Love is not enough....

[Fancy]

Kkat, you've just made the most important healthiest decision you'll ever make for yourself. I'm very proud of you!

 

I know you're feeling like crap right now, but remember, this is only temporary........unless, of course, you cave in and call, and then you'll have to start all over again.

 

Liken this to quitting smoking, eating healthy, or ending a drug addiction. You're going to have cravings, physical pain, yearnings, temptations, etc. but you must ride them out!! What's worse, intense pain for a while and then healing, or a numb, dull ache for the rest of your life? This man is bad for you and he's already told you what the future holds for you--nothing. I implore you to gather all the strength and courage you have inside yourself and make it through this day. Then tomorrow, make it through another. Don't look too far in advance or you'll feel overwhelmed. You can and you will get through this, but only if you remain contact-free. The moment you pick up the phone, you'll have just trashed all your accomplishments.

 

Kkat, I know you're going through hell right now, but please, please, please believe me when I tell you, this pain will ease. I know you can't believe that right now but it's the truth!

 

Of course your MM is trying to keep the door open. He's panicking right now. Who will feed his ego? Who will he have to sneak around with? Who will fill his bored times? Let him go!! For the love of God, get this man out of your life once and for all and live the live you deserve to be living.........a life full of pride, accomplishment, self-esteem, and healthy people. This man is toxic and will only serve to bring you down. Be glad and be very proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Hang in there!

 

Every time you feel a longing to call, come here and post. You'll find support. Or call a friend, go to the mall, go work out, or anything that will get you out of your house and away from your phone. Ride out this storm. You have to. Please don't go back to a life playing second place. You're worth more.

[meanon]

I guess I'm going through the normal stages of the loss of love

 

That's so true kkat, remember it when you begin to worry about getting depressed. What you are feeling is normal. The loss of love has left a big empty gap an your life and that's scary, and of course you miss him. Do what you can to get through this last stage, be kind to yourself. Very soon you will feel so differently. Just as now you can't believe you felt badly for him, soon you won't believe you suffered so much. Zarathustra is right, this is what you have to look forward to when you recover from an affair as distressing as yours:

 

you will feel so happy, revitalized , unburdened and filled with a lightness of being

 

The depression will lift, kkat. You are going to be fine

[mmvb]

kkat-

 

no, love is not enough. and you definitely will get over it, once you have control over the situation by saying, "no". it doesn't matter what someone says to you- it's only what they DO that matters.

 

i thought i was in love with a married man who claims that i am his soulmate, and he's never felt about anyone the way he feels about me. he even told his pregnant wife about me- that he's in love with me and he is leaving her. he did leave her, and came back to where i live before she had moved him out west. the problem is that because he is already in love with his unborn child, he talks to her every day. he says that he doesn't, but i know that he does-i've checked his cell phone because- i don't trust him!

 

ironically, he told her that he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married to her, and one of the reasons was because he wanted children badly and she didn't. now she is pregnant, after he told her he didn't want to be married. i'm not stupid- i heard him lie to her for 6 months. not only is he married, he is staying married to his wife because he wants to get his greencard, and on top of everything, he's currently unemployed. and i am a successful, very attractive, healthy woman. why would i be with him? because i loved him. but that, my dear, is NOT enough!! we lived together for 2 months while he broke up with her long distance. now that i supposedly had him, i didn't want him, because he will not move on with getting an actual divorce. and i do know that this man loves me. but, because he's not doing anything else about the situation, and i refuse to marry him just so that he can get a greencard, i had to stop seeing him. my happiness, no matter what i felt for him, was more important than "love". this is what you have to remember. i also eventually felt guilty about the pregnant wife, even though i never once pursued the relationship with this man. i could have stopped it, but i fell in love.

 

I feel silly quoting Madonna, but she said in a song once, "There's no greater power than the power of goodbye"- and it's true. Once you say goodbye, and you mean it, you will be able to make sensible choices for yourself. Until then you are just at the mercy of the MMan. You have to ask yourself this question: does the bad outweigh the good? Or vice versa?

 

Love will always come again. Just when you least expect it, and hopefully you will learn not to fall in love with a married man, no matter how unhappy they say they are. This was the first and only one for me. Never again, I know for sure. It's a no-win situation for everyone.

Trust me on this- separate yourself from the situation and see what happens. If it's your choice, you will feel better about it not working out. And deep down, you probably know that it isn't going to work out.

[overseas2004]

I am sorry but you need to totally get rid of your therapist. It shocked me to read that he would support your weakness and fear of breaking up with this man.

 

There is no such thing as weaning yourself off anybody either. That is just an excuse you are making for yourself because you don't want to leave. It is comfortable to say, I can't leave now, I will leave when my self esteem improves (which may be never). How amazingly comfortable you have made it for yourself.

 

If I were you I would just end it no matter how badly I did not want that outcome. I would just force myself to do it and not continue to use the excuses you are using.

 

Do you really want to improve your self respect? My suggestion is that the quickest way to do that is to break up with your married cheating scummy boyfriend. In 5 quick words you can say "get out of my life" to him and already you should have some gained some self esteem, since at that point you will no longer be committing adultery and hence will be a far better person.

[meanon]

In 5 quick words you can say "get out of my life" to him and already you should have some gained some self esteem, since at that point you will no longer be committing adultery and hence will be a far better person.

 

Overseas, she's done it - She broke up with him and hasn't seen him for more than 4 weeks.

[Arabess]

You know, kk, I think that we can go into no contact just HOPING that they will somehow honor it by seeing how much they miss you, remembering you and making it right. It may even be a subconscious thought. But it's there....lingering thru our heart. This is his big chance to prove he meant one thing he ever said to you.

 

As time goes by though, we come to the realization that it isn't going to happen.

 

And this is when we have to face the possibility that he maybe did care about you, but he isn't as 'unhappy' as you thought. He may even really care for his wife. He isn't going to leave....regardless.

 

It's a painful phase. I think it hurts worse than breaking up with him in the first place. It's when you have to come face to face with the actual reality that you've been duped and used.

 

You can either go back because you don't want to face the truth OR you can just get pissed off.

 

If you get mad enough....it'll keep you from going back. You can forgive him down the road....but for NOW....it's all you got to keep you strong.

 

Keep posting kk....we are hanging in there with you.

[onthemend]

Kkat, please don't give in and call him. I'm pretty much at the same stage as you are and the temptation to call and find out if he is really missing you and how he is etc..... is sooo tempting. I have erased his number from my mobile just so in a moment of weakness - I give in. 2 weeks and I haven't - yet!!

 

He called me on Saturday night when I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know it was him as all my mobile said was 'call' so I answered it.

 

Boy oh boy was I pissed off - he totally ruined my evening. I was so upset and I had friends round for dinner - they then had to listen to me going on and on about what a selfish git he is!

 

Anyway, stick with it. I actually forgot about him for a nano second today! That was fab, just goes to show time will and eventually does heal. Its just a shame we allow ourselves to go through so much ****.

 

Take care

[kkat]

Thanks Arabess, Meanon, etc. for your great words of support. It's at this point that I really need the supportive, positive reinforcement and encouragement, not a whipping - so I'm appreciative for them.

 

I haven't called, I haven't called, I haven't called! I'm feeling better and better.

 

I have a good support group both here on LS and with some great friends, and I am using therapy and talking and journaling to keep myself focused on staying out of the grips of this person. I have taken my power back and I do not want to give it back to him, or anyone else in the future for that matter. I'm focusing on the hard lessons I learned by being in a relationship with someone who is unavailable and by trying to be in any relationship while depressed and absent of self-esteem.

 

The reading I did on addictive relationships and on OW/Affairs was so helpful to me -- best money I ever spent and I really encourage anyone in this situation to get the books I read.

 

I AM hurt and shocked actually that he hasn't called me - I'd be lying to say it doesn't bother me. But, it's also so great not to have to listen to the little tidbits that I used to hear and then piece together -- I prefer the total disconnect.

 

Oh, and to "onthemend" -- I didn't erase him from my mobile because of the reason you mentioned - I want to know its him if he calls so I will not answer by mistake. So I just changed his name to something more appropriate....

[meanon]

I'm feeling better and better.

 

Well done kkat .

You are well on the way to happiness

[onthemend]

Its probably non of my business but what have you called him

 

I think I will do the same as I'm bound to get another call when he's had too much to drink and is lonely in another country (Spain) where he is now, on business for three days!

 

Today has been a bad day for me, yesterday I felt nearly happy for a few minutes but today I feel horrible. Finding this site has been a God send - it really keeps me going.

 

I hope that anyone even considering having an affair reads these messages and thinks twice about it. In hind site 'if only we knew then what we know today'

 

Lets all keep our chins up and not give in to them.

[kkat]

Hey there Onthemend-

 

I renamed my ex-MM "BigFatLiar" in my mobile. That's mature, huh? I did have another name that was a little too lewd to even scroll past.

 

I'm sorry you were having a bad day with things yesterday -- I had one myself yesterday.

 

Yesterday was one week since our last contact/conversation (5 weeks tomorrow since last seeing him). I had some papers related to his business here at my apartment, and he and I have a mutual connection -- a customer of his is a close friend of mine - who was involved in the project. Long story short - I needed to messenger these papers to him. I agonized over it - trying to decide whether to send them, how to send them, when to send them. I was afraid if I sent them he'd call using that as an excuse and afraid at the same time he wouldn't call. I decided, to hell with it, and I messengered them to him, with a very brief note in a courteous tone saying "here are the papers and Karen (our mutual friend) will be following up". Guess what, he didn't call. So, I'm looking at it as a blessing - I'm glad I did the right thing by forwarding the papers, I took the high road and its done.

 

One of the things I am coming to terms with is that with any loss of a relationship, one goes through highs and lows. I can not emphasize enough how much the reading I have done has helped me to look at things more logically and sanely. One of the things I learned in my reading, and now from my short experience, is that OW typically go through a process of feeling both the typical tremendous loss and sadness of the loss of a relationship, but that we also typically will have a sense of elation and liberation. This is associated with freeing ourselves from what we knew was an unhealthy and unfair relationship, and also from feeling proud of ourselves for getting out. I was practically manic the first night after I ended it - my friends thought I would be crying but I was so happy. In the eight days that have passed, I have had that feeling alot - I find myself humming, singing, smiling. I also have the mean blues at moments. This is a normal process, per what I've read. So when you have a bad day, its too be expected, but if you stay disconnected from him, you'll start to have more good moments and days and less bad ones.

 

I think using LS and if possible, a network of friends, is so important. Are you finding it easy or difficult not to contact him? I made a verbal commitment to my support group of friends that I would not call him without at least calling one friend first. I haven't wanted to dial him, but if I do, I'll have to stop first and call a friend who can help me control the urge. Like any other addiction!

 

Let me know how you're doing, OK?

 

Hang in there.

[kkat]

I slipped --- I called him. On an impulse, totally ignored my own advice and good sense. A friend of mine and I had been talking about him, I got an urge of wanting to resolve something in my head - a question I had - and I called him. We talked for a long time.

 

He said he hadn't called because he had realized I meant it when I said I wanted to be free, and he was trying to respect me and my wishes. Said all the "I love yous and I miss yous" and they didn't phase me. I felt empty - like I'm just not in love with him anymore. I found myself so bored and void listening to him and I told him I'm happier and wish him well, he was upset and wanted to call me back later (he was at work) and I said no, let's not.

 

Anyway, I slipped, looking for forgiveness, support, anything. Thanks.

[Arabess]

Well...kk....you big GOOF!

 

Just kidding. It's not going to change the end result whether you call him or not. The only thing no contact will do is help you get over it WHEN you are ready. Till then, what decision could you possibly make which was dumber than falling in love with him in the first place?????? HAHA!

[kkat]

Arabess, you're a hoot. I know, right, I'm all up in the air that I called him when it's really not what it's about.

 

He called me to finish our conversation and it got really painful - I cried afterwards for the first time in weeks and weeks. Just reconfirmed for me I do not want contact with him. OK learned my lesson and learned it well.

 

I'm also not going to focus on the future, e.g. will we ever be able to be friends again, whatever...for me, I realize I need to take one day at a time.

[AnotherOW]

its probably better that you called kk, so now you know and you wont be fighting that urge to call everyday after that.

 

Arabsess... i have been reading your comments and you have alot of good things to say, i absorb them everyday and put them in my file while trying to break free of my own MM....

 

thank you ladies~

[kkat]

Thanks for that thought -- that's a really positive way of looking at it. You are certainly right in that I have no urge to call him today - I feel like I sprinted knowingly into an electric fence yesterday and last night in those calls and hey, not up for that jolt again today! This is a big improvement for me, especially with my addictive tendancies - in the past I would've just kept going back for more, and more, and more...

[meanon]

KKat don't be upset about it. It's resolved some of the questions you had in your mind and you now know that, rather belatedly, he is respecting your wishes. It has strengthened your resolve. It turned out to be the right thing to do. Breath a sigh of relief, congratulate yourself for clearing another hurdle and move on stronger in the confidence that you can overcome this.

[kkat]

I feel like I have taken a few steps backwards mentally. After talking to him on Thursday and Thursday evening, I received two text messages from him. I replied to the one from yesterday, but have resisted the urge to reply to one I received from him last night, as well as resisting the urge to call him when I felt like the one message may have been a subtle attempt to prompt a call from me.

 

However, the problem I'm having is this:

 

I have realized, without question, that I do not in any way want to go back into a relationship with him because of the simple fact that he is married to someone else, not available therefore, and I do not believe that at any time in the near future or likely ever that he will get a divorce.

 

For a few weeks, I had been also feeling that even if he were divorced and available, that I didn't want to be with him, and that it was just the addiction that was keeping me involved, not a true in-love situation any longer.

 

But now, I feel like I am flip-flopping. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning to act on it, but I find myself going back mentally to a place of hope??, fantasy??, and feeling like we are meant to be together, soulmates, all that b.s., and I find myself fantasizing of ways this could work out. I know this is not good. Any suggestions or thoughts really appreciated.

 

I don't want to go backwards mentally. I have felt so fortunate that my depression has not relapsed and I must keep that from happening.

[AnotherOW]

KKat, I think that all the women in this situation will forever feel the way you are feeling (not to be negative) but we are always gonna wonder what would happen if we just stick it out and see if he really would leave. and because of that we dont really get closure from a relationship b/c the MM is always gonna be accepting of this relationship b/c he does in fact want to have his cake and eat it too.

Sorry, not to have some great thought that all the things you are feeeling are gonna go away, but i think thats how its gonna be, at least i know it will for me!

 

just keep your head up and know that you are better than this situation.

 

>>lord knows i am better at giving advice than taking it!

[meanon]

kkat, just re-read the thread. If seeing you suffer all that pain was not enough to make him leave then surely nothing will. Don't be down when you get mixed feeings, you are bound to remember the good times despite the fact that the end was dominated by the bad. You are getting closer to the day that you can make new happy memories with someone new, someone who can really share your life.

[zarathustra]

kkat, you need diversion and support. For diversion, throw yourself into classes, more hours at the gym, aerobics, anything to distract you from his siren call. Remake yourself physically, intellectually and spiritually. If you're at all religious, connect with other adults at your church.

 

Also, date, date and date. Go to clubs, party with your friends. All these hyper-activities will help you ignore his ever diminishing call while you go through emotional detox.

 

Rely on friends for support. People who will slap you on the side of the head (I mean it figuatively) whenever your will begins to weaken.

 

What you really need is something like an AA for the heart: "Relationships Anonymous," anyone?

[kkat]

I do often need a bop on the head, yes I do.

 

Although I haven't been able to control my thoughts from going into fantasy-land, missing him, etc. I have not fallen off the wagon.

 

In fact, I think I am so much stronger and committed to staying out of this than I was only a few weeks ago. I told him in the last conversation that I am moving on, that I wish him all good things and love him but I am not available, at all, for any relationship with him since he's married.

 

I'm absolutely committed to never getting back into a relationship with him unless his maritial status miraculously changes! ha!

 

It's really hard though- I miss him and I know he misses me - we love each other but as the thread says, love is not enough.

 

And as far as dates, dates, dates, go -- I haven't met any men I am attracted to or interested in -- it's so hard. I'm not an online dating sort of gal, and just having trouble meeting Mister Right or Mister Right Now...

[zarathustra]

love is not enough

 

No, kkat, unfortunately it's not.

 

<rueful smile>

[onthemend]

Tell me about it.

 

Just when I thought I was going to be OK he calls. Not me specifically, but the office and i answered the phone. How can one human being make another go from feeling nearly OK to wanting to cry in so short a time. I really can't seem to shake loose this eternal feeling of misery, no matter how hard I try.

 

I have tried reasoning with myself with all the facts that are so right and obvious, and for a short time I'm fine - until i hear his voice then its back to square one and misery again!

 

What I need is such a huge slap from everyone and a stiff talking too at the same time

 

Cheers all

[kkat]

Girl, why do you need a slap? What have you done that's wrong? He called the office, you answered the phone, you didn't know trouble was on the other line. Did you talk to him? Did you make plans with him? Where are you on that?

 

I am not going to beat myself up or feel badly because I am not over my MM yet. I love this guy and I ended the relationship - that's within my power so I did that. But I can't magically erase my feelings - I would if I could. Neither can you. It sucks but we've got to go through the pain - just like any other feeling person would do if they lost a relationship. Being OW doesn't disentitle us to feeling sad and hurt when the relationship is over, does it?

 

You are doing great, and I think you need a hug, and not a slap. Hug yourself straight from NYC to England, from me to you! Who else can hug onthemend?