Wife sending dirty texts

[cookie2]

Hi,

Just want to get some opinions on what people think.

 

I got married to my wife last October, we had a great relationship for 3 years before that and for about 6 months after. But now things have started to go wrong. She says she doesn't feel connected to me any more, and feels more like my best friend than my lover. We don't have sex any more because when we try, she doesn't enjoy it. She has lost a lot of weight and says she has more confidence and wants to try more new things, which I am totally up for! But when we actually try something, it just doesn't work, whatever it is. We've been to a counsellor once, she said she wants to get back what we once had (but with more excitement) and start a family, which I was very happy to hear of course, it's exactly what I want too. We're going for more counselling, but we're currently in the queue for an appointment. In the meantime the stress has been getting to us both and she is going away this weekend to visit a spa and have a bit of pampering to relax. She'll be staying at her parent's tonight then at a friend's house from tomorrow until Tuesday (5 nights away in total).

 

We've both always been online gamers, in fact that is how we met. The people we play with are predominantly male of course, and use a voice chat to communicate and have a laugh while playing. I've never minded that she is quite flirty on there, after all I am the one she's married to, it's always just been a bit of harmless fun. Plus I am on there as well so she isn't hiding anything from me. But lately I've had a funny feeling so I checked her phone messages (yeah bad I know!)... I was not too amused by what I saw. She has been exchanging dirty messages with one guy. You guessed it, it's the "friend" she is going to stay with this weekend. It's just dirty talk, no actual plans to do anything real. I am of the opinion that this sexting constitutes cheating, because she has hidden it from me. As I said I've never minded her messing around in a group, saying rude things for a laugh, because it's all just a bit of fun. This is different in my opinion because it's "gone private". Though I'm sure if I confronted her she would say it's just messing around and not serious.

 

Now I know there is definitely a possibility that nothing is going on. She's always been flirty but has always been faithful to me and whenever infidelity has been discussed (her boss's wife had an affair) she's always disapproving and says she would talk to me and sort out our problems before doing anything like that. She's been upset a lot lately and in tears saying that she wants us to work out. But... I also know it could just be a smokescreen, or she could feel different when it actually is her involved.

 

My logical brain is telling me to keep quiet for now, wait til she gets home from her weekend away and check her phone again, gather more evidence and try to figure out if anything is actually going on before barging in with accusations. I want to show I trust her by letting her go this weekend, I think that is best for our long-term relationship. Despite all the things that have happened I do trust her, and if I hadn't snooped on her phone I would have no problem at all with her going away for the weekend.

 

On the other hand I could confront her about it tonight before she leaves, in my opinion she is already "busted" for inappropriate texts so she is already in some trouble. But if I do that, and she really is just having a bit of fun with nothing serious going to happen this weekend, then it could make things much worse between us. The up-side to confronting her now is that it might prevent it from going physical with this other guy, which would of course make things even worse... but if nothing has actually happened yet, then I can't really accuse her of anything apart from the texts can I?

[Art_Critic]

Dude..

She is sooooo going to bang the guy she has been sexting with and it will be this weekend when she stays there.

 

Friends don't sext message each other.. that is for people either getting ready to have sex or people having sex..

 

You do realize that she has kept this sexting and EA a secret ?

 

IMO.. Confront her about it and make sure she cancels the plans of seeing him..

then counseling you both go and talk it out...

[phineas]

A married woman is going to spend the night at a friends house who happens to be a guy during a point in your marriage where things are going to pot & she is sexting him?

 

I'm sorry, but you are so in denial.

She is going let this guy rail her.

 

trust me on this, I signed divorce papers last month because my wife had a secret "friend" she was sexting.

 

guess what? she was banging him.

 

You tell your wife you know what is going on with her & this guy & that the second she walks out that door to go see him you are in the car to the lawyer filing divorce.

 

Then you do it if she goes.

 

Do not argue with her.

Do not explain how you know.

Do not back down.

 

as someone who went through this I can honestly say once she is at the point of making up reason's & excuses to be away from you for multiple days so she can cheat the marriage is over & it's best to just get the process started so you can start moving on.

 

Be thankful you don't have kids with her yet.

 

hell, if you hadn't found this out I wouldn't be surprised if she let the other guy impregnate her then came home & wanted you to "impregnate" her.

 

It happened to a friend of mine.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm pro-marriage. The most satisfaction I get on this board is trying to help a husband fix his marriage, particularly when I see him doing the same dumb crap I used to do regularly, and still do on occasion.

 

But I'm also anti-doormat, and this is what you are rapidly shaping up to be. I would tell her that you're not an idiot, that you know exactly what's going on, and if she follows through with this trip you're not going to be around when she gets back.

 

Then go shock-and-awe on her ass. Cancel joint credit cards. Take half the funds out of any joint accounts and set up your own account. Pile her stuff in the front yard. And AFTER you've done this this, particularly the financial stuff, file for divorce. Oh, and expose the affair to friends and family. Affairs thrive in secret. Don't be an accomplice to her lies.

 

Then it will go one of two ways. She'll be angry as hell and the divorce will proceed. Fine. Or, she'll be angry as hell BUT realize that she's f*cking up and resolve to try to work on the marriage. Divorce proceedings can always be put on hold or withdrawn.

 

If you're afraid of what's going to happen, and you probably are, put it aside. Now's the time to put fear aside. You can't control outcomes. All you can do is act with integrity and decisiveness. What she's doing is wrong, and it's time she faced some consequences.

[mark982]

put a gps in her car, follow her azz. when u confront her at om's house hand her her things and the divorce papers.

[cookie2]

Thanks guys. Sometimes it takes someone saying it bluntly for the truth to sink in. You're all right, it is totally unacceptable and yes I am a bit of a doormat at times.

 

Tonight will not be a fun conversation (for her ).

[GorillaTheater]

Stay calm. She'll try to deflect from the subject, probably using one or both of: "You're crazy! He's just a friend! You need to get help!" or recounting in detail every screwed up thing, real or imagined, that you've pulled since the dawn of time. Maybe with a little "I WAS thinking about trying to work it out with you, but now just forget it!"

 

It's all Wayward Spouse script, and they all seem to read from the same one. Refuse to get sidetracked, and stick to the subject. Keep it short. Rehearse what you'll say. Run your script by us if you think it'll help. Like someone else mentioned, don't argue. Keep calm, refuse to be riled.

[stace79]

Glad to hear you are not taking this lying down. It doesn't matter if anything else happens; sending dirty texts to this guy is cheating enough.

 

Also, this is weird -- but my bf would never dream of asking to go spend a weekend with a girl alone. If it was a good friend of his, he might ask me to go with him. But he wouldn't go alone, and the same for me. I'm surprised you were okay with it to begin with.

[GorillaTheater]

One other thought. This was posted by someone else on another site, and he's dead-on:

 

"If I could turn back the clock I'd realize I had ONE shot at it and I'd have to do it right. She would get MY speech! I would have calmly presented her with the evidence I had. I would have had her bags packed in advance. I would have my cell phone out ready to call scumbag OM to come get her. I wouldnt have listened to her sh*t about finding herself and the OM is just a friend I'd have my speech prepared: "You cut off contact with the OM forever and commit to the marriage and IC. You're in or you're out. You make the decision NOW. you dont get to sleep on it, you dont get to phone a friend, you can't get back to me. In or out, right now"

 

If she was out, I'd give her her bags and call the OM to come get her. I'd inform her that I'll be calling MY OWN divorce lawyer the following morning. I'd calmly let her know that I'd be launching global thermal nuclear divorce warfare. OM would be dragged to court, the works. Then, I'd follow through with that. I'd let her know the consequences for choosing the OM. they would be grave and painful. Shock and awe guys. You must prepared to blow your marriage up. this is when you kill a fly with a sledge hammer."

[Binster]

Cookie just read your your first posting and thought god I wouldnt stand for that, but how would I handle it.

I have to say you have been given some very good advice here. Its going to be a hard evening for you, but take the advice thats been given.

Good luck mate. Let us know how it goes.

[cookie2]

Well I'm back again and still alive

 

I just walked in cool as hell, and told her I knew what was going on (even though I didn't know 100%). After a few denials she confessed it all, she has slept with him once before and this weekend was going to be a repeat performance. But she is really sorry and wants to end it, and just wants to sort it all out with me and forget about everyone else.

 

I was just about ready to maybe accept that (with time) and thinking we could get past this. But then we were discussing the OM, she said he is a really good friend who was helping her through our marriage problems, and she wants to stay friends with him. Of course I hit the roof at that, it was the final straw for me; she's off at her mother's now.

 

Thanks for the advice all. Shock and awe... I like it.

[GorillaTheater]

Man, I'm so sorry to hear that this affair is already in progress. You probably feel like you just took a beating.

 

You need to protect yourself, and that includes separating the finances like I suggested before (if you haven't already done it).

 

Hang in there, Cookie. You can handle this.

[BS76]

Hi,

Just want to get some opinions on what people think.

 

I got married to my wife last October, we had a great relationship for 3 years before that and for about 6 months after. But now things have started to go wrong. She says she doesn't feel connected to me any more, and feels more like my best friend than my lover. We don't have sex any more because when we try, she doesn't enjoy it. She has lost a lot of weight and says she has more confidence and wants to try more new things, which I am totally up for! But when we actually try something, it just doesn't work, whatever it is. We've been to a counsellor once, she said she wants to get back what we once had (but with more excitement) and start a family, which I was very happy to hear of course, it's exactly what I want too. We're going for more counselling, but we're currently in the queue for an appointment. In the meantime the stress has been getting to us both and she is going away this weekend to visit a spa and have a bit of pampering to relax. She'll be staying at her parent's tonight then at a friend's house from tomorrow until Tuesday (5 nights away in total).

 

We've both always been online gamers, in fact that is how we met. The people we play with are predominantly male of course, and use a voice chat to communicate and have a laugh while playing. I've never minded that she is quite flirty on there, after all I am the one she's married to, it's always just been a bit of harmless fun. Plus I am on there as well so she isn't hiding anything from me. But lately I've had a funny feeling so I checked her phone messages (yeah bad I know!)... I was not too amused by what I saw. She has been exchanging dirty messages with one guy. You guessed it, it's the "friend" she is going to stay with this weekend. It's just dirty talk, no actual plans to do anything real. I am of the opinion that this sexting constitutes cheating, because she has hidden it from me. As I said I've never minded her messing around in a group, saying rude things for a laugh, because it's all just a bit of fun. This is different in my opinion because it's "gone private". Though I'm sure if I confronted her she would say it's just messing around and not serious.

 

Now I know there is definitely a possibility that nothing is going on. She's always been flirty but has always been faithful to me and whenever infidelity has been discussed (her boss's wife had an affair) she's always disapproving and says she would talk to me and sort out our problems before doing anything like that. She's been upset a lot lately and in tears saying that she wants us to work out. But... I also know it could just be a smokescreen, or she could feel different when it actually is her involved.

 

My logical brain is telling me to keep quiet for now, wait til she gets home from her weekend away and check her phone again, gather more evidence and try to figure out if anything is actually going on before barging in with accusations. I want to show I trust her by letting her go this weekend, I think that is best for our long-term relationship. Despite all the things that have happened I do trust her, and if I hadn't snooped on her phone I would have no problem at all with her going away for the weekend.

 

On the other hand I could confront her about it tonight before she leaves, in my opinion she is already "busted" for inappropriate texts so she is already in some trouble. But if I do that, and she really is just having a bit of fun with nothing serious going to happen this weekend, then it could make things much worse between us. The up-side to confronting her now is that it might prevent it from going physical with this other guy, which would of course make things even worse... but if nothing has actually happened yet, then I can't really accuse her of anything apart from the texts can I?

 

 

Time for some tough love....

 

Dude, it's over. She's cheating on you with the other guy. It probably all started with her losing the weight, which caused her to get all sorts of newfound male attention she wasn't used to. The ego swells and they want to act on it. This sort of thing happens all the time, particularly when women get boob jobs or drop massivie amounts of weight.

 

Bottom line, you're deluding yourself into thinking it's just possible she's flirty when in reality it's more likely they're having fun alright, just in the bedroom.

 

 

EDIT

Just read the follow-up. Take care of business dude!

Edited July 22, 2010 by BS76

[Bryanp]

Your wife actually said that the OM was helping her with her marriage problems? He did this by having sex with her behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's? Your wife believes he was going to help her marriage again this weekend by sleeping with her again? She tells you he is a really good friend and she wants to remain friends with him? There is only one answer for this and that is to go and see an attorney. YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR 9 MONTHS! Save yourself heartache and find someone in the future who respects marriage and a commitment. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[cookie2]

Luckily I am already well protected financially. We never got round to getting a joint account, and the house and mortgage are solely in my name from before we met. I even made sure I bought all the appliances like the washing machine - my last GF tried to take them all with her because her name was on the receipt, HA! The only thing I need to do is remove her as an additional cardholder on my credit card. Even her car is in my name because I put down most of the money. If I do declare thermonuclear divorce warfare (I can't file for divorce within a year in the UK though, right?), she will leave with nothing except a huge pile of clothes and skin creams.

 

Actually the money thing is what first tipped me off that something was wrong. She usually paid what's left of her salary into my account at the end of each month, but she didn't for the last few months. That rang alarm bells for me. I guess it's quite a common sign; women like to make a safety net when they are thinking of flying the nest.

[Jilly Bean]

she will leave with nothing except a huge pile of clothes and skin creams.

 

That was funny. (Though I'm NOT making light of your situation at all).

 

Wow. What a story. Good thing you investigated, trusted your gut, confronted her, and got some kind of truth.

 

I would call your credit company immediately and get her removed.

 

Is she driving the car right now? You could always report it as stolen, and have her arrested for taking it. Even though you're married, you own it, and can authorize who has legal access to it.

 

I would put her clothes and creams in trash bags (would seem fitting), call her at Mom's, tell her to return YOUR car by tomorrow morning, or else you will report it stolen, and she can pick up her personal belongings, which will be on the front porch.

 

I'd also change the locks, PRONTO. Even though you own everything, she could come in and clean you out.

 

And I'm really sorry for this. You sound like a sweet guy, and she's a dirty, lying ho-bag.

[lostsunsets]

Cancel her card, drive to her moms and chuck her stuff on her porch. What a skank. Dump her.

[collegeguy_24]

Dude, I would like to start off by saying how sorry you have to go through that. That situation is actually my greatest fear in life, but you handled it real well considering the circumstances. You have earned my respect for how you handled it.

[Iconoclast]

And for god sakes, expose the hell out of this before she starts making you the perpetrator and not the victim. She has probably already started. Get busy now.

 

..to add, a good reason why, is because it will work in your favor, whether you choose to forgive her, or leave her. It's a win win.

Edited July 23, 2010 by Iconoclast

[Binster]

Sorry for your grief mate. I am glad you you acted fast though intead of dithering. once again I have no advice, its all being given to you by everyone else and it's good advice as your finding out.

Just one thing about divorce etc go f***ing thermo.

Good luck .

[phineas]

 

I was just about ready to maybe accept that (with time) and thinking we could get past this. But then we were discussing the OM, she said he is a really good friend who was helping her through our marriage problems, and she wants to stay friends with him. Of course I hit the roof at that, it was the final straw for me; she's off at her mother's now.

 

Thanks for the advice all. Shock and awe... I like it.

 

Yeah STBXW said same thing about OM in MC & the councilor told her very plainly a "good friend" would not interfere in her marriage. She didn't like that.

This was when she denied sleeping with him & decided to claim an emotional affair when the MC fed that term to her.

 

She refused to stop being "friends" with him. And that was when I realized she was in love with him & the marriage was over.

 

Took me two months of separation before I managed to pull the trigger.

But then, she was screwing me silly those two months.

Like almost every day.

A very manipulative woman I married.

 

Good on you OP.

 

don't let her near your pelvic region. She will use sex as a stalling tactic to get HER ducks all in a row.

[cookie2]

Ha so I finally decided to man up and told her it's all over. Thermonuclear here we come. And damn it feels good - is that wrong?!

 

Unfortunately can't get a divorce until a year of marriage. Strange UK laws. But on that 1st anniversary I guarantee I will be waiting on the solicitor's doorstep!!!

 

Thanks again for all the kind (and harsh) words that I needed to hear.

[mark982]

hell no, it's not wrong what you're doing. wanna play,gotta pay. sounds like she "had" the good life with you and threw it all away for alittle fun.

[Green]

Dude you didn't even have to look at her phone or confront her. The fact that she openly told you she was going to spend the night at mans "friends" house would be enough to me.

 

Unless you learn from your mistakes this will happen again. Good luck with the divorce you are making the right decision there.

[BellaBellaBella]

can you get an annulment instead of a D?