REAL LDR vs. virtual infatuation

[TheLoneSock]

Okay, I have to just vent, because I am really alarmed at the number of posts I'm reading these days by people who claim to have a bf or gf but that they've never even met in person!

 

Sorry, I just don't consider that a relationship, if you met someone online and have not seen them in person one single time. Give me a break. Get out from behind your computer screen and go out and actually have a life, with real people!

 

Lol, be prepared to endure a flurry of virtual puffiness from people ardently defending their ridiculously long distance relationships, online flings, and make believe relationships. It's ok OP, you're not alone in your concerns. The other %90 of people in the world who still meet SOs in person through actual human interaction, and not through the neatly typed letters of an online profile or forum, are right there with ya.

[HeavenOrHell]

Good post, I identify with a lot of this.

I apologise to anyone if I've sounded overly cautious, I don't mean to belittle anyone's feelings, but I do still think you can't be 100% sure you'll hit it off in the same way IRL as you do online. Obviously some of us have hit it off IRL just as others haven't.

I agree you could just as easily be talking to a 'nutter' you've just met in a bar, I'm just cautious in any situation where I meet a man, having lived with a bloke years ago who didn't show his true colours until we'd lived together 3 months.

My feelings for my partner were growing a lot before we met, felt I loved him as a friend but couldn't look beyond that until we met, but when we met it confirmed how I felt.

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't consider myself to be in a relationship with a man until certain milestones have been reached. That includes having had sex with him and afterwards agreeing that we want the relationship to be exclusive. That's just how I see things.

 

However, I did 'fall' for my SO online. We met in real life after eight weeks of online/on phone friendship. We talked every day/night during that time (msn, skype and phone) for up to 7 hours at a time and we knew as much as it's possible to know about someone from that kind of interaction. We never used the word 'love' because we both felt it was inappropriate, but we frequently used 'adore' instead.

 

He travelled 12,000 miles just to meet me and we agreed that, until we met, there should be no expectations of anything more than a close friendship, though we definitely both had high hopes. We were lucky and the attraction was instant!

 

That's just how we did it. We're both in our 40's and not long out of long term relationships, so perhaps we were more cautious than somebody younger might be.

 

I certainly couldn't make any promises to a man I'd never met, no matter how strong my feelings for him were, especially if I had to wait months, or in some cases years to meet him. However, that doesn't mean other people shouldn't. In my opinion it's a huge risk to spend a long time investing emotionally in someone who may, or may not, live up to expectations, but it's up to every individual to decide whether that risk is worth it.

 

A relationship can be defined in a million different ways and every one of us is unique. I think it's a little judgemental for anyone to think that their definition is the right one.

[aerogurl87]

Lol, be prepared to endure a flurry of virtual puffiness from people ardently defending their ridiculously long distance relationships, online flings, and make believe relationships. It's ok OP, you're not alone in your concerns. The other %90 of people in the world who still meet SOs in person through actual human interaction, and not through the neatly typed letters of an online profile or forum, are right there with ya.

 

Yes TheLoneSock we all know you don't like LDRs, anyway I actually have to agree with the OP, except I did most of the stuff you mentioned that makes no sense. But then again love isn't rational, so yeah.

 

With my ex boyfriend (I met him on an online game) I thought the exact way as was mentioned in the original post. I thought he was crazy for saying he loved me with never meeting me, thought he was psycho for telling me we were gonna get married one day without even knowing what the touch of my hand felt like, and asking me to switch schools to be closer to him. Thought he was crazy and the logical side of my brain fought tooth and nail against him, and for good reasons that I won't go into. Then I met my current (and hopefully last) boyfriend.

 

All logic went out the window with him. Before we met we both said I love you on a regular basis, I was hooked and definitely in love with him, not obsessed but in love. I trusted him with all my heart, planned a trip to go see him with barely anyone knowing where exactly I was going aside from a few of my closest friends. Arrived at the airport, met him for the first time and didn't even feel like I was meeting a stranger, felt like I was meeting my best friend and everything was natural and just amazing. We had sex during our first meeting which everyone advises against usually, but it felt so right we couldn't help ourselves. We've been dating for a little under 6 months and we've already decided I'm going to be moving to Canada permanently in the future to be with him and we're going to get married in a few years. Is it crazy? Yes, but love's a crazy risk anyway.

[Enchanted Girl]

Lol, be prepared to endure a flurry of virtual puffiness from people ardently defending their ridiculously long distance relationships, online flings, and make believe relationships. It's ok OP, you're not alone in your concerns. The other %90 of people in the world who still meet SOs in person through actual human interaction, and not through the neatly typed letters of an online profile or forum, are right there with ya.

 

Yea, you don't actually interact with humans on the internet. None of you people that I am talking to are humans! Stop feeding me your lies! I know the truth about all of you!

[Pyro]

Lol, be prepared to endure a flurry of virtual puffiness from people ardently defending their ridiculously long distance relationships, online flings, and make believe relationships. It's ok OP, you're not alone in your concerns. The other %90 of people in the world who still meet SOs in person through actual human interaction, and not through the neatly typed letters of an online profile or forum, are right there with ya.

 

Could you point me in the direction of those usernames on here who have that kind of relationship?

 

Everyone whom I have read about have at least made definite plans to meet their LD BF/GF.

 

You have already admitted that you have never had a LDR so why must you comment here on these threads?

[Pyro]

Another interesting thing that I recently realized is that some people may enjoy the distance and, in fact, want it. There was an interesting post a while back written by a woman who had basically said she wants an LDR just so she could have someone who she could feel is hers... but she didn't necessarily want to meet them. She just enjoyed the comfort of knowing when she logged on that person is on the other end waiting for her.

 

Albeit, she is probably a rare case. And I do feel that if you are going to be in a relationship where you eventually want to spend the rest of your lives together a meeting, sooner rather than later, is absolutely necessary. Often times the logistics don't work out that way, but that doesn't necessarily mean their feelings of devotion for each other is less than any other couple.

 

now that is odd to me. I agree with the OP on that not being a real relationship. A relationship must have some physical contact.

[Pyro]

Do you not remember the thread? It was a month or two back, it got very little responses. I thought it was very interesting. If I remember correctly the woman said that she was older, physically disabled, and not very attractive. She wanted more of the companionship than a physical, intimate relationship. I really understood where she was coming from... I'll have to look for it now.

 

I don't recall that one.

 

Well that is ok then for a companionship, but a romantic one where you never plan to meet is crazy.

[Els]

Lol, be prepared to endure a flurry of virtual puffiness from people ardently defending their ridiculously long distance relationships, online flings, and make believe relationships. It's ok OP, you're not alone in your concerns. The other %90 of people in the world who still meet SOs in person through actual human interaction, and not through the neatly typed letters of an online profile or forum, are right there with ya.

 

For someone who hates LDRs so, you sure spend a lot of time reading the threads here. And I think you missed the OP's point completely. Also, I have, unlike you, met partners BOTH ways before. What % does that put me in?

[Rollercoasterr]

Do you not remember the thread? It was a month or two back, it got very little responses. I thought it was very interesting. If I remember correctly the woman said that she was older, physically disabled, and not very attractive. She wanted more of the companionship than a physical, intimate relationship. I really understood where she was coming from... I'll have to look for it now.

 

Ahhh I remember that one.

 

I think that when two people never plan to meet it's not real and THEY KNOW IT. They just want someone to talk to and feel loved without actually having to do the whole face to face thing.

 

But I also think that if two people really truly feel right to each other that you have to start making plans. Especially when it is in the way of an LDR between different countries. Mathew and I didn't meet for 4 years because we were young. Now we're a bit older and able to handle the questions and things like that. But then, we're married now so I guess that's moot:p. I see NOTHING wrong(if the two people talk for a good amount of time before meeting) with those two people to start researching on ways to be together. Sometimes I wish that people had researched more before coming on VJ and asking questions that have clearly been answered in the document they claimed to have "read a thousand times". That's not saying that as soon as they get back from the first visit they start putting their paperwork in, it's just saying that they've got a good amount of knowledge under their belt for when the time comes.

[stace79]

Do you not remember the thread? It was a month or two back, it got very little responses. I thought it was very interesting. If I remember correctly the woman said that she was older, physically disabled, and not very attractive. She wanted more of the companionship than a physical, intimate relationship. I really understood where she was coming from... I'll have to look for it now.

 

Personally, and I hate to say this because I know it will offend many, I feel that these are the people who have the purely "virtual" relationships with no meetings. People who feel they are very physically unattractive or overweight. That way they avoid rejection, and it's easy to assume from descriptions or very flattering, strategically taken photos that the person on the other end of the Internet connection is highly attractive, or at least moreso than reality.

 

The kid I had a "virtual" relationship online with in my teen years was exactly that -- and I don't think I'm horribly unattractive but I had serious self-esteem issues as a teen girl (obviously -- who doesn't at that age) so it was an "easier" way to start a relationship. When I met the kid in person, I was essentially mortified. Poor guy -- he was a sweetheart though.

 

I agree with what someone else said though -- without the real, in-person interaction, all you really are is pen pals. You can't truly know someone without spending time with them in person. You can't learn their little nuances, facial expressions, quirky jokes, etc. without seeing them in person.

 

I'm in a LDR now, and I KNOW for a fact it is not the same as when he lived in the same city as me, much less when we lived together in the same house. We both have been discouraged lately at how disconnected we feel from each other. We sort of regain that with webcam chats, but even that is not enough for the both of us.

 

So you folks who have purely online relationships, have never met and have no plans to meet are just crazy in my mind. Sorry.

[Gradschooler]

^^ Holds true ONLY IF they are not making concrete plans to meet.

[stace79]

^^ Holds true ONLY IF they are not making concrete plans to meet.

 

Yes, I would agree. I think what I'm referring to is a very small subset of LDRs. I think most LDRs fall into these categories:

 

1. Met first and circumstances forced us to move away (college, work, etc.)

2. Met virtually and either met in person or planned to meet soon

 

I also think most of us have every intention of moving back together at some point or another. I know my bf and I plan to live together again in the next 1-2 years if everything goes according to plan.

 

I don't think I could go on in this LDR if I didn't think that was the ultimate goal. I just don't see the point of committing myself to someone I never plan to live with again.

[northstar1]

I know a couple who met on a message board 5 years ago, started a relationship, and have never met and they both live in the US.

 

I think that there is now a fear of them to actually meet at all.

[stace79]

I know a couple who met on a message board 5 years ago, started a relationship, and have never met and they both live in the US.

 

I think that there is now a fear of them to actually meet at all.

 

Yeah, I can imagine. B/c you now have this friend/confidante, and you're afraid meeting in person will change it all!!!

[HeavenOrHell]

That was true for me and my partner, we wanted to meet pretty quickly, after 2 or 3 months, but were also hesitant in case we didn't get on as well IRL as we did on skype/phone, didn't want it to ruin what we had.

 

 

Yeah, I can imagine. B/c you now have this friend/confidante, and you're afraid meeting in person will change it all!!!

[BloodBerry]

Okay, I have to just vent, because I am really alarmed at the number of posts I'm reading these days by people who claim to have a bf or gf but that they've never even met in person!

 

Sorry, I just don't consider that a relationship, if you met someone online and have not seen them in person one single time. Give me a break. Get out from behind your computer screen and go out and actually have a life, with real people!

 

 

It's really sad to hear something like this. I am in a LDR now. I know where you're coming from because my bf now also had the same thoughts. I've never met him yet, but 3 years of good friendship is enough for me to know that he's real. We're together for more than a year now.

 

Yes, I may have gotten someone who's near me and I can be with physically, but I chose my bf now because we just clicked and, I fell in love.

 

 

I had bfs in real life too, I was able to see them and be with them a lot but, being with the person doesn't guarantee that the relationship is real. There are many ways for us to know if the person we meet online is real or not.

 

I see that you are frustrated with what happened with your LDR before. That's why you're alarmed at this. I hope you understand other peoples feelings first. You should just respect other peoples relationship.

 

 

You know, love doesn't have a specific formula. Whatever works with you and your partner. May it be LDR or something, even if you met online or somewhere else it doesn't really matter. What matters is what you and your partner are to each other and the commitment that each of you has for each other and the relationship...

[Enchanted Girl]

Because I had an all online "relationship" when I was about 15.

 

It's always weird when people use their bad experiences with dating on the internet as "proof" that internet dating is bad.

 

I don't ever hear people talking about all the break-ups they had with people they knew in person and horrible relationships and using it as proof that people should never date in real life.

 

Internet dating isn't different than real life dating for this reason. There's lots of failed relationships in both places.

[HeavenOrHell]

Very true, but personally I find it a bit strange that someone can be in love with someone before they meet, I just don't know how anyone can know for sure, I mean be 100% sure, I don't suppose the people who don't get on are going to broadcast it as much as those who DO get on just as well IRL as they do online.

I have a good friend (male but gay) who I've spoken to many times over the last 12 years but we've not met, we're very close and I love him as a friend, but whether we would definitely get on as well IRL I don't know, I would hope so of course, but I have met pen-friends (spoken on the phone also) IRL and we didn't get on and the friendship ended.

Yes there are bad experiences whether you meet someone you originally met online or whether you meet them at work etc, I'm cautious with both to be honest

 

 

It's always weird when people use their bad experiences with dating on the internet as "proof" that internet dating is bad.

 

I don't ever hear people talking about all the break-ups they had with people they knew in person and horrible relationships and using it as proof that people should never date in real life.

 

Internet dating isn't different than real life dating for this reason. There's lots of failed relationships in both places.

[stace79]

Very true, but personally I find it a bit strange that someone can be in love with someone before they meet, I just don't know how anyone can know for sure, I mean be 100% sure, I don't suppose the people who don't get on are going to broadcast it as much as those who DO get on just as well IRL as they do online.

I have a good friend (male but gay) who I've spoken to many times over the last 12 years but we've not met, we're very close and I love him as a friend, but whether we would definitely get on as well IRL I don't know, I would hope so of course, but I have met pen-friends (spoken on the phone also) IRL and we didn't get on and the friendship ended.

Yes there are bad experiences whether you meet someone you originally met online or whether you meet them at work etc, I'm cautious with both to be honest

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You just cannot know someone fully if you've never met them in person. So I think that people who claim to be "in love" with someone they've never met are nuts or they just don't really know what real love is...

 

Addition: I don't even think I really knew that I loved my bf until after we'd lived together, although I thought I may have been in love with him when we were just dating.

[aerogurl87]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You just cannot know someone fully if you've never met them in person. So I think that people who claim to be "in love" with someone they've never met are nuts or they just don't really know what real love is...

 

 

I think it's possible. I fell in love with my boyfriend before we met in person. Love is more of an emotional connection than a physical one. You can be emotionally attached to someone and never have met them if you spend lots of time talking and getting to know one another. Granted people can lie and pretend to be something they're not online, but hey if you're good at you can do that while living in the same city and seeing each other a few days a week. When I told my best friend I was in love with my boyfriend before we met, she called me crazy, asked me how it was possible. And I simply told her I just knew I did in my heart because the connection between us was unbelievable mentally and emotionally. I didn't know if it would pan out on a physical level, but I knew I loved him on those other two levels and from talking I was sure that the physical one would be as great also in person and it was. Luckily for me, he felt the exact same way.