Fearing stalkerish guys.

[NotKelly]

Ever since I was a teenager, I have had problems with unwanted attention from guys I didn't want attention from. I used to be shy and quiet (less so, now, but I'm not a social butterfly) and somehow, for some guys that seemed to be their signal to pounce on me and follow me around in ways that I felt very uncomfortable with. I don't want to be mean and say these guys were socially inept loners (cause there's nothing wrong with being a loner), but that's what it felt like to me. I felt like I was a magnet for these guys somehow.

 

I have had multiple experiences with guys I've just met, *touching* me inappropriately in ways that felt creepy and weird and stalkerish. My freshman year in college, I struck up a conversation with some guy in my class (very casual) and the next day he was at my dorm room, standing in the door, and touching my hair after he asked to borrow a book. It was so incredibly creepy and I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't strike up another conversation with a guy at school for another two years, that's how creeped out I was.

 

Something like this happened again with a guy I worked with and only talked to very casually every day. He started following me around campus for weeks, despite my trying to never do anything to encourage him. It got to the point where I would just give him simple yes and no answers when he talked to me. I even considered quitting the job just to get away from him. When he finally figured out I wasn't interested, he got very pissed off and refused to ever speak to me again (which relieved me greatly).

 

A couple years ago (and here I thought this would never happen again, being an adult and all), I went to a retirement party for a co-worker and happened to be sitting at the same table with another guy at the company I had never met. Casual, non flirty conversation, with other people involved. Then this guy touched me very weirdly at this party before he left - very much invading personal space (trust me, it was not normal in any way) - and I was just flabbergasted, again. What had I done to cause this? Even more alarmingly, after this he seemed to go out of his way to try and find me at my desk. It's been going on and off for years with him making a special point to say hi to me in a weirdly overlong, too-interested way, and every time I see him, I get more and more creeped out by my memory of that personal space invasion. I barely make eye contact with him when I see him and do everything I can to discourage further conversation. But somehow that just seems to make him keep paying attention to me.

 

Why me?

 

I realize I'm having trouble getting over past memories of feeling cornered by men who seem to feel I'm an "easy target" (all these guys seemed to be socially awkward but very persistent). They probably see me sitting there all quiet and think they stand a chance, but... once they invade my personal space, I'm sorry, THEY DON'T stand a chance, and never will. Yes, it's a "thing" with me, I'm sorry. I wish I was able to recover from my shock at having my personal space invaded like that and tell them off quickly, because it would nip these situations in the bud, I think.

 

Aside from being more assertive about telling guys to keep their hands off me (it's hard, because I can tell they're extremely shy and maybe socially inexperienced themselves - and it's very hard to say "Stop touching me" in a room full of other people, too), what can I do to get over my mistrust of meeting new guys? In the back of my mind, due to my early experiences, I'm always afraid I'm going to wind up with a stalker type guy who can't read my signals or may not even listen to "no." Any other women out there struggling with this problem? Is the only solution to act like a total, tight-lipped bitch and never talk to guys casually at all, under any circumstances?

 

Guys, if you're reading... do you have any advice for me? I really don't want to be a cold bitch. I just want to not have this sort of experience again. (Because the situation keeps repeating, I must assume I am doing something to continue the cycle, not just the other person.)

[TheLoneSock]

Based on your liberal application of the title 'stalker' I think you have a misunderstanding of what a stalker is.

 

Jennifer Aniston has a stalker. What you have are guys who make inappropriate physical contact. There is a difference.

[carhill]

Tell us about the men you *do* find attractive invading your space. How does that go? Any difference, outside of the difference in how you feel?

 

You likely are sending out signals which this 'class' of man finds attractive and feels comfortable enough to approach you.

 

Next time you go out in public, take a 'b!tch' girlfriend with you and have her observe. Maybe she can give you some advice.

 

I have noted, generally, that women I've known who have few or no female friends tend to send out these signals which cause men to orbit. I don't know why that is, but it sure seems consistent.

 

Myself, having been a 'target' for women emotionally, I've found that being more proactive, socially gregarious and engaging, along with having stronger *male* friendships, seems to have solved most of the 'friend-seeking' behaviors I endured prior. Either that or I became a b!tch too

[Green]

You strike me as a real victim mentality type of person. Seriously your stories don't strike me as anything to crazy.

 

Yes their are weird awkward people out ther I suggest you just get over it and stop worrying.

[Cracker Jack]

Yeah, for some shy men, the woman that usually sits alone seems to be the only one they want to approach, since they believe the more quiet a woman is, the more easier it'll be to get her.

 

You're normal, tho--you just don't want someone to keep following you around. I believe that you shouldn't look at every guy who has an interest in you as creepy. If you do that, you'll continue to focus on your bad experiences when a man shows interest, and you'll grow even more reluctant towards men; believing they're also stalking you. The situations you mentioned are understandable, but some of those could be due to over-analyzing, too.

[TheLoneSock]

Maybe the OP should bottle up this aura she has going and sell it to the many women who constantly question why they don't get very much attention from guys.

[Enchanted Girl]

Ignore TheLoneSock and Green. They're being jerks and judgmental. There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with men treating you certain ways. You're a person and you have a say in how you should be treated.

 

This is what I think . . . .

 

Is there a way to make these men stop doing these things without confronting them about it?

 

NO.

 

Men aren't mind readers and they shouldn't be expected to be mind readers. They also don't have fragile egos. Guys are very direct and hardly ever tone down what they want to say (even if it's mean) to other guys.

 

Like, last night, my boyfriend's friend told him that he hated him until two weeks ago. My boyfriend had been friends with this guy and hanging out with him for a year. It was mean, but he was honest.

 

They can take it if you reject them. In fact, if they ARE socially awkward, you're doing them a favor because you're teaching them how women like to be treated and touched, so they don't make the same mistake in the future.

 

Yes, some of them may get mad, but they'll get over it.

 

You will be treated the way you demand to be treated. If you let men touch you in ways that you don't want to be touched, they will. They're not going to stop until you confront them either.

[TheLoneSock]

Ignore TheLoneSock and Green. They're being jerks and judgmental.

 

Oh please, get off your high horse. Are you trying to incite an argument? Nothing I said was jerky or judgmental. Correcting the OP on what I think she's dealing with is helpful, as the difference between the two can mean whether or not she can get a restraining order. Misconstrue things much EG?

[Enchanted Girl]

Oh please, get off your high horse. Are you trying to incite an argument? Nothing I said was jerky or judgmental. Correcting the OP on what I think she's dealing with is helpful, as the difference between the two can mean whether or not she can get a restraining order. Misconstrue things much EG?

 

Most people don't mention semantics unless they are trying to make fun of or disagree with the person. If you can understand what they are basically trying to say without correcting them about it, then most people won't.

 

If you had put any advice at the end of your post (because you knew what she was asking advice for), I would know this was your only intention (because you were being helpful in other ways), to correct her about what stalking meant and to help her with her problem as well, but you didn't, so the disagreeing/making fun of someone seemed the more likely case here.

 

I can't say I live in your brain and it's easier to misinterpret people's intentions online, but that's why I said that I did. I do not "incite arguments", but I do stand up for people that I feel are being unfairly picked on.

[In_Repair]

At the expense of being labeled a "jerk", I would recommend some personal counseling to help you deal with your problems concerning this issue. A dude touched your hair in college, and then years later another guy "invaded" your personal space? You are over reacting. Lots.

 

Also, your question about why you attract a certain type of guy... it's because you are a certain type of girl. Any woman or man who sits there and asks themselves this question, as we all eventually do at some point in our lives, can rest assured that the answer is very simple. Something about you is weird enough that only weirdos are attracted to you.

 

I agree with EG about the part where she says you might actually be helping these guys become more socially acceptable by letting them know what is appropriate and what is not.... just like Green, and possibly TheLoneSock, were trying to do for you. It's not appropriate to label men as stalkers, which is a very serious thing, just because they touched your hair one time. It belittles and minimizes the experiences of women who have actually had to deal with real stalkers.

[spiderowl]

It seems the guys you met are touching you inappropriately. Some of them are just being forward and hoping you'll reciprocate, as in very eager and not realising how their actions might be interpreted. Others, it seems, are continuing to invade your space probably because you are not being firm with them. It sounds like you are scared of men and afraid to tell them you are not interested.

 

I had similar experiences to you and, like you, was amazed that men would behave like this. It is only recently that I've become able to look a man in the eye in public and actually smile. I knew before that if I did this, they would inevitably approach me and I would be afraid, not understanding what they wanted. There were circumstances in which I really was afraid and felt I could not walk in public in peace. I never dared to look upwards in case a man was trying to catch my eye. I'm not good-looking or anything so I can't understand why this happened either. I can only assume that although not beautiful, in some way I was attractive to strangers.

 

I have realised now that most of the men (not all) just wanted a chance to get to know me. If they see a woman they like and neither knows the other, how else can they get to know her? They have to choose between approaching or losing her altogether. For the woman though, it can be scary and intimidating to be hit on by strangers.

 

I went through a time when I was really scared of men approaching me because it seemed they always would, especially if (heaven forbid), they managed to catch my eye. Now that I'm older, they don't or they are more subtle. It could be that I'm ugly now, but I feel I do still get noticed, I just don't get this intimidating and sudden approach, except by the inevitable odd drunks. Older men are more graceful and just don't make the daring moves. I think that they are less driven by powerful hormones and less inclined to take the risk of rejection, although they would still describe themselves as interested in women and sex. Young men are afraid of rejection but their sex drive pushes them to take risks and approach women.

 

Instead of being afraid of men approaching, you might be better off assuming that they will and prepare yourself for dealing with it. What will you do? If you like them and the way they approach is tactful, friendly and decent, then there is nothing to stop you having a brief chat or maybe a coffee with them. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. They are not in charge. Decide for yourself whether they are the kind of person you'd like to get to know better. You don't have to go anywhere with them that you don't feel safe. If you don't like the look of them or their behaviour is not respectful, then be firm and say you're not interested and walk on. You have every right to do this. You shouldn't put up with people invading your space if you don't want them to. I don't think that young men, especially, realise that when they approach a woman they like the look of, it's a total surprise to her. It's like being pounced on out of the blue. Men can't understand why women react badly under those circumstances, but anyone would if they felt swooped on. There is much misunderstanding over this whole thing.

[Enchanted Girl]

Men can't understand why women react badly under those circumstances, but anyone would if they felt swooped on. There is much misunderstanding over this whole thing.

 

Yea, I think there was some people in this thread who were taking what the first poster said personally. It's not personal.

 

Heck, I'm the opposite of this. XD Men NEVER approach me. I suppose I could have told her to suck it up and appreciate what she's got because I never had it, but I didn't because that's not the way it works.

 

I think someone's personal space should be controlled by them and having your personal space invaded like that and feeling like you lost control over it can feel very scary, I understand, so I tried to give her advice about the only way she could handle it.

[2sunny]

speak your truth. tell men they shouldn't touch you without asking permission.

 

then - take a self defense class and become empowered by handling any situation that may ever come your way.

 

get past the fear by becoming educated in how to defend yourself - if need be. and speak up!

 

 

on a side note - have a friend give constructive criticism about what your body language tells others. you may be sending out all the wrong signals.

Edited July 25, 2010 by 2sunny

[In_Repair]

speak your truth. tell men they shouldn't touch you without asking permission.

 

then - take a self defense class and become empowered by handling any situation that may ever come your way.

 

get past the fear by becoming educated in how to defend yourself - if need be. and speak up!

 

 

on a side note - have a friend give constructive criticism about what your body language tells others. you may be sending out all the wrong signals.

 

Excellent advice.

 

I especially like the part about a self defense class. Not your average bull**** Karate or Judo class, and don't go down to the local MMA gym for training either. Go to a proper self defense class. Your basic walk-in type martial arts classes are useless, and as much as I love MMA fighting... it's still not real fighting. They aren't allowed to do certain things to their opponent, so they don't train around those things. These "things" that they don't train for, these are the things that will often get you out of danger the quickest in a real world conflict.

 

Having this power will give you confidence that you never thought you could muster.

[Odyssey]

OP, i think you confuse assertive as being aggressive (big difference). Assertive doesn't mean being a bitch all the time. But you do need to tell people to back off if they do cross the line (yes even in front of everyone).

 

"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance".

 

Hope your luck changes in your favour