do what I think is right, but I'll never cheat on him. I've wanted to watch this movie for a really long time, and I finally got a friend (female) to watch with me. She suggests to bring a few friends along, and got two other people coming along (a girl and a guy). I know all three people well, and we're all friends. However, my boyfriend has a problem with me going to movies with a guy, without him. Obviously I can't go watch a movie with my boyfriend, he's not even here. But does that make it fair that I shouldn't watch movies with any other males? He insists that "**** happens" and what if he ends up flirting with me, or the two other girls can't make it, etc. I really have no feelings with this guy friend (he's not even one of my closer guy friends) but it's made my boyfriend so upset he's going to break up with me because I won't listen to him. A little on the history of our relationship, in the start of our relationship (within the first few months) we had an incident. What happened was I went to have afternoon tea with two guys and another girl, and one of the guys used to like me. After I told my boyfriend about it, and since I didn't know how to handle it at that time, I mean I really messed up at handling it, he thought it went down much worse than it really did. I end up confessing that it's because I wasn't sure about our new relationship, and had tea with these people. However, now that I really think about it I don't think it was the case, in fact it was really harmless. Though to him, it is much worse of course. And I can't do anything about it anymore, because the more I say anything about it, the less he'll trust me. So I guess I'll have to stick to my original story. I'm not a cheater, but I don't know what my boyfriend considers cheating anymore. I don't know what I can do anymore. Also, if it's been more than 3 years and I still haven't met him, and there will be an even longer wait in the future before we can both settle down, I don't know if this relationship is worth it anymore. I'm still very young, and it may sound really selfish, but he's my first boyfriend, and what if I'm just wasting all these years with a boyfriend I can't even meet up with. He isn't your boyfriend. I know you call him your boyfriend, but he isn't. You haven't MET him yet. This isn't a comment attempting to sideline what you have, or minimize the importance of it to you, but...he is not your boyfriend. You literally cannot have a R with a person that you haven't ever met because you need physical contact, exposure to each others lives, and so forth, to get to know each other. Right now you are pen pals. Frankly, the whole situation is crazy. You go to tea with a bunch of people including a guy, and this other guy who you haven't even met gets crazy about it (which is ridiculous), and threatens to break up, but he's never even met you, but is somehow your boyfriend? Crazy. I really think you need to move on and find a boyfriend - an actual boyfriend who you hang out with on a regular basis and who doesn't go nuts when you GO TO TEA (lol) with a guy friend (I mean, what the heck is that anyway?! You are socializing like a regular human being in perhaps the most conservative and scandal free environment I have ever heard of! Actually my biggest concern about this post is that you are young but choose to go to tea for your kicks :D Seriously, good luck but I'd drop the guy. Edited to add: I think he is either lying about his identity or is married, because he has wanted to keep this a secret for 3 years and wont come and visit you. His excuses for not doing so, and for keeping all of this a secret are beyond lame. Does he have a FB/MySpace account? You need to check it out to find out a little mroe about him. Every human under about 35 does actually have one (more or less), so if he says he doesnt he is either a) telling the truth and is in fact a creepy 55 yr old dude or b) lying, and has one which his girlfriend/wife regularly looks at. Anywatys, you can do better! Edited July 23, 2010 by torranceshipman Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Torrance, if you read last few posts in this thread I have a sneaky suspicion that you'll be proud of our li'l miss sodapop. Link to post Share on other sites
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