During SEX, BF HAS FANTASIES about OTHER WOMEN- My Friends, his Exes

[Bubbles]

Do we ever get past this? I know that I have been soured from the experience. I think the only thing that could help me change my mind about perversions would be a very gentle attentive man.

 

I don't think I'm going to meet him to soon. Wish me luck guys.

 

Bubbles

[FreeMe]

Bubbles,

 

What I went through was a couple of years of psychological torture. I was very young when it started - 18 - and my boyfriend was 32. So the power distribution in the relationship was all on his side. I trusted him completely and he played a game with me that spun my head around for years. Well, now it's on straight and I realize everything he did and what it's done to me and it is a daily struggle to try to pull myself out of it.

 

I thought I found someone in the past year who was totally devoted to me and loved me and I thought I could finally see a future without those fears and doubts and jealousies. But it's not working out that way now. Partly because of all of my insecurities and partly because he's just not as understanding and devoted as I thought he was. So right now I'm struggling as much as ever with these same damn things that have plagued me all these years.

[Bubbles]

You know what I wish? Do you know the saying - an eye for an eye? That's what I wish I could do. I wish I could inflict on him how he made me feel, I wish I could hurt him as badly as I feel. Don't get me wrong here, I don't walk around all day and night thinking about this but when I think that I'm actually interested in some-one....everything surfaces again.......I guess I just need more time to go by - it's been a year and a half since the break-up.

 

I have to trust myself first before I can trust anyone else. I have to beleive that I will not inflict my insecurity on any-one that I choose to have a relationship with. This is NOT an easy thing to do.

 

Bubbles

[SoleMate]

I fantasize about other men, even during sex. Sometimes they are real individuals, but usually they are some generic male or a character from a movie. And I fantasize about sex acts that I would never perform IRL. Often this is the best way for me to get aroused quickly.

 

Fantasies bring variety to sex. There are other ways to bring variety to sex, of course. I'm interested to see the negative reaction so many people have towards fantasizing during sex - that it interferes with the expression of love. Anyone care to compare

 

* fantasies about other people (real or pretend) while making it with your SO

 

to

 

* fantasies about other people (real or pretend), assisted by pictures or videos, while making it solo

 

I actually have always felt that the FIRST option was more acceptable in my relationship than the second. Because at least our bodies and parts of our minds are getting close.

[Benedict]

Geez! What are we here? The Thought Police? No way can anyone ever hope to control what another person thinks! It's hard enough to control your own thoughts! Look at the thread about beating up the OW/OM. Some of us sure think about it, but we'd never do it.

 

Also, think about this: Nobody was there for the whole conversation. I have had conversations where my ex-wife tried to figuratively beat my fantasies out of me. I had enough sense to keep it mostly to myself. It was relentless. I was asked about all kinds of our friends and coworkers of mine.

 

My boyfriend (of over a year) and I were talking last night, and it came out that

HE FANTASIZES about OTHER WOMEN during sex... women he knows, even my fame friends.

 

This is all we know about the "conversation". While InquisitiveK's bf was not real smart to admit to those fantasies, I'll bet he didn't offer them up unsolicited...

[jmargel]

Originally posted by SoleMate

I fantasize about other men, even during sex. Sometimes they are real individuals, but usually they are some generic male or a character from a movie. And I fantasize about sex acts that I would never perform IRL. Often this is the best way for me to get aroused quickly.

 

Fantasies bring variety to sex. There are other ways to bring variety to sex, of course. I'm interested to see the negative reaction so many people have towards fantasizing during sex - that it interferes with the expression of love. Anyone care to compare

 

* fantasies about other people (real or pretend) while making it with your SO

 

to

 

* fantasies about other people (real or pretend), assisted by pictures or videos, while making it solo

 

I actually have always felt that the FIRST option was more acceptable in my relationship than the second. Because at least our bodies and parts of our minds are getting close.

 

Your bodies & minds are getting close? Umm excuse me, but that is SO far off! You are basically 'using' your SO's body for phsyical needs, while 'wishing' it was someone else.

 

At least the second 'option' you aren't using anybody. You have to satisfy yourself which IMO should be the case.

 

Why would I want to make love to someone while she imagining to be with someone else? Alot of other chicks out there that would actually 'enjoy' the person who they are with while making love to them.

 

I can understand if you are having sex with some stranger and missing someone who had a past with, but other than that to me is very disrespectful.

[FreeMe]

In my post, I was commenting on what Dug said, which wasn't really about fantasies but being told about every guy his girlfriend had ever been with along with gory details. And my story had more to do with that than fantasies, so I kind of took a turn from the original thread.

 

As far as the original post goes, I think that guy was stupid to say anything, but also that there is something wrong that he's fantasizing about other people whenever they have sex, and told his girl that the sex with her is like masturbating thinking of these other women. That's disgusting.

 

Bubbles, I am obviously long past wishing the guy who messed me up any harm, but I wish every day that I could go back and be smarter about it. At the time I didn't know anything so I just stood there bewildered watching those glaring red flags wave. I started thinking I was the problem. If I hadn't been so young and naive, I wouldn't have tolerated what he did for 1 week, let alone 2 years.

[Bubbles]

SoulMate,

 

Does your partner know you do this? I doubt it! Holy macaroni!

 

Hey jmargel - do you have a brother? If he's half as kind and sensitive as you are.....I'd be one lucky girl!

 

Bubbles

[jmargel]

Actually bubbles, I do He's 28, single & looking. Really nice guy too.. Looks like me in some ways. I see you are from Toronto? I could hook ya up.. We're from Pennsylvania, about 8 hours away.

[Bubbles]

jmargel,

 

Tee, hee, hee......thanks for a good try but I am way too old for him!

 

See that??? No luck, no luck at all!

 

Bubbles

[Mei]

Personally I would feel devestated if my partner told me he thought of other people while having sex with me. I kind of agree that it would be like using my body as a mastubation aide. A woman can use a vibrator while playing out fantasies in her head and a bloke can use his hands but I think there is something wrong with using a real person who you're supposed to care about.

 

Then there's the biggest hurdle! Everytime you would have sex you would be thinking 'who's he thinking about now?' Sex would no longer be enjoyable. You'd always think you were second in line which should never happen in a relationship.

 

jmargel - I agree with you. If you're with somebody you love you wouldn't be so disrespectful to them by putting them second to the person in your imagination.

I have never ever thought about another person while having sex with someone. Never. I have while masturbating but never with someone else. And you know what, it really isn't hard as it doesn't cross my mind at the time.

 

doniker - It seems by your posts that you do not love your wife anymore. I do not believe in staying with someone and being unhappy whatever the circumstances. My parents divorced when I was young and although there were difficult times I know that all our lives would have been much worse if they had stayed together. I feel very sorry for your wife. She deserves to be loved by someone as do you. I would seriously reconsider your options.

 

Dug - How awful for you! She sounds like a very loose woman. You know if someone truly loves you and respects you their sexual history shouldn't really matter. But she obviously doesn't repect you to do what she does. Comparing your body parts! Good gracious! She would be out of the door if I were you. You deserve better.

 

Benedict - I agree that there should never be any organisation called the thought police. They would be very bad for our health. I bet you are one of those guys that goes around saying 'nag nag nag!' about women. Every couple has conversations about their fantasies. And we usually share them, unless they're something that the other person finds offensive. Your wife probably either got the feeling you were hiding something and continued to try and get it out of you, wanted to know if you would do something like InquisitiveK's boyfriend does or was actually having a long conversation with you. I get really fed up hearing about people having long conversations with people and then telling either them or everyone else they're a nag. If you don't want to talk...don't!

 

And finally InquisitiveK - I feel really sorry for you. You see many men might have this fantasy and never tell their partners. We can't control or see what other people are thinking. What we go on is what our partners tell us and how much we trust them. I trust my partner when he tells me he's into me and I can be comfortable (if not a little curious) when we have sex. But the biggest problem for you is that you now know what he does. You will probably think about it everytime you have sex with him from now on and no amount of reassurance from him will change anything. I think you should think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with him. Maybe finding out is a good thing! Maybe it will encourage you to find someone that will really cherish you, even when you're having sex.

Good luck.

 

Well I certainly had a lot to say.

[SoleMate]

I asked my husband last night what he thought about it, and he said he thought it was fine, that he almost never did it himself, but that he thought if it was what I wanted, to go right ahead and not worry. He agreed with me that being close with bodies and parts of one's mind is much better than not being together.

 

And perhaps I should clarify - these thoughts are not pure escapism, but more just like "mental toys".

[Benedict]

Benedict ... I bet you are one of those guys that goes around saying 'nag nag nag!' about women. Every couple has conversations about their fantasies. And we usually share them, unless they're something that the other person finds offensive. Your wife probably either got the feeling you were hiding something and continued to try and get it out of you, wanted to know if you would do something like InquisitiveK's boyfriend does or was actually having a long conversation with you. I get really fed up hearing about people having long conversations with people and then telling either them or everyone else they're a nag. If you don't want to talk...don't!

 

Sorry, Mei - you'd lose that bet. I am not an eye-rolling, bitching husband. Yes, I have had many conversations about fantasies - but, obviously, nothing that would ever offend, insult or otherwise hurt my wife.

 

Yeah, she probably did think I was hiding something. Know why? Because she was f*cking around on me for years - with multiple guys. She had been getting away with it, and was sure that I was. Know what? I don't do that. I am simply not wired that way. See, the way it works is the untrustworthy one is always also the accusing one - and that was the tone our conversation.

 

My point was that I bet InquisitiveK probably pried that out of him, but hey! I could be wrong! Nowhere did I accuse anyone of being a nag. It is a mistake to think we can control what anyone else thinks.

 

I really get fed up by people who make snap judgements about others, while knowing nothing of them. Read a few of my posts, Mei - there are enough of them around here - and then maybe you might know more than nothing about me...

[Bubbles]

I guess I'm the lucky one! I was looking for my name to be added into Mei's commentary........but nope I was not there!

 

Tee, hee, hee.......lucky me! (she obviously agrees with me)

 

Bubbles

[s.elizabeth]

I'm new here so am hesitant to give advice.

 

However, I think Inquisitive is insecure because she doesn't know if her if these fantasies are his way of saying he wants out, or - on the other hand - if he feels safe enough with her to be able to admit he can't connect completely yet - but really wants to. And maybe, in fact, she is really the only one he can be so open with.

 

I've thought *alot* about the fantasy during sex issue because in my therapy I had to come to terms with feelings I still had about my ex which had gotten buried. I didn't *fantasize* about him consciously - what used to happen was that after sex with my husband, tears would spring to my eyes and I would feel very sad. And I never understood why until the therapy. Long story but finally I have accepted the previous loss and now don't feel haunted when I am close physically with my husband.

 

I guess what I am saying is that there's fantasy - which is a temporary distraction, like a particularily loud mosquito - and then, there's having *serious* feelings for someone else. It doesn't sound to me like Inquisitive's bf has serious feelings for any of these women.

 

I'm just reading this book called "Sacred Bedroom". It's all about creating a space in which to focus on your partner completely. Maybe Inquisitve if you greet him with a special bower of love for him to really focus on you, those bothersome images of other women will fade away in his mind.

[jmargel]

Maybe Inquisitve if you greet him with a special bower of love for him to really focus on you, those bothersome images of other women will fade away in his mind.

 

Why should SHE have to do this just to have him stop disrespecting her? Ya know there is a time where you need to understand your mate's point of view, and then there's a time where you are just rolling over on your back not willing to stand up & confront the person.

 

I'm sorry but he is just using her as a sex-toy when he has sex with her & thinks of someone else. If he wants to think about another chick while w/ her, then she needs to ditch him & find some guy who would actually think and care about the woman he's actually with.

 

And just because you are with someone 2 months or 20 years. It still doesn't make any difference. The amount of time in a relationship with someone doesn't mean anything in this situation.

[Bubbles]

I tend to agree with jmargel on this one. This guy is a born looser! or she is just silly for staying with him.

 

I would never want to compete with my s/o fantasies and if I knew for a fact that my s/o was fantasising about other women when he is getting jiggie jiggie from me? There would be hell to pay! He has a lot of nerve spewing all his crap onto her! He is the one with the issues. He needs to learn respect and he needs to learn fast if he plans on keeping InquisitiveK in his life. Hopefully she does not stick around for 7 years only to learn that not only were you tolerant of his fantasies.......she got screwed around on. One is only a mere stepping stone for the other.

 

Bubbles

[fragileone]

I think the best thing you can tell yourself is not to worry if he's thinking about someone else while he's making love to you...she's not enjoying the fruits of his labor, YOU are!

[jmargel]

Sorry fragileone, I don't agree with that. I can't be making love to my mate, looking in her eyes and thinking about someone else. That's just very selfish, which is a result of their personality.

[Bubbles]

jmargel,

 

I wonder if fragilone has actually gone through this to fully understand what they are suggesting that inquisitivek do? I don't think so......what do you think?

 

Bubbles

[moimeme]

Facts are that a fairly significant percentage of people do fantasize while having sex. I don't and some of us don't - and others do.

 

I think that this guy was a twit for telling what and whom he was thinking about and for calling her a masturbation aide; he's clearly a sandwich or two short of a picnic.

 

For a few articles about fantasies and sex:

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/sex/enjsex_fantasy.shtml

 

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0633.html

 

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/hotsex/fantasies.html

[jmargel]

No, I don't think she has. When I was with my ex-fiancee she was my first. I was her 6th. I was 21 and she was 18, but I loved her. And I still remember to this day we were doing this one position and I was still new to it all. She got upset because I wasn't doing it to her standards. She then said 'Well rich did it great this way, why can't you?'.

 

I just stopped and walked away. Til this day I haven't forgotten that and it's always been a burden in my mind when I was with her. Ex's are a past for a reason. There should be NO comparing your love with anyone else. It's just wrong in so many ways. Remember sex is physical, but making love is emotional & mental.

[Mei]

Benedict

I haven't been around to respond to your post so I hope it's not too late.

I want to apologise for calling you a nag, it was a bit off the cuff as I did not realise the full extent of the conversation you had with your wife.

I didn't know she had cheated on you many times and that the conversation had an accusatory tone rather than an inquisitive tone.

I still stand by what I said though.

So many men say their partners are nags. Women talk and ask questions. If you don't want to talk then fine but don't have a conversation walk away and then call her a nag.

Maybe next time Benedict you could tell her why you don't want to talk about that kind of subject, because she cheated on you. It might shut her up some.

Mei

[Mei]

Ha ha!

Benedict I just realised I said

 

'I want to apologise for calling you a nag'

 

in my previous post. I meant to say

I want to apologise for accusing you of calling others a nag.

 

Just to clear that up. Sometimes I leave my sanity somewhere else and forget where I've put it.

But not often.

[erika]

Yeah-

 

I have been w/ my BF in a domestic relationship for 3 years, and every to every other time he is ALWAYS bringing up people I know, and how in his fantasy he wants me to do them. I know there is a "somewhat healthy" amount to that, but NOT ALL THE TIME! Right??

 

I mean if we visit these people (women) from time to time, he wants to immediately have sex ... and start talking about about them in fantasy ... I am getting tired of it.

 

We are faithful to each other...I have never dealt with issue so much in my b4 in a longterm relationship.

 

Any advice? Thanks!