Contemplating divorce...Am I making a mistake?

[OliveOyl]

21 att marriage. Im a Mormon. We consummated prior to marriage so I felt partially obliged to marry her.

 

Okay. You were very young, in my opinion, to get married. And a big reason why you got married is so you could feel free to continue your sexual relationship. While very understandable, given your religous/moral background, it's not a strong foundation for a marriage. It's very possible you really were not ready to be married, period.

 

It matters not that your wife is sweet and loving and "perfect." What matters is that she is perfect *for you.*

 

My suggestion is to go ahead with marriage counseling. It won't hurt (except maybe your pocketbook). You may not continue with the marriage anyway but you should learn as much as you can now, because history has a way of repeating itself. "Wherever you go, there you are."

 

Chances are, the fact that you have a "crush" is a sign that you rushed into marriage, not that the object of your crush is someone you are destined to be with.

 

And if you don't have any children yet, do not... I repeat DO NOT ... have children as an attempt to "repair the marriage" or "bring you closer." Go into counseling now while you have a chance to figure things out with as few stresses as possible.

 

Good Luck.

[BellaBellaBella]

You were not honest with your wife. You did not tell her your emotions are focused elsewhere. If you had relgious reasons for marrying, perhaps you should consult your relgion about crushing on other people. Perhaps you should consult your relgion about leaving your marriage.

 

I have a very strong reaction to your post. My DH and I have been married for years, bored or not, we gotta stir the pot.

[whichwayisup]

The MC would be expensive wouldn't it?

 

So what? If you want to work on your marriage, then you'll manage somehow. MC is affordable.

 

Also I am afraid the OW would come up at MC.

 

All the more reason for her to come up in conversation!!!

 

I don't want to tell her about the OW because it's embarassing and to an extent my wife would have the choice of divorce in her hands.

Atleast you're being honest here, I commend that as I'm sure admitting this wasn't easy to do.

 

It's so selfish of you. Marriage is TWO people, not just one. Sorry to be harsh but why do you get to make final decisons and exclude your wife from the process? She needs to know the facts, what she's up against so SHE can decide as well.

 

What exactly would an MC do that we cannot do?

 

Advise you, teach you how to communicate, and really listen to one another. To compromise .. To not give up because you're bored and maybe testing to see what else is out there. To live up to your marriage vows and do your best and not RUN and want a DIVORCE the second you feel abit of distance and not feel "inlove/lust" with your wife. Marriage is hard and there are times when even the most loving couples have issues and they argue, have rough times, want to throddle their spouses - MOST stick around and work through it.

 

It's nothing more than daydreaming about a crush and being single.

 

Then why not just tell your wife this? If NOTHING has happened between you and this OW (does the OW know you like her? Does she like you? Have you two talked about feelings or anything along those lines?) then DO tell your wife.

[MR2U]

for better or worse?

[just_some_guy]

21 att marriage. Im a Mormon. We consummated prior to marriage so I felt partially obliged to marry her.

 

Seek religious counseling. I don't know much about Mormon religious practice, but I do know that family seems to be very important. I would bet that if you ask your priest, he will be able to help you with counseling.

[2.50 a gallon]

Feeling guilty are we? That is good. It is a warning that you take you vows seriously. It tells me that you, like the rest of us, will be destroyed when you see your loving, perfect wife in the arms of another man and giving him all of the affection she was so freely shared with you only months previous.

 

Here is some advice, reread your first two paragraphs in your first post several times, so that it is branded on your brain.

 

Then spend this weekend reading the stories of the men on this board who have lost their wives. They would kill to be in your shoes.

 

Especially follow them back to their first posts so you can get a feel for what they have gone through, and also understand that they can only give you a glimpse of what they have experienced. Until you have been there, you will not realize that there are few in this world who can find the words to describe the hoplessness and despair that they have experiened.

 

Once you fall into that dark pit, you lose all faith, hope and trust. You are left wondering if you will ever be happy again. And here is the worst part, the one you need to trust and whose shoulder you need to cry on, your once best friend in your whole life, has become your worst enemy. There is little you can do but ride it out, by yourself. There is no one you can talk to

 

And I haven't mentioned the pain.

 

In another post you mention mourning the loss of a close relative, that is a yardstick you can measure pain by. All of those who have lost their spouse to separation will tell you that the pain experienced in the loss of a parent or a sibling, does not even come close to the pain you will experience when you lose you wife.

 

Follow the path you are on and you too will be in their shoes. You are going to break her heart and she will leave you.

 

I repeat almost all of the men on this board and hundreds of other men who are not on this board would do anything to be in your shoes. "Loving, perfect, affectinate wife" In time she will hook up with one of these men. If you haven't figured out what you have lost by that time, your world will come crashing down. And like humpty - dumpty, there will be nothing you can say, do or buy that will put it back together again.

[solitary_man]

21 att marriage. Im a Mormon. We consummated prior to marriage so I felt partially obliged to marry her.

 

correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't divorce mean excommunication from the mormon church?

[spriggig]

I'm probably the last person that be jumping on the high horse folks are riding through this thread, but I'm going to...

 

The thing about riding on a high horse is, you get a really good view.

[tojaz]

Feeling guilty are we? That is good. It is a warning that you take you vows seriously. It tells me that you, like the rest of us, will be destroyed when you see your loving, perfect wife in the arms of another man and giving him all of the affection she was so freely shared with you only months previous.

 

Here is some advice, reread your first two paragraphs in your first post several times, so that it is branded on your brain.

 

Then spend this weekend reading the stories of the men on this board who have lost their wives. They would kill to be in your shoes.

 

Especially follow them back to their first posts so you can get a feel for what they have gone through, and also understand that they can only give you a glimpse of what they have experienced. Until you have been there, you will not realize that there are few in this world who can find the words to describe the hoplessness and despair that they have experiened.

 

Once you fall into that dark pit, you lose all faith, hope and trust. You are left wondering if you will ever be happy again. And here is the worst part, the one you need to trust and whose shoulder you need to cry on, your once best friend in your whole life, has become your worst enemy. There is little you can do but ride it out, by yourself. There is no one you can talk to

 

And I haven't mentioned the pain.

 

In another post you mention mourning the loss of a close relative, that is a yardstick you can measure pain by. All of those who have lost their spouse to separation will tell you that the pain experienced in the loss of a parent or a sibling, does not even come close to the pain you will experience when you lose you wife.

 

Follow the path you are on and you too will be in their shoes. You are going to break her heart and she will leave you.

 

I repeat almost all of the men on this board and hundreds of other men who are not on this board would do anything to be in your shoes. "Loving, perfect, affectinate wife" In time she will hook up with one of these men. If you haven't figured out what you have lost by that time, your world will come crashing down. And like humpty - dumpty, there will be nothing you can say, do or buy that will put it back together again.

 

Very well said gallon, and very true. It is normal to have doubts at times, to wonder, and even to have a crush. Its how you deal with those doubts when the time comes that makes all the difference in the world. Its greener grass, pure and simple. I don't choose to move just because the grass is greener, its means much more to stay put and water and fertilize my own.

 

TOJAZ

[TaraMaiden]

correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't divorce mean excommunication from the mormon church?

 

no, it doesn't.

[stepka]

You know, jumping in late here, but I'm one of those people who gets crushes easily but have never followed up on them. Interestingly, after he left me and I was free to choose, I didn't find any of my crushes as fascinating as they were before my husband left. I realized that it was just because I was flattered by their attention and had little to do with what would really make a relationship work.

 

The first time I got a crush it really unsettled me and I felt like I had never loved my husband, when in fact I did. It made me doubt all of the feelings I had felt before but it was a transitory feeling. If at all possible, cut off all contact with your crush and I also advise MC, b/c you're a lot further into this than I ever was.