If he's a happily MM, then why is he with me?

[lolalove]

I usually appreciate your posts, seren, but the bolded part of your post above is incredibly shallow in my opinion. It is a refusal to see the dynamics in the relationship between the OW and the MM. It has nothing to do with "achieving happiness at the expense of another", and everything to do with two people loving each other.

 

It has everything to with achieving happiness at the expense of another. Love doesn't excuse cheating. You can believe that but it doesn't make it true. The BS would never agree that her H and OW's relationship is excused in the name of love.

[jennie-jennie]

It has everything to with achieving happiness at the expense of another. Love doesn't excuse cheating. You can believe that but it doesn't make it true. The BS would never agree that her H and OW's relationship is excused in the name of love.

 

I did when I was the BS. So there goes your "never".

[jennie-jennie]

This is where the WS and OP are more than just selfish, they're malicious.

 

I don't like judging people, preferring 2 judge behavior and give those behaving badly the benefit of the doubt that they can change their behavior for the better.

 

But this kind of post makes me wonder if some people really are just bad people.

 

-ol' 2long

 

No, not two bad people. Just two people who can not figure out a better way to deal with a difficult situation.

 

The Dday did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, so both continue.

 

As I said, I have read many posts of OW in this situation, and they are posts of women in love, good women, ordinary women, just women in love with a MM.

[Mimolicious]

:lmao:

 

Please elaborate on this for me, because I don't understand how can an affair go "underground" if it has been exposed to the fullest. Yes, I know that an affair can still continue,but if a BS is aware that there has been an affair, most often they will know if NC has been broken, since BSs are usually on high alert. I just can't seem to grasp the concept that an affair can go "underground.":lmao::lmao:

 

 

Yes it can. I have to agree with JJ. My xH did this and he was very good at brewing what he didn't see as a HUGE HUGE Category 5 hurricane with 2 approaching twisters and a 7.0 of the richter scale earthquake that he was building. His A came to light, he did the usual Kobe Bryant crying victim. behaved for months, yet he never stopped his A. He just made arrangements to make it look that way. When he couldn't disappear for a few hrs anymore, he moved his OW walking distance from our home so he can "walk the dog", "Go jogging", "go to the gym", blah, blah, blah... He did the MC, IC and everything that I asked. I named it, I got it. Then he got caught AGAIN and it was seriously down hill from there.

 

So yes, it can go underground when a person can be manipulative, calculating and straight up a simple PRICK, to say the least.

[Bitterman24/7]

Yes it can. I have to agree with JJ. My xH did this and he was very good at brewing what he didn't see as a HUGE HUGE Category 5 hurricane with 2 approaching twisters and a 7.0 of the richter scale earthquake that he was building. His A came to light, he did the usual Kobe Bryant crying victim. behaved for months, yet he never stopped his A. He just made arrangements to make it look that way. When he couldn't disappear for a few hrs anymore, he moved his OW walking distance from our home so he can "walk the dog", "Go jogging", "go to the gym", blah, blah, blah... He did the MC, IC and everything that I asked. I named it, I got it. Then he got caught AGAIN and it was seriously down hill from there.

 

So yes, it can go underground when a person can be manipulative, calculating and straight up a simple PRICK, to say the least.

 

True....but like I said, i've never been in that situation because once I found out, I kicked her to the curb!!

 

Glad you caught him again though. At least now you'll know what to do when confronted with this situation.

[Bitterman24/7]

No, not two bad people. Just two people who can not figure out a better way to deal with a difficult situation.

 

The Dday did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, so both continue.

 

As I said, I have read many posts of OW in this situation, and they are posts of women in love, good women, ordinary women, just women in love with a MM.

 

But if the DDay did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, then what is the importance of telling the BS? Thats like saying, "Hi honey, I just want to give you some heads up that OM is getting his head up my vagina and i'm never going to stop him.":lmao::lmao:

[donnamaybe]

I did when I was the BS. So there goes your "never".

 

But, for some reason, you seem satisfied to take whatever little is offered you from whatever R you're in. Most people don't stand for that kind of treatment. That's not a fault of theirs merely for being a strong person who won't take crap off of others.

[Mimolicious]

True....but like I said, i've never been in that situation because once I found out, I kicked her to the curb!!

 

Glad you caught him again though. At least now you'll know what to do when confronted with this situation.

 

Now he is my xH, at least he'll now what to do when comfronted with the situation again. :lmao: "I can't never be with a one woman man, I have my W and a sidedish" fMr. Mimolicioud... Since I am no longer in the picture, I am sure there will be someone else real soon joining his party of 3. Too bad I knew this loser since I was 16-17 and thought I knew him. He got issues...

 

I personally hope that I am not in this situation ever again. If someone starts to act a bit too familiar they get dropped. NEXT!

I don't have time for nonsense and for another heartbreak. I learned from the best.

[Trimmer]

But if the DDay did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, then what is the importance of telling the BS?

Because then the BS is as informed about the factors affecting his/her marriage as the MP is, and the BS can make decisions about what to do with knowledge of all the pertinent information.

[Bitterman24/7]

Now he is my xH, at least he'll now what to do when comfronted with the situation again. :lmao: "I can't never be with a one woman man, I have my W and a sidedish" fMr. Mimolicioud... Since I am no longer in the picture, I am sure there will be someone else real soon joining his party of 3. Too bad I knew this loser since I was 16-17 and thought I knew him. He got issues...

 

I personally hope that I am not in this situation ever again. If someone starts to act a bit too familiar they get dropped. NEXT!

I don't have time for nonsense and for another heartbreak. I learned from the best.

 

Yea, I feel you there. Thats exactly what I did to my xgf, three years after I left my xw. After dating her for 11 months she said that she was somewhat of a gold-digger. Never spoken to her again after that comment.

 

Even though i'm a FBS, it put me on a new reality, with a deception alert system that tells me to leave before I even get involved with something or someone for that matter.

[Bitterman24/7]

Because then the BS is as informed about the factors affecting his/her marriage as the MP is, and the BS can make decisions about what to do with knowledge of all the pertinent information.

 

I know that. Sorry, I misunderstood her statement.

[2sunny]

No, not two bad people. Just two people who can not figure out a better way to deal with a difficult situation.

 

The Dday did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, so both continue.

 

As I said, I have read many posts of OW in this situation, and they are posts of women in love, good women, ordinary women, just women in love with a MM.

 

so the only one who can change that situation is YOU. YOU do have control over what you do or don't do, what you will or won't accept, and whether or not you spend most of your time alone or with a man that says he loves you then returns home to his wife.

 

he knows you're never leaving him - so he just stays married.

 

YOU have one life to live - and choices for that life - no one else is going to look out for your best interest, so it needs to be who does that.

[Bitterman24/7]

so the only one who can change that situation is YOU. YOU do have control over what you do or don't do, what you will or won't accept, and whether or not you spend most of your time alone or with a man that says he loves you then returns home to his wife.

 

he knows you're never leaving him - so he just stays married.

 

YOU have one life to live - and choices for that life - no one else is going to look out for your best interest, so it needs to be who does that.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the BW came knocking on her door telling her to step outside. Sometimes OW/OM should watch their backs...

[TOWinNYC]

so the only one who can change that situation is YOU. YOU do have control over what you do or don't do, what you will or won't accept, and whether or not you spend most of your time alone or with a man that says he loves you then returns home to his wife.

 

he knows you're never leaving him - so he just stays married.

 

YOU have one life to live - and choices for that life - no one else is going to look out for your best interest, so it needs to be who does that.

 

2Sunny,

I agree that we are all responsible for the situations we're in. We are the only ones who can change ANY situation we may find ourselves in, whether it's an A or a bad M or whatever.

 

As for J-J, who are we to criticize?

 

This man makes her happy. She has a choice: stay with MM, her SO, the one who makes her happy and BE happy with him (albeit unconventionally)....or.....purposely get rid of MM and purposely be unhappy (this doesn't mean she would be unhappy forever and chances are she would find happiness in her future, but she would definitely be unhappy at least for a while).

 

Hmmm, let me think - any normal human being would choose to be HAPPY over being UNhappy. Human beings (unless you're a masochist) choose pleasure over pain. Right?

 

And lets not forget she has clearly stated time and time again, that when the moment comes when she realizes she is UNhappy with MM/situation, THAT'S when she's willing to walk away.

 

I see nothing wrong with that.

[JustJoe]

Now he is my xH, at least he'll now what to do when comfronted with the situation again. :lmao: "I can't never be with a one woman man, I have my W and a sidedish" fMr. Mimolicioud... Since I am no longer in the picture, I am sure there will be someone else real soon joining his party of 3. Too bad I knew this loser since I was 16-17 and thought I knew him. He got issues...

 

I personally hope that I am not in this situation ever again. If someone starts to act a bit too familiar they get dropped. NEXT!

I don't have time for nonsense and for another heartbreak. I learned from the best.

Not bitter, are you, Mimo? This is too sad. You sound like a really fine person and I hope you will find the love all of us poor mortals crave.:)

[Bitterman24/7]

2Sunny,

I agree that we are all responsible for the situations we're in. We are the only ones who can change ANY situation we may find ourselves in, whether it's an A or a bad M or whatever.

 

As for J-J, who are we to criticize?

 

This man makes her happy. She has a choice: stay with MM, her SO, the one who makes her happy and BE happy with him (albeit unconventionally)....or.....purposely get rid of MM and purposely be unhappy (this doesn't mean she would be unhappy forever and chances are she would find happiness in her future, but she would definitely be unhappy at least for a while).

 

Hmmm, let me think - any normal human being would choose to be HAPPY over being UNhappy. Human beings (unless you're a masochist) choose pleasure over pain. Right?

 

And lets not forget she has clearly stated time and time again, that when the moment comes when she realizes she is UNhappy with MM/situation, THAT'S when she's willing to walk away.

 

I see nothing wrong with that.

 

If this guy is a MM, then how is this an ok situation for J-J?

[2long]

No, not two bad people. Just two people who can not figure out a better way to deal with a difficult situation.

 

The Dday did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, so both continue.

 

As I said, I have read many posts of OW in this situation, and they are posts of women in love, good women, ordinary women, just women in love with a MM.

 

Sorry. That ***** ain't love.

 

The si2ation isn't difficult, either. The solution is simple, though it may not be easy. Have you heard the joke about the rodeo rider and the difference between simple and easy?

 

Si2ations like this are no more difficult than the selfish people in them make them. The right thing 2 have done would have been 2 say something along these lines of part of this quote from M. Scott Peck that I posted some time ago on a similar thread:

 

 

I've used this quote from M. Scott Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled" a number of times, but I think it applies here. It might sound a bit clinical or analytical 2 some, but I think it's right on:

 

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love.

 

Falling in love is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice. No matter how open to or eager for it we may be, the experience may still elude us. Contrarily, the experience may capture us at times when we are definitely not seeking it, when it is inconvenient and undesirable. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are obviously ill matched as with someone more suitable. Indeed, we may not even like or admire the object of our passion, yet, try as we might, we may not be able to fall in love with a person whom we deeply respect and with whom a deep relationship would be in all ways desirable.

 

This is not to say that the experience of falling in love is immune to discipline. Psychiatrists, for instance, frequently fall in love with their patients, just as their patients fall in love with them, yet out of duty to the patient and their role they are usually able to abort the collapse of their ego boundaries and give up the person as a romantic object. The struggle and suffering of the discipline involved may be enormous. But discipline and will can only control the experience; they cannot create it. We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling of love, but we cannot choose the experience itself.

 

Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to". My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love.

 

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone's spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively.

 

Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.

 

The common tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people all manner of self-deception. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love, it is correct to say, "Love is as love does".

 

In view of this, it's easier 2 understand the oft-heard statement from a wayward: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." They're ac2ally telling a truth that's deeper than they realize (or even are, in that state of mind). They're describing the deeper "love as a choice" they might still hold for their spouse, because of their his2ry 2gether, or their family, or the "needs" their spouse can meet but the AP can't.

 

They could just as truthfully say 2 the AP: "I'm in love with you but I don't love you." But, though equally accurate, that would kind of spoil the moment, rather than invigorate it.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I have had a feeling for a long time now, that active waywards, particularly unrepentant or unapologetic ones, have a screw loose somewhere. See if you can identify it in the quote of M Scott Peck, above. I bet it's in the characterization of romantic love as not love at all. Am I right?

 

...though there may be more than one loose screw, now that I think about it.

 

-ol' 2long

[TOWinNYC]

If this guy is a MM, then how is this an ok situation for J-J?

 

Because he makes her happy.

 

All of us has our own definitions of happiness. What makes me happy may not make you happy. Chocolate makes some happy while vanilla makes others happy. The world is not so rigid as to say ALL people must be happy with chocolate, there is no other possible way for people to be happy.

 

This man makes J-J happy and she's willing to accept the situation as it is (for now). That's a good enough explanation for me.

[Bitterman24/7]

Because he makes her happy.

 

All of us has our own definitions of happiness. What makes me happy may not make you happy. Chocolate makes some happy while vanilla makes others happy. The world is not so rigid as to say ALL people must be happy with chocolate, there is no other possible way for people to be happy.

 

This man makes J-J happy and she's willing to accept the situation as it is (for now). That's a good enough explanation for me.

 

:lmao:So to "fall in love" with a MP who is dishonest to his/her BS, who doesn't hold you on a platform higher than his/her BS, but only holds you as a side dish is ok? An old saying: "If they're willing to cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.";)

[TOWinNYC]

Sorry. That ***** ain't love.

 

The si2ation isn't difficult, either. The solution is simple, though it may not be easy. Have you heard the joke about the rodeo rider and the difference between simple and easy?

 

Si2ations like this are no more difficult than the selfish people in them make them. The right thing 2 have done would have been 2 say something along these lines of part of this quote from M. Scott Peck that I posted some time ago on a similar thread:

 

 

I have had a feeling for a long time now, that active waywards, particularly unrepentant or unapologetic ones, have a screw loose somewhere. See if you can identify it in the quote of M Scott Peck, above. I bet it's in the characterization of romantic love as not love at all. Am I right?

 

...though there may be more than one loose screw, now that I think about it.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Dude, that just gave me a headache. And trust me, I read it. Slowly. Trying to digest it fully.

 

Does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" not make sense to you? Does to me.

I've felt it - loved the boyfriend, wasn't in love with him anymore.

 

On the flip side, I've never felt this emotion: "I'm in love with you but I don't love you".

 

All I know is that it's ALWAYS better when I'm IN LOVE with the person I LOVE.

[TOWinNYC]

:lmao:So to "fall in love" with a MP who is dishonest to his/her BS, who doesn't hold you on a platform higher than his/her BS, but only holds you as a side dish is ok? An old saying: "If they're willing to cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.";)

 

Oh yes, the old saying.

 

Well, not every AP is "just a side dish" and not every cheater cheats again (we're not counting serial cheaters in this statement).

 

Just saying.

[2long]

Dude, that just gave me a headache. And trust me, I read it. Slowly. Trying to digest it fully.

 

Does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" not make sense to you?

 

Far more than you realize, trust me!

 

On the flip side, I've never felt this emotion: "I'm in love with you but I don't love you".

 

That's because you didn't understand the quote.

 

QED:

 

All I know is that it's ALWAYS better when I'm IN LOVE with the person I LOVE.

 

Love isn't evil. Affairs are evil.

 

-ol' 2long

[TOWinNYC]

That's because you didn't understand the quote.

 

Hmm, "I'm in love with you but I don't love you". Nope, I still can't figure that one out.

I can understand "I'm in LUST with you but I don't love you".

I can understand "I'm in LIKE with you but I don't love you".

Please explain how you can be "in love" with someone and not love them at the same time.

 

Love isn't evil. Affairs are evil.

No, Love isn't evil.

 

As for affairs being evil - well, it depends on who you ask, doesn't it? I'm sure to the BS who finds out, it is "evil". To the BS who has no clue, it's not.

 

And for the two parties involved in an affair? It may be the height of happiness, the "missing piece" of the puzzle, the "bright spot" of their day. So they would not call it evil.

[Bitterman24/7]

Hmm, "I'm in love with you but I don't love you". Nope, I still can't figure that one out.

I can understand "I'm in LUST with you but I don't love you".

I can understand "I'm in LIKE with you but I don't love you".

Please explain how you can be "in love" with someone and not love them at the same time.

 

 

No, Love isn't evil.

 

As for affairs being evil - well, it depends on who you ask, doesn't it? I'm sure to the BS who finds out, it is "evil". To the BS who has no clue, it's not.

 

And for the two parties involved in an affair? It may be the height of happiness, the "missing piece" of the puzzle, the "bright spot" of their day. So they would not call it evil.

 

Of course if the BS has no clue that what their WS is doing then it can't be considered "evil" because they haven't discovered their WS's infidelity!

[jennie-jennie]

But if the DDay did not change the fact that the MP was neither ready to end the affair nor the marriage, then what is the importance of telling the BS? Thats like saying, "Hi honey, I just want to give you some heads up that OM is getting his head up my vagina and i'm never going to stop him.":lmao::lmao:

 

You hit the nail on the head why many WS do not tell their spouses about their extramarital relationships. They are not ready to choose. This is also why many OW/OM hesitate to tell the BSs. They think matters will only get worse, not better, being that the WS is not ready to choose.