If he's a happily MM, then why is he with me?

[TOWinNYC]

...or as I heard one marriage coach describe it: "an unethical solution 2 a temporary - often imaginary - problem".

 

-ol' 2long

 

Unethical? I agree.

Temporary, often imaginary problem? I disagree.

 

If one partner is unhappy (for lack of a better word) about ANYTHING for longer than a week or two that is a problem. And when something persists for YEARS (malaise, ennui, low grade unhappiness - whatever you want to call it) that is not temporary nor imaginary. That's reality, that's a fact and most people would call it "a problem".

[donnamaybe]

No Califnan, not ALL OWs "assume" the MM is unhappy. Sometimes life is "just fine" until "amazing" comes along and then all the sudden you have something to compare it to. That doesn't mean you were unhappy to begin with.

"Amazing" being a woman who doesn't expect him to take out the trash, drive the kids to school, and any of the other myriad responsibilities that come with a normal relationship.

[NoIDidn't]

No Califnan, not ALL OWs "assume" the MM is unhappy. Sometimes life is "just fine" until "amazing" comes along and then all the sudden you have something to compare it to. That doesn't mean you were unhappy to begin with.

 

Of course, the OP assumed her MM was unhappy but these blanket statements are just not true.

 

This is the "I didn't know what I was missing so now I'm unhappy" defense.

 

The M was "just fine", but the affair showed that life could be "amazing".

 

Also a typical situation encountered by MCs. These marriages often go on to get stronger as well. The partners in the marriage incorporate the "amazing" into their R and the A becomes non-existent.

[Iconoclast]

You are right, it is a waste of my time, I am of course trying to figure out why I've allowed this to happen.

 

I covered that in my earlier post.

 

I of course knew there would be some people on here that would bash me for my situation, however, I must say this.... I am not a bad person,

 

Yes, you are. ... But you can change that.

 

I have done a bad thing but it does not define me as a human.

 

Your physiology defines you as human. Your actions, are what define you as a bad person. Twice. You're a liar and a cheat, and you seek to be with liars and cheaters. ... there's an old saying 'bout the company you keep....

 

Thank you for your kind words and for not coming across judgmental.

 

Tough. Homewrecker.

 

Let's pull back the curtain you haven't noticed yet.

 

There's a woman, she's sitting on the corner of her bed, alone, her head is in her hands. Her body quakes and shivers, her eyes are red and puffy, she's been crying for so long, there's no tears left. She looks pale and gaunt, she has not eaten in three days, there's just no desire to eat, the whole act seems pointless.

 

She asked him no to go, not tonight, it was their special night, or was...but it is still to her. How could he forget? How could he want to be "out with the boys" tonight?

 

She knows. The texting, taking calls in the other room. She's not stupid. Something is up. She knows. She sees his face, handsome, charming, she loves him so much, she cannot, no, she will not imagine life without him.

 

But the vision, the vision of him and some stranger, their lips locked together in passion, her legs locked around him, pulling him in deeper, he's never enjoyed it more. The vision, playing over and over in her head, interrupting every thought. Oh god make it stop. It's killing her. It can't be, it can't be. He's just out laughing it up with friends.... it can't be.

 

The children hear the sobs, mommys been crying for a long time, something is wrong, where is daddy? Daddy hasn't been playing much with them lately, he always played with them. He's been going out a lot, and mommy and daddy have been arguing. Did they do something wrong? They go to mommy, they try to comfort her, it only makes her tears reappear, now they are all crying, mommy they ask, "is daddy mad at us"?

 

The curtain closes.

 

Homewrecker.

 

Newton's law of motion: To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction

[Dexter Morgan]

I must say this.... I am not a bad person, I have done a bad thing but it does not define me as a human.

 

perhaps not if this is the only time you have ever done this.

 

but if you repeat this type of behavior, then it does.

[sugarmomma]

I'm so incredibly confused and feel so stupid to have assumed he is unhappy. My question is, Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman?

 

 

Because he knows there are women out there who are foolish enough to get involved with him regardless as to whether he is married or not. You keep getting involved with MM because you haven't decided that MM are off limits and they should be.

 

Don't be flattered because he is drawn to you. In fact you should be offended that he pegged you as "that" kind of woman who is willing to settle for his crumbs.

 

Please stop seeing him since he is not worth the long term pain which YOU will inevitably be on the receiving end of.

[TOWinNYC]

Let's pull back the curtain you haven't noticed yet.

 

There's a woman, she's sitting on the corner of her bed, alone, her head is in her hands. Her body quakes and shivers, her eyes are red and puffy, she's been crying for so long, there's no tears left. She looks pale and gaunt, she has not eaten in three days, there's just no desire to eat, the whole act seems pointless.

 

She asked him no to go, not tonight, it was their special night, or was...but it is still to her. How could he forget? How could he want to be "out with the boys" tonight?

 

She knows. The texting, taking calls in the other room. She's not stupid. Something is up. She knows. She sees his face, handsome, charming, she loves him so much, she cannot, no, she will not imagine life without him.

 

But the vision, the vision of him and some stranger, their lips locked together in passion, her legs locked around him, pulling him in deeper, he's never enjoyed it more. The vision, playing over and over in her head, interrupting every thought. Oh god make it stop. It's killing her. It can't be, it can't be. He's just out laughing it up with friends.... it can't be.

 

Iconoclast - didn't you know these Ws have NO clue and they're COMPLETELY blindsided when DDay happens?

 

Both things can't be true at the same time. If they don't know, then there's nothing behind the curtain.

[noel2]

I don't care to share where I work, but I will say that he and I became friends for a few years before any of this happened, but we didn't hang out or anything, I just saw him at my work.

[noel2]

I understand. When I first posted this on the Infidelity forum it was completely a lack of understanding LS. Thats why I reposted in under OW/OM forum. But since I have had so many responses, it is helpful to see both sides.

[noel2]

I have been involved with single men, available men, only to be completely disappointed. I didn't enter into a A because I get off on being with another W's husband, if it were that simple, it never would of happened.

[Iconoclast]

... and yet you did get off being with another woman's husband. Twice. I tried to give you a glimpse of what empathy would look like if you had any.

[Mimolicious]

I do understand how you can call me a home wrecker, but this affair is not all I am. Please understand that people do foolish things, bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people.

 

Homewrecker: A person who takes a taken invidual with the intensions of breakign up the relationship and creating a relationship of their own- Urban Dictionary.

 

Never said that's all you are. I am sure you are a great daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, classmate, etc... In the situation you posted, this is your part. Comes with the territory.

 

I understand being blind to the fact, going past a few ups and down but when you know the deal and yet you want to say "he was soooo sweet" and this basically reeled you back, then you are your worst enemy and as some may call you on here "have no dignity" because you know where you stand and yet don't remove yourself from the drama.

 

If you don't want to be a fool, don't do foolish things. That's kiddish principle and it's that simple.

 

I bought an "AMAZING" pair of diamond earrings some time ago. I wear them all the time, with pride and joy but one thing I would never wear is a pair of cubic zirconias. If some are sooooo "amazing" why are these MM still M and living with their W & Kids?

[Mimolicious]

I understand Noel. This isn't "all" you are. But also understand that this is a Infidelity forum - meaning, most of the people who post here are the "betrayed". And they come from a different mindset (obviously).

 

And Noel, don't let this become "all you can be" by adhering to an unapologetic OW mindset. Save yourself from living in an illusion while you can babygirl...

 

Just because one MM found "amazing" in OW and leaves it all behind for it that doesn't mean that is your case. Take you situation into consideration, note the obvious and find the strength to look for better.

 

I have been involved with single men, available men, only to be completely disappointed. I didn't enter into a A because I get off on being with another W's husband, if it were that simple, it never would of happened

 

Ok, either happy-hour started... The above make zippo sense. So it happened because it was difficult? I don't get it.

And to say that you have dated single men and were completely disappointed kinda gives validation to why you may go for a MM. Just saying...

[Iconoclast]

Iconoclast - didn't you know these Ws have NO clue and they're COMPLETELY blindsided when DDay happens?

 

Both things can't be true at the same time. If they don't know, then there's nothing behind the curtain.

 

You've confused me. What are you getting at here? Pardon my dumb.

[Trimmer]

I do understand how you can call me a home wrecker, but this affair is not all I am. Please understand that people do foolish things, bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people.

Fine, so then prove it! I challenge you to move through and past this foolish, bad thing, and live your life like the good person you want to see in the mirror.

 

Yes, people do foolish things, bad things, but once they have the self-insight to see that (which I think clearly, you do) and they choose to continue on with the foolish, bad behavior, that's when they let it become a big part of what defines them.

 

Perhaps more to the point, I don't define someone by the accidents that happen to them, by the opportunities that do or don't present themselves - I define them by the choices they make in navigating that landscape.

 

Own your choices - they do define you.

[TOWinNYC]

You've confused me. What are you getting at here? Pardon my dumb.

 

Sorry, I was being facetious.

 

I know you were showing one side of a POSSIBLE scenario.

 

Although it hasn't been my personal experience (with people I've personally known) I've been told on LS many times how these BS "didn't know" and were "blindsided" by DDay.

 

So if the case it a BS who had "no idea" the A was taking place, there is no scene behind your hypothetical curtain. The curtain doesn't even exist.

 

I apologize for my smarta** response.

[seren]

Even though the BS doesn't know an A is going on, they usually know something is not quite right. The WS often distances themselves when there is an A, some say this is to 'allow' themselves the opportunity to create a self fullfilling prophecy - My M is bad, my W is a pain, is it any wonder I am having an A. It sort of justifies, in their minds, the A. Most BS are gaslighted, this, IMO, can drive the BS around the bend. The what am I doing wrong? the, did I really say that? I know I didn't, but he says I did and is soooo peed off, so I must have said/did that. Bloody awful time!

 

Most BS would just prefer the honesty, to be told, I am seeing an OW/OM I am having an A, you are not going mad, you didn't say/do XYZ, I am acting like an a***. Oh, how that would have worked so much better. Then get your stuff and sod off!! of course they don't do this and because they get away with it and because OP is prepared to settle for whatever time the WS spares them and because the M is not so bad as is painted and because the ego is fed and because they have a BS who trusts them not to hurt, to take care of the house/kids, and because they can and want to.

 

You know, I would so much have liked OW to have knocked on my door at the start and told me, face to face (would have preferred it to not have happened. At least then we would have had a level playing field. To achieve happiness at the expense of another - how incredibly shallow.

[jennie-jennie]

Even though the BS doesn't know an A is going on, they usually know something is not quite right. The WS often distances themselves when there is an A, some say this is to 'allow' themselves the opportunity to create a self fullfilling prophecy - My M is bad, my W is a pain, is it any wonder I am having an A. It sort of justifies, in their minds, the A. Most BS are gaslighted, this, IMO, can drive the BS around the bend. The what am I doing wrong? the, did I really say that? I know I didn't, but he says I did and is soooo peed off, so I must have said/did that. Bloody awful time!

 

Most BS would just prefer the honesty, to be told, I am seeing an OW/OM I am having an A, you are not going mad, you didn't say/do XYZ, I am acting like an a***. Oh, how that would have worked so much better. Then get your stuff and sod off!! of course they don't do this and because they get away with it and because OP is prepared to settle for whatever time the WS spares them and because the M is not so bad as is painted and because the ego is fed and because they have a BS who trusts them not to hurt, to take care of the house/kids, and because they can and want to.

 

You know, I would so much have liked OW to have knocked on my door at the start and told me, face to face (would have preferred it to not have happened. At least then we would have had a level playing field. To achieve happiness at the expense of another - how incredibly shallow.

 

I usually appreciate your posts, seren, but the bolded part of your post above is incredibly shallow in my opinion. It is a refusal to see the dynamics in the relationship between the OW and the MM. It has nothing to do with "achieving happiness at the expense of another", and everything to do with two people loving each other.

[NancyBotwin]

I usually appreciate your posts, seren, but the bolded part of your post above is incredibly shallow in my opinion. It is a refusal to see the dynamics in the relationship between the OW and the MM. It has nothing to do with "achieving happiness at the expense of another", and everything to do with two people loving each other.

No it doesn't. It has to do with two selfish people screwing each other behind someone else's back. It has everything to do with achieving happiness at the expense of another. If it didn't, then that person would be set free to find happiness if their own.

[jennie-jennie]

No it doesn't. It has to do with two selfish people screwing each other behind someone else's back. It has everything to do with achieving happiness at the expense of another. If it didn't, then that person would be set free to find happiness if their own.

 

It is not within the power of the OW/OM to set the married person's spouse free. If it was, you can be sure she/he had done it long ago.

[NancyBotwin]

It is not within the power of the OW/OM to set the married person's spouse free. If it was, you can be sure she/he had done it long ago.

Please. It's within the OW's power not to get involved with a married man. And don't give me that tired drivel about not being able to control yourself because you are in love.

 

The OP hasn't even said she's in love with the MM, so I fail to see the relevance in your posts.

[jennie-jennie]

Please. It's within the OW's power not to get involved with a married man. And don't give me that tired drivel about not being able to control yourself because you are in love.

 

The OP hasn't even said she's in love with the MM, so I fail to see the relevance in your posts.

 

And why would you not want to get involved with the man you love? Oh yes, you would be having this compelling desire to be altruistic, which would be so much stronger than the desire to mate with the man you love.

Edited July 31, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[NancyBotwin]

And why would you not want to get involved with the man you love? Oh yes, you would be having this compelling desire to be altruistic, which would be so much stronger than the desire to mate with the man you love.

Since your posts are irrelevant to the thread, perhaps you should start your own.

[Iconoclast]

And why would you not want to get involved with the man you love?

 

Perhaps, because your involvement causes intense pain and upends the lives of four others against their wishes.

[noel2]

I do have self esteem thank you. And I do want to see both sides, thanks again! Have you ever been involved with a MM? Obviously not or you would understand where I am coming from. I am NOT making excuses for myself or my behavior, I think I made it pretty clear I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm trying to get myself strong enough to end it, but telling me I'm a bad person, doesn't make me want to do it any more than someone giving me support would. My point being, if the people on this forum would guide us OM/OW with some loving words instead of nasty, ignorant assumptions, we would be more likely to listen. Now, go ahead, give it to me again, I'm ready.