How much effect does your first relationship have on the subsequent ones?

[smk]

something to ponder...

 

As most of you maybe aware - i recently broke up with my first love and now have an exponential and inordinate amount of time on my hands and have been thinking alot...

 

Anyways over the last few weeks i have been thinking about my ex's experience in her past relationships and how that may or may not have something to do with out break...

 

basically i have been thinking about somethings we spoke about and i recall her telling me about her past relationships and how that affected her to a certain extent...

 

Anyways i am not expert at relationships seeing as this was the longest one I have ever had and I am just thinking what effect your first relationship has on all your future relationships... i.e. if you were cheated on, do you always fear that your future partners will always cheat, if your family told you that you first bf/gf was a good for nothing and they did end up being a good for nothing do you subsequently look for that seal of approval from your family???

 

also how much do our relationships with our own family go towards determining how we have relationships with our SO's? again similar lines of thought - if you had a controlling parent do you always look for someone with those qualities (subconsciously), if you had abusive folks do you again subconsciously go for those kinds of people??? you get the drift...

 

would love to hear peoples view's on this...

 

I know my ex had some pretty messed up LTR's throughout her life till she got to the point where she basically went off the rails before calming down again and then meeting me - but just trying to figure things out and learn how our mind works...

[USMCHokie]

My first relationship lasted about 6 months and ended about a year ago, and it has made dating very difficult for me even a year later...even though I'm seeing a girl right now, it's near impossible for me to feel any semblance of an emotional attachment towards her...if she were to leave today, I probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash...

 

I honestly don't feel any end in sight...every girl that I've dated since my ex has been the same way to me...I got over it pretty much the second we ended it, and I didn't feel anything...perhaps it's some walls I've put up to prevent myself from getting hurt again...I'm not really sure...but I'm afraid I'll never be able to really love someone again...at this point I feel like the girls I date are just partners to do stuff with and nothing more...

[smk]

My first relationship lasted about 6 months and ended about a year ago, and it has made dating very difficult for me even a year later...even though I'm seeing a girl right now, it's near impossible for me to feel any semblance of an emotional attachment towards her...if she were to leave today, I probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash...

 

I honestly don't feel any end in sight...every girl that I've dated since my ex has been the same way to me...I got over it pretty much the second we ended it, and I didn't feel anything...perhaps it's some walls I've put up to prevent myself from getting hurt again...I'm not really sure...but I'm afraid I'll never be able to really love someone again...at this point I feel like the girls I date are just partners to do stuff with and nothing more...

 

I bet that really f****d your summer kinda like my break up did mine... we broke up 6 weeks ago after and extremely intense 6 months and 2 weeks after I moved in with her...

 

At the moment I cant really imagine myself dating someone else, I know the mindset I have at the moment is wrong but similarly to what you are going through right now I know and believe that I will never be able to fully commit to another person on the emotional level and be able to truly love them they way I love her... She is my first love and it feels that when she left she took away a big piece of me...

 

Life has no flavour anymore, everything seems to be a mundane task(except coming onto LS - thats the only thing I look forward to - the words inspire me to move on).

 

My situation was similar in the sense that I had carefully spent a long time building up all these emotional barriers to prevent myself from getting hurt, simply because I had a weird sort of childhood and saw lots of people getting hurt, hence I figured I would pre-empt it create the barriers, yet she waltzed into my life and without a check broke through each and every one of those barriers - she taught me that it was ok to love someone, it was ok to feel something for someone other than myself, granted she also broke my heart - but what she brought into my life outweighed what she took... I go through the anger, but overall I still love her and cant stop...

[DustySaltus]

Well, I was in a very unique situation. My first relationship was the same person I would get engaged to 8 years later. Sandwiched between that I had a bunch of different types of relationships. I was a jerk in some of them, a gentleman in others but learned from all. I thought I had a clear idea of what I wanted, so I went after it. All the way to Israel from America.

 

I moved away from my family, my friends, my job and all sense of security because I felt and knew in my heart at the time that was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Then it all came crashing down. She wasn't who I thought she was. I thought I had enough experience in life at the time (I was 26) where I knew that I was making the right decision. I saw an end with her. I saw someone that I thought I would be sitting in a rocking chair with 50 years from now. Then it all disappeared in the blink of an eye.

 

So what have I learned from that relationship? Well, first of all no matter how ready or experienced you think you are in relationships understand that you can't control someone else's past. What you go through is part of who you become. She would speak about past relationships all the time and things were never ever her fault. I would speak of mine and explain where I failed and what i needed to improve at...because I wanted to be the best man for her.

 

At the end of the day she never trusted me and always thought I had one foot out the door. She left me because she thought I was going to leave her. The fear of abandonment ruled our relationship, that was a big part of her personality disorder.

 

You can ever let another woman define who you are. I hurt more than you could ever imagine. On top of that I lost a ton of money, never got the ring back and she tried to get me fired from my job. But everyday I got better. If I can do it, you can do it.

 

You just have to want to get better.

[AlwaysConflicted]

It depends. I was deeply in love with the girl from my first relationship. That was about 7 years ago. After her, I had a couple of relationships with girls I liked alot, but didn't love. Most recently I fell in love again.

 

I would say after the first relationship I became very guarded, reluctant to love again, and slightly more pessimistic. I tried hard to move on, but it took me years. I still love the idea of the girl from 7 years ago, but it just feels like a distant memory with no emotions attached.

[USMCHokie]

I still love the idea of the girl from 7 years ago, but it just feels like a distant memory with no emotions attached.

 

I'm looking forward to the day that this will apply to me...

[TheLoneSock]

How much effect does your first relationship have on the subsequent ones?

 

Lol, a lot...

[D-Lish]

Every single man I have ever dated seems to be affected by the very first time he fell in love and got his heart broken. I know so many men that fell in love in their late teens/early 20's- threw everything they had into the relationship, and got their heart ripped out.

 

The last guy I dated was 31- and he was always adamant that he'll never allow himself to love again the way he did the first time. He dated her for 3 1/2 years, and he hasn't been with anyone for longer than 9 months since then. After knowing him, I don't know if he'll ever truly let his guard down again.

 

I think that the way you experience your first real love and subsequent heart-break is something that never leaves you.

 

I haven't let anyone into my bubble since my divorce, and in the last 8 years, I have have become picky to the point of ridiculousness. I think I am going to be single for the rest of my life- I truly believe that.

[USMCHokie]

D,

 

In your experience, do you think that those self-imposed walls/bubbles have any correlation to gender...? That is, do you think men or women are more likely to build those walls, or is it gender neutral and more individual-based...?

[AlwaysConflicted]

I have have become picky to the point of ridiculousness.

 

Sounds like my ex. She's searching for someone that doesn't exist.

 

I think some of the problem here is a generational thing. Women are no longer dependent on men for anything. They want their own careers, they're happy hanging out with their friends, they're just a lot more independent. Guys on the other hand haven't changed one bit.

 

smk: The truth is that you might find someone tomorrow or you might find someone 10 years from now. The best thing you can do is not put blinders on and try to open your heart up to every girl. Easier said than done, but try to avoid my mistake. I was hung up on my 1st love for 3 - 4 years. It prevented me from meeting a ton of great girls.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Since my break-up and heartbreak (ex dumped me) I haven't been able to 'feel' anything. Its like I have no interest in men at all. I WANT to, but its like its just numb where emotion used to be. I'm also pessimistic now, not idealistic and honestly asssume that i'll never fall in love or be with anyone again.

 

The way you are with your first love is intense and new and you love with abandon; its free and innocent and amazing and limitless the way you love. Now I feel a lot of fear attached to love where there wasn't fear before.

 

I do hate this a lot. But I'm a very traditional person as well. I really wanted my first love to be my last. I know I can't be so fanatical about this idea but I don't want to date or mess around with guys; I wanted my first love and to just grow stronger and stronger. I suppose I have to let go of this expectation and realise life isn't always like that but for me, no lie, achknowledging that is a huge loss, as if I have found proof that God doesn't exist or something. It leaves me feeling very cold and angry.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Sounds like my ex. She's searching for someone that doesn't exist.

 

I think some of the problem here is a generational thing. Women are no longer dependent on men for anything. They want their own careers, they're happy hanging out with their friends, they're just a lot more independent. Guys on the other hand haven't changed one bit.

 

smk: The truth is that you might find someone tomorrow or you might find someone 10 years from now. The best thing you can do is not put blinders on and try to open your heart up to every girl. Easier said than done, but try to avoid my mistake. I was hung up on my 1st love for 3 - 4 years. It prevented me from meeting a ton of great girls.

 

I agree that women aren't dependent on men for anything, but neither are men on women. We all still want relationships though. (Well, I think most of us do) If anything I think it has more to do with society's attitude, especially younger generations, that independence and ourself is more important than the collective or a relationship and that things should always be new and replacable.

[smk]

Firstly I do apologise for the long post – but I this whole thing has really got me thinking – about myself, about my ex, and about how some of my childhood relationships and my relationship my ex has in some way shape or form moulded my thinking into a particular way…

 

Dusty

 

Wow – you really did go through hell and back… I know I have said this before, but if you and a lot of the other people on LS who have been through this can do it, then surely we can… I believe as humans we have the power to heal ourselves – we just need to believe in it enough to want to get better…

 

My relationship with my ex was based on being completely open and honest with each other – there are things that I have done that I am not proud of and likewise so has she, but I think we both knew from early on that keeping things would not help in any way… I have always had a fear of abandonment that stems from childhood incidents, and hence to a certain extent I do believe that because she was the first person to whom I was able to completely open up she was “the one”… She has had some very dysfunctional relationships in her past as I mentioned earlier and hence I believe that deep down she has this fear that eventually all her relationships will end that way… she was honest enough with me to share this fear, however she also went to the extent of telling me that for the first time in her life she felt as though with me things would never end that way… like you we both pictured ourselves sitting on that rocking chair 50 years from now…

 

But I agree that no matter how experienced we think we are we cannot control someone else’s past… only they have the power to overcome what they went through… even with the trust issues, I recall her getting annoyed when I talked to 2 of my female friends ( I had dated one for a couple of weeks when I was 16 – I am now 26 and we realised we had no romantic feelings for each other, and the other we got drunk one night and kissed and realised our friendship was a lot more valuable than a casual night of fun) – when I realised that she didn’t like me talking to them I slowly started cutting them out to a certain extent… I know that this is not a solution, but I genuinely believed that over time they would understand and she would see that they were nothing more than friends.

 

I think that because of her previous failed relationships as well as her relationship with her father (he is very controlling and she has always sought his approval when it came to relationships – he never approved of any of the relationships she had and he always said to her that they would fail because the guy was not good enough) have played a major role in our relationship and maybe part of the reason why when her dad didn’t approve of me (without ever meeting me or speaking to me) she was so quick to call it off. I even remember her telling me that irrespective of whether she agrees with him or not, she has come to believe that he is always right because he has been in the past… I don’t know if this would make her a CP or someone who self sabotages… Also the act that she went through phases of being hot & cold every so often and when things didn’t go her way maybe something that has affected her from her past… she did always tell me that she was afraid of getting hurt and hence sometimes she switched off…

 

AC

 

The question here is though do we ever truly love someone as much as we did our first love?? I mean sure we move on, we accept that they are no longer part of our lives, and even reach that point where you are where it feels like a distant memory with no emotions, but we always love them to our deathbed…

 

I think my ex is too afraid too love someone simply for the fear of 2 things – one she seeks approval from her father and secondly her first relationship was really bad and that seems to have scarred her… I dunno really maybe I am just saying this and analysing all of this to try and make myself feel better…

 

Irrespective of the generational thing, I think as human beings deep down inside we all want the same thing, no one really wants to grow old alone – we all want companionship, and yes women are no longer dependant on men, but at the end of the day our core emotions are the same aren’t they??? Don’t we all have some deep seated need / want to be love and be loved in return???

 

AC yeah I agree with you, I am sure that some day in the future I may meet someone who I may fall in love with, but to be completely honest, there will always be guards that I will have put up subconsciously… As I said earlier I created guards a very long time ago and somehow so far she has been the only person to ever get through them all… I have met girls with whom some of the guards have gone down, but never one who managed to get to my core except her…

 

 

 

USM

 

I think we all wait for that day, some get it sooner rather then later, and others wait a lifetime for it and never get there….

 

In my opinion I think men are more predisposed to creating those walls/bubbles are their losing their first love – we are not emotionally capable of dealing with such a range of emotions, but then again so are some women.. But in my opinion I think that it’s the guys that create more guards to prevent us from having to deal with the heartache all over again… I read this somewhere on LS that women generally have a stronger support network when it comes to emotion, where as with men we are taught from a young age that emotions, crying, etc… are signs of weakness and hence when do have to deal with it, we break down and when we do pick up again we sort of put up barriers to not let someone do that to us again…

 

 

 

D

 

“I know so many men that fell in love in their late teens/early 20's- threw everything they had into the relationship, and got their heart ripped out.”

 

 

This describes me perfectly – I threw everything in the ring and got knocked out…LOL… but yeah I am beginning to notice a pattern here… Again I think this comes down to the fact that men are not taught how to deal with emotions….

 

 

“The last guy I dated was 31- and he was always adamant that he'll never allow himself to love again the way he did the first time. After knowing him, I don't know if he'll ever truly let his guard down again.”

 

This is how I feel…. I am starting to think that my mind has started rewiring itself to not allow me to let my guards down like I did before…

 

“I think that the way you experience your first real love and subsequent heart-break is something that never leaves you.”

 

Again I do believe this – because it has such a profound effect on us its something that we base all our subsequent relationships on… not that I am talking from experience but it seems to be the general consensus…

 

“I think I am going to be single for the rest of my life- I truly believe that. “

 

Our beliefs are something that only we have the power to change – I am not trying to say that I have some infinite knowledge of the universe or something, but I personally believe that we can achieve anything we believe in… I have been through both the best and worst things imaginable in life (I wont go into details) but I have been to the depths of hell and the only thing that every got me through was the belief that there was light at the end of the tunnel… in terms of my future relationships I have a very faint glimmer of that light right now, but I know that the end outcome is what I choose it to be… if I choose to be alone then I will be – if I choose to overcome this then I will…

 

My mantra has and always will be – we are masters of our destiny….

 

 

 

Nikki

 

“The way you are with your first love is intense and new and you love with abandon; its free and innocent and amazing and limitless the way you love. Now I feel a lot of fear attached to love where there wasn't fear before.”

 

Perfectly sums it up… again I have no experience in this seeing as she was and still is and always will be my first love… it’s the pureness and innocence that we never find again… we spend a lifetime searching for it and it never comes again….

 

I, like you nikki am traditional to a certain extent – when I finally did allow myself to fall in love I wanted her to be my last… I truly saw myself growing old with her, it never once scared me… it just felt right…

 

Given I dated a few girls, slept with a few, had a few one night stands, but a few months before I got with my ex, I came to this point where I wasn’t looking for love or a relationship but I had made a conscious decision that the next person I would do anything with would have to be someone I cared about… I stopped fooling around and pretty much decided that I had had enough of meaningless flings and that was it… I wasn’t scared that I might never have sex again if I didn’t meet someone, I just felt that I wanted to feel something for the other person before jumping into bed with them, because I had never felt that before…

 

“I wanted my first love and to just grow stronger and stronger.”

 

Describes me to the tee….

[robaday]

Mine destroyed every single snippet of my being and I had to build myself up from scratch, piece by piece over the course of a full year.

 

It taught me to never put someone on a pedestal, it taught me to never hold them responsible for your own happiness, it taught me to never allow ****ty treatment, it taught me self respect.

 

But sadly, I am also now severely commitment phobic and in my last relationship was haveing panic attacks daily.........and I got diagnosed as having PSTD linked to the first heartbreak.

 

So good and bad things came out, but at least I know what I have to work on to move forward and be able to trust again.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

something to ponder...

 

As most of you maybe aware - i recently broke up with my first love and now have an exponential and inordinate amount of time on my hands and have been thinking alot...

 

Anyways over the last few weeks i have been thinking about my ex's experience in her past relationships and how that may or may not have something to do with out break...

 

basically i have been thinking about somethings we spoke about and i recall her telling me about her past relationships and how that affected her to a certain extent...

 

Anyways i am not expert at relationships seeing as this was the longest one I have ever had and I am just thinking what effect your first relationship has on all your future relationships... i.e. if you were cheated on, do you always fear that your future partners will always cheat, if your family told you that you first bf/gf was a good for nothing and they did end up being a good for nothing do you subsequently look for that seal of approval from your family???

 

also how much do our relationships with our own family go towards determining how we have relationships with our SO's? again similar lines of thought - if you had a controlling parent do you always look for someone with those qualities (subconsciously), if you had abusive folks do you again subconsciously go for those kinds of people??? you get the drift...

 

would love to hear peoples view's on this...

 

I know my ex had some pretty messed up LTR's throughout her life till she got to the point where she basically went off the rails before calming down again and then meeting me - but just trying to figure things out and learn how our mind works...

 

Ever one learns different lessons from different experiences when I was young I thought sex meant love when I got a little older I realized that wasn't true at all but it took me a few crappy half/relationships to realize that.

 

My last partner before my current bf was a extremely abusive drunk that kind of touches on your family relations question I think. Cause if I look back and try to connect my dots my own mother was quite abusive when I was growing up.

 

So who knows maybe that did influence me in some way if not in just being with a man like that then maybe more so staying for the length of time I did to some extent.

 

Ive now learned that I deserve better and have found a good guy so I think people can take both good and bad from past relationships it can ether scar you for life or help heal you the choice is ours at the end of the day.

[smk]

Mine destroyed every single snippet of my being and I had to build myself up from scratch, piece by piece over the course of a full year.

 

It taught me to never put someone on a pedestal, it taught me to never hold them responsible for your own happiness, it taught me to never allow ****ty treatment, it taught me self respect.

 

But sadly, I am also now severely commitment phobic and in my last relationship was haveing panic attacks daily.........and I got diagnosed as having PSTD linked to the first heartbreak.

 

So good and bad things came out, but at least I know what I have to work on to move forward and be able to trust again.

 

 

as much as i hate to admit it - i feel the same way...

 

i have the panic attacks, the anxiety the works... given i havent tried to get into a new relationship yet.. but i cant picture it happening... i know i am going against my own beliefs here but i dont think i will ever get into another relationship...

 

it feels as though everything i believed in is a lie...

[LoveTruthChaos]

The way you are with your first love is intense and new and you love with abandon; its free and innocent and amazing and limitless the way you love.

 

Not if your partner puts limits on what you can and cannot express, since he's 16 years your senior

 

I consider my first 'love' to be the relationship that just ended (which was my second relationship). And that's what happened.

 

I have never experienced the feelings you've mentioned. I can't wait for the day when someone will let me love them in my own special way - with childlike abandon. I'm waiting to express it in a world where everyone's lost the ability

[GrayClouds]

The prospect that first significant relationship will define the sequential relationships it almost unarguable. It sets the pattern of behaviors for you that becomes your biases. The first relationship teaches you how to express emotional intimacy, develop communicate skills, the ability to effectively create workable boundaries, and goes great distance in forming self-esteem. A unhealthy first relationship make all others a significant challenge.

 

Disappointingly, we have very little choice with the quality of that first relationship. Before we know it we find ourselves in it, learning, adapting and trying to make it succeed. Some of us are lucky, we learn much, it gives us some real insights and security about who we are and who we choose to love. Most are left with a good deal of work to get to that place. Sadly, being human, the majority of us do not realize it we do as we move on to the our next relationship.

 

We do not know what we do not know. Unless we really take a good hard look at that first relationship, understand that good things we learned, where we may developed unhealthy patterns, have the courage to try new behaviors our quest for a great relationship comes down to luck as much as skill.

 

Taking a good hard look at that first relationship; discover how it affected you, understanding both the positive and the negatives, then set out to improve in the area you need to will insure, not matter what that experience of our first relationship like, that it is a gift.

 

The first relationship is with those who raised us as children. So your looking at the first break-up or the 9th, try looking a bit further back. The beautify of a break-up offers the insight on your first relationship, offering us clues to where we need to improve. It just take courage, and hard work to listen.

 

 

.

Edited July 22, 2010 by GrayClouds

[smk]

I consider my first 'love' to be the relationship that just ended (which was my second relationship). And that's what happened.

 

I dont think that your first relationship is necessarily your first love... i know mine wasnt but then again before my ex my longest relationship had only been 4 weeks... i just never felt the way i did about her for any other person...

 

I have never experienced the feelings you've mentioned. I can't wait for the day when someone will let me love them in my own special way - with childlike abandon. I'm waiting to express it in a world where everyone's lost the ability

 

loving someone with that childlike abandon and having them love you back in the same way (i do believe that she did love - just not enough to fight for me when it came down to it)....it is the most amazing feeling in this world - all of a sudden nothing or no one else matters - you cant seem to think of anything else, they are the sun around which you revolve and its like a drug... i believe that you only feel love like that once in your lifetime....

[smk]

The prospect that first significant relationship will define the sequential relationships it almost unarguable. It sets the pattern of behaviors for you that becomes your biases. The first relationship teaches you how to express emotional intimacy, develop communicate skills, the ability to effectively create workable boundaries, and goes great distance in forming self-esteem. A unhealthy first relationship make all others a significant challenge.

 

describes it perfectly - except that if you do have an healthy first relationship and it ends unhealthily then what happens???

 

Disappointingly, we have very little choice with the quality of that first relationship. Before we know it we find ourselves in it, learning, adapting and trying to make it succeed. Some of us are lucky, we learn much, it gives us some real insights and security about who we are and who we choose to love. Most are left with a good deal of work to get to that place. Sadly, being human, the majority of us do not realize it we do as we move on to the our next relationship.

 

We do not know what we do not know. Unless we really take a good hard look at that first relationship, understand that good things we learned, where we may developed unhealthy patterns, have the courage to try new behaviors our quest for a great relationship comes down to luck as much as skill.

 

Taking a good hard look at that first relationship; discover how it affected you, understanding both the positive and the negatives, then set out to improve in the area you need to will insure, not matter what that experience of our first relationship like, that it is a gift.

 

The first relationship is with those who raised us as children. So your looking at the first break-up or the 9th, try looking a bit further back. The beautify of a break-up offers the insight on your first relationship, offering us clues to where we need to improve. It just take courage, and hard work to listen.

 

.

 

I agree with the last bit, i think we need to look at our relationships with our family, siblings to determine how we approach future relationships... I unfortunately dealt with my childhood issues by learning to block people out and not becoming emotionally attached to other people, however when it did happen i had no idea how to control the emotions that i was feeling because they were so alien to me, as my relationship progressed i learnt how to deal with everything and just when things were getting better things ended.... the irony...LOL...

 

i guess just like first relationships we have to deal with first break ups...

 

but i think that our relationships with our parents, siblings and consequently our first relationship does define how we deal with all future relationships....

[D-Lish]

D,

 

In your experience, do you think that those self-imposed walls/bubbles have any correlation to gender...? That is, do you think men or women are more likely to build those walls, or is it gender neutral and more individual-based...?

 

I think both genders fall hard the first time, but I think males are less capable of bouncing back than females are.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Not if your partner puts limits on what you can and cannot express, since he's 16 years your senior

 

I consider my first 'love' to be the relationship that just ended (which was my second relationship). And that's what happened.

 

I have never experienced the feelings you've mentioned. I can't wait for the day when someone will let me love them in my own special way - with childlike abandon. I'm waiting to express it in a world where everyone's lost the ability

 

I think thats what I feel; that i'm surrounded my people who want flings and sex and i'm traditional and old-fashioned and its going to be a struggle to find a relationship that can be all I want. It gives me a sense of hopelessness.

[DustySaltus]

I remember when I asked Michelle to be my girlfriend in the 1st grade. She said yes in the morning but when she saw Giuseppe's Hostess Cupcakes at lunchtime she ended it.

[smk]

I remember when I asked Michelle to be my girlfriend in the 1st grade. She said yes in the morning but when she saw Giuseppe's Hostess Cupcakes at lunchtime she ended it.

 

cupcakes - i bet your never looked at them in the same light again - i can only imagine what turmoil that put you through....

 

hmmmm orea cookie cupcakes....

[GrayClouds]

The prospect that first significant relationship will define the sequential relationships it almost unarguable...

I should add that it is up to us how it will define the sequential just a the next one and the next one; we can use it as a excuse not to try, to hold ourselves back, not to trust or we can use it to grow so we can give even more and better the next time.