20 year marriage - unhappy and want out, but scared.

[guest]

I am not happy. I've been married almos t20 years. I want to tell him to leave but I can't afford it. If he leaves I won't be able to afford the house and my invalid sister lives iwth me, and I have a bunch of dogs and cats. even if i had a regular job (i work temporary jobs because ican't find a perment one) i couldn't afford to keep my house and i lov emy house. I would have to get rid of my dogs and cats and try to find a place for my sister and I to live and I don't want to lose them--they are all that I still love int he world.

 

I also don't want to be alone. He does help a lot and he doesn't mind my sister living with us at all --she's no problem and does't interfere or require anything of him and she gives us $250 a month from her disability as rent and we need that. But I don't love him and havne't loved him in many years. We only have one car and its in bad shape--even together we can't afford another car now. we are house-poor and when he lost his good job a few years ago and our income was cut in half we had to file bankruptcy so we wouldn't lose the house. It will be very hard to buy even a small house with that on our credit and apartment rents are higher than what we are paying for our house. With the bankruptcy it will beimpossible to get a loan for acar -- especially since I don't have a regular job and am on umemployment at least 3 months out of every year. I couldn't afford a car payment now.

 

How do I get out of this marriage? I'm not looking for another man -- in fact I wouldn't date anyone anyway--I don't want to. I don't know if I should tell him I want a divorce now or just keep things the way they are. When your young its easy to say "let go" and find happiness somewhere else, but at my age it just doesn't seem like a very good idea. I don't think I would be any happier without him as apposed to being with him, I don't think I would be any unhappier either.

 

I guess I've answerd my own question. Stick with the known even if its not much. but, Maybe I could try to find a roommate who would pay enough each month to keep the house? They would have their own bedroom and bathroom and I can even give them a separate den. But my pets would have to accept him or her. How can I find someone I would trust? Some of my animals need some special care and they need to be kept separate. I'm not asking someone to tellme what to do, but I'd like to hear you ropinions on what you think you would do. It might help me make up my mind. Thank you.

[SoleMate]

I wouldn't advise anyone to break up until I knew more about the reasons why. I understand money is tight, but you may be able to find a counsellor who will take your insurance or work for a reduced fee. You might be able to rekindle some positive feelings.

 

Given your dependents (sister and pets), it makes a lot of sense to stay together for financial and practical reasons. But I would never recommend that someone lose a chance at happiness for this reason. Why not try to rebuild things between you and your husband? Does it seem impossible? Please check out <URL removed> and at least see if you think there is a chance.

 

While you do this, it might make sense to get a roommate just to improve cash flow and give you more flexibility for paying for counselling, or possibly making another change down the road.

 

Good luck, please keep posting so we can help.

[Satythere]

seemed like these wise people are at their wit's end to give you good advices. So dont make any moves if you can not financially support yourself.

 

Not all the marriages are based on Love. At least 95% married but unhappy couples stay together for financial reason.

[lisapisa]

Start looking for some free advice. Many lawyers will give you a consultation for free and they have lots of ideas, both personal and financial. Discuss your finances with a friendly banker at a small, local bank. Make an assessment of everything and figure out how you might be able to make it on your own. Do you have any relatives who might rent you a room or two rooms, a house, a small apartment on their property? If you and your husband divorced, might you both be able to afford a used, but nice, mobile home? If your sister in an invalid, is she receiving benefits from Social Security? I think you need to start being more aware of what's possible and what's not, so you can make some decisions. I'm sorry for this problem you are having.