OliveOyl Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 To answer the question in the title, because he's a happily married MM who is also selfish. The term is always used in such a derogatory manner, but IMHO, everyone is selfish. Being selfish persay is not a bad thing. Nor a good thing, it's just a fact. My opinion on why he's with you. He may be happy in his marriage overall, but there are a few things the marriage can't provide (or he doesn't think it can provide.) Also, a lot of people find long-term monogamy difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 Old marriages, are difficult no one ever said they weren't---the passion is gone, they are boring---there are everyday living expenses to meet, and problems meeting them, there are emergencies, and there is the sameness, day after day---unless the partners do something about it. That does not give one of the partners the right to break their vows They have 2 choices, basically, talk to their partner, and do what is necessary to make the mge., a viable place to be, or if they wanna screw around get a divorce and be single. They do not have the right to inflict the intense pain that an adulterous spouse inflicts on a betrayed spouse, and they sure as hell do not have the right to wreck the lives of their children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Share Posted July 25, 2010 Thank you all for your wonderful responses, yes its hard to hear, but the sad part is I know you're right, all of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Share Posted July 25, 2010 Thats actually a very good suggestion, perhaps I will withdraw sex from our relationship and see if he distances himself from me. We have had this conversation quite a few times, he swears its not about the sex, but he probably would say that huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Share Posted July 25, 2010 Point taken! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 Thats actually a very good suggestion, perhaps I will withdraw sex from our relationship and see if he distances himself from me. We have had this conversation quite a few times, he swears its not about the sex, but he probably would say that huh? Distance yourself completely. not just with sex, but everything. This man is playing you like a fiddle and if you choose to stay the OW he is going to ruin you. You won't feel like the same woman..You'll lose parts of you, do things you normally wouldn't do. You'll compromise your own well being to BE with him. Just go read in the OW/OM section and see what you're up against. You are wasting your love and energy on someone who has NO intention of divorcing his wife. He will use you and tell you what you want to hear to keep you around. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggotface Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Don't feel stupid for assuming he was unhappy. There is always a reason for men cheating but it might not be that they are unhappy, they could just be sexually attracted to you, not "getting any" at home, revenge affair, most likely a cereal cheater, the list goes on. There is no reason for you to continue this relationship none the less. This isnt going to lead anywhere, he isnt going to leave his wife and she will find out and it will end eventually. The longer you wait the messier it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 JUst out of curiosity---Why can't you get yourself involved with a single man, who actually is available, and can be there for all parts of your life?????? Are you afraid of a REAL COMMITMENT????? Link to post Share on other sites
Gfkr2 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 To answer the question in the title, because he's a happily married MM who is also selfish. And wants the SEX. Never foget how important SEX with another woman is in an A. It's the engine that drives the machine. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Don't feel stupid for assuming he was unhappy. . --------------------- Don't all OW assume the MM was unhappy, when beginning the relationship.. And it would appear that all current OW on LS feel their MM is unhappy.. and minimize the W and the marriage as much as possible .. It goes with the territory .. I agree, there is no reason for the OP to have thought anything different in the beginning - when others think that way for years.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Share Posted July 28, 2010 The sad part about this is that I do KNOW it will eventually end, I actually tried to end it last week, but of course he was sooooo sweet to me and said all the right things. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why I allowed this to happen in my life, guess I must have a self esteem problem or commitment issues that I am not aware of. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice, all of you, even the 'harsh'(as someone above mentioned) advice is good advice, makes me take a real hard look at myself. The part that scares me is that I know when one of us ends it (most likely me) that one of us will attempt to restart it, I'm not sure if I have the strenght quite yet to resist. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 And wants the SEX. Never foget how important SEX with another woman is in an A. It's the engine that drives the machine. Yup. He is selfishly seeking the sexual variety. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 The sad part about this is that I do KNOW it will eventually end, I actually tried to end it last week, but of course he was sooooo sweet to me and said all the right things. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why I allowed this to happen in my life, guess I must have a self esteem problem or commitment issues that I am not aware of. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice, all of you, even the 'harsh'(as someone above mentioned) advice is good advice, makes me take a real hard look at myself. The part that scares me is that I know when one of us ends it (most likely me) that one of us will attempt to restart it, I'm not sure if I have the strenght quite yet to resist. Sorry to keep it real but you are in fact a true homewrecker. "of course he was soooo sweet"? This aint High School sweetpea! What are the "right things" that he said? Please delight me. If you have problems within yourself handle them in a mature way and seek help. To drag innocent people who are not asking to be brought into your issues is inhumane. Strike your ego and give yourself some esteem boost with single man. You are an enabler at this point and don't expect any sympathy when it hits the fan, at the end you deserve what you get. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Why does a man that says he's happy at home feel the need to act upon his being "drawn" to another woman? no strings attached sex Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 The sad part about this is that I do KNOW it will eventually end, I actually tried to end it last week, but of course he was sooooo sweet to me and said all the right things. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why I allowed this to happen in my life, guess I must have a self esteem problem or commitment issues that I am not aware of. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice, all of you, even the 'harsh'(as someone above mentioned) advice is good advice, makes me take a real hard look at myself. The part that scares me is that I know when one of us ends it (most likely me) that one of us will attempt to restart it, I'm not sure if I have the strenght quite yet to resist. Tell his wife about the affair. Get her help in ending it. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 Affairs happen in happy marriages not because there is anything missing from the marriage but because there is something missing in the WS that not a spouse, an OW, a relationship or anyone else can fill. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 The sad part about this is that I do KNOW it will eventually end, I actually tried to end it last week, but of course he was sooooo sweet to me and said all the right things. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why I allowed this to happen in my life, guess I must have a self esteem problem or commitment issues that I am not aware of. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice, all of you, even the 'harsh'(as someone above mentioned) advice is good advice, makes me take a real hard look at myself. The part that scares me is that I know when one of us ends it (most likely me) that one of us will attempt to restart it, I'm not sure if I have the strenght quite yet to resist. Get strong. This guy knows how to push your buttons, knows the right things to say to you so you'll keep him around. W..T..F. Come on, you KNOW it's going to end and he has NO desire to divorce and be with you. By hanging onto him, you're prolonging your own pain and heartache, allowing yourself to become MORE emotionally attached to him. Don't be afraid of the pain and of hurting. You'll survive. Sure it'll hurt but you WILL recover and heal. Get counseling to help you cope, to help you get strong so you can stay in NC mode when the time comes you DO walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 You are right, it is a waste of my time, I am of course trying to figure out why I've allowed this to happen. I of course knew there would be some people on here that would bash me for my situation, however, I must say this.... I am not a bad person, I have done a bad thing but it does not define me as a human. Thank you for your kind words and for not coming across judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noel2 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 I do understand how you can call me a home wrecker, but this affair is not all I am. Please understand that people do foolish things, bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. Link to post Share on other sites
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 Where did you work that he had your phone number and texted you normally and such, that it would turn into an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 --------------------- Don't all OW assume the MM was unhappy, when beginning the relationship.. And it would appear that all current OW on LS feel their MM is unhappy.. and minimize the W and the marriage as much as possible .. It goes with the territory .. I agree, there is no reason for the OP to have thought anything different in the beginning - when others think that way for years.. No Califnan, not ALL OWs "assume" the MM is unhappy. Sometimes life is "just fine" until "amazing" comes along and then all the sudden you have something to compare it to. That doesn't mean you were unhappy to begin with. Of course, the OP assumed her MM was unhappy but these blanket statements are just not true. Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 I do understand how you can call me a home wrecker, but this affair is not all I am. Please understand that people do foolish things, bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. I understand Noel. This isn't "all" you are. But also understand that this is a Infidelity forum - meaning, most of the people who post here are the "betrayed". And they come from a different mindset (obviously). Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 No Califnan, not ALL OWs "assume" the MM is unhappy. Sometimes life is "just fine" until "amazing" comes along and then all the sudden you have something to compare it to. That doesn't mean you were unhappy to begin with. Of course, the OP assumed her MM was unhappy but these blanket statements are just not true. Even from the perspective of an unrepentent OW, is it relevant whether the MM is or isn't happy in his marriage? The affair isn't about his marriage, is it? -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 Even from the perspective of an unrepentent OW, is it relevant whether the MM is or isn't happy in his marriage? The affair isn't about his marriage, is it? -ol' 2long It's not relevant per se but some MM ARE in an unhappy marriage and they have what's called an "exit affair". They've basically already checked out of their M and the A is just the final nail in the coffin. Or an unretractable move that forces them to change their life towards the path they want. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 ...or as I heard one marriage coach describe it: "an unethical solution 2 a temporary - often imaginary - problem". -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
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