REAL LDR vs. virtual infatuation

[stace79]

Okay, I have to just vent, because I am really alarmed at the number of posts I'm reading these days by people who claim to have a bf or gf but that they've never even met in person!

 

Sorry, I just don't consider that a relationship, if you met someone online and have not seen them in person one single time. Give me a break. Get out from behind your computer screen and go out and actually have a life, with real people!

[Spiritofnow]

Unless you have experienced this dynamic I don't think it makes you qualified to pass such judgement.

 

Why does what other people do annoy you so much? Perhaps, you should get from behind the computer screen and live your own life.

[stace79]

Unless you have experienced this dynamic I don't think it makes you qualified to pass such judgement.

 

Why does what other people do annoy you so much? Perhaps, you should get from behind the computer screen and live your own life.

 

Because I had an all online "relationship" when I was about 15. It's what teenagers do. It's disturbing to hear women talk about having sex with someone the first time they actually meet in person, and hearing people say they love someone they've never even met.

 

Not to mention the fact that sexual exploitation is so high in these times, and there is a greater instance of human trafficking -- meaning some smooth-talking guy gets a woman online to "fall" for him; then when she travels abroad to meet him she finds herself kidnapped into sexual slavery/prostitution. It isn't just in the movies -- that crap really happens.

 

Added: I mean, if you've NEVER met this person, you have no idea that he/she is actually who they say they are!!!

[Spiritofnow]

I met my bf online and we have been in a LDR for two and a half years and I can tell you that he is more real than anyone else I have ever dated. And, yes we have met in person multiple times and met each others family. I think it's unfortunate that you discount this type of relationship, because it is very REAL for a lot of people. I didn't meet him in person until a year after we met online, and I considered him my bf before that, because we choose to be exclusive to one another.

[stace79]

I met my bf online and we have been in a LDR for two and a half years and I can tell you that he is more real than anyone else I have ever dated. And, yes we have met in person multiple times and met each others family. I think it's unfortunate that you discount this type of relationship, because it is very REAL for a lot of people. I didn't meet him in person until a year after we met online, and I considered him my bf before that, because we choose to be exclusive to one another.

 

I think you misunderstood. I'm talking about people who have never met in person and don't have plans to any time soon.

 

Personally, I wouldn't consider myself to be in an exclusive relationship with someone until I did meet them. But the fact that you have met your bf excludes you from the people I"m talking about.

[Spiritofnow]

Because I had an all online "relationship" when I was about 15. It's what teenagers do. It's disturbing to hear women talk about having sex with someone the first time they actually meet in person, and hearing people say they love someone they've never even met.

 

Not to mention the fact that sexual exploitation is so high in these times, and there is a greater instance of human trafficking -- meaning some smooth-talking guy gets a woman online to "fall" for him; then when she travels abroad to meet him she finds herself kidnapped into sexual slavery/prostitution. It isn't just in the movies -- that crap really happens.

 

Added: I mean, if you've NEVER met this person, you have no idea that he/she is actually who they say they are!!!

 

I hear what you are saying and they are all very valid reasons, and yes people should be cautious. However, there are lots of ways to identify whether the person you are talking with is real, and who they say they are.

 

I certainly would not advocate online relationships to teenagers for all the obvious reasons.

 

I cannot speak for everyone, because my experience is unique to me. Me and my bf met on a research forum and neither of us were looking for any kind of relationship. We just clicked and the relationship grew from there. He eventually added me to fb where I could see his work colleagues and family talk to him, so that was another huge reassurance to me that he was who he proclaimed he was.

 

I would NEVER of agreed to meet him if I had any doubts about his behaviour, or whether he was a good person. As for love and sex, well, that is an individual choice, and even thought two people may have not physically met doesn't mean their feelings for each other are any less real.

 

I think like all things there is a middle road here.

[electricity]

Because I had an all online "relationship" when I was about 15. It's what teenagers do. It's disturbing to hear women talk about having sex with someone the first time they actually meet in person, and hearing people say they love someone they've never even met.

 

Not to mention the fact that sexual exploitation is so high in these times, and there is a greater instance of human trafficking -- meaning some smooth-talking guy gets a woman online to "fall" for him; then when she travels abroad to meet him she finds herself kidnapped into sexual slavery/prostitution. It isn't just in the movies -- that crap really happens.

 

Added: I mean, if you've NEVER met this person, you have no idea that he/she is actually who they say they are!!!

 

Kids also get married on the playground in elementary school. Teenagers held hands in high school and considered themselves in a relationship. That's what kids and teens do. It doesn't mean the same actions can't also be used by adults for deeper, more meaningful, very real relationships.

 

 

That said, I agree that it's totally necessary to take precautions when meeting people online. It doesn't make it any less real of a relationship though. Traditional, "oh we met at X bar" relationships these days don't exactly have the best track record, given the rising divorce and separation rates. To the contrary, with the LDRs I've read about on this site, I think it's admirable that there are people willing and able to form such deep commitments to others, even with all the distance in between. And besides, what gives you the right to pass judgement on other people's relationships?

[Spiritofnow]

Because I had an all online "relationship" when I was about 15. It's what teenagers do. It's disturbing to hear women talk about having sex with someone the first time they actually meet in person, and hearing people say they love someone they've never even met.

 

Not to mention the fact that sexual exploitation is so high in these times, and there is a greater instance of human trafficking -- meaning some smooth-talking guy gets a woman online to "fall" for him; then when she travels abroad to meet him she finds herself kidnapped into sexual slavery/prostitution. It isn't just in the movies -- that crap really happens.

 

Added: I mean, if you've NEVER met this person, you have no idea that he/she is actually who they say they are!!!

 

I hear what you are saying and they are all very valid reasons, and yes people should be cautious. However, there are lots of ways to identify whether the person you are talking with is real, and who they say they are.

 

I certainly would not advocate online relationships to teenagers for all the obvious reasons.

 

I cannot speak for everyone, because my experience is unique to me. Me and my bf met on a research forum and neither of us were looking for any kind of relationship. We just clicked and the relationship grew from there. He eventually added me to fb where I could see his work colleagues and family talk to him, so that was another huge reassurance to me that he was who he proclaimed he was.

 

I would NEVER of agreed to meet him if I had any doubts about his behaviour, or whether he was a good person. As for love and sex, well, that is an individual choice, and even though two people may have not physically met doesn't mean their feelings for each other are any less real.

 

I think like all things there is a middle road here.

[Spiritofnow]

I think you misunderstood. I'm talking about people who have never met in person and don't have plans to any time soon.

 

Personally, I wouldn't consider myself to be in an exclusive relationship with someone until I did meet them. But the fact that you have met your bf excludes you from the people I"m talking about.

 

I am not excluded, because there was a time before I actually met him in person that I knew I had fallen in love with him, and he with me. We discussed being intimate with each other before we met in person. I think you just have to accept that love does come in all different forms, and just as meeting a guy in a bar can be dangerous or marrying man who turns out to be abusive doesn't mean people never get married or meet people in bars. Yes, I accept that there are more variables that can go wrong with meeting someone online, but there are also lots of stories like mine. You just have to be sensible.

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with everything that has been said so far in defense of LDRs.

 

It's not like people can't get raped or kidnapped if they meet someone in person rather than online. Anyone can lie. Anyone can get you to go somewhere strange with them and do something weird to you. In fact, it happened a lot, LONG before the internet was ever even invented and it still continues to happen a lot even without any assistance from the internet. It's not like meeting someone online makes it any more likely that these things will happen to you. It doesn't.

 

It's just as easy for someone to lie about their personality online as it is in a relationship where both people are in person. People cheat in relationships in person. They tell lies. They have double lives that their partners don't know about. All KINDS of things happen. Should people in successful LDRs all start laughing at those people because they were dumb enough to be duped in person? Because the way you word it, it sounds like people can only get away with lying online.

 

The only area where I'd say it is easier to lie is when it comes to appearance. Some people aren't as attractive as they saw they are, but you can eliminate this by using webcam, verifying their identity, and things like that.

 

People can know one another from speaking online. I'm in an LDR and have been in one for 5 years. We didn't meet until 8 months into our relationship. I know you think this doesn't apply to me, but I knew my boyfriend very well before the first time I was ever in person. In fact, the thing I thought when I met him was,"He's exactly the same as he is online, I can just hold him now."

 

People CAN possibly fall in love and know the person online before they meet them. I'm not saying it always happens, but you're saying it never does and you are wrong about that. I was in love with him before I ever saw him in person.

[SassyKitten]

I do have a life, a very full one with friends and being a full-time student. This limits my prospects for meeting someone however, because I am so busy and I live in Georgia, which is very difficult to fit into unless you're Christian, conservative, and married off by age 19 and knocked up soon after. Long story of how I ended up here, but never mind that. That's why I decided to give internet dating a try, so that I would be more likely to find someone on my wavelength, and then it turned out the one who I clicked with the most, so much that there is no one who even comes close, is all the way in Hawaii.

 

I'm 28 and he's 36, so we are both mature adults who know what we are doing. If you don't like it you don't have to read it.

[Citizen Erased]

Wow. So a LDR at the age of a whole of 15 and you know it all?

 

My soon to be husband and I established we were exclusive well before we met. I fell in love with him before we met. I've spent a whole of 5 weeks with him and in your book my relationship is more "real" because I've met him?

 

Sounds like sour grapes to me. Clearly a certain other posters thread ticked you off so you felt the need to be childish and start this temper tantrum of a thread.

[Gradschooler]

I'd like to make just one point here :

 

About sexual predators on the loose. If a guy spends say 2 years in an online exclusive relationship, making changes in his day to talk to you, making the tough choice to continue in an LDR, being emotionally invested in it, I'd find it hard to believe that he'd just want to do it so that he could sleep with you when you meet. There are easier ways of getting laid, no offense to anyone.

 

So I take the committment to communication on the part of an SO, before the real life meet happens as a fair evidence of the "real" quotient of a relationship.

[Els]

While I agree that everyone SHOULD take things easy til they at least meet for the first time, rather than making moving plans and marriage plans and stuff that some posters here seem to do...

 

It's because I think they're putting the cart before the horse. NOT because I presume to judge whether or not their relationship is real. A R is only as real as it is for the two people involved... and noone else's opinion really matters.

[Pyro]

While I agree that everyone SHOULD take things easy til they at least meet for the first time, rather than making moving plans and marriage plans and stuff that some posters here seem to do...

 

A R is only as real as it is for the two people involved... and noone else's opinion really matters.

 

If that first part is a stab at myself and CE we have met already twice for extended amounts of time and have known each other for years. If not then my mistake.

 

Correct on the second part.

[Els]

Uh, Pyro, I think everyone here knows that you and CE have met before! Why would you assume it was directed at you??

[Pyro]

Uh, Pyro, I think everyone here knows that you and CE have met before! Why would you assume it was directed at you??

 

Its become obvious that her and I have marriage plans. Like I said....my mistake.

[LittleTiger]

Personally, I wouldn't consider myself to be in a relationship with a man until certain milestones have been reached. That includes having had sex with him and afterwards agreeing that we want the relationship to be exclusive. That's just how I see things.

 

However, I did 'fall' for my SO online. We met in real life after eight weeks of online/on phone friendship. We talked every day/night during that time (msn, skype and phone) for up to 7 hours at a time and we knew as much as it's possible to know about someone from that kind of interaction. We never used the word 'love' because we both felt it was inappropriate, but we frequently used 'adore' instead.

 

He travelled 12,000 miles just to meet me and we agreed that, until we met, there should be no expectations of anything more than a close friendship, though we definitely both had high hopes. We were lucky and the attraction was instant!

 

That's just how we did it. We're both in our 40's and not long out of long term relationships, so perhaps we were more cautious than somebody younger might be.

 

I certainly couldn't make any promises to a man I'd never met, no matter how strong my feelings for him were, especially if I had to wait months, or in some cases years to meet him. However, that doesn't mean other people shouldn't. In my opinion it's a huge risk to spend a long time investing emotionally in someone who may, or may not, live up to expectations, but it's up to every individual to decide whether that risk is worth it.

 

A relationship can be defined in a million different ways and every one of us is unique. I think it's a little judgemental for anyone to think that their definition is the right one.

[Spiritofnow]

Perhaps, you should get from behind the computer screen and live your own life.

 

I regret saying that and would like to apologise. I was having a moment. You are entitled to your opinion and that comment was a cheap-shot and rather defensive.

 

Apologies.

[Rollercoasterr]

I have known my now husband for 6 years. We fell in love and started "dating" 6 years ago, as well. However we were both very young and realized that being that young and attempting a LDR like that was impossible, so we broke up. 4 years went by and we were STILL in love with each other. We are best friends and always have been. I know more about him than any other person on this planet, and he knows the same about me.

 

We got back together 2 years ago in July of 2009. We never, ever met until November of 2009. We were already researching our visa and making plans on moving by that time. What is an LDR without an end goal?

 

Yeah, we may be together now and married, but it wasn't always so. We've only been living together for 2 months.

 

Sounds to me like someone has a SERIOUS case of the sour grapes, like CE said. It's ridiculous that anyone can think they're an expert on something by having one when they're 15. As if anyone is an expert about anything at 15.

[Pyro]

July of 2009 is one year ago.

[Rollercoasterr]

July of 2009 is one year ago.

 

LOL I was sitting here and thinking "you know, that doesn't look right. What's wrong with that sentence?".

 

July 2008 and met November 2008!

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, it worries me when people say they have a bf/gf/relationship with someone they haven't met IRL or that they're thinking about moving to be nearer them before they've even met!! That's not rational IMO.

I first started talking online to my (now) partner in January, we started talking on the phone most nights and also skyped, but even though we got on really well and seemed to click, we were both nervous about meeting in case one of us liked the other more, or as more as friends, and the other didn't, we were both pretty sure we would get on as friends, but of course we didn't know for sure we would click as partners, so we tried not to put too much expectation on it, which is pretty hard, but you HAVE to try not to, I just don't believe anyone can know this until you meet in the flesh, how do you know you have chemistry or that you there's stuff you might not agree on or that your quirks or habits, or just the way you are IRL rather than behind a screen or on the phone won't annoy each other

We met in April and were nervous at first, well for about half an hour, we didn't feel like strangers, it felt natural, like we knew each other pretty well, we felt close, but we were lucky, it may not have turned out that way. We've met 3 times now, first met end of April, it will take a long time to get to know each other properly, we feel we have a future together but also know only time together will show whether we do for sure.

I was cautious about meeting him (as in meeting a man I'd not met before) and my mum and some of my friends were worried, so I made sure I met him in a public place and told them all where we were meeting etc, also rang them so they'd know I was ok and not with a madman.

 

 

Okay, I have to just vent, because I am really alarmed at the number of posts I'm reading these days by people who claim to have a bf or gf but that they've never even met in person!

 

Sorry, I just don't consider that a relationship, if you met someone online and have not seen them in person one single time. Give me a break. Get out from behind your computer screen and go out and actually have a life, with real people!

Edited July 25, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[HeavenOrHell]

Stace is talking about people who say they have a relationship with someone they've never met, or that they love them, cos some of these people will not and don't get on IRL. Also people need to be cautious about meeting strangers they've only talked to online or on the phone, you can't be sure about someone unless/until you have met them.

I am lucky as I did click with my partner when we met IRL, we didn't know for sure we would until we met, how could we have known that for sure.

 

I met my bf online and we have been in a LDR for two and a half years and I can tell you that he is more real than anyone else I have ever dated. And, yes we have met in person multiple times and met each others family. I think it's unfortunate that you discount this type of relationship, because it is very REAL for a lot of people. I didn't meet him in person until a year after we met online, and I considered him my bf before that, because we choose to be exclusive to one another.

[HeavenOrHell]

The OP isn't saying LDR's are less real than any other relationship, UNLESS you haven't met actually met them face to face yet!

My LDR is very real and meaningful but we didn't call ourselves a couple until after we met IRL, it has become much more meaningful now that we have met a few times.

The fact we originally met online doesn't invalidate us at all, but Stace isn't saying that.

"Teenagers held hands in high school"-exactly!! They were physically together!! That's the whole point

 

 

 

Kids also get married on the playground in elementary school. Teenagers held hands in high school and considered themselves in a relationship. That's what kids and teens do. It doesn't mean the same actions can't also be used by adults for deeper, more meaningful, very real relationships.

 

 

That said, I agree that it's totally necessary to take precautions when meeting people online. It doesn't make it any less real of a relationship though. Traditional, "oh we met at X bar" relationships these days don't exactly have the best track record, given the rising divorce and separation rates. To the contrary, with the LDRs I've read about on this site, I think it's admirable that there are people willing and able to form such deep commitments to others, even with all the distance in between. And besides, what gives you the right to pass judgement on other people's relationships?