why dont most people blame the cheater??

[drewsmom]

Why do most people blame the other woman for their husbands leaving them???? I on the other hand blame the guy, I get woman can get flirty and pushy but so can men when aproaching married woman and half the woman wouldnt act on it. If our men were happily married and in love with us then they wouldnt be tempted to go with the other woman, nobody can take somebody unless they are willing to go. My husband left me for another woman and I blame him, because If it wasnt her it would have been someone else he obviously wasnt happy here he needed a change, was what he told me, I did everything I had to do in my marriage being a good wife and mother there was nothing else i could do for him and begging was not an option as I cant beg someone to be with me if he dont want to be here,so good luck to him and the new girlfriend, I have no hard feelings towards her, all I will ask is she is when he is ready to have her around my son that she treat him like I treat him, as long as she is good to my son, but I told ex if I find out she wasnt good to him its all over.

[dgiirl]

I think there is enough blame for both of them.

 

Of course, if your spouse cheats on your marriage, he is breaking his commitments and promises to you and it hurts even more because you have a personal relationship with him.

 

However, the OW/OM is also to blame for simply having no morals. Personally, when I meet a married person, I instantly place them into the "friend zone". I do not fantasize about the person, I do not pursue any "innocent" crushes or romantic feelings. I respect the covenant of marriage and don't even entertain the idea. It's WAY to easy to step over the boundaries when you put yourself into the position.

 

I've heard some women say as long as the man doesn't have any kids, he's not really married. Makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. But these are the type of people who probably don't respect a long term committed relationship either.

 

And I'm just talking about the adultery aspect.

 

Of course, in the marriage, both spouses have to share some responsibility for the deterioration of the relationship. But for the actual act of adultery? Both cheaters are to blame.

[spriggig]

I don't think "most" people do.

 

I take no responsibility for the affair itself--she is 100% responsible for her decision to have an affair. I take exactly half of the responsibility for the poor state of our marriage before the affair.

 

Once the affair was established with the specific OM, I blame him about 20%, because he knew ahead of time that she was married with kids, and I blame her the other 80%. If she had lied to him about being married then she would have been 100% to blame for that affair under those circumstances.

[hurt and devastated]

I don't think "most" people do.

 

I take no responsibility for the affair itself--she is 100% responsible for her decision to have an affair. I take exactly half of the responsibility for the poor state of our marriage before the affair.

 

Once the affair was established with the specific OM, I blame him about 20%, because he knew ahead of time that she was married with kids, and I blame her the other 80%. If she had lied to him about being married then she would have been 100% to blame for that affair under those circumstances.

 

Those are brilliant words right there. It's taken me a long time to accept the fact that I didn't literally drive her into another man's arms. I'm only be responsible for doing my part to put our marriage at the point it was when the affair started. That doesn't take away the guilt that I could have done things to prevent it, but I can't make myself solely responsible. Sorry for the threadjack, but reading your words just put a lot into perspective for me.

[D-Lish]

My exH cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. I blame him 100% for his choice to cheat.

 

I have to admit, that when I first found out, I wanted to kill both of them- probably her more. I blamed her initially. After the dust settled, I put the blame where it was deserved, on him.

 

The OW knew he was married and didn't care- but she didn't know me, and ultimately she didn't owe me anything.

 

My exH was the one that made me a promise, and he was the one that made the choice to break it, which is why I walked. He is the one that now has to live with his consequences. He's living with the consequences to this day- I left him, and he married her and has gone on to have 2 more children with her. However, he still calls and sends me e-mails telling me I was the love of his life and that he screwed up. I get these contacts like clockwork, about once every 6 months.

 

When I found out he cheated, I walked right there and then- I had too much pride to even consider working things out even though he wanted to.

 

It was his choice to cheat- he went that route, and the blame for doing that is on him, not the OW.

[BellaBellaBella]

D,

 

Have you ever thought of sending his declarations of love on to her?

 

B

[spriggig]

Those are brilliant words right there. It's taken me a long time to accept the fact that I didn't literally drive her into another man's arms. I'm only be responsible for doing my part to put our marriage at the point it was when the affair started. That doesn't take away the guilt that I could have done things to prevent it, but I can't make myself solely responsible. Sorry for the threadjack, but reading your words just put a lot into perspective for me.

 

I'm glad this helped you a little. It took three months (January to March) of painful introspection and countless hours of reading on this board to get there.

 

I dealt with my guilt by simply acknowledging it over and over without defending myself--"I f*cked up, really bad" NOT "I f*cked up, but she did this or that and that relieves me". I took responsibility to myself for MY actions without justifying them in any way. Then I forgave myself and vowed to learn to do better--which I've been doing. You gotta walk the walk.

[norajane]

I blame the cheater. Absolutely.

 

But the spouses of the cheater, and the OP's too, love their cheater in most cases. So transferring more blame to someone other than the cheater allows them to rationalize continuing to love the cheater. It's hard to just shut off the love faucet.

[D-Lish]

D,

 

Have you ever thought of sending his declarations of love on to her?

 

B

 

Nah, I'm just not invested in the relationship anymore, so there would be no point in hurting her. I also wouldn't want to hurt her. I remember how I felt when I found out (she contacted me and told me)- and I'm past all of my knee-jerk reaction revenge fantasies. She's the mother of his children now, and she's the wife now. This reality doesn't negate what him and I once had, but I'd still never interfere.

 

I actually met her once, just by chance one x-mas when they were out shopping together and we literally ran right into one another with his son in tow and her with another one on the way. I was very diplomatic, I even shook her hand and congratulated her on her second pregnancy. I smiled, and acted unphased, then I went home afterward and fell apart, bawled my eyes out. I wasn't going to let her or him ever see that it affected me the way it did.

 

I'm not a threat to her anymore, so rubbing anything in her face isn't something I would feel good about doing.

[Butterflair]

I don't think "most" people do.

 

I take no responsibility for the affair itself--she is 100% responsible for her decision to have an affair. I take exactly half of the responsibility for the poor state of our marriage before the affair.

 

This is how I feel too, I am half responsible for the drifting apart we did in the marriage but I did not make him sleep with her, that was 100% his choice. I place the blame for that on both of them equally. She is not a stranger, she knows me. I am finally letting the guilt go about asking him to leave.

[LucreziaBorgia]

They do blame the cheater, but it is easier to vent the anger and rage at the person you hate rather than the person you love.

[D-Lish]

They do blame the cheater, but it is easier to vent the anger and rage at the person you hate rather than the person you love.

 

Yeah, true enough. I think at first, it was easier for me to believe that some evil, awful person intervened and tempted him to doing something he didn't want to do because she was an evil manipulative whore.

 

Believing that he actually fell into it willingly was harder to swallow at that time.

 

I know she knew he was married, and I know she didn't care- but he should have, and he didn't.

[Steadfast]

I've agree with spriggig's 'percentage' conclusion. No one can be held responsible for something they had no say in...or didn't even know about! So, I'll fall in line and take my lumps, but past a certain point it's on her.

 

I know now my ex's first affair was with a guy who was simply interested in a piece of ass. Sure, he said and did all the right things to get into (er...) position but after he hit it twice, he quit it. Her teary recount of this chain of events? "I was there for him, but he wasn't there for me!" I am not kidding, she actually wanted me to feel bad for her. It's numbing.

 

So, while the scales overwhelmingly dip towards the cheater, what the OM/OW brings to the table can't be excused so easily. His role in bringing pain and suffering to me -and especially my children- cannot and will not be ignored. Her honor, and my part in protecting it are things of the past, but I feel strongly it was a personal affront to me and my family. Excluding my ex's decision and actions (which again, I know to be considerable) his pleasure, his conquest, was stolen from my soul.

 

In response, I divorced her, and let it be known that I would deal with him as (I feel) any man should, if our paths ever crossed. Being a chickensh*t, he made sure that didn't happen, and has since moved away. I'm not a tough guy and would not be considered a fighter, but it certainly would be carried out any way possible; a folding chair, bottle, or just my bare fists.

 

It's up to karma now, but I fully trust in its ability to deliver justice...no doubt better than I ever could. Bad people sleep with married people.

[D-Lish]

Bad people sleep with married people.

 

What about married people that sleep around?

[Steadfast]

Yes, of course, but think about it; if someone's not married, it's simply fornication.

[boomboom63]

in my case W's MM was one of my closest friends. So when it was all being kept secret I blamed them both - now that my W spilled the beans to me I hold her responsible for her part in it and MM has his part too.

[cookie2]

I blame W much more than I blame OM. He is a single guy, he made no promises to me, in fact I expect him to hit on anything in a skirt. My wife said her wedding vows. It is her responsibility to tell him to f*** off but she didn't.

 

That doesn't stop me wanting to rip OM's balls off, though. He claimed to be a friend; well I guess his true nature is revealed.

[mimidarlin]

I understood how my ex arrived at an emotionally vulnerable place. He was vulnerable to the temptation to cheat. It was due to the state of our marriage and how unhappy he was in it. The responsibility for that is on both of us.

 

However, the "choice" to cheat, that is all on him. He is not the man I thought he was if he found it so easy to do that. To go after a woman who is married with children and to not think about the consequences. Especially since they didn't have any real emotional ties to each other. They just were unhappy and didn't think they would get caught. He disrespected me and our marriage.

 

His response..."the last think I wanted to do was hurt you". Really was that the last thing? I don't believe you.

[TLCbear]

Why do most people blame the other woman for their husbands leaving them????

 

I do agree because I see this alot with women, they are more angrier at the OW than the person who vowed to them. Don't understand it either. However, I blame both parties and the husband would have the most blame. There are always options we have for every question, issue, or problem that enter our lives and we have the choice to choose. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, even if they don't want to adknowledge it.

 

 

 

If our men were happily married & in love with us then they wouldnt be tempted to go with the other woman,

 

That's a bunch of bull. Some people are just simply selfish and don't have a care in the world who they hurt. Some people are just cheaters. And eventhough one may not be happy in their marriage, you still have the choice to communicate with your partner and work on it. Being faithful is not about being happily married, it's about respect and self control. If he was sooo unhappily married, he could have at least had RESPECT enough to tell you this, tell you he wanted out, or something. And one more thing, maybe if alot of people stopped getting married for all the wrong reasons, maybe, just maybe, some of this would stop. Same thing goes for these OW helping them cheat.

[karnak]

And one more thing, maybe if alot of people stopped getting married for all the wrong reasons, maybe, just maybe, some of this would stop.

 

AMEN, bro.

 

1 person marrying for the wrong reasons + 1 person marrying for the wrong reasons = FAIL

 

1 person in love + 1 person marrying for the wrong reasons = FAIL

 

1 person in love + 1 person in love = LOVE