Loving 2 different persons

[mythologymajor]

How do you know it is actually her on MSN chat?

 

I know becos i have known her for many years... becos the way she posts her updates are direct responses to my communications wth her...

[Menafee]

So im not really up to date anymore so its not going to be as long this time..i dont know how to quote em nemore. Sorry it took so long ive been really down lately.

 

I agree with Sophia and thats pretty much what i originally said but we both know neither one of us are going to do that, so i'll just try and explain how i am.

 

I love how you said she's very strong yet very weak, that couldnt explain me better. I also find it nearly impossible to say im sorry or admit im not the closest thing to perfect there is, except i admit to you. And im also weak considering my situation with my ex and my new guy. And willing herself to move on and forcing herself to be as happy as she can, well thats exactly where im at all over again, but i'll tell you bout that im my post. But the only time i ever bring up another guy is when im hurt and want to hurt them too, also to see if they care. Right now if i told the newish guy,david, i wanted to be with someone else it would be to see if he cares, but if he told me he just wants me to be happy even if its not with him that would be a good enough answer for me to know he does care.

 

 

And as for the appreciate my relationship thing, well thats what i say about my bestfriends. Thats actually what i said about the guy i started dating the next day after the ex, matt, broke up with me. I started dating me good friend Kory that i always flirted with just having fun. He really liked me he tried to kiss me once at Matts house when he came over with some of my friends, so i told him i loved matt and couldnt hurt him then later told matt who basically just laughed. Then on Holloween matt was spose to go with me to Kory's house and decided he was going to bring his sad friend out and made me go without him, thats how much we trusted eachother.. But anyways I started dating Kory and i appreciated our relationship, he knew i loved Matt and wasnt over him but he decided he was going to wait and hoped i'd eventually care that much about him, we lasted a wk until i felt bad hes a really good guy and deserved way better and hes very happily married now.

[mythologymajor]

I love how you said she's very strong yet very weak, that couldnt explain me better. I also find it nearly impossible to say im sorry or admit im not the closest thing to perfect there is, except i admit to you. And im also weak considering my situation with my ex and my new guy. And willing herself to move on and forcing herself to be as happy as she can, well thats exactly where im at all over again, but i'll tell you bout that im my post.

 

U are exactly like her... and that's what i am scared of... that she'll just force herself to move on... but there's a difference in our situation, isn't there? I'm sorry that ur guy's been hurting u... but i am not hurting her anymore... i know i hurt her very badly b4 i wised up, but all i have been doing since then has been explaining to her what was going on in my head that made me do the things that hurt her, i've been telling her how much i love her...

 

But the only time i ever bring up another guy is when im hurt and want to hurt them too, also to see if they care. Right now if i told the newish guy,david, i wanted to be with someone else it would be to see if he cares, but if he told me he just wants me to be happy even if its not with him that would be a good enough answer for me to know he does care.

 

If that's what she was doing, then she knows that i had been willing to sacrifice myself for her happiness... but personally i think that she already knew from way back i care abt her... i suspect that she's doing it to hurt me when she's hurting, and also to see how i would react - maybe she wants me to fight for her and not give up so easily...

 

And... there's been new developments on my side here... u will remember how she blocked me since last monday... i was kinda praying that she'd unblock me again, because things were starting to point towards her looking for closure and moving on... if she had that intention, that time she blocked my would've been the final act, the no going back route. Do u see this as i do?

 

Well, to see where i am at, i put on my own status: "pls give love a chance". I know she sees me online, and how she reacts would hopefully tell me where i am standing... so... i put this status on monday (yesterday) around after lunch time... b4 that, i've not even been logging in... anyway, by around 3pm or so, she had unblocked me!!!

 

Of course, i didn't dare say a thing... i would've said the wrong thing again, so i kept quiet and just changed my status to read "i love you" after a while... so, that was yesterday.... this afternoon, when i logged on, she was there... i changed it to "dun dare say a word, for fear of saying the wrong thing..."

 

And so, here we are... i dare not msg her, dare not call her, dare not do anything - i've managed to screw up every single chance i've been given, and i am terrified to screw it up this time...

 

What should i do? Is she giving me a chance, finally? The fact that she unblocked me when my status was saying what it was has to mean something right? I know i'm gonna screw this up again... help me?

[Menafee]

The big difference in our situation is that you tell her how you feel. I think she is just scared and trying to convince herself that she cant be with you again because you've been through too much. She'll eventually give in and she probably already wants too, but like you said she's very strong and i know i can keep going without communication for years. But since you tell her a lot how much you care, thats a good thing it'll help her to relize you might still have a chance and havent already been through too much.

 

Im sure she does want you fight for her, i dont think there's really anybody who doesnt want the other person to fight for them. But it can also be really hard to know how to fight for someone. And although you may have made it obvious that you care about her, she may still have times when she thinks otherwise. From what you've said about david you think he cares, but im seriously thinking otherwise. Although you have told her how much you care about her, but were you already having problems when you actually came out and said how much you care?

 

I agree if she was done with you she would have kept you blocked, and i think you putting mes. up like she does is about the best thing you can do right now. Thats the only way she really communicates with you, so maybe thats what you should just start doing. After abt 2wks depending on her statuses i think you should try and talk to her but not about anything really serious just ask about her life or work or something like that.

[mythologymajor]

The big difference in our situation is that you tell her how you feel.

 

You can take the same route i have - let him know clearly how u feel. Then hopefully u won't have to double guess what's going in his head anymore? Sorry, i know its not easy to do, but isn't that easier to do than agonising over it in this way?

 

I think she is just scared and trying to convince herself that she cant be with you again because you've been through too much. She'll eventually give in and she probably already wants too, but like you said she's very strong and i know i can keep going without communication for years. But since you tell her a lot how much you care, thats a good thing it'll help her to relize you might still have a chance and havent already been through too much.

 

I do feel like i've been thru too much - but i just love her too much, and i am just too stubborn to give it up. One thing i am sure of is that if i had given up, she would have been heartborken, but she would have given up too. To be fair, she was the one who wouldn't let go - that's why i'm still here, but if i had walked away, she would have mourned, but moved on.

 

 

Im sure she does want you fight for her, i dont think there's really anybody who doesnt want the other person to fight for them. But it can also be really hard to know how to fight for someone. And although you may have made it obvious that you care about her, she may still have times when she thinks otherwise. From what you've said about david you think he cares, but im seriously thinking otherwise. Although you have told her how much you care about her, but were you already having problems when you actually came out and said how much you care?

 

I agree if she was done with you she would have kept you blocked, and i think you putting mes. up like she does is about the best thing you can do right now. Thats the only way she really communicates with you, so maybe thats what you should just start doing. After abt 2wks depending on her statuses i think you should try and talk to her but not about anything really serious just ask about her life or work or something like that.

 

She's a bit different from u in this way, she needs to know she's in my thoughts frequently. I was unable to open up to her earlier becos she had rejected me b4, and i didn't know her true intentions when we reconnected. Yeah, i was way too late telling her my feelings. I only opened up when she used the bf card. By that time, she was already hurt from waiting for me... that's why i can't shake the feeling that NOW, i have to keep trying to show her my commitment, and never back off anymore. Even ur advice of laying low for 2 weeks scares me becos i worry she'll think i've gone back to my old self of keeping away from her.

Edited August 4, 2010 by mythologymajor

[Menafee]

So did you message her? Whats your update? Sorry ive been working alot i havent had time to get to internet.

 

I think its good to let her know she's in your thoughts, but try not to bring any really personal things up for a little while. Something like that, but if you read mine im not exactly able to give any real good advice right now, im kinda a mess.

[mythologymajor]

I haven't tried to contact her directly since she unblocked me. We see each other on MSN but i dare not say a thing, and she is keeping quiet. There was once a period when she really hurt me back in March, and i went NC for 3 weeks. I didn't call, didn't text, didn't even log on to MSN. Then i had to contact someone online, so i logged on. She was there, but i did not msg her. I just did my thing. After a few minutes, she actually said hi and asked me how i was... But this time, i dunno if that'll happen again, becos a lot has happened since that time...

 

I know that she's been calmer recently, her status abt remembering all the good things forever has been unchanged since last week, although it is still ambigious to me... it can still mean she's looking to move on, the fact that she unblocked me when my status was saying 'please give love a chance' gives me a bit of optimism, but i've been thru too many bad experiences to get my hopes too high... as for my own status msgs, i've been using them to softly state my feelings... something like 'loving her, missing her'... this is also the way she likes to post...

 

I've been sending her tender and loving emails - in one, i asked her not to think me a coward for not daring to say hi to her - i said i know she is still not ready to talk to me and i did not want to make things hard for her... i am sort of a good writer and can express myself well when i am not talking directly to her, and i kinda think it's my expressing my feelings to her that's really moved and touched her heart... so i am carefully sticking with this, but i do know that words can only take me so far. And i know that i have to do more soon... if not i m gonna come across as all talk and no action... i have been planning to send her a bouquet of roses early next week, before i take a trip outstation on assignment. I will probably need to find a way to tell her that i am going away, i dun want her to think i am not taking this seriously again... sometime after i get back, (hopefully she'll miss me in those 4/5 days)... i will probably need to make contact..

 

and... i truly am sorry things did not work out with david... but looking back, isn't better it happened now when u've not gone that far? I am nowhere near out of the woods myself, but i want u to know i'll always be available to support u in whatever u r going thru... and... have u settled ur room/ house situation?

[Menafee]

It sounds like you've got it figured out well. Has she sent you anthing back yet? And i think flowers would be great, try to get her fav. kind and color though. And then in the note you could say something about how your going to be gone for a few days, in a more romantic way.

 

And thank you, im surprisingly not as upset as i thought i would be. I cried for bout a half hour when i found out and havent cried since. Im more mad then upset still, maybe i just have enough experience being let down by guys i care about. I'll be fine though, i just need to start going for a different type of guy. And also no i havent figured out my living situation yet, im still bouncing from friend to friend but i'll figure that out too.

[mythologymajor]

No, she has not sent anything back, she's not even changing her MSN status... it seems to me (i hope) that she's finally realised i've gotten the message... previously, she would be back to posting heartbroken/hurt msgs but this time i've made sure she knows i m thinking of her and i am not going to leave or ask to say goodbye. She's also lamented b4 that "he can't hear my heart", that i did not know her true feelings. But it wasn't that i didn't know or hear her, that was during a period when i was also hurt and did not know how to respond (especially when i tried and she'd push me away). When i got hurt, i'd always ask to say goodbye... i've stopped doing that now. So i guess she's in a calmer state of mind at present... i just need to do this right... i came here looking for a walkthru to fix this, i haven't found that, but luckily for me, i found someone who has been able to help me understand what actually happened..

 

I don't really know what's going on in her mind right now though... all i had to go on recently has been her MSN status updates, and she's not changed it for 9 days now.... maybe she's waiting for my next move, that's why i know i can' take too long. What do u think it means if she removes her status msg and leaves it blank? Or if she posts something outstandingly neutral, like, wishing the rain would stop, or complain abt the morning traffic?

 

As for your situation, hey, treat it as another lesson learned, rite? Sorry u were hurt... i don't know u well enuf, but u come across to me as a thoughtful young lady, so i know u will figure it out...

[Menafee]

What has her status been? I think you told me but i cant remember right now. And having a status about weather and traffic doesnt mean anything really. It just means she sometimes wants to change it for a little bit. I do that too statuses that dont really mean anything, just what i think is funny or something, but i eventually change it back to my mood. I havent changed mine since Friday since i last talked to david either. But thats mostly cause i dont have anything left to say to him. Im doing fine, maybe its because this is my second time without him or maybe cause i havent had any free time to really think about him.

 

Also her leaving the message blank can mean a few things. It can mean she's not feeling anything really, or it can mean she's coming around but doesnt want to put up a good status when she's still unsure. Its hard to say but most likely it wouldnt be a bad thing.

 

And as for my situation im taking it as a good thing. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt treat me good enough, i dont want to have to wonder about his feelings for me. And before him i was determined to get my life back together, get a good job and my own place before i dated and thats what im going to do again. I want my independence my me time and thats what i really need right now at this point of my life. So its a good thing, and nothing has changed since he's gone. And the way i ultimately see it is if im supposed to be with somebody we'll eventually find our way back together, even if its not him.

[mythologymajor]

Her status was "i'll love u forever" for like 4 days, then she changed it to "i'll remember all the good things for the rest of my life" - and it's been unchanged for the last 10 days now... I've emailed her a few times in this period, just to let her know i am around... The first few days after she unblocked me, i also used my status msgs to let her know... but i've stayed offline the last few days...

 

Again, she sounds just like you... She usually changes her status after 3 or 4 days... sometimes she changes a few times a day, as u said, depending on her mood... But this one has been the same for 10 days... it's still ambiguous enuf to keep me anxious... do u think that's what she's doing - keeping me on my toes?

 

I've just ordered roses and chocolates to be delivered to her... she should be receiving them anytime now... i honestly do not know how she's going to react... i did not put a note, so she won't know who's sending it, but i do plan to send her an email a little bit later, to also tell her i'll be going away for a few days, assuming that she even cares... if she still doesn't change her status, what do u think it means?

 

As for david, i am sorry he turned out to be such a jerk... i guess u are on the right track for now... straighten out ur life first... u r still so young - plenty of time to think abt guys, right? It's a great thought to have, your last sentence... i will hold on to that as well... glad u got the new job...

[Menafee]

She may be keeping you on your toes that would be a good status to do it. Or she may just not have anything else to say, or thinks its already too good to change. I do that keep a status even though i want to change it because its too good to change.

 

After you know she got the flowers and you tell her you'll be gone for a few days, see if she changes her status and tell me what she says if she does. Im guessing she probably will. Not much else to do now but wait and see what happens.

 

And yes i am still very young,and look much younger than i am. But im much happier single anyways. I have my confidence back and feel great about myself. And the girl he is with now i went to school with and she's not a good person at all, and since he chose her over me he obviously never relized how great i am and doesnt deserve someone like me.

[mythologymajor]

I've just emailed her saying it was me who sent her the roses and chocolates... i don't know how she'll react... she received them at 2pm today... it's now almost 11pm... maybe she's been wondering who sent them the whole day... although i suspect she knows who...

 

The last time i sent her roses was like 6 weeks or so ago, when i realised how bad i'd hurt her... when i tried to call her that evening, she did not take my calls. I tried twice. Then i left her alone. I dunno what will happen this time...

 

There's a feeling in the back of my mind that i need to call her... but i don't dare anymore... after she told me not to call her anymore last time... i know for sure she's not going to call me, and i get the feeling if i don't do this right, i will fall right back to square one, after all my careful tip-toeing to get this far...

 

BTW, i like the avatar ... i wanna say it's cool, but it's actually hot ... u should just forget that guy ok... dun waste ur time anymore even thinking abt him...

[Menafee]

Its probably good she knows the roses are from you, just in case she may have thought they were from someone else. If you dont feel like you can call her then maybe you should just message her and see what she thought of them? Last time you sent her flowers did you put a note on it?

 

And thank you the avatars the oldest darkest picture of me that i have. Its about 3 years ago, my ex used to be in it too but he got cut out, we took it under the moon which was really fun. I didnt want to show my face too much on here, but i really wanted a picture so this one is better then nothing.

[mythologymajor]

yes, she knew it was me the last time too... i had a note for that one asking for forgiveness... i already emailed her, and don't expect a reply... i dunno if i am up to asking a direct question and getting a response that will break my spirit... i am so terrified that i do not dare to talk to her directly anymore, even a text asking a question is beyond me right now... am i falling back into the same scenario that caused me all this heartache? The inability to open up and talk to her? I am just terrified of what she'll say... Does a girl get mad at a guy for sending her flowers?

 

she was online and saw me just now... i dared not say hi, and she remained quiet - this was after i sent her the email... she coulda said something like - stop sending flowers, stop whatever.... rite? is she waiting for me to say something? there's been no status update either... she's gone off to bed now... i dunno what tmr will bring...

[spiderowl]

I am very sympathetic to the way you feel, but I think you should consider the prospect that you are deluding yourself about this girl. Her MSN messages could be aimed at anybody - her friends, her boyfriend (if she has one), no-one in particular. Why assume they are meant for you? She will have lots of different contacts. If she really wanted to communicate something to you, she would speak to you or write, I am pretty sure about that.

 

You are initiating most of the 'contact', as far as I can see, with her occasionally contacting you if you've been out of touch for a while. It's hard to tell from your post whether you have ever been in a 'proper' releationship with this girl. You said it had gone wrong when you'd tried to take it to the next level, which suggests she didn't want that. Now you are trying to get her to tell you to go away. If she's a kind person, she'd want to avoid having to be so blunt. Why would she want to meet to say goodbye? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, that would just be perpetuating any sense you have (especially if it's false) that you and she are having some kind of relationship.

 

If I had ended someone's prospects of a romantic relationship with me, I wouldn't want to be meeting them to continually justify my decision or to say goodbye yet again. It's quite possible she doesn't know what to do with you. Have you been putting any pressure on her to start a romantic relationship with you?

 

I'd suggest you leave this girl alone. Don't contact her, don't receive any contacts from her, don't talk to her. Leave it be. Do not ask to meet, do not phone her. If she wants you, she'll get in touch and she'll ask to meet. Do not assume that if she contacts you, it means she wants to get together. It might only mean she's worried that you've disappeared suddenly. Leave her alone and if she wants you, she'll start to make contact more and more. If not, well you know where you stand and will know it's time to move on. There's no point making thousands of assumptions about what she is feeling when her behaviour says otherwise.

[mythologymajor]

I am very sympathetic to the way you feel, but I think you should consider the prospect that you are deluding yourself about this girl. Her MSN messages could be aimed at anybody - her friends, her boyfriend (if she has one), no-one in particular. Why assume they are meant for you? She will have lots of different contacts. If she really wanted to communicate something to you, she would speak to you or write, I am pretty sure about that.

 

Hi, thanks for taking the time and effort to share ur thoughts.... i appreciate it... i know this thread is a bit too long to really read thru properly, but if u had, u would understand why i know she's talking to me, and why she is doing it this way.

 

You are initiating most of the 'contact', as far as I can see, with her occasionally contacting you if you've been out of touch for a while. It's hard to tell from your post whether you have ever been in a 'proper' releationship with this girl. You said it had gone wrong when you'd tried to take it to the next level, which suggests she didn't want that. Now you are trying to get her to tell you to go away. If she's a kind person, she'd want to avoid having to be so blunt. Why would she want to meet to say goodbye? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, that would just be perpetuating any sense you have (especially if it's false) that you and she are having some kind of relationship.

 

If I had ended someone's prospects of a romantic relationship with me, I wouldn't want to be meeting them to continually justify my decision or to say goodbye yet again. It's quite possible she doesn't know what to do with you. Have you been putting any pressure on her to start a romantic relationship with you?

 

You have missed quite a bit of the background… and anyway, if she wanted to end my ‘harassment’ all I needed at that time was the proper response – I did not need to meet ‘continually’ – all she needed to do was tell me to stop. She never did that. A lot of what she did just didn’t point towards wanting me to stop. I am not blind or deluded. I am not that crazy or psychotic that I’d let myself get broken time and time again if I knew for sure she has no feelings for me.

 

 

I'd suggest you leave this girl alone. Don't contact her, don't receive any contacts from her, don't talk to her. Leave it be. Do not ask to meet, do not phone her. If she wants you, she'll get in touch and she'll ask to meet. Do not assume that if she contacts you, it means she wants to get together. It might only mean she's worried that you've disappeared suddenly. Leave her alone and if she wants you, she'll start to make contact more and more. If not, well you know where you stand and will know it's time to move on. There's no point making thousands of assumptions about what she is feeling when her behaviour says otherwise.

 

It seems u just read a part of this thread… I am replying to say thanks, and to recognise your time put in… So, thanks anyway… I do for my sake that hope u are wrong…

[Menafee]

Has anything changed recently since you sent the flowers?

[mythologymajor]

I have just returned from outstation... her page indicates that she had changed her status 2 days ago (11th Aug) - it says that she's having a bad cold and fever... I have not contacted her since emailing her abt the flowers, just b4 i went away... she's not online right now, but that's her new status msg.

 

I don't know what my next step should be... should i wait for another status update to see where i am at, or should i try to call her and ask how she's feeling? I get the feeling this is a decision i am going to have to make on my own, becos i dunno if your advice/ point of view is going to get thru to me in time...

[Menafee]

Yeah sorry im currently without internet right now so i havent been able to get on very often. But i'd say call her if you havent already.

[mythologymajor]

i texted her yesterday (sunday afternoon) asking her how she was, but she did not reply. i finally saw her on MSN earlier today - she's been offline over the weekend... tried to ask how she was... after 3 tries over abt one hour, she blocked me.

 

So, i am blocked. She still won't talk to me. Maybe she's unhappy that i've failed to get in touch for so many days (7 days silence) - i could easily have texted her every evening, even if i was away... i did not. maybe she is now paying me back for that. i don't know. maybe i am making excuses for her. i can see that i am still failing to do the right thing, because she still won't talk to me. Maybe i was not supposed to leave her alone for so many days - i've done that in the past and i've always ended up realising it was the wrong thing to do - but i've done it again.

 

Maybe i am supposed to keep knocking on her door, maybe that's what she expects me to do to show her my commitment. Maybe i should do that, until i get a clear message from her - she'll either respond in a positive manner, or she'll tell me to stop bugging her. I dunno what she wants from me... she posts these loving MSN statuses that are directed at me, but when i try to talk, she shuts me down. When i push hard enuf, she will sometimes tell me to stop, but never in clear terms like "stop bothering me, get out of my life, i don't want to hear from you again". She'll says things like "Stop it", "I dun wanna hear abt this", but never enuf to let me know i should stop harassing her.

 

I get the feeling she blocks me or hangs up on me when she is unable to handle the conversation emotionally - she doesn't know how to respond and just stops it immediately. i dunno how to do this... it feels like i am back to square one... she might unblock me by tonight, or by tmr, or in another week's time... she might post a status that will finally make my place in her life clear to me... in the meantime, all i can do is suffer and try to see this thru to the best i know how...

[Menafee]

i dont know what you should do either. Im young and after twice i just give up and try to move on and be happy without them. Which isnt easy at all, but its what i do. Not saying thats what you should do i dont know what you should do next.

[mythologymajor]

menafee, thanks for trying anyway... u've been a great support... there's been some new developments - she updated her status to "haven't seen him for a long time, beginning to miss him". In response to this, i texted her late last night, saying i was also unwell and sick... she texted me earlier, the first time for a long time, but she told me not to text her in the middle of the night and to please respect her and her bf. i don't what's going on in her mind. like i said, all i've done the past few weeks have gotten me nowhere... i am back to square one.

 

i am convinced she is running me thru a trial to make sure i won't let her down anymore, but i have no idea what the correct response is. i need to address this bf issue the way she wants me to, but i have no idea how... anyway, i think i'm gonna give up on this forum... other than you, there's been nobody who's been able to help at all... i just know i'm not going to give it up... how i do it and how bad i get hurt... guess only fate knows... if u would like to talk in the future abt anything, maybe u can reply to this thread. take care and wish u all the best in life. bye.