Fiance Broke up with me, need advice

[AsianCowboy]

My fiance wanted to break up with me last week (monday)

We dated for about 1.5yrs, And have been engaged for 3 months. I am 33 and korean, she is also korean. We talked about marriage alot before we got engaged. We went ring shopping together and was so happy on the day i asked. She loved telling the story to her friends and family, and loved the ring i got her.

 

I get back from a friends wedding on monday, and she picked me up from the airport. When she picked me up, we hugged and kiss, and held hands all the way back to my place. I talked to her about the trip, tell her it was fun, but wished she was there with me. We watch alittle tv, lying and holding each other on the couch. Then she sits me down as the new was starting and tells me "she doesnt want me to love her anymore"

About two months ago, she said to me, if i loved her enough to let her go. She tells me that she feels she is not good enough for me, that she is not the right person. I tell her, what ever differences we have are not that big, we love each other and we can work anything out as long as we have that love. I then asked her, if she is OK now, she saids she is fine. And wont ever bring this up again. Also around this time, after we got engaged she stopped sleeping over at my place. Because she felt that this would lead to having sex, and wanted our wedding night to be special. But the reality is we have already had sex kind of, we have done just about everything except for the final act. And then one night we did do it, for maybe about a minute, she complained it hurt too much and i stopped. The next day, she said she cried and felt really guilty about it, since she was a virgin.

Ok back to Monday. She tells me she wants to break up because, she doesnt think she is ready to get married, with me or anyone right now. She thinks that we are too different. She is a really innocent girl (29Yrs of age) Im her first real love, she has had one BF previousely. She said, she is sad that she may not be able to give me a baby. She has very irregular periods, maybe 2 times a year. She saids she worries about me, because when i drink I drink alot. In reality, since ive met her, I only drink maybe once a month to the point i get drunk. She thinks i will hurt myself, and make myself sick. I also ride a motorcycle, which she does not like. But she really hates it that i ride over 100mph, do wheelies, and stunts.

Her dad has been having back problems, so she took off 1 month of work to help her parents with their convenience store, then a few weeks here and there. Then about 6 months ago, Her dad went to korea to get acupuncture on his back, so she ran the store by herself for 2 months while both her parents were in korea. She has been in portland again for the past 1.5months, because her dad fell on the ice and injured his back again.

I mentioned to her that her wanting to help her parents is a great thing, and i love how much she cares about them. But i told her, she has someone else in her life now and has to also think about how i feel when she is away from me for so long. Her parents live about 3 hours away. I said to her, she doesnt have to be there for months like this, they could hire somebody. I told her she should help them, but only until they get help, its not fair to you or me, that you are away for so long. But she wants to help them. I believes i am asking her to choose between me and her parents. I told her i would never do that, because parents are very important to me too. and she should help them. But only in emergencies, they cant and she cant keep dropping everything and going down to help them all the time like this. She would also just go down on the weekdays to help out for a few days, because they needed to do something. I would get upset at her for just leaving without even discussing or talking to me about it.

 

So these are the reasons she gave me for wanting to break up. She cried so much about this infront of me as she was telling me all this. I told her, she really hurt me and she is being stupid for doing this. But she said she feels that she just isnt ready to get married, and has been praying to god to give her an answer. She feels i would be happier with someone else. I told her, how much i loved her, and these are all things that can be worked out. I tried for about an hour to talk her out of this, and gave her so many chances to not go through with this. but finally she took off the engagement ring. She wanted me to take it off her, but i said if you really want to do this, you have to take it off. So she did and left.

30 minutes later she comes back to my house, and saids she couldnt leave and she missed me. I told her before she left that i didnt want to see her or talk to her anymore. Because my heart was broken, and it would hurt too much to see her, i was also pissed that she could do this too me. Anyway when she came back, she said she is sorry for hurting me and wanted to hold me. I told her if she still wanted to break up, she should leave, because i didnt want to see her again. I asked her when she stopped loving me, she said she never did stop. But doesnt know why she feels like this. As she was leaving, i told her good bye, and take care. She cried and said dont say that. She finally left.

 

Next day, she calls me. I see from the Caller ID she is at her parents place three times. I didnt want to talk to her, so i turned off my cell phone. Next day, she starts calling again while im at work. I again turn off my phone. She called my work number, and i picked up. She said "I love you and Im in love with you" "I dont feel the same way anymore, is it too late?" I told her i dont know, and she can call me tonight so we can talk in private. She calls me, and explained to me why she did this. She made me understand that my drinking, riding, and parental views really bothered her, more then i knew it did. She said the 2 days we were apart was like she died. She said she wasnt thinking about the big picture, about being together. And realized she doesnt want to live without me. She said, these problems are not worth breaking up over. She realizes, she loves me and is willing to compromise and is commited to making our relationship work. She said that she wants to get back together, i said im hurt by this whole situation, but i love you too. And we are worth giving it a second chance. I also explained to her this can never happen again, because i cant go through this again, she agreed.

[AsianCowboy]

Sorry this is so long, but there is more.

So we got back together on wednesday. On thursday i call her and notice she doesnt sound happy. she said that she wasnt feeling well. I think no big deal. Friday, im coming down to portland to visit my parents. Her parents live in the same city. I call, but nobody answers at her place. I leave finally get a hold of her dad, he said he cant find her. I leave him a message for her to call me. I hear nothing back friday night. Saturday I call while their store is still open so her mom answers and gives me the phone. She said she never got the message, I ask her if she wants to meet up tonight, she said she cant because she has to go somewhere with her dad. I said it can be late, like around 11pm, she said should call me back that night. Anyway at 11:30 she calls me.

I can tell something is wrong, she is being distant. We talk for about an hour, and finally i start getting some answers. She basically is still unsure, and doesnt know why. She knows she loves me, and knows i love her. She feels she was very lucky to be loved by me, but doesnt know if she wants to get married. I of course mention to her, she was sure again on wednesday, but what happened in those 3 days. She doesnt know why she feels this way again.

I wanted to just say, screw this and tell her to forget the whole thing. But thought I have to give this a chance, I tell her to take her time, and i would give that time. I told her to call me when she knows. So i havent talked to her since then.

I really love this girl and didnt even suspect this could happen between us. I know there is no other guy in the picture. I know she deeply cares for me.

I honestly dont know what to do next. Or really understand the reasons, im thinking it cant be just those reasons she told me.

What do i do now, am i doing the right thing by being understanding and giving her the time. Or should i just call her and tell her she is right about everything maybe we should break up, because ive lost that trust and faith in our love.

Ive heard about the stop your divorce technique, what is it exactly, is that what i should do? Please help me to resolve this, i do love her and feel she loves me, and want to make this work.

[Reckless]

Your problem here is not only are you with a girl that is half hearted about marrying you but you cannot communicate and negotiate problems affectively. Even if the marriage does go ahead you'll have problems.

 

She's clearly unsure if she wants to marry you. Two months ago the warning signs were there, she tried to tell you - nothing has changed since so she's been having serious doubts for some time now...

 

It seems to me the points she brought up are valid basis for worry. Your drinking, family views/values, and love of extreme sports have made her wonder if you are the sort of man she can be comfortable with (you also didn't mention if her parents support her choice and it seems she holds her parents in high esteem). Also it's worth mentioning if that woman had kept her virginity until she was almost 30 then finally having sex with you, not matter how brief, was for her a very big deal, (and from what you say, NOT in a good way), so maybe you both have fundamentally different views on morals as well.. I don't know; Your real problem is even now you're not sure about what her fears really are and have despite talking been unable to put those fear to rest. These are bad signs indeed.

 

Bottom line is that whether it's one of the above issues or something completely different (another man, doesn't love you any more or just plain fear of commitment...) but she is not wholehearted about marrying you and you should consider leaving things and finding someone who loves you unreservedly instead so she can find a man whose lifestyle and point of view helps her get over her fears. You are clearly not that man.

 

R.

[AsianCowboy]

She and i do have similar beliefs in marriage, how it will be forever. We want to try to have kids. We want to love each other and never let each other go.

We have similar backgrounds growing up, both college educated, both into church, her more so then me. We like the same television shows.

I have similar family beliefs too, i do believe in this situation she should be helping out her parents, since her dad really hurt his back. My only concern is that this will keep happening, and even when we are married, she would go there for months to help out. I dont think I am being too selfish about this.

As for my drinking, i can agree that she worries about me sometimes. I personally dont think there is a problem, whats the problem with drinking a maybe once a month, and getting drunk. Or when i was in NYC for a friends wedding i drank. But ive told her, its not like i will keep doing this when we are married or have children.

Bike riding this, i understand. I am reckless when it comes to my safety and should be more careful.

I can see these are legitimate concerns on her part, and maybe ive just dismissed them as something i am, and love to do, and she shouldnt have a right to make me stop. I said to her, i understand your concerns, all i can do is try to be more careful, because i know how she feels.

I think her parents like me, but she said she spoke with them about this. And they support her, as long as she follows her heart. They also gave her advice, and said that maybe she want things her way, and i want things my way. And only one person can wear the pants, and the man (me) isnt going to give it up. So her father asked her to decide if she can give up part of that control.

Im not saying i want to dominate, im firm in my beliefs, and it takes alot for me to change my mind. But im always willing to listen. We talked about this, and i said marriage is a compromise adn i am willing to do that. But as a man, i just need to know i have 50.1% control, compared to 49.9% of the control for her.

Part of the issue may be that, this her first serious relationship and she has a utopic view on the subject. She thinks the person you marry, is going to be a perfect match. She doesnt ever want to get a divorce, and said that is not an option. I think she thinks these problems will be big problems when we get married and is afraid to commit, because she is afraid of divorce. I just try to tell her, these differences are not that big, we can work these out. Its love thats important, and if you both love each other we can comprise and give to solve these.

This is really hard, because I do believe she still loves me, and if that is still there, this is not hopeless yet.

Anyway, she is just thinking things over this time around. She didnt say she wants to break up again, because she knows if she saids it this time....its final.

[jmargel]

We talked about this, and i said marriage is a compromise adn i am willing to do that. But as a man, i just need to know i have 50.1% control, compared to 49.9% of the control for her.

 

Now everyone has their own view, but there is NO way you can say I want 50.1 and you get 49.9% Its either 50/50 or it becomes a power struggle. You are just putting some fancy covering over a potential serious problem. Its your way of rationalizing that you should have the upper hand in this.

 

You have to understand her family is extremely important to her. Her views are different than yours. So you either have to live with this & understand this, or end the relationship. Same with her, on your motorcycle riding (though you shouldn't be disobeying the law if you are doing this). I would assume she is worried because doing 100+ mph and having an accident would be certain death for you. Take that into consideration. My one close friend was doing 80 mph when he lost control of his bike and hit a tree head-on.

 

You two definetly have communication problems, and I would advise for both of you to see a couple's councilor. This is the ONLY way this will get fixed. Trust me, if you don't go I can guarantee that your relationship won't last.

 

It's apparent she loves you, but is confused which is natural. Right now she is looking for answers, and now is NOT the time to be selfish. And you giving her an ultamatium like you did is the worst thing you could EVER do! Don't make her feel pressured or guilty because of the things she's going through.

[Reckless]

If you look at my original post you'll see I pointed out two main problems, 1) she is as yet undecided (unsure) if she wants to marry you and; 2) you have communication problems.

 

This hasn't changed since your last post.

 

As for the first point, no discussion is necessary, it's a fact - she's not sure if she wants to be married to you.

 

Looking at the second problem, you said in your first post that she had voiced her concerns about your relationship to you, bringing up certain issues. You both talked, I then asked her, if she is OK now, she saids she is fine. And wont ever bring this up again. . The result? 8 weeks later she tries to break up with you. In your opinion, how successful, on a scale of one to ten where your attempts to ally her fears? Did you both come to a workable and mutually satisfactory compromise? Did she think, ah... I see I am marrying someone with whom I can work out future problems, whether they be sexual, financial familial, emotional....?

 

Communication isn't just talking, it's an exchange of thoughts and ideas that enables two people to come to position they can both be happy with (or at least live with). You were happy with how your discussions went, was she? The problems are not insurmountable, the problems aren't the issues themselves (which every new family has to negotiate and resolve to a certain extent) the problem as I stated, is whatever methods of communication you have employed AREN'T WORKING. Your words and actions have not reassured her or inspire her to adjust her point of view - you needed all of the above before you laid the matter to rest.

 

You can continue to present mathmatical equations until you're blue in the face but I don't think her concern is the balance of power in the relationship so much as is she willing to submit for the rest of her life to someone in whom she has not got complete confidence. Her father was right to ask her if she was willing to give up control, in the past women had little choice in the matter but in todays world the modern father asks his daughter if she's willing to do this. The answer depends on the type of man she'd be doing it for.

 

I can see these are legitimate concerns on her part, and maybe ive just dismissed them as something i am, and love to do, and she shouldnt have a right to make me stop.

 

Nuff said...