noel2 Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 First I want to say hello to everyone on here. I am new as of today so please bear with me if I sound clumsy. I have been seeing a guy for a couple months and he is a MM of 16 years with 3 kids. I am starting to feeling very attached to him, yet at the same time I have a whole lot of doubt brewing in my mind. I guess I should mention that I had a year and a half affair with a MM a few years ago, so not only am I not new to this, I am confused as to how I am here once again. My MM is someone I've known for quite a few years, he was a regular customer at the place I work(ed), after I no longer worked there he contacted me and asked what happened to the business and where I'm now working. Anyway through many text's we started this affair (we've known we liked each other for quite awhile). Two months in now and today I started asking questions, such as "why have I not gotten any steamy late night text's if you're out of town?" His response was that his wife is with him, the conversation continued on until I finally said that I assumed he and his wife were unhappily married because he's seeing me, he said he was sorry that I thought that, said he isn't running from anything or unhappily married, he is just drawn to me, its not about his wife, but all about me. I'm so incredibly confused and feel so stupid to have assumed he is unhappy. My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) Because the man is a selfish, spoiled, entitled little boy who wants to play with ALL the toys in the toybox, as long as he can get away with it. He wants an affair, not to leave his wife. Most MM who cheat are simply looking for sex and fun on the side, not to get a divorce. The real question is why YOU continue to have affairs with MM? And why you don't immediately tell them to go play with some other toy - that you are not available? The answer to that is all about YOU, not the MM. Go read some threads in the OW/OM forum. It should be very enlightening for you. Edited July 23, 2010 by norajane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolalove Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 This is my first post, and I had to respond. To be honest with you, I was in the same situation except I was a MW seeing a single OM. I was happily married but extremely drawn to OM. I have always believed that no matter how happy you are in a marriage, the potential to fall for someone else is always there which is why it's so important to set boundaries and not give into temptation. Temptation is always there. It how you choose to deal with it. I didn't remain happily married. OM got most of my attention so I spent less time with H and would get easily irritated with my H. So I have a hard time believing your MM is truly happily married. If he is, then he may have the abilitity to not get too emotionally attached and he may just see you as a side dish...I guess it's called having your cake and eating it too. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 If he's a happily MM, then why is he with me? Because you didn't say no. Why didn't you say no, if you know how hurtful it is 2 you 2 be involved with someone else's husband? -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 "Drawn to you" means "I want to screw you." If you don't believe that, stop having sex with him and see if he keeps seeing you. You should believe him. It would be in his best interest to lie, tell you that he has feelings for you, his wife is so terrible, they never have sex, etc., to insure you keep having sex with him. But he didn't. BELIEVE HIM! I'm surprised you are so naive given this isn't your first affair. Don't you think you deserve a man who is free to love and commit to you? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Because you didn't say no. Why didn't you say no, if you know how hurtful it is 2 you 2 be involved with someone else's husband? -ol' 2long Exactly! He can't be with you unless you allow him to. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Iconoclast Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I am confused as to how I am here once again. I know. You are immoral, and you don't care about the pain of others. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I'm so incredibly confused and feel so stupid to have assumed he is unhappy. My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? I'm sorry that you are feeling confused about his statement. Seems you assumed he was unhappy, and probably made some calculations regarding the A based on that - given that its not your first time. I'm not intending to come off harshly, so I truly apologize if it seems that way. The fact that you were in an A previously really sticks out to me. Really makes it seem like you may be thinking that if you behave differently in this A, that things will turn out more in your favor. And that is why you assumed that he was unhappy. How did your first A turn out? Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 He isn't 'with you', he's with his wife; you're just a little hobby on the side. I, too, am surprised that, having been through this before, you're letting it into your life once again. Seems incredibly foolish to me. Do the right thing here: walk away. You'll only end up hurt and may not be the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 If he's a happily MM, then why is he with me? Because he's selfish and wants what he wants. Because you let him and are willing to settle for table scraps. Because he wants to have someone on the side to meet needs that his wife isn't meeting. Because he enjoys having two women to meet his needs - You on the side to provide something new and exciting in bed, to make HIM feel alive. DO NOT confuse that with him loving you, it's sex and lust and fantasy. End it and find a single man who will treat you with love, respect and most of all, not be a cheater and a liar. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I am confused as to how I am here once again. Maybe you didn't get burned, didn't suffer consquences, didn't learn any lessons. Didn't learn boundries and to stay away from MM. Or you have issues, insecurities, self esteem problems. I don't know, only you can answer that question. Link to post Share on other sites
lolalove Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Maybe you didn't get burned, didn't suffer consquences, didn't learn any lessons. Didn't learn boundries and to stay away from MM. Or you have issues, insecurities, self esteem problems. I don't know, only you can answer that question. That's what I was thinking. You must not have suffered much the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 ...he said he was sorry that I thought that, said he isn't running from anything or unhappily married, he is just drawn to me, its not about his wife, but all about me. LOL. It's so NOT "all about you." It's all about HIM. You provide excitement, ego boosts, sex and the thrill of having a naughty little secret that he gets to keep all to himself - and all while playing happy husband and daddy at home. He has no desire to change anything about his life. He just wants to selfishly add a little excitement to it. That's where you come in. If you're content providing a little entertainment for a bored married guy, then I guess it's all good. But if you're looking for respect and a more balanced relationship where you're actually getting something from it too, then this probably isn't for you. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowtucan Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Noel, Your thought process was similar to mine. My exMM had only been married 8 months when he began to pursue me. I fought his advances for awhile...but after having a break up with a long term boyfriend...it was nice to have his attention and I ended up with him for a few months. Anyways...I had the same thoughts as you..."He must be unhappy if he is looking outside his marriage..."....."He must not be satisfied at home if he is constantly after sex with me."....etc. etc. I ended up confronting him and he responded the same way as your MM...he said he planned on staying married, he was satisfied and happy in his marriage, and he admitted to probably having women on the side all his life. When I asked him why he was with me he basically said because the sex was amazing and it's was something different. I can't tell you to GET OUT of this affair...but as someone who recently went through DDay when his wife found out and exMM stopped ALL contact with me...it's better to get out soon and save yourself the suffering. The longer you continue this...the more it is going to hurt when it ends (and it will) and the more you will doubt your self worth. Link to post Share on other sites
young&inlove Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I know. You are immoral, and you don't care about the pain of others. I agree. You need to grow up. I will stand up for the MM's wife. Find your own man. She obviously loves her man so why do you feel the need/right to take hers? My hubby cheated on me with my best friend. She happened to be "drawn" to other MM as well. She currently was with a man who had left is wife for her. I don’t know if she was expecting my man to leave me for her as well but too bad for her that we are no longer friends. I don’t mean to sound like a beezy but really? Imagine yourself in who knows how long.... Think about the kids, the white picked fence, the hubby. Now think, the hubby is off with another woman and you don’t know it yet. How do you feel? Like ****. Read some of the posts on here about how awful women or men feel when their spouse is cheating. Think about it. You are causing other people pain and you could care less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 First I want to say hello to everyone on here. I am new as of today so please bear with me if I sound clumsy. I have been seeing a guy for a couple months and he is a MM of 16 years with 3 kids. I am starting to feeling very attached to him, yet at the same time I have a whole lot of doubt brewing in my mind. I guess I should mention that I had a year and a half affair with a MM a few years ago, so not only am I not new to this, I am confused as to how I am here once again. My MM is someone I've known for quite a few years, he was a regular customer at the place I work(ed), after I no longer worked there he contacted me and asked what happened to the business and where I'm now working. Anyway through many text's we started this affair (we've known we liked each other for quite awhile). Two months in now and today I started asking questions, such as "why have I not gotten any steamy late night text's if you're out of town?" His response was that his wife is with him, the conversation continued on until I finally said that I assumed he and his wife were unhappily married because he's seeing me, he said he was sorry that I thought that, said he isn't running from anything or unhappily married, he is just drawn to me, its not about his wife, but all about me. I'm so incredibly confused and feel so stupid to have assumed he is unhappy. My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? Try to only use logic, and break down the facts: 1. He fell in love and got married. 2. After many years he decided he wanted an A and so pursued one, most likely because he wanted to enjoy a bit of excitement/danger. 3. He makes it clear he loves his W, and an A is all he's after. 4. He doesn't engage in dirty talk when the W is around (hence identifying his W as the 1st priority). 5. He engages in dirty talk when his no 1 priority (W) is not around. What can you conclude from these facts? Logically, that he wants a bit of excitement/danger. And he is getting it! So no, there is nothing wrong in his M. Why assume there would be? I think that is the problem with many OWs on this board - they assume that just because they are in the A, there is something wrong with the M, or the MM is unhappy in his M. That is one huge conceptual leap to make. If a M gets married then embarks on an A, it is generally because he wants an A. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I hope you are not hoping for a solid reaationship with this guy it will not happen.If he cheats with you he will cheat on you.This guy is a player that needs to get caught just think how hurt his wife woud be she is more invested.Tell him to stay away nothing good will come from this.He is not totally capable of loving and you can not fix him.He is selfish and only cares about his own needs. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 To answer the question in the title, because he's a happily married MM who is also selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I have been seeing a guy for a couple months and he is a MM of 16 years with 3 kids. How "wonderful" for you... I am starting to feeling very attached to him, yet at the same time I have a whole lot of doubt brewing in my mind. Now why have doubts about cheating with a married man and betraying his wife and children? I guess I should mention that I had a year and a half affair with a MM a few years ago, so not only am I not new to this, I am confused as to how I am here once again. Because you have no problems betraying spouses and children? His response was that his wife is with him, the conversation continued on until I finally said that I assumed he and his wife were unhappily married because he's seeing me, he said he was sorry that I thought that, said he isn't running from anything or unhappily married, he is just drawn to me, its not about his wife, but all about me. So you are his "plaything." Gosh, that must make you feel so special. My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? Because he has no morals or ethics, nor does he respect his wife and children. Sorry but there it is in black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I do not think he is "happily" married. He may say he is, or pretend, but he his having needs filled outside the marriage, therefore it can't be so happy. It's really completely irrelevant 2 the OP whether the OM is happily married or not. By the reasoning, such as it is, that concludes he must be unhappy 2 have an affair, it stands 2 figure that he'd be even happier if he had 2 affairs, or maybe 3 or 4. More is better, right? What's really important is what's wrong with the OP's own self-respect, integrity and morality that she'd allow herself 2 be used by this "hobbyist?" -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
yellowtucan Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Noel, You might want to try posting in the Other Woman/Other Man forum. You will probably find more support there. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I do not think he is "happily" married. He may say he is, or pretend, but he his having needs filled outside the marriage, therefore it can't be so happy. Oh, sure. I'm certain there are no men who just feel it's their due to screw around with whoever they want. Link to post Share on other sites
AmIWrong Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? Because he CAN, and you're allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? -another notch in his belt -another conquest -he's fickle -just wants to have sex with as many different women as possible -although the marriage may be happy and good, he just doesn't want to give up sex with other women Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 What's the difference whether the married person is happily married, or unhappily married---- Bottom line you had an affair with a man you knew had a spouse----You knew you were gonna cause horrible pain to another person, and possibly some kids---yet you did it anyway You all got suckered in by this unhappily married crap----don't any of you have enuff brains to know you are being lied to. What is he gonna say---"oh yeah I'm happily married" wouldn't you then wonder why he is pursuing you----only way you stick around, is cuz you feel you can soothe his wounded soul. I hope for all your sakes, you never have to be in the shoes of the betrayed---cuz then you will really know what pain, and hurt is all about---- The OP here didn't have any trouble doing this the 2nd time cuz she just walked away from the first affair----you left the wreckage of a family behind you and never looked back. Arn't you just proud of yourself. Don't tell me I'm being mean or anything like that----- I'm just being honest, stating facts, and letting you look in the mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
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