Loving 2 different persons

[mythologymajor]

This is a plea for help, and i am wondering if there is anyone out there who's having the same experience... I am crazy abt this girl, who appears to be in love with me, but she has only made her feelings known thru her MSN personal message (you know, the one that u can type out to accompany your MSN nick). But she won’t talk to me at all. It’s as if there are 2 different persons, 1 who won’t give me the time of the day, the other who is hurting bad because of me… I know she is hurting, and I want to make it better, but she won’t talk to me! I’ve tried everything, nothing is working, and I finally ended up here on this site…

 

Guys, how long can a girl who has been hurt, give the person who hurt her the cold treatment? She won’t talk to me at all. I keep sending her love emails and texts, and in her MSN posts, she responds to those. But she won’t talk to me. It’s been many weeks now… what do I do?

 

 

We have been hurting each other since november last year… I was failing to take action when i needed to and she finally dropped a bombshell saying she “had a bf now”

 

I don’t know how I was supposed to respond, but I told her I would love her even if she had a bf or even got married, that I was happy she found someone to take care of her, that if she was willing to accept me as a friend, I would try to be the best friend that I can be. Don’t ask why I said that, my mouth was on autopilot at that moment, because I was so stunned. In her MSN posts, she was heartbroken. She gave me a few chances, i blew it everytime… she was hurt to an extent that she started to hurt me back by using her ‘bf’.

 

And everytime she mentioned her ‘bf’, I asked to meet her one final time to say farewell… she always cut me off, or blocks me from her MSN for a few days. In hindsight, I slowly figured out her MSN postings might be her way to talk to me, and in recent weeks, I have refrained from asking to say goodbye. I really love her, I wanted a farewell only because I wanted to have a clean break if she really had someone else. But she has been confusing me. She won’t give me my goodbye, she won’t tell me to stop, she is not blocking me off from her MSN. She just posts these heartbroken comments on her MSN, but she won’t talk to me anymore.

 

Is she testing me with this bf stuff? Is there a set of steps I am supposed to navigate? I don't know what i am supposed to do, it's as if i am going thru a process of trial and error, bumbling from one mistake to another with the hope of getting it right...

 

Am I supposed to give her space or am I supposed to keep calling her? If I leave her alone, it might show her I don’t care (and I have left her alone many times in the past, my biggest mistake). Perhaps she want me to show her my commitment by keeping at it, to keep trying?

[Enchanted Girl]

So what exactly did you supposedly do to her to cause her to act like this?

 

From what I read, she sounds really immature. You shouldn't use another human being to get back at someone. They are a person with feelings and that is cruel.

 

And even if she does care about this guy . . . . =/ Why is she talking about you all the time? That's just insane. She should either be focused on her new boyfriend OR you, not both of you at the same time. It's just as mean to him as it is to you.

 

She also sounds like she is guilt tripping you all the time and teasing you to keep you chasing after her. She obviously loves the attention she's getting from it, but doesn't respect you at all in my opinion. Get over her and move on.

 

My boyfriend has really hurt me before as well. I've really hurt him, too. We still worked it out and forgave one another. We didn't get new boyfriends or girlfriends to make the other person miserable with. That isn't healthy.

 

The reason she won't say goodbye is that she doesn't want you to get any closure. She wants you to keep pursuing her and never give up. She is enjoying having this power over you. Don't let her have it anymore. You're better than that.

[mythologymajor]

Thank you enchanted girl for taking the time... really appreciate it... i am really lost... to answer your questions, i hurt her by being blind and slow when she clearly opened the door for me... i kept her waiting, sometimes didn't contact her for days, even weeks. Reason for this is because she rejected me before and we broke up before, when we got back in contact, i was never sure of her intention - i only know all this in hindsight... i loved her from the beginning, but she did not seem interested to be more than friends... so, when we got back together, i did not want to blow it by aggressively going after her again - so i acted a bit cool and aloof...

 

I am not even sure if there is a bf... the way she seems to be hurting - it just doesn't make sense - there's been no mention of her bf in her MSN posts... just abt how hurt she is, and on a few times when i sent her really moving emails, she revealed how emotional she was in her updates, on a couple of occasions even using the L word. She even called me a few times after reading my emails, but she just asked abt work (we worked some freelance jobs together) - but only abt the work... now in hindsight, i recognise that she was giving me the chance to take a step forward, but i ended up just answering her questions and ending the call. I did not call her later, did not call at all for days... the soft tone of her voice should have been enuf to make it clear to me, but i was so so stupid...

 

I am so confused because she clearly feels for me in her MSN updates, but when i try to call her now, she won't take my calls anymore, she ignores me on MSN, but does not block me. Sometimes when i do get thru, if she feels hurt, she will use the bf word again... but i never heard from her that she loved this bf, that she had moved on, that she was happy, etc. All i know is she is miserable, but she won't talk to me anymore. She has had plenty of chances to end my harassment of her, but she never did - she blocks me from MSN for a few days when she got really upset with me for asking to meet a final time, but unblocks me eventually.

 

We both hurt, i know she is not enjoying this. I have learned not to ask for goodbye, because this is clearly not what she wants. I have learned not to offer to be friends, because this is also clearly not what she wants - all this i found out thru months of painful bumbling trial and error... But i can't get her to give me a chance anymore… She seems to be saying 2 different things – when in direct contact she pushes me away, on her MSN it is clear she is being hurt bad… I really don’t know how to fix this, I have tried everything… please help…

[Menafee]

I "immaturely" did most of the same things to the guy i still love and always will a few years ago. He hurt me bad and i would post stuff but not talk to him about it unless it was in an email, eventually thats how we communicated because we both had a problem of communicating, i have a problem of admiting im anything other than happy and he always said the wrong thing in person. Neways she may just have the same problem of not being able to communicate feelings in person. I think you should just send her a message and tell her what you want and make sure to let her know if she doesnt feel the same way or doesnt respond then you wont be chasing her anymore

[mythologymajor]

Menafee, i think i am this situation because i did not chase her in earnest, i really hurt her bad when she pulled out her 'bf' into the story... what do u expect a guy to do when u do that? i think she was doing it to see how i would react... well i told her i'd love her forever, but if she'd found someone to take care of her, i'd be there for her as a friend for life. When she didn't respond to that, i just asked for a proper end to our relationship... she did not respond either. How else was I supposed to respond?? Ask her pointblank to leave her bf?? Is that the response I was supposed to give her? You girls out there... what is a guy supposed to say in this situation??

 

 

Now that I am slowly realising my mistakes, she’s been posting stuff abt learning to let go and learning to live with the pain… I am so scared that she’s given up on us… she won’t talk to me anymore, I can only explain all my mistakes and tell her my true feelings on email and text, but I am so scared she’s let go… I’ve tried everything… and she’s still not responding… I don’t want to keep harassing her if she needs her space, but if I don’t keep trying to call, I’d be doing exactly what I was doing earlier when I did not take action to chase after her… I don’t know what she wants me to do… C'mon guys, help a poor guy our here....

[Odyssey]

let me get this straight... you were hurt so reacted with immature silent treatment for weeks. She got hurt. You break up. She has a bf now? You plead to the point of harrassing her, out of desperation to win back her trust.

 

The more you chase like this, the further she'll run 'cause she feels suffocated. Look, if you love her, set her free. If she comes back it was meant to be. Otherwise take it as a lesson learned man.

[mythologymajor]

Odyssey - it was not really 'immature silent treatment' cos at that time, we were never together - just ordinary friends going abt their own lives - i did not want to smother her or scare her away after we got back into contact (we did our own thing for 5 months) from a breakup which was a result of a failed attempt on my part to take our relationship to a further level.

 

In hindsight, i now realize that when she let me back in (she called me after i textd her a birthday wish) she had changed. She had waited for me to 'take action' - but i had learned my lesson and did not want to scare her away. So i just slowly bided my time. 5 months of casual contact later, she suddenly dropped the bf bomb.

 

I cannot imagine how there can be another guy in her life when her MSN posts are filled with heartbreak and despair... i now get the feeling she's been using this to communicate or test me... I've been giving her many opportunities to end it all, for me to set her free, for me to stop hassling her. If she's moved on, why is she not letting it end? I told her if she wanted me to stop bothering her, just meet me once to say goodbye - we've gone thru a lot, and i feel that's the least our relationship deserves - just end on a friendly note... but she shut me out.

 

I once left her alone (after everything blew up) for more than 2 weeks, but one day i logged on to MSN and she said hi, how are u... she initiated contact... if she wants me gone she'd have deleted/blocked me, rite?

 

I am so utterly confused... yesterday - her MSN status had been blank for many days - i logged on to say hi, cn i call u... she kept quiet, but her MSN status suddenly updated, saying I'll love u forever... i tried further, saying i did not want to invade her privacy without her permission, and she replied telling me not to call her anymore...

 

Previously, at this point, i'd say something like please, i am dying here, we used to be good friends, just let me say goodbye, i'll never stop caring for you, i love you but i understand u have found someone to take care of you, let's just have a proper goodbye... But she wouldn't say goodbye. She just keeps quiet. In fact, she'd block me off directly if we were on MSN, or cut the line if we were on the phone. She does not say she has moved on, she does not ask me to move on, she just keeps quiet, refuses to talk to me, but she keeps posting these hurt/loving msgs on her MSN...

 

Wasn't leaving her alone that caused me all these trouble? I know i can't suffocate her - i once told her, i will never quit trying to ask her forgiveness, but if she doesn't hear from me, it's becos my pain got too bad, but i will never stop loving her... when i left her alone for 3-4 days, her MSN status would be filled with despair, saying things like perhaps there r things that are not meant to be, no matter how much u yearn for it... better learn to let go, things like that...

 

i am so confused. what more can i do? i can't lose her... any psychoanalysts out there can help? i am losing my mind... I can go NC, but i've done that b4, NC might have caused my problems now - perhaps she wants me to show my commitment - perhaps she can't accept me going off for weeks leaving doing my own thing? and now she wants to make sure i've changed? some friends (girls) have told me, sometimes girls say one thing but mean another... she keeps asking me to leave her alone, maybe she wants the opposite? Maybe she wants me to show her i can't live without her? Maybe she is not ready to talk to me abt these without getting hurt, that's why she's doing it this way? I really want to leave things alone for a while to cool it off so that we can talk properly again, but i fear if i do another round of NC, she'll give up for good...

[Menafee]

I think when she pulled out the bf card you said exactly the right thing, i cant think of anything better you could've said. As for everything else it's really hard to say, it sucks. Do you have any mutual friends or are you close to anybody in her family? If you are it'd be best to ask someone she's close to who know her and how she thinks, like a bestfriend or maybe even sister?

 

It's not the best advice, and im sorry about that. But you'd be amazed on how much a girls bestfriend can tell about them.

 

Oh and you hurt her by not asking her out sooner? is that right or did i get it wrong? But if that is what you meant then dont see that as your "big mistake." It's not the guys job to make the first move she could've too, if she didnt, so dont feel bad about that its no more your fault then hers

Edited July 27, 2010 by Menafee

[mythologymajor]

Oh and you hurt her by not asking her out sooner? is that right or did i get it wrong? But if that is what you meant then dont see that as your "big mistake." It's not the guys job to make the first move she could've too, if she didnt, so dont feel bad about that its no more your fault then hers

 

I think she was waiting for me to get serious, to profess love... which i did not dare to after her rejection of me last time. There's actually a longer story, in an earlier stage (which i did not describe b4 this), it was she who chased after me, but i was at that time unable to give her what she wanted... when i finally was able to (1 year later) she had moved on, but i never forgot her. So it was like:

 

1. She came for me, i couldnt - she broke off

 

2. I came back 1 year later, looking for her - she'd moved on and we just had platonic friendship (to her at least, i loved her frm the start)

 

3. I tried to win her heart - it all breaks apart - 5 months NC

 

4. Reconnected, i did not dare to move, she was apparently waiting (in hindsight)

 

5. After 5 months of waiting, she got frustrated, and suddenly the bf appears

 

6. So here we are...

 

One big factor in all this is that she had always been the one taking the initiative in our relationship... so when she was waiting for me to take action, she was so uncharacteristic - she was so passive, totally unlike her. I mistook this for her reluctance or disinterest... so i dared not do anything... Can anyone throw light on this? Why would she suddenly change like this?

 

And of course i feel bad abt it... i am going to lose her if i don't do the right thing soon... I might already have...

 

Do you have any mutual friends or are you close to anybody in her family? If you are it'd be best to ask someone she's close to who know her and how she thinks, like a bestfriend or maybe even sister?

 

It's not the best advice, and im sorry about that. But you'd be amazed on how much a girls bestfriend can tell about them.

 

There's a good friend of her's i've met once or twice but we were never introduced, so i don't have her contact. I might get her number from another acquaintance who i knew from work but have not spoken to for more than 18 months.. (although it'll really look bad, seeing i haven't spoken to him for so long, to just pop up and ask for something - it's almost rude, isn't it). Even if i do get her contact, there's the big mountain to climb where we've never even spoken directly to each other b4... just waved in greeting a few times... sigh... and then to just suddenly open up abt something like this!!

[Menafee]

If you've only met her friend a few times and never really talked to her it'd look bad, she might think your going after her friend now. So that would be really bad! Is there anywhere that she goes to alot? Maybe you could just casually bump into her, not in like a crazy stalkerish way but you know..? Someplace that it wouldnt be strange for you to be hanging out at or something? And see if she acknowledges that she even knows you. I think she still at least cares about you, she's just having problems and doesnt want/know how to talk about them. She might even be scared or something like that

[mythologymajor]

If you've only met her friend a few times and never really talked to her it'd look bad, she might think your going after her friend now. So that would be really bad!

 

I think i might go that way anyway, out of sheer desperation.. i have nowhere to turn to, unless this thread gives me enlightenment... i'd just have to go thru an uncomfortable time to try see if i can get anything useful out of her... uncomfortable is peanuts compared to what i'm going thru right now...

 

Is there anywhere that she goes to alot? Maybe you could just casually bump into her, not in like a crazy stalkerish way but you know..? Someplace that it wouldnt be strange for you to be hanging out at or something? And see if she acknowledges that she even knows you. I think she still at least cares about you, she's just having problems and doesnt want/know how to talk about them. She might even be scared or something like that

 

There's nowhere i can bump into her... furthermore, she had just moved to a new house with her family during this time.. so i dunno where she stays anymore... i once went up to her office to see her... she let me into her office, i stood there... in front of her desk... she wouldnt look me in the eyes, she made herself busy at her PC, i asked if i could sit, she did not reply so i kept standing there... her colleagues were outside looking in (i am sure they were)... luckily she had an office to herself, so the humiliation was at least partially kept private...

 

She asked me what i wanted... i asked her why she was avoiding me... she said she did not want to talk abt it now, she was busy... i told her i'd wait for her after work downstairs, she threatened to never see me again if i did that... she asked me to pls leave...

 

Throughout it all, i was looking for signs to guide me in my decision making. My biggest observation was that she was extremely flustered. To me, if she was cold and calm (or even angry) and just told me please not to bother her again, not in her workplace, not on the phone, etc etc, i would have gotten the message loud and clear. She was more nervous than i was, to be honest... she kept asking me to pls leave, i kept asking if i could call her later... she finally said, whatever... as my usual fool self, i did not call her... she probably wouldn't have taken it anyway... In any setting, public or private, she'd avoid me, that i know for sure.

 

Now u know the reason i chose the title for this thread... whatever reason she has, i know she loves me - her MSN posts make it so clear. But it's as if there's something major i am missing... that's why i am here... to see if anyone out here can see something i can't... why is she still posting she'll love me forever but won't talk to me??? Which is the truth, her words to me or her words on MSN?? I've already told her i'd never hurt her again, but she won't give me a chance anymore... but why keep on loving me if u can't forgive me and give me a chance? If i leave her alone this time, i'm pretty sure i'll lose her for good. Guys, this is serious for me, it's not like ok, didn't hit this one, let's move on try to hit another... this is the one...

[mythologymajor]

I have been through almost the exact same thing as what your going through with my ex, and sadly he's now serious with the girl he dated after me. I could tell you what i did which is ask to be friends once, he didnt reply and i never talked to him again, he was with someone else so why keep trying. I thought that if he really cared we'd end up together, which i now know he didnt care, but i found a few guys who are better. Still its not the same nobody else can make me as happy as my ex did.

 

The difference with me is that i have not found and will not look for another to replace her. I told her that. i told her i'd wait for her til the end of time... and i mean it. but i don't think i've ever made her happy though. our love has made us so miserable... the happiness has not really been there becos we really never got the chance... i want her to be happy, which was why i said i'd be happy for her if she found someone to take care of her... apparently, she is not happy at all... if there is someone else at all...

 

 

So whatever you do dont do what i did, i regret not telling him how much i cared all the time, after we broke up and when we were together. But you've already done way more than me to tell her how much you care, so you would have no reason to feel like you could have done more, but of course you still probably would cause dont we always?

 

I wonder if i will get to a stage where all my attempts will just get old and transition into stalking or harassment. I dun want that, but i fear if i stop she'll see that as a signal i've given up again... my mistake has been not showing my commitment to her, and i dun want that either. i just don't know what she wants from me... i just left her alone for a few days last week, and she was already posting abt learning to let go and live with it... OMG.... but when i try to call her she doesn't want to talk. Nothing makes sense. i dun understand...

 

And your girl might actually,sadly,have a bf but just doesnt feel the same way about him as she does you. I still to this day post sad mes. about my ex, and ive been with a few good guys since him. I miss him and know i'll never love anybody as much as him, but if he tried to get me back i would probably ignore him and act like i dont still love him. Simply because he's hurt me too much, i'll always love him but we've been through too much and i know i cant do it anymore with him. Maybe she feels about the same way as me, maybe she's afraid of getting hurt, feels like you've been through too much.

 

I can't deny maybe the bf does exist... i am not in denial... but consider this: since this bf supposedly turned up, there's been no posts on her MSN abt him... apart from a handful of neutral lines when she was a bit calmer, it's been 7 months of postings all abt heartbreak and love and i know it's abt me becos these are always in response to my texts or emails... if this bf really exists, i just can't wrap my mind around it... can u? Would u post abt nothing but ur ex when u already have some one else?

 

And... why is she so so hurt? I did not go look for someone else, i did not cheat or lie to her. All i did was fail to see her signals and take action. Did she see that as rejection??? i already explained as well as i could to her, but she seems so so scared or something...

 

If thats whats going on you need to just keep assuring her that your going to stay around and maybe eventually she'll decide it'd be worth it to give you another shot. Cause i honestly dont know how long i would be able to take before going back to my ex, even as strongly as i feel about not going back to him, if he was telling me the things you tell her i'd eventually give in.

 

I pray to God this is the case... if i overdo it, i'd smother her and drive her further away... if i back off, she'd let go... i just need to work out the best way of doing it so that i dun mess it up... n apart from ur invaluable insight into all this, i've had precious little to go on... i came to this forum seeking to understand what goes on in a girl's head becos doing it myself was getting me into deeper and deeper trouble...

[Menafee]

The difference with me is that i have not found and will not look for another to replace her. I told her that. i told her i'd wait for her til the end of time... and i mean it. but i don't think i've ever made her happy though. our love has made us so miserable... the happiness has not really been there becos we really never got the chance... i want her to be happy, which was why i said i'd be happy for her if she found someone to take care of her... apparently, she is not happy at all... if there is someone else at all......

 

 

I was kind of saying your going through the same thing as me, i told him i'd wait too. See it's not just a girl thing guys can do the same things. And he once told me in a arguement, in a myspace message, that he was never happy with me so i know how it feels to think there not happy. He later said he was just mad and i said some really bad things before that but it still sucked! And i do still care about him and i feel the same way i just want him to be happy, i just know he deserves way better than his new girl and he could do way better! But neways if there is somebody else i wouldnt be worried about it since she's still not happy. Eventually she'll feel bad about being with him, if he exists, and loving someone else. At least thats how it was with me and probably any caring person.

 

 

I wonder if i will get to a stage where all my attempts will just get old and transition into stalking or harassment. I dun want that, but i fear if i stop she'll see that as a signal i've given up again... my mistake has been not showing my commitment to her, and i dun want that either. i just don't know what she wants from me... i just left her alone for a few days last week, and she was already posting abt learning to let go and live with it... OMG.... but when i try to call her she doesn't want to talk. Nothing makes sense. i dun understand... ...

 

I dont understand that either, your in a no win situation, obviously, and i dont know what to tell you since i dont know her so i have no clue how she thinks or what she's going through, thats where her bestfriend would come in handy.

 

I can't deny maybe the bf does exist... i am not in denial... but consider this: since this bf supposedly turned up, there's been no posts on her MSN abt him... apart from a handful of neutral lines when she was a bit calmer, it's been 7 months of postings all abt heartbreak and love and i know it's abt me becos these are always in response to my texts or emails... if this bf really exists, i just can't wrap my mind around it... can u? Would u post abt nothing but ur ex when u already have some one else?...

 

Yes i have, because i wasnt over my ex and was only trying to forget about him. We only lasted 2 weeks tho because he knew how i felt and although he was fine with it, hoping he'd start to grow on me or something, i felt like i was using him and he deserved way better so i ended it. Like i said she'll probably end up doing the same way if she really does have a bf.

 

And... why is she so so hurt? I did not go look for someone else, i did not cheat or lie to her. All i did was fail to see her signals and take action. Did she see that as rejection??? i already explained as well as i could to her, but she seems so so scared or something......

 

It doesnt sound to me like you've done anything wrong maybe she realized she really likes you and got scared, as dumb as that may sound. Thats what happened to me when i realized how much i really loved my ex, i got scared because i have trouble letting guys get close so i did some dumb things that im not proud of, although he still doesnt know about them.

 

I pray to God this is the case... if i overdo it, i'd smother her and drive her further away... if i back off, she'd let go... i just need to work out the best way of doing it so that i dun mess it up... n apart from ur invaluable insight into all this, i've had precious little to go on... i came to this forum seeking to understand what goes on in a girl's head becos doing it myself was getting me into deeper and deeper trouble...

 

Its pretty much impossible for anybody who doesnt know her to say how much is too much or too little contact for her. For me personally if a guy tries to have more than 2 conversations on the phone a day is too much for me, i dont even have to talk to a guy everyday but thats just me. Friends say im more like a guy in that way. But on the otherhand my bestfriend has to talk to her bf at least every hour otherwise he's "ignoring her"..i say she's crazy but thats how she is. It really depends on the person which is what makes relationships so hard

[mythologymajor]

And i do still care about him and i feel the same way i just want him to be happy, i just know he deserves way better than his new girl and he could do way better!

 

Are u still in contact with him? i thot it was u that left him... y were u waiting for him then? And he didn't respond after that?

 

 

I dont understand that either, your in a no win situation, obviously, and i dont know what to tell you since i dont know her so i have no clue how she thinks or what she's going through, thats where her bestfriend would come in handy.

 

C'mon, give me a guess, or two... even if it's wild speculation... this question has been driving me mad... someone standing a few steps back might have a more objective and clearer view of this than i do...

 

 

Yes i have, because i wasnt over my ex and was only trying to forget about him. We only lasted 2 weeks tho because he knew how i felt and although he was fine with it, hoping he'd start to grow on me or something, i felt like i was using him and he deserved way better so i ended it. Like i said she'll probably end up doing the same way if she really does have a bf.

 

That sounds like u were posting as a grieving process, to get over it... am i rite? You were like sad and hurt and heartbroken... but u eventually got better and left it behind u? How long was this process? She's been at it since November last year... it goes something like this: lost - hearbroken - love u - trying really hard - u've hurt me too much - u were too sensitive - finally it's over - start anew - thinking of him - love u - really hurt - pls forgive me - painful times - something always brings me back to u - lost - thinking of him - despair - time to learn let go - love u forever.

 

Can u grieve or try to get over someone for so many months? Is that what's she's trying to do, u think? Her posts are almost always in response to something i sent her... the last 2 is freaking me out becos it seems to be pointing in a direction of final closure (more precisely, "time to learn let go" - status for almost 1 week - then status was blank for 5 days or so. The "love u forever" was posted 3 days ago, it's still there now) So i am not sure if she's given up the learning to let go and just went back to loving me, or she's graduated from learning to let go, and taking another step towards closure by admitting she'll always love me, but has decided to let go... i am freaking out busting my head over this...

 

 

It doesnt sound to me like you've done anything wrong maybe she realized she really likes you and got scared, as dumb as that may sound. Thats what happened to me when i realized how much i really loved my ex, i got scared because i have trouble letting guys get close so i did some dumb things that im not proud of, although he still doesnt know about them.

 

I hope this is the real reason for her behavour... she seems unable to respond in any sensible manner, and so she chooses to not try? Now that i think abt it, i do notice a pattern... in a few phone calls (when we were still talking to each other), when the conversation goes into more intimate subjects, she would often "go offline" and just keeps saying "dunno" or "not sure" - it's sort of like playful and flirty and i never got any other impression other than that i had pressed a button and she was responding positively... i would always give up pursuing the question and we would change the subject, but it was good in its own way, nothing bad there...

 

Another thing i remember is that during our 'dates' she always talked non-stop abt her work, her workplace and colleagues. Sometimes we would talk abt her family and stuff, but I always got the impression that she was more comfortable talking abt trivial stuff... being the gentleman, i always listened attentively, but in my mind i was always wondering why she won't let us get to know one another closer... that's also one reason why i was slow in taking things further, i just wasn't getting the signals i needed. But i do know that i could have been much more aggressive and that she was probably waiting for me to take more positive action... because she never did give me clear signals, when she suddenly told me she had a bf, i really did think it was true, and gave her my blessings and offered to be friends forever. It was immediately after that that i realised, i had made a big mistake, when she posted (within minutes of that conversation) saying perhaps she had made a mistake by being true to him... initially i thot she was posting abt her bf, but i discovered very soon that it was abt me, and has been ever since...

 

Perhaps it's as u mentioned, that she got nervous and scared once she discovered that she'd changed and had feelings for me, and given her inability to open herself (for whatever reason), and once i revealed all my feelings for her, she just froze up? But i now realise that i hurt her bad when i did not take follow up action when she put herself out a few times - i was terrified and confused too... i had explained this to her, i just dunno if she'll be able to get past all that hurt i've caused her... i must have left her adrift in all sorts of painful ponderings for many nights and even weeks.

 

I once emailed her abt how much i loved her, in the middle of the night - the next morning she reads it - she calls immediately, but asks abt an invoice amount for a job that was 1 year old (which she knows abt full well and able to find out without asking me) - her tone was soft and demure - i just answered the question - she said ok - i asked if i could call her later that evening - she said sure - we hung up. After hanging up, i was killing myself wondering what happened, why she didn't say anything... i was so confused and scared that i did not make that call that evening, i didn't call her for days........... I think i really hurt her... but like i said, i was confused... maybe now i see that she really put herself forward (but found herself unable to vocalise anything of importance so asked abt inconsequentials...) and i blew it big time... This kind of thing happened around 3 times i think... do u think this has been a factor in her fears and actions now?

 

 

Its pretty much impossible for anybody who doesnt know her to say how much is too much or too little contact for her. For me personally if a guy tries to have more than 2 conversations on the phone a day is too much for me, i dont even have to talk to a guy everyday but thats just me. Friends say im more like a guy in that way. But on the otherhand my bestfriend has to talk to her bf at least every hour otherwise he's "ignoring her"..i say she's crazy but thats how she is. It really depends on the person which is what makes relationships so hard

 

We used to talk at least one or twice everyday - i'd call her, sometimes she'd call me, and she even once told me how unhappy she was if she didn't hear of news from me.. back in those days when i was chasing her but she was platonic, i'd sometimes leave her alone for a few days because i was hurt when she declined a date... she was the one who always called or texted me first... when we got back together after she rejected me, i did not dare to do anything anymore, and so called her only once a week or even two weeks. After 5 months of this really casual contact, she dropped her bf bomb... Now i don't get calls or texts from her anymore... i'd be lucky if she even takes my call, which she hasn't for a few weeks now. maybe she feels i kept her waiting for too long and she wants me to feel what she felt? if that's the case, i will gladly wait it out... or perhaps she is afraid i will go back to 'ignoring' her if she takes me back?

 

i am so sorry this is so complicated...

[Menafee]

Are u still in contact with him? i thot it was u that left him... y were u waiting for him then? And he didn't respond after that?

No im not still in contact with him directly, he always goes over to my sisters place to hangout and we share many friends so i always hear about him. He hears about me too, but i know he actually asks what im doing at times, i know he also still cares but we simply just value different things. He broke up with me, im unsure when i said i was waiting for him so it was probably in our in-between period. We originally took a break so he could work on getting a better job and i would go to school more. We werent the best influences on eachother he often called into work and i wouldnt go to school so we'd have more time together, he knew if he wasnt around i'd go and graduate. He thought he was holding me back and worried i wouldnt graduate, which i did and it was mostly for him. And i told him the last mes. i ever sent to him that i was letting him go so he could be happy because he deserved better than i gave him and i hoped someday he would find someone who makes him as happy as he made me. He never replied to that, and i also didnt know at the time he was already with his new girlfriend.

 

That sounds like u were posting as a grieving process, to get over it... am i rite? You were like sad and hurt and heartbroken... but u eventually got better and left it behind u? How long was this process? She's been at it since November last year... it goes something like this: lost - hearbroken - love u - trying really hard - u've hurt me too much - u were too sensitive - finally it's over - start anew - thinking of him - love u - really hurt - pls forgive me - painful times - something always brings me back to u - lost - thinking of him - despair - time to learn let go - love u forever.

 

Can u grieve or try to get over someone for so many months? Is that what's she's trying to do, u think? Her posts are almost always in response to something i sent her... the last 2 is freaking me out becos it seems to be pointing in a direction of final closure (more precisely, "time to learn let go" - status for almost 1 week - then status was blank for 5 days or so. The "love u forever" was posted 3 days ago, it's still there now) So i am not sure if she's given up the learning to let go and just went back to loving me, or she's graduated from learning to let go, and taking another step towards closure by admitting she'll always love me, but has decided to let go... i am freaking out busting my head over this...

Ive basically been trying to get over it for almost 2 years in jan. I still have my moments when i feel like we just broke up yesterday, like when i found out he let her move into our house with him, or yesterday when i saw his mom at the store after all this time and she introduced me as her daughter in law. But im basically over it, i know we werent meant to be together, i just really want us to be friends again thats what i miss. But your girl sounds like she's trying to get over it, but usually when you post things like moving on or something like that your trying to convince yourself of it. And her putting that she'll love you forever is more than likely a good thing, knowing you feel that way is a good thing.

 

I hope this is the real reason for her behavour... she seems unable to respond in any sensible manner, and so she chooses to not try? Now that i think abt it, i do notice a pattern... in a few phone calls (when we were still talking to each other), when the conversation goes into more intimate subjects, she would often "go offline" and just keeps saying "dunno" or "not sure" - it's sort of like playful and flirty and i never got any other impression other than that i had pressed a button and she was responding positively... i would always give up pursuing the question and we would change the subject, but it was good in its own way, nothing bad there...

 

Another thing i remember is that during our 'dates' she always talked non-stop abt her work, her workplace and colleagues. Sometimes we would talk abt her family and stuff, but I always got the impression that she was more comfortable talking abt trivial stuff... being the gentleman, i always listened attentively, but in my mind i was always wondering why she won't let us get to know one another closer... that's also one reason why i was slow in taking things further, i just wasn't getting the signals i needed. But i do know that i could have been much more aggressive and that she was probably waiting for me to take more positive action... because she never did give me clear signals, when she suddenly told me she had a bf, i really did think it was true, and gave her my blessings and offered to be friends forever. It was immediately after that that i realised, i had made a big mistake, when she posted (within minutes of that conversation) saying perhaps she had made a mistake by being true to him... initially i thot she was posting abt her bf, but i discovered very soon that it was abt me, and has been ever since...

 

She sounds very much like me thats what i do talk about work, school, friends, even a funny movie if it comes up. Thats my big problem but im aware of it and working on it, she may be too. But for me whenever anything personal comes up i get really uncomfortable and try to change the subject. Which is actually another huge reason me and my ex broke up because he'd get personal and i'd distract him so he'd forget about what he was talking about, and since im a girl i know the best way to distract him is sex. Hope u dont think im a bad person 4 that im not a slut. But neways he was convinced i was using him cause thats "all i wanted to do". Anyways not being able to talk about personal stuff isnt exactly a bad thing, the only people that know about my sad childhood memories are the people that were there while everything was happening, doesnt mean i dont love the other people i just dont like to think about it, she may be the same way?

 

Perhaps it's as u mentioned, that she got nervous and scared once she discovered that she'd changed and had feelings for me, and given her inability to open herself (for whatever reason), and once i revealed all my feelings for her, she just froze up? But i now realise that i hurt her bad when i did not take follow up action when she put herself out a few times - i was terrified and confused too... i had explained this to her, i just dunno if she'll be able to get past all that hurt i've caused her... i must have left her adrift in all sorts of painful ponderings for many nights and even weeks.

 

I once emailed her abt how much i loved her, in the middle of the night - the next morning she reads it - she calls immediately, but asks abt an invoice amount for a job that was 1 year old (which she knows abt full well and able to find out without asking me) - her tone was soft and demure - i just answered the question - she said ok - i asked if i could call her later that evening - she said sure - we hung up. After hanging up, i was killing myself wondering what happened, why she didn't say anything... i was so confused and scared that i did not make that call that evening, i didn't call her for days........... I think i really hurt her... but like i said, i was confused... maybe now i see that she really put herself forward (but found herself unable to vocalise anything of importance so asked abt inconsequentials...) and i blew it big time... This kind of thing happened around 3 times i think... do u think this has been a factor in her fears and actions now?

 

I think she did get scared but she does need to understand that your human to and we usually dont do the right thing, we all get scared and everyones scared of rejection from someone they care about. But i do agree that when she called you after she read your message you should have called her back, its understandable since you wrote the message and she should have brought it up first or at least mentioned it but again she sounds like me. When you ask her if you can call her later you should def. call her, although she may say sure or she doesnt care im sure she watches her phone all day waiting, i know i do. Do you mind if i ask your ages? It might help

 

i am so sorry this is so complicated...

Thats fine relationships are complicated, thats why i got on this thing because i was confused remember? Although mine seems dumb now that i got some input from a guy that doesnt have another motive. All i was hearing before is "you need to be with a guy like me" or "you should just be with me i wont put you through this you deserve better" which didnt help me at all if you can believe that..

[mythologymajor]

Ive basically been trying to get over it for almost 2 years in jan. I still have my moments when i feel like we just broke up yesterday, like when i found out he let her move into our house with him, or yesterday when i saw his mom at the store after all this time and she introduced me as her daughter in law. But im basically over it, i know we werent meant to be together, i just really want us to be friends again thats what i miss.

 

Wow, it really sounds like u had a great thing going, maybe if it was at a different stage in ur lives, things might've turned out different... it also sounds like u live in a community that makes it harder for you to move on... even ur new guy is connected haha... sorry abt that... what's keeping u from becoming friends then? Though by the sound of it, you'd fall back for him, won't u?

 

Alas for me, it isn't so easy... the only way i can keep myself in her thoughts is to keep on contacting her, or try to anyways.... we live 30 minutes apart, in separate areas of the city, don't work together anymore, we have no connection left... i know absence can make the heart grow fonder, but i've been there, done that... i might even say i overdid that part...

 

But your girl sounds like she's trying to get over it, but usually when you post things like moving on or something like that your trying to convince yourself of it. And her putting that she'll love you forever is more than likely a good thing, knowing you feel that way is a good thing.

 

Just had a status update around an hour ago... it says now, she'll remember all the good things, as long as she lives.

 

Doesn't this sound like another step towards the endgame? But if she needs as long as u have to finally move on, i still have a chance, right?

 

She sounds very much like me thats what i do talk about work, school, friends, even a funny movie if it comes up. Thats my big problem but im aware of it and working on it, she may be too. But for me whenever anything personal comes up i get really uncomfortable and try to change the subject. Which is actually another huge reason me and my ex broke up because he'd get personal and i'd distract him so he'd forget about what he was talking about, and since im a girl i know the best way to distract him is sex. Hope u dont think im a bad person 4 that im not a slut. But neways he was convinced i was using him cause thats "all i wanted to do". Anyways not being able to talk about personal stuff isnt exactly a bad thing, the only people that know about my sad childhood memories are the people that were there while everything was happening, doesnt mean i dont love the other people i just dont like to think about it, she may be the same way?

 

So, when u talk abt nothing but non-personal stuff, it doesn't really mean u are not interested in a guy? Or were u just waiting for the guy to make the play? For me, it translates to 'no, i dun want to share my personal stuff with you becos i am just not that into you'. Did i get that wrong?

 

She didn't distract me with sex though ... she just tries to change the subject to work. Every single time when i try something romantic, she'd do that - quickly change the discussion to work. To me, it was rejection, and needed a long time to work up the nerve to try again...sometimes weeks or months... did i get all that wrong??

 

She'd sometimes talk abt her life to me, her family and stuff... but she really didn't show any interest in me... never asked me anything abt myself or my past... i was thinking like, if u dun see me as a candidate for a serious relationship, u probably won't ask anything abt me, rite? This was during the stage where i was doing the chasing while she was platonic... when we got back together, i kept it too casual, so the situation never arose for anything to happen... so i don't know if she had changed by then... i just know now she finds it too painful to even talk to me...

 

I think she did get scared but she does need to understand that your human to and we usually dont do the right thing, we all get scared and everyones scared of rejection from someone they care about. But i do agree that when she called you after she read your message you should have called her back, its understandable since you wrote the message and she should have brought it up first or at least mentioned it but again she sounds like me. When you ask her if you can call her later you should def. call her, although she may say sure or she doesnt care im sure she watches her phone all day waiting, i know i do. Do you mind if i ask your ages? It might help

 

May i ask... why would u be unable to bring it up? It makes it look like u disregarded my painful writings i spent all night composing... it's as if u didn't even read it... when u pick up the phone to call, what was going on in ur head? Were u giving me a chance to talk abt it? When i failed to do so becos u were talking abt other stuff, what was going on in ur head? Sorry to put u in the sentences like this, but u know what i mean? can u share? becos it really looks like u and my girl are so alike it's like the u r the same person... every little bit of intel i can get on how she thinks could save my life!!

 

She is 30, senior executive in A&P, independent, smart, pretty, friendly, outgoing, chased after by guys (more successful and richer ones, the rest don't seem to dare or get far). I am 36, own small web n advertising company, independent, smart, not ugly, confident but shy to point of appearing aloof, will only wait for this 1 girl. forever.

 

Thats fine relationships are complicated, thats why i got on this thing because i was confused remember? Although mine seems dumb now that i got some input from a guy that doesnt have another motive. All i was hearing before is "you need to be with a guy like me" or "you should just be with me i wont put you through this you deserve better" which didnt help me at all if you can believe that..

 

I am glad i can help in my small way, although i am even gladder i have found someone who has given me a better understanding of what's happened to me... i just hope it's not too late for me... i can't shake the feeling an endgame is approaching, with her last 3 status posts... that's the end of my life.. i mean it...

[Menafee]

Wow, it really sounds like u had a great thing going, maybe if it was at a different stage in ur lives, things might've turned out different... it also sounds like u live in a community that makes it harder for you to move on... even ur new guy is connected haha... sorry abt that... what's keeping u from becoming friends then? Though by the sound of it, you'd fall back for him, won't u?

 

We did have a great thing but the thing really is that we want 2 different lives. We both grew up with very little money so now he's all about money, he wants the big house with a pool and a fast car and he's unhappy without it. Our biggest fight was money, where he wanted money i wanted love. He hates how i dont want all the big expensive things he does how i "lack motivation" to get it. Im more comfortable in my little house with my normal size tv and my klunker car. Money's not my first priority like it is for him, and his new girl is from a very rich family and is all about money also. And yes hearing about him does make it harder and i really miss his family, who i was very close too, especially his mom. I tried to be friends but he wouldnt respond, he's probably worried one of us would fall for the other again also, but im not sure this new guy is so much like him in many ways, except he's fine with the little things and i dont know he's just so much better than my ex.

Alas for me, it isn't so easy... the only way i can keep myself in her thoughts is to keep on contacting her, or try to anyways.... we live 30 minutes apart, in separate areas of the city, don't work together anymore, we have no connection left... i know absence can make the heart grow fonder, but i've been there, done that... i might even say i overdid that part...

 

Its hard when you have no way of seeing them, and it sucks not knowing if you should keep calling or quit. I think eventually you have to do what you feel is best, should you keep contact or should you take a break. You have to think about what you really want to do, not so much how she's going to react..which i know is really hard to do, but if you feel what your doing is best and not what you think she wanted then if you end up not working at least you know you reacted like you. Does that make sense? Im meaning if you dont work out and you did what you thought she would've wanted instead of what you personally think you should have wont you wonder if you were just yourself if it would've worked out? Hopefully you wont have to worry about not working out, but its something to think about, just be yourself.

 

Just had a status update around an hour ago... it says now, she'll remember all the good things, as long as she lives.

 

Doesn't this sound like another step towards the endgame? But if she needs as long as u have to finally move on, i still have a chance, right?

 

Ha yeah i think you still have a chance, it sounds like she's trying to convince herself that she'll be okay she sounds depressed. That could also be a good status also because hopefully she has a good friend to talk to so she's started to come around and be happier, which would hopefully mean she could handle talking to you.

 

So, when u talk abt nothing but non-personal stuff, it doesn't really mean u are not interested in a guy? Or were u just waiting for the guy to make the play? For me, it translates to 'no, i dun want to share my personal stuff with you becos i am just not that into you'. Did i get that wrong?

 

When i talk about nothing but non-personal stuff it doesnt mean im interested, it just means im scared of getting hurt by a guy again..you could say i have daddy issues. Thats a big problem for me because i dont like getting personal so guys basically take it the same way as you did, uninterested. But for me personally i know all about their personal lifes, maybe they tell me hoping i'll feel more comfortable opening up? Did you try and tell her some of your personal things?

 

 

May i ask... why would u be unable to bring it up? It makes it look like u disregarded my painful writings i spent all night composing... it's as if u didn't even read it... when u pick up the phone to call, what was going on in ur head? Were u giving me a chance to talk abt it? When i failed to do so becos u were talking abt other stuff, what was going on in ur head? Sorry to put u in the sentences like this, but u know what i mean? can u share? becos it really looks like u and my girl are so alike it's like the u r the same person... every little bit of intel i can get on how she thinks could save my life!!

 

I probably wouldnt have even called i would've wrote a letter back, like i said thats the only way im comfortable with saying how i really feel. Im not sure why she called maybe she thought she could talk to you and then froze up when she heard your voice. You said she asked about something old that she already knew, so she probably didnt have much time to figure out a different reason for calling after she got too scared to say the actually reason she was calling.

[mythologymajor]

We did have a great thing but the thing really is that we want 2 different lives. We both grew up with very little money so now he's all about money, he wants the big house with a pool and a fast car and he's unhappy without it. Our biggest fight was money, where he wanted money i wanted love.

 

Why does money and love have to be mutually exclusive? If i were the guy in the same situation, i'd go bust my ass to get money to give my girl a better life... believe me u dun want a guy who's anything but that... Maybe i dunno the whole story, but it looks to me it would've been a good balance, one focused on money and the other love... Anyways, i guess u have to look forwards... and learn from the past...

 

 

Its hard when you have no way of seeing them, and it sucks not knowing if you should keep calling or quit. I think eventually you have to do what you feel is best, should you keep contact or should you take a break. You have to think about what you really want to do, not so much how she's going to react..which i know is really hard to do, but if you feel what your doing is best and not what you think she wanted then if you end up not working at least you know you reacted like you. Does that make sense? Im meaning if you dont work out and you did what you thought she would've wanted instead of what you personally think you should have wont you wonder if you were just yourself if it would've worked out? Hopefully you wont have to worry about not working out, but its something to think about, just be yourself.

 

I am a very stubborn person, i dun give up on anything. But a lot of my actions have been in response to her MSN postings... i mean, no matter how stubborn i was, if she had blocked/deleted me, if she stopped reading my stuff and stopped posting abt me and showed to me that she's moved on and happy, i wouldn't have been able to do anything, would i? i am still here becos she won't let go... a friend told me i can't wait for her to let go, that i have to draw a line somewhere, and stop, no matter what she does. But i love her too much, and as long as i have a shot, i am not going to let go.

 

 

When i talk about nothing but non-personal stuff it doesnt mean im interested, it just means im scared of getting hurt by a guy again..you could say i have daddy issues. Thats a big problem for me because i dont like getting personal so guys basically take it the same way as you did, uninterested. But for me personally i know all about their personal lifes, maybe they tell me hoping i'll feel more comfortable opening up? Did you try and tell her some of your personal things?

 

No, i didn't. I m quite reserved as a person... opposite of her... i dun easily open to ppl, and though i really liked her and she easily gave me her time (at that time), when she showed no interest in my personal life, i tried to patiently build something up... for me, if i forced my life stories on her without invitation, it'll be like i am embarrassing myself, u know? maybe i shoulda tried harder, but that's the way i am... frankly, if she hadn't made the first move way back then, i wouldn't even be here right now...

 

Im not sure why she called maybe she thought she could talk to you and then froze up when she heard your voice. You said she asked about something old that she already knew, so she probably didnt have much time to figure out a different reason for calling after she got too scared to say the actually reason she was calling.

 

That's one of the reasons i was so confused... she was always the one taking the initiative, she was the forward one, i guess u might even say at that point she had the power in our relationship... When she made no mention of it, i stupidly thot she didn't want to talk abt it. Only months later, when everything has fallen apart, when i really thought abt it, did it occur to me she might have been trying to reach out... i'd say this is where i made my biggest mistake - when she reached out and i failed to see it. This happened a few times. I might lose her becos of this...

 

Ha yeah i think you still have a chance, it sounds like she's trying to convince herself that she'll be okay she sounds depressed. That could also be a good status also because hopefully she has a good friend to talk to so she's started to come around and be happier, which would hopefully mean she could handle talking to you.

 

I really hope so... i am anxious abt one thing though, she had blocked me from her MSN after i talked too much and made her emotional on monday (it's friday now) and she still hasn't unblocked me yet. She's posting these loving me forever and stuff updates, but she still hasn't unblocked me. Sometimes she unblocks me after a few days, but the last time was like 10 days. Maybe this time it's different? Maybe this time she's decided to end it for good, block or delete me for good, and those postings are her way of mourning? omg.....

[Menafee]

Why does money and love have to be mutually exclusive? If i were the guy in the same situation, i'd go bust my ass to get money to give my girl a better life... believe me u dun want a guy who's anything but that... Maybe i dunno the whole story, but it looks to me it would've been a good balance, one focused on money and the other love... Anyways, i guess u have to look forwards... and learn from the past...

 

 

Yeah you'd think it'd be a good balance, i think it just had more to do with our age. It's not like he ever made me pay for anything, although it was usually about 50/50, it was more him thinking he's holding me back. He knows i can do more than my life goals, but i dont want too. He mainly just felt that i deserved better than him because he wanted to buy me more, although i was perfectly fine with the life we had, he wanted better. And the thing that bothered me most was i always felt like i came 4th. There was 1.his family 2.money 3.his friends(at that time mainly my new guy, who i never even saw until after we broke up), and then me. And i never understood why he didnt let me meet any of his friends except our friend zach, who is now one of my bestfriends. Another thing that really bothers me now is my sisters dating his other bestfriend, and we never went over to their place but he brings his new girl to see them. It just annoys me but its long and over with now.

 

Sorry for bringing up these things they dont really help you with your thread. Although its helping to actually tell someone these things though, i havent admitted alot of these things to my friends because they hate that i still think/care about him after everything we've been through, and some of the things are kind of embarrassing for someone like me to admit..

 

I am a very stubborn person, i dun give up on anything. But a lot of my actions have been in response to her MSN postings... i mean, no matter how stubborn i was, if she had blocked/deleted me, if she stopped reading my stuff and stopped posting abt me and showed to me that she's moved on and happy, i wouldn't have been able to do anything, would i? i am still here becos she won't let go... a friend told me i can't wait for her to let go, that i have to draw a line somewhere, and stop, no matter what she does. But i love her too much, and as long as i have a shot, i am not going to let go.

 

I also had that problem about him not letting me go, so i cant help you out there at all. I simply dont understand it. But i do think if your truely over someone you should have no problem seeing them and being friends with them. So them not ending it and letting us go means they still love us and cant face us. Im sure its more with her than my ex, because i know he's trying to force himself he's happy but its clear to everyone hes not. But he's on his way to being happy. I dont think your girl is going to find someone else who makes her happy while she's clearly still loving you. And if another guy is in the picture she's not happy, because she's trying to force happiness which doesnt work but is also good for you if she relizes it's not going to work.

 

 

No, i didn't. I m quite reserved as a person... opposite of her... i dun easily open to ppl, and though i really liked her and she easily gave me her time (at that time), when she showed no interest in my personal life, i tried to patiently build something up... for me, if i forced my life stories on her without invitation, it'll be like i am embarrassing myself, u know? maybe i shoulda tried harder, but that's the way i am... frankly, if she hadn't made the first move way back then, i wouldn't even be here right now...

 

 

I think this kind of goes with the ending of the post i just replied to on my thread. About questioning if two people who find it hard to open up can really have a successful relationship. Its something im really struggling with right now, and theres not really much of a answer ppl can give other than change how you are. I know its hard to open up. And im also usually the first to make the first move i usually come off very confident, sometimes even over-confident but then when it comes to personal stuff i cant do it and feel insecure and uncomfortable.

 

That's one of the reasons i was so confused... she was always the one taking the initiative, she was the forward one, i guess u might even say at that point she had the power in our relationship... When she made no mention of it, i stupidly thot she didn't want to talk abt it. Only months later, when everything has fallen apart, when i really thought abt it, did it occur to me she might have been trying to reach out... i'd say this is where i made my biggest mistake - when she reached out and i failed to see it. This happened a few times. I might lose her becos of this...

 

If the loves really strong then a few mistakes shouldnt be enough to ruin the relationship completely, it may cause a break and many problems but it shouldnt completely end it. Eventually if its really meant to be it'll happen again, hopefully sooner than later.

 

I really hope so... i am anxious abt one thing though, she had blocked me from her MSN after i talked too much and made her emotional on monday (it's friday now) and she still hasn't unblocked me yet. She's posting these loving me forever and stuff updates, but she still hasn't unblocked me. Sometimes she unblocks me after a few days, but the last time was like 10 days. Maybe this time it's different? Maybe this time she's decided to end it for good, block or delete me for good, and those postings are her way of mourning? omg.....

 

Its hard to say about the blocking and unblocking thing, its immature but its nothing i havent done. I knew it was immature and dumb but i still did it so she probably knows it is too. But most likely since she's done it before and always ended up unblocking you evenually, she'll do it again

Edited July 31, 2010 by Menafee

[mythologymajor]

He mainly just felt that i deserved better than him because he wanted to buy me more, although i was perfectly fine with the life we had, he wanted better. And the thing that bothered me most was i always felt like i came 4th. There was 1.his family 2.money 3.his friends(at that time mainly my new guy, who i never even saw until after we broke up), and then me.

 

Then he didn't do a good enuf job of keeping ur love. It should be: 1.The girl 2.family 3. Money, for the girl. 4. friends. If the girl is important enough to the guy, that's how it should be. And u shouldn't settle for anything less.

 

Sorry for bringing up these things they dont really help you with your thread. Although its helping to actually tell someone these things though, i havent admitted alot of these things to my friends because they hate that i still think/care about him after everything we've been through, and some of the things are kind of embarrassing for someone like me to admit..

 

Hey i thot that's what we're here for... i'm honoured u choose to share... hopefully u will find me a good listener... if i can help in anyway to make it easier, i'd be glad to listen and advise...

 

 

But i do think if your truely over someone you should have no problem seeing them and being friends with them. So them not ending it and letting us go means they still love us and cant face us. Im sure its more with her than my ex, because i know he's trying to force himself he's happy but its clear to everyone hes not. But he's on his way to being happy. I dont think your girl is going to find someone else who makes her happy while she's clearly still loving you. And if another guy is in the picture she's not happy, because she's trying to force happiness which doesnt work but is also good for you if she relizes it's not going to work.

 

I agree... i've tried to think of all kinds of explanations why she won't meet me a final time to say goodbye, on good terms... we were always very close and i've never did anything bad to her... so it was heartbreaking that she won't even give me closure, until i slowly began to realise the true situation, mostly from her MSN posts...

 

what i can't understand is if she still loves me, how she can ignore my pain and at the same time continue hurting herself? Why can't she just meet me and talk to me and just make the pain go away?? Why is it so hard to face me? I've done everything, begged, sent flowers, showed at her place, called, texted and emailed, explained, pleaded...

 

 

I think this kind of goes with the ending of the post i just replied to on my thread. About questioning if two people who find it hard to open up can really have a successful relationship. Its something im really struggling with right now, and theres not really much of a answer ppl can give other than change how you are. I know its hard to open up. And im also usually the first to make the first move i usually come off very confident, sometimes even over-confident but then when it comes to personal stuff i cant do it and feel insecure and uncomfortable.

 

I don't find it easy to open myself, but u know what, when u meet the right one, u will find urself doing anything to make sure it works... i failed to recognize her signals, and misread her responses... i am only now finding out from you what's been going on in her head (i am fairly confident of this, because ur responses and hers have been so similar its freaky). Hopefully if u find that the guy is the one, you'll take the right moves...

 

How i wish i met you half a year ago, when she hadn't been hurt as much as she has...

 

If the loves really strong then a few mistakes shouldnt be enough to ruin the relationship completely, it may cause a break and many problems but it shouldnt completely end it. Eventually if its really meant to be it'll happen again, hopefully sooner than later.

 

I hope you are right... although the mistakes really hurt her bad over many months. I've been hurt too, but that's fine. I deserve it for being so blind and stupid. She's a very complicated girl... she is very strong, but very weak. It's hard for her to say sorry or to admit mistakes. Because she is weak, she's unable to stop loving me. But becos she's strong, she can will herself to move on and force herself to be as happy as she can manage. Perhaps that's why she keeps telling me to leave her alone, although it's not really full heartedly so - it's more ignoring me and when really pushed, brings up the bf and tells me to respect her and her bf. Once, after i texted her in the middle of the night, she texted right back saying something like: 'pls dun text me late at night like this anymore, i appreciate my relationship with my bf and dun want to hurt him'.

 

To me, that really lacked the strength that was required to kill me off. Of course it hurt like heck, but over the days when i thot back on it, what the heck does 'appreciate my relationship' mean?? if she really wanted me to leave her alone, she coulda said that she loved her bf, or she coulda ask me to move on, dun waste ur time... or just give in to my requests to meet her one last time to say goodbye... or even better, get the bf to tell me to lay off... it's as if she didn't want me to go away, but when we talk directly, she always brings up her bf (to piss me off??) and just asks me to not call her anymore. Couldn't she make it clearer, since i am so dim-witted that i am not getting the message??

 

Does that still sound like you? Does she bring up the bf to hurt me back or is it to test me, goad me into an impulsive reaction so that she gets an idea where i am at? At one stage, it was as if she was trying to find every opportunity to bring up the bf... In the beginning, i kept asking to say goodbye each time she does it... now i've learned not to do that... i asked to say goodbye from november last year to april this year... from then on, i slowly bumbled myself to where i am at now... could it be that because i've let her down for so long, even though now i've stopped trying to leave her, she needs to test the water a few more times to make sure b4 she feels comfortable letting me back in?

 

And, btw... u've been a great support the last few days... i've been really struggling, been so bad my work's been affected... u helped me find some peace, and hope...

[Menafee]

I wrote you anothr big long message but then it said i wasnt logged in and then said it couldnt reload because i was on during the previous post or something? anyways i dont have enough time to reply again..and it was really long last time. But i will do it asap tomarrow

[mythologymajor]

I wrote you anothr big long message but then it said i wasnt logged in and then said it couldnt reload because i was on during the previous post or something? anyways i dont have enough time to reply again..and it was really long last time. But i will do it asap tomarrow

 

Ha... it happened to me once... after that disaster, i copied my whole response b4 i post to make sure i don't lose my effort again .. Anyway, i have no one but u in my corner now... so pls do take ur time, cos every little bit counts... omg that sounded so needy... but u know what? I tried to fix it on my own for more than half a year, and have ended up on the brink of losing my girl for good... at the last chance saloon, u gotta do what u gotta do, and i thank the heavens u happened to come along...

[Sophia8]

Well that was a lot of messages to read through, I think that I'm up-to-date.

 

The only suggestion that I can make is that you send her one last email if she won't answer your calls and you can't see her in public, after all you can not keep chasing her and you can not force her to talk to you or say goodbye to her. In that email explain how you feel about her, without sounding desperate, tell her why you love her, even how you first fell in love with her. Include what you've explained here, that you only want her to be happy, that you understand that she may be confused (because to me, from what you have been saying, she sounds very confused and doesn't know what she wants) and that you will now give her some space to let her think things through. Make her aware that you will always be there for her, if she needs to talk to contact you and just emphasise that you only want her to be happy.

 

In this email I would not mention anything about wanting to meet her to properly say goodbye etc. Just make it clear how you feel about her but don't pressurise her because if she is confused and you pressurise her, it could make things worse.

 

The hard part is once you have sent this email do not contact her again, make sure that you say everything in this email, even if it means drafting it out a few times over a few days. Sometimes you have to walk away otherwise things can become worse.

[You'reasian]

This is a plea for help, and i am wondering if there is anyone out there who's having the same experience... I am crazy abt this girl, who appears to be in love with me, but she has only made her feelings known thru her MSN personal message (you know, the one that u can type out to accompany your MSN nick). But she won’t talk to me at all. It’s as if there are 2 different persons, 1 who won’t give me the time of the day, the other who is hurting bad because of me… I know she is hurting, and I want to make it better, but she won’t talk to me! I’ve tried everything, nothing is working, and I finally ended up here on this site…

 

Guys, how long can a girl who has been hurt, give the person who hurt her the cold treatment? She won’t talk to me at all. I keep sending her love emails and texts, and in her MSN posts, she responds to those. But she won’t talk to me. It’s been many weeks now… what do I do?

 

 

We have been hurting each other since november last year… I was failing to take action when i needed to and she finally dropped a bombshell saying she “had a bf now”

 

I don’t know how I was supposed to respond, but I told her I would love her even if she had a bf or even got married, that I was happy she found someone to take care of her, that if she was willing to accept me as a friend, I would try to be the best friend that I can be. Don’t ask why I said that, my mouth was on autopilot at that moment, because I was so stunned. In her MSN posts, she was heartbroken. She gave me a few chances, i blew it everytime… she was hurt to an extent that she started to hurt me back by using her ‘bf’.

 

And everytime she mentioned her ‘bf’, I asked to meet her one final time to say farewell… she always cut me off, or blocks me from her MSN for a few days. In hindsight, I slowly figured out her MSN postings might be her way to talk to me, and in recent weeks, I have refrained from asking to say goodbye. I really love her, I wanted a farewell only because I wanted to have a clean break if she really had someone else. But she has been confusing me. She won’t give me my goodbye, she won’t tell me to stop, she is not blocking me off from her MSN. She just posts these heartbroken comments on her MSN, but she won’t talk to me anymore.

 

Is she testing me with this bf stuff? Is there a set of steps I am supposed to navigate? I don't know what i am supposed to do, it's as if i am going thru a process of trial and error, bumbling from one mistake to another with the hope of getting it right...

 

Am I supposed to give her space or am I supposed to keep calling her? If I leave her alone, it might show her I don’t care (and I have left her alone many times in the past, my biggest mistake). Perhaps she want me to show her my commitment by keeping at it, to keep trying?

 

How do you know it is actually her on MSN chat?

[mythologymajor]

Well that was a lot of messages to read through, I think that I'm up-to-date.

 

The only suggestion that I can make is that you send her one last email if she won't answer your calls and you can't see her in public, after all you can not keep chasing her and you can not force her to talk to you or say goodbye to her. In that email explain how you feel about her, without sounding desperate, tell her why you love her, even how you first fell in love with her. Include what you've explained here, that you only want her to be happy, that you understand that she may be confused (because to me, from what you have been saying, she sounds very confused and doesn't know what she wants) and that you will now give her some space to let her think things through. Make her aware that you will always be there for her, if she needs to talk to contact you and just emphasise that you only want her to be happy.

 

In this email I would not mention anything about wanting to meet her to properly say goodbye etc. Just make it clear how you feel about her but don't pressurise her because if she is confused and you pressurise her, it could make things worse.

 

The hard part is once you have sent this email do not contact her again, make sure that you say everything in this email, even if it means drafting it out a few times over a few days. Sometimes you have to walk away otherwise things can become worse.

 

Sophia8, thanks for taking the effort to read up... i really appreciate it... i know what u r saying, and i know i might reach a stage where i will need to do exactly that - tell her i i will give her the space and time that she needs and leave her alone.... the thing is, i think i need to exhaust all other avenues b4 doing that, becos i have left her alone b4, and i think it is becos i did that she's now scared to give me another chance.

 

I have already told her most of the things u suggested, and i know she's getting the message... but i dunno why she's still so scared... the only reason i can think is becos i hurt her very bad. I've been asking everyone here whether she's been testing me to see if i've finally changed and won't hurt her anymore... in the past i have left her alone when i should have called her, many times. Perhaps this time, she wants to make sure i am not going to give up so easily, again. So, it's like she's saying: 'you really hurt me very bad last time when u did nothing when i was waiting for you, i am very scared to be hurt again, so i don't dare to open up to u anymore until u can prove to me u will stick around for real this time and don't run away at the first sign of problems - if u cannot fight for me, i cannot accept you.' Does that make sense?