During SEX, BF HAS FANTASIES about OTHER WOMEN- My Friends, his Exes

[InquisitiveK]

My boyfriend (of over a year) and I were talking last night, and it came out that

 

 

HE FANTASIZES about OTHER WOMEN during sex... women he knows, even my fame friends.

 

 

When we make love, I'm thinking only about him so this really upset me. To me it feels almost like cheating. One step closer, anyway. I'm comfortable with (his/our) looking at porn, but I don't carry this into reality (by acting on it, or visualizing myself with someone else while he's touching me). When I make love with him, I think only of him and us!

 

 

He said that when he fantasizes (about real women, even my friends), having sex with me is masturbation for wanting/visualizing those other women.

 

 

I'm really hurt. Do You Understand Him? HELP!

[NEONINK]

Fantasies are supposed to be kept within the fantasizer. Have some of your own, and stop talking about them.

 

Most people do it. I do.

[jmargel]

Hiya,

 

As a guy, some of the things my fiancee has done has 'reminded' me of some people I've had sex with in the past. But I don't think about them when i'm with her. I don't think of them in a sexual way at all. What he's doing is very disrespectful, and telling you like that is just plain wrong. It shows he desires them in a way he shouldnt, if he's going to be with you.

 

Unfortunetly you can't control his thoughts. You could talk to him all you want, and he could say he's not thinking about them anymore but you truly won't ever know.

 

You have every right to be hurt, I would be for sure. I don't know if I could be in a relationship with someone who's did that. I'm guessing he doesn't respect you in alot of other ways as well. What did he say when you told him how it felt?

[ladyangel]

I think it's common but not something that people usually admit to their lovers. That's just tacky.

[EnigmaXOXO]

This is very common, among both men AND women. But telling you "who" he was fantasizing about wasn't the brightest thing he could have done. It's the equivalent of shouting out someone else's name during sex!!

 

Some people actually consider it a "turn-on" to know their partner's fantasies, but obviously you have to be careful of how much you reveal. Some of us don't appreciate knowing that our partner wants to boink someone at work or one of our close friends. 'Real' people in our own social circles present a much bigger threat to our relationship than that porn star on TV because they're more accessible.

 

Too close for comfort!!

 

I don't know what to tell you that would make you feel better. I probably would have b*tch-slapped him, myself. I only hope this seed of doubt he planted in your head doesn't spoil your relationship for good. If so, he’s got only himself to blame.

 

What an idiot!

[doniker]

I constantly fantasize about other women and pretty much everytime I have sex with my wife.

 

My wife weighs over 300 pounds and her body doesn't turn me on.

 

I close me eyes and think of a hot chick, any chick.

 

I have had sex with about 75 women in my lifetime and the bottom line is it basically all feels the same.

 

---

 

My wife's first husband died 18 years ago. He and my wife were very much in love. I know she still thinks about him and maybe she does during sex with me. Who cares....I can't control her thoughts.

 

You can't control anybody else's thoughts.

[FreeMe]

I hope I misunderstood - - but if he said sex with you is like masturbating then he is a sick, selfish, mean jerk and you should dump him.

[UCFKevin]

Good GOD.

 

How the hell was this brought up?

 

The guy's a complete MORON for actually telling you that. I myself do the same thing he does, but I'd never TELL the person I'm with that I'm thinking of anyone other than her. Yeah, it's lying in a way, but it's the kind of lie that needs to be done.

 

Jesus.

 

I'm stunned with what some people say sometimes.

[doniker]

the guy tells the truth about how he feels and what he thinks and he is condemned....wow.

 

I admit he was stupid for saying what he did, he will never hear the end of it.

[Bubbles]

InquisitiveK,

 

I was in a 7 year relationship with a disgusting dirty perverted pig like this guy. I am sorry to insult your boyfriend this way and I don't even know him but........ I allowed my ex-boyfriend certain freedoms. I was tollerant of his fantasies and guess what happened to me? I got SICK of it and of HIM! I felt like I was the ugliest woman on the planet!

 

He fantasized about three-somes, about other women, about MY friends, about the girl he placed an order with at McDonalds! and it goes on and on and on and on..........Men like this are just grown up little boys who refuse to keeps their hands off their peckers. They are the little boys who were scolded by their mothers yet never listened and learned to control themselves.

 

This is NOT a healthy relationship, no matter how hard you try he WILL NOT CHANGE, he will NEVER stop. I*f you think it hurts now? Just wait........it does not get any better and now that he has discussed it with you out loud....in his mind you will be accepting of it because you know now.

 

Don't be fooled! You CAN do better!

 

Bubbles

[jmargel]

I'm sorry but if you have to resort to thinking about someone else why you are making love, or having sex with your mate then something is truly wrong with your relationship. Especially if you think about an ex, there are SERIOUS problems with that. That's not only disrespectful but in my eyes the same as cheating on someone. You are just using your mate's body why you try to fulfill a desire to be with someone else. That's one of the most selfish things you can do to someone. Not only have you been compared to his ex's, etc.. he's telling you he would rather have sex with them, by doing this.

[doniker]

Yes I have selfish desires. I desire a sexy women to make love too.

 

But I don't have that. I have a wife that got fat. We have a daughter to raise. I love my child and I am not going to dump my wife and crush my daughter's little world as she knows it for my desires. That would truly be selfish.

 

So I will fantasize, masturbate and do whatever it takes to cope.

 

Call me wrong jmargel....live my life then we can talk.

[FreeMe]

Doniker --- I can sympathize with your situation - I can understand that you see what you're doing as coping and survival - but InquisitiveK isn't married to the guy. There doesn't seem to be children involved in the relationship. If he considers sex with her like masturbation while he fantasizes about everyone other than her, then he shouldn't be with her. There is something very wrong with that.

[morrigan]

Everyone fantasizes, but some fantasies are best kept quiet, especially if it hurts someone's feelings. He's getting way too graphic with all the details. You can tell him to keep his thoughts to himself, or else you're going to have to put up and shut up with his discussions..

[InquisitiveK]

Freeme: not only are we not married, but... from everything my boyfriend says (and honestly, me too- as a fit 23yo), I'm sexy and "very desireable," that he fantasizes about me a lot.

 

He says he wants the women he has fantasies about, but not in a real sense- that I'm all he wants. Why would be want to think about another woman's body WHILE we're making love if he's happy with me (as he claims to be)? I understand fantasies as healthy and natural, but not with your exes or women you know (it's too real). Why does he think about other women if not because he WANTS them (more)?

 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!

[InquisitiveK]

Freeme: not only are we not married, but... from everything my boyfriend says (and honestly, me too- as a fit 23yo), I'm sexy and "very desireable," that he fantasizes about me a lot. I also initiate, experiment, and get sensual easily (until now!)

 

He says he wants the women he has fantasies about, but not in a real sense- that I'm all he wants. Why would he want to think about another woman's body WHILE we're making love if he's happy with me (as he claims to be)?

 

I understand fantasies as healthy and natural, but not about your exes or women you know (it's too real). Why does he think about other women if not because he WANTS them (more)?

 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!

 

 

Thanks all, for your responses!

[doniker]

I fantasize about other women all the time but I don't want them. It's a fantasy and in reality I couldn't have them anyway.

 

I fantasize, cum, and get it out of my system.

 

In reality you are his woman.

[UCFKevin]

That's basically it.

 

Unfortunately, at this point, I'd say that you and he are more than likely over. You won't get passed this no matter how much you try. You'll never truly know if he's thinking of you or not.

 

JMargel, so are you saying you've NEVER thought about another person when you're with someone? EVER?

[meanon]

In my view he is guilty of the most appalling insensitivity and lack of judgement, loyalty and respect. For many people fantasies have to be about real people, fictional ones do nothing for them. I can understand you being upset that he does it while you are making love when all his attention should be on you. But it is still just a fantasy. Because you do not understand it, you are making it into more than that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset or that it's nor important but why make it into something it isn't?

[FreeMe]

I'm not sure I understand what he's saying either. I wonder if he does!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Inquisitive,

 

How long have the two of you been together? Chances are, your relationship has evolved beyond the initial "lust" stage. Fantasies don't mean your partner would prefer to be with someone else...it also doesn't mean he no longer finds you attractive or sexy. The images in his imagination are just different and perhaps it would surprise you to know that many people fantasize about sexual situations that they would actually NEVER participate in. For instance, many women fantasize about two women, but that doesn't mean that they are homosexual or would ever engage in such activity in 'real' time. It's the "taboo" facture and often those who play out those fantasies are disappointed with the results. After that, it's no longer a "fantasy"... and one must invent another scenario, or try something new. The problem is, it’s a downward spiral from there. After you've done it all, nothing is exciting or stimulating anymore.

 

Yes...some fantasies are just that, and are better off left to one's imagination.

 

However, I have to concur that your boyfriend committed a major relationship foul. He lacks the basic social graces and common sense and deserves to be removed from the gene pool before he reproduces. Perhaps you should just bury the shmuck with a bag of quick lye next to Bubble's last boyfriend! This way, no other poor gal will get stuck with him!!

[Bubbles]

Enigma,

 

I would gladly dig another hole for this character! There is NO way of changing how a person thinks. I know for certain that this poor gal is now going to think that every time he even kisses her......"who is he thinking about this time?" Poor kid. She needs to maintain her PRIDE and move on. It only gets worse. I know from 7 long years of personal experience. 7 long hurtful years.

 

Never again! - I will NEVER submit to anyone else's perversions ever again!

 

Bubbles

[Dug]

My ex-girlfriend told me that she has only ever had 2 boyfreinds, but later goes on to tell me about 15 one nighters with strangers. She had no boundaries....best friend's fiancee, any race or ethnic backround. She had even openly compared me to some of them while sharing a shower and my body parts durong sex that reminded her of certain guys. She didn't know all of their names, usually only hair color.

 

I commented one day that I wished I had a Corvette. Her comment was that they aren't too big, but she managed to have anal sex with a blonde stranger in one. Guess what I think about everytime see a vette ?? I told her I played the drums, and her response was that the last stranger she did played the drums, and was left handed.....and she really didn't want to do him , but his best friend didn't show up at the club, so he got it instead.

 

She made me sick and really hurt me , because she would only ever tell me to "get over it". She said it was just sex and it's what singles that go clubbing do. She thinks I should be able to trust her, even though she'd do a stranger in a grocery store parking lot.....yeah right. Don't any of you ever lower yourselves to this pitiful state. I had always maintained that a woman's body id the most sacred thing she can share with a man.

[FreeMe]

Dug,

 

Whether you're girlfriend having sex with men the way she has is smart I'm not going to comment on, but telling you about it the way she does is insensitive and I think even cruel. It sounds to me like there are layers upon layers of issues there and if you asked (which of course you didn't) I would say maybe you should reconsider being involved with her.

 

I had a very very bad relationship that started out exactly like that. That was almost 20 years ago and I am still struggling with self-esteem, jealousy, and insecurity issues to this day because of it. I'm not saying that relationship was the entire cause of those problems, but it did so much damage to me. Obviously it may not have that kind of effect on you at all, but it does sound like you're bothered by it, which is how it started with me.

[jmargel]

Kevin, No.. Not an ex or a close friend of mine that's a female. Yes, only when I was having sex that I had no feelings for. But with my fiancee, never.

 

The one night stands I had were just that. No feelings involved. When you love someone to me its totally different. I couldn't be with my girl if she was thinking about some other guy that was in her past while being with me sexually. To me that's just her using me.