Should I be worried?

[SassyKitten]

14 days untill I fly to meet my SO for the first time. At the beginning of the relationship, we was crazy about contacting me, talking about the future, etc. Then, recently, I'm lucky if I get a phone call or Skype session from him every 2nd day. He is 6 hours behind me, but still, I have told him time and time again how communication is so important to me. Even just a 5 minute phone call, which he doesn't seem to think is possible but to me is better than nothing, and come to think of it all of our phone calls and Skype sessions so far have been at least 30 minutes.

 

Last night, in order to try to work around this with our busy schedules, I wrote him a thoughtful email telling him about how my day went, and attached some nice photos of me in my nightie. Nothing x-rated, but enough to warm him up for what I hope will be meaningful sex for both of us when I arrive. Since then, I have heard nothing, not even a reply to my good morning text, and this is adding significantly to my nerves. When we do talk our conversations are fantastic, and I definitely don't feel like there's more fish in the sea, but right now I'm scared. I told myself no more flings ever, and I'm so worried this is about to become one.

[stace79]

14 days untill I fly to meet my SO for the first time. At the beginning of the relationship, we was crazy about contacting me, talking about the future, etc. Then, recently, I'm lucky if I get a phone call or Skype session from him every 2nd day. He is 6 hours behind me, but still, I have told him time and time again how communication is so important to me. Even just a 5 minute phone call, which he doesn't seem to think is possible but to me is better than nothing, and come to think of it all of our phone calls and Skype sessions so far have been at least 30 minutes.

 

Last night, in order to try to work around this with our busy schedules, I wrote him a thoughtful email telling him about how my day went, and attached some nice photos of me in my nightie. Nothing x-rated, but enough to warm him up for what I hope will be meaningful sex for both of us when I arrive. Since then, I have heard nothing, not even a reply to my good morning text, and this is adding significantly to my nerves. When we do talk our conversations are fantastic, and I definitely don't feel like there's more fish in the sea, but right now I'm scared. I told myself no more flings ever, and I'm so worried this is about to become one.

 

Okay, I do not intend to be rude, but you've never even met this guy once, and you're already planning on having sex with him the first time you see him? BAD idea.

 

Also, maybe you are getting too into this guy. It sounds like he is just not that interested. Maybe you are coming on too strong. How old are you?

[Spiritofnow]

Hey,

 

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend and I have had lots of fluctuations concerning the consistency in our communications and I know that when you are feeling, nervous and vulnerable the lack of communication amplifies those feelings. And, ESPECIALLY right before your impending 1st time meeting. I totally freaked out the closer it got to our first time meeting and my bf even offered to cancel his trip, but I knew that wasn't an option for me I just had to be brave, hold on tight and ride the ride.

 

My suggestion to you is that you send him an email telling him exactly how you feel (nerves etc), and that a little more communication would help you feel more at ease. I have noticed that in the past I would send an email (similar to the one you sent) to get his attention in the hope that he would be respond likewise, but sometimes that form of communication is just to subtle, especially if he is dealing with his own anxieties.

 

Be mindful not to assume that his lack of communication means that all your worst fears are going to come true (all or nothing thinking).

 

Just be honest with him, and you never know he may feel relieved to hear that you are feeling nervous if he is too.

 

: - )

Edited July 21, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[carvidep]

Here's another perspective: Maybe you've set your expectations too high. Does he know that you are wanting to have sex during the first meeting?

 

You don't even know if you'll have the same connection in person that you do online.

 

He could be feeling intimidated by all of this. Even if you guys have entertained the idea of sex, he might feel pressured into doing it even if he'd prefer to respect you and just snuggle, which is just as meaningful.

 

Take a step back and breathe. When you meet, just see what happens, go with the flow. Don't push him too hard, or yourself for that matter. That's just too much stress.

[SassyKitten]

I do feel the nerves coming on very strong, and it's that part of me that hurts as I can't touch him and hoping I'm not going crazy and won't be disappointed when I see and touch him.

 

As far as sex goes, we have discussed being intimate, but he also knows that I won't do it if I feel like he will break up with me when our trip is over. He did pay for the plane ticket, which definitely wasn't cheap, but I'm also hoping he won't fall into the mindset of letting doubts consume him. He admitted he is a perfectionist, and no relationship is perfect. Back to the intimacy part, we have agreed that the first time we will be seeing any of each others' bodies is in person, not on webcam, and that when I arrive we will at least go out for dinner first and then try to hold out for as long as possible. And we have had frequent discussions about what we like in the bedroom, so there definitely is that steamy aspect of our relationship already.

 

When I have talked to my guy friends, their feedback seems to be as guys tend to be ruled by their, um, other head, hang out with him in person long enough to decide if I like him as much in person as I do online, if I do then give him the best sex of his life, then he'll definitely lose any hesitation about committing. And also they seem to think that he probably cooled down the discussion of the future after talking with his friends and being encouraged to slow down as he hasn't met me yet, which is reasonable.

 

As far as his mentality goes, well, I'm Pisces and a woman, so super emotional! He's ex-Army and a man so definitely not emotional. He does work a lot of overtime at work and the intensity has picked up lately, so I'm not being hard on him for that. Another dynamic I'm not really sure if it would make a difference, but worth asking as the people on this board seem to be from everywhere, concerns cultural norms. He is from England originally, but does have a Green card already so our relationship wouldn't be sped up just for immigration purposes. I have had friends from there but haven't dated anyone from there, and wonder if there are any differences of mentality when it comes to relationships I should be aware of so I can understand him better.

[SassyKitten]

Update: I just had a very brief IM conversation with him on his lunch break. 2 weeks ago, I sent him a very thoughtful handwritten love note on a card complete with a kiss mark from myself using red lipstick. All of the appreciation I got from that one was a "thanks" when I asked him if he got it yet, despite the effort that I put into it. Why do I bother being a loving person, seriously?

 

I hate to be this harsh, but it does worry me a lot that I'm investing more energy into this relationship than he is. I appreciate that he has a demanding work schedule, and he did get me a plane ticket and time off from work to spend with me, and I did question him directly about whether I could trust him a couple of weeks ago. As I have been severely burned in all of my past relationships, to be honest I look at dating with dread as it feels like a minefield, so I don't trust men that easily. He did prove that I can trust him, but now I worry that he is resentful. And I won't know unless I can communicate, and I get more and more worried that I'll get over there, this relationship will be one-sided, and I'll spend the plane ride back here crying.

[carvidep]

I'm gonna re-emphasize taking a step back and taking a deep breath.

 

Maybe he's not confident in his feelings for you yet. Give him a chance to get to know you in person. He might respond better to your sweet messages and letters after he's gotten a chance to see you and find out you're more than who you are on the internet.

 

I know your count down is quickly nearing the end, but get out and do something to get your mind off of him for a little bit at least once a day. Go outside and enjoy the weather, play board games with friends, pick up a good book; anything.

 

The less you dwell on it the less frazzled you'll feel.

 

I'm sure things will go just fine for you. Just give yourself a chance to relax.

[Els]

Firstly, I know there are exceptions, but in general, I feel that girls usually put more effort into LD communication than guys do. Just as how guys usually are the ones paying for the first meetup. Sad facts of life.

 

Secondly, I think you should just take things easily for now and go there with an open heart. It may turn out badly, and that is ALWAYS a possibility no matter how good he is online or how prepared you are. But how will you know til you've tried?

 

By the way, I think you should NOT listen to your friends about having sex to get him committed. Honestly, I think sex means 'commitment' to a girl a LOT more than it does to a guy.

[SassyKitten]

Well, thanks for being a huge amount of support for me, but it looks like he dumped me for an ex-girlfriend. I haven't been able to stop crying since last night.

[Spiritofnow]

Oh no!

 

I didn't see that coming...I am so sorry, Sassykitten. I hope you have good friends around you. I think it's just as well you have your degree, because you can channel all those emotions into your work and your future.

 

I am so sorry it seems it has not worked out for you.

[carvidep]

oh boo!! that really sucks!! I'm so sorry to hear that...

 

*HUGS!!!*

[Citizen Erased]

I am so sorry, you don't deserve that. We are here ok. Hugs.

[Pyro]

oh wow. What a bunch of BS, What an ass.

 

I am so sorry for what happened.

 

I bet it must hurt, but to look at the positives, at least you didn't have to waste any money on flying out to meet him and this happening now before you met makes it alot easier to get over him versus if you had met up with him.

 

You'll be alright.

[Els]

oh wow. What a bunch of BS, What an ass.

 

I am so sorry for what happened.

 

I bet it must hurt, but to look at the positives, at least you didn't have to waste any money on flying out to meet him and this happening now before you met makes it alot easier to get over him versus if you had met up with him.

 

You'll be alright.

 

Agreed 100%. He didn't deserve you.

[SassyKitten]

Thanks guys.

 

After being in the stage yesterday of firing off so many angry text messages I have resigned myself to the fact that he is a complete douchebag. I haven't been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep a night for the last 3 nights, I'm in bed moping, and I'm trying to cope but it's killing me, I had the best connection ever with this guy and he didn't even give me a chance, this ex he got back with cheated on him!

 

If I ever do date again, and that's a huge if, I am not doing it without being friends first, whether we meet online or otherwise. From now on, I need proof that the man is able and willing to stay consistant with the first impression he gives me.

[stace79]

Thanks guys.

 

After being in the stage yesterday of firing off so many angry text messages I have resigned myself to the fact that he is a complete douchebag. I haven't been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep a night for the last 3 nights, I'm in bed moping, and I'm trying to cope but it's killing me, I had the best connection ever with this guy and he didn't even give me a chance, this ex he got back with cheated on him!

 

If I ever do date again, and that's a huge if, I am not doing it without being friends first, whether we meet online or otherwise. From now on, I need proof that the man is able and willing to stay consistant with the first impression he gives me.

 

I think your friends-first perspective is smart. Unfortunately with so many women, we just are programmed to want a solid, committed relationship. I just don't think many guys share that. SO until they "prove" that they are willing to work for us, it's good to keep our emotions in check.

 

Even though I didn't really agree with your concept of a R, I am still sorry you're suffering. It gets better. I once thought I'd never date again either, I felt like I was damaged goods and that I would never be "normal" again. Maybe I'm not really normal, but I feel better anyway. Keep at it!

[SassyKitten]

Yeah, that's such a huge design flaw isn't it? Maybe not so much that, I do get a feeling that women and men are programmed to be the way they are more by upbringing than by instinct. Why else is it, with a few exceptions, then that if men sleep around they're just being men, while if women sleep around they're sluts? And if a man is old and single he's a bachelor while if a woman is old and single she's a spinster?

 

Really, it feels like society's "rules" keep or delay so many, men and women, from finding happiness. And unfortunately in the case of my now-ex, society programs men to want as much sex as possible, so his ex who cheated on him is more tempting to satisfy that than I am, and thanks to society it's perfectly ok to hurt me.

 

I figure too the good thing about being friends first is that there is that level of trust and respect there where they would feel guilty for letting their conditioning rule how they treat me. Not to mention be my insurance policy against being the other woman without my knowledge twice in a row like I was with the 2 guys that came before this guy!

[aerogurl87]

Sorry to hear about that happening SassyKitten, but honestly he's just a jerk, your best bet is to move on now. Not all guys are that bad, I should know I had to go through quite a few bad men to get to my current boyfriend. My ex broke my trust in men and relationships when he broke my heart and left me for a woman old enough to be his freaking mom! But there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel and if you look in yourself for strength and comfort, the brighter it will glow and closer you will get to it.

[BellaBellaBella]

Kitten,

 

Sorry this happened to you. I had an online relationship knew he was the one. He 2 started changing. Morning he was due to come, I got a wire saying it was wire and he totally disappeared from his job everything.

 

Turns out best thing ever. I had been chatting very platonically with a guy and he ended up in a breakup as well. In talking about our breakups we connected and talked more and more. We are very happy togather and are married.

 

Bella

[OrdealByFire]

Why don't the hurt girls ever find the hurt guys? You think they would find eachother.

 

It is hard to trust guys/girls in future relationships if you've had terrible past ones. That's what's going on with me right now, and my trust and jealousy problems are screwing things up pretty badly, and I want help.

 

I like how I get off topic for no reason...

 

But yeah, I'm sorry SassyKitten but not all guys are like that. Most? Almost all? But not ALL.

[SassyKitten]

Thanks again, I am slowly but surely getting there. I hadn't slept well, so had to take a couple of Tylenol PMs and have gotten more of a nap, but still, it's hard.

 

Though it is best to think of it where one door closes another opens. I'm moving ahead with a plan I had before I met LDR which was put aside when I did meet him. I have been travelling before and miss it, still haven't been to Europe yet though. Because of this I was trying to think of how I could do graduate school there.

 

Thanks to new laws, working holiday visas have now become available for Americans in a tiny handful of places, among which is Ireland. So I'm making active plans to go there around the middle of next year, the visa lasts a year allowing me to take any job I wish, see as much of Europe as I can while I'm there, then stay on to do my Master's degree. With the timing of my plan, I'll be celebrating my 30th birthday in Dublin, which is perfect as I wanted to make sure I'd be doing something great on that milestone of a birthday!

 

The hurt lasts so long though, I've been hearing allow 2 weeks, and I know something that's really going to bring up the hurt is August 4th, which is the day after my final exams finish for this term and the day I was supposed to fly over and meet him.

 

I know not all men are idiots, relationships seem to do a great job of bringing out the worst of people in general. But then it's so draining when that's all I've attracted up to this point. Hoping now I won't cry now that I've gotten some rest.

[Els]

I'm so glad for you! Working holiday visas are awesome. I'm in one now, and, just like you, will be doing my postgraduate after. Travelling is just a great experience.

 

All the best!

[SassyKitten]

Thank you, and I can't wait!!!! Actually, I've been to Hawaii once before and I remember not being that impressed by it.

[LittleTiger]

SassyKitten, I've been following this thread but didn't want to respond because I suspected what was coming. I'm so sorry he did this to you. It's a blessing in disguise that you never actually met him because he would have used you and dumped you later anyway. You deserve better.

 

This is a really good example for anybody in a similar situation. It's true that women often express their emotions more openly than men, but when a man falls for a woman (I means falls head over heels in love), in my experience anyway, it's usually glaringly obvious. A man in love is just as 'keen' as a woman.

 

For anybody in an LDR please remember this. If your SO doesn't seem to be as keen to communicate as you are, if they don't seem to be as 'in to you' as you are to them - they probably aren't.

 

Have fun travelling SassyKitten. Now is the time to do it - before the right man does come along and cramps your style.