Return Of "The One"

[Jilly Bean]

Some of the older members will remember me mentioning from time to time my "ex". This is the guy I lived with for 5 years, until we lost a baby, and it ended us (I went into a horrible post-partum and shut him out).

 

Regardless, we had a magical relationship. We both always felt we were true soulmates. I never had more fun, and more comfort, and more passion with any man in my life (well, sex with bi-cop was pretty passionate, but you know what I mean - lol). I carried a torch for him for YEARS, and in many ways, always felt it was my attachment to him that prevented me from moving on with someone else in a serious way. Everyone was always compared to J. Still, I always felt that one day, when we were older, we would reunite, and spend eternity together.

 

We've stayed in distant touch since we split (occasional email every few years), but haven't seen each other.

 

Thanks to the magic of FB, he contacted me recently, right before I met Soldier Boy, actually. We exchanged emails, and I was amazed that he felt the way I did, all these years. He had an incredible memory for the minutae of our relationship, and having the heart of a poet as he does, wrote me some incredibly romantic and touching prose.

 

He is currently single, and so am I. And he wants to come visit me.

 

I was over the moon when this first came up, as I felt like the circle of life was about to close, and we would renew our bond and ride off into the sunset. All of the fantasies and hopes I had for many, many years, I felt were about to manifest. I mean, he is widely known in my family and among my friends, as "the one".

 

I had been putting off having him visit, because of SB, but now that SB has been begrudgingly shelved , I find myself having very mixed feelings about it.

 

First off, he lives back East. I am out West, and will be, as everyone knows I am here solely for my family. He has become wildly successful - like multi-millionaire successful (he told me I should entitled to some of that wealth, since I supported us while he went back for his MBA - lol), and has his businesses to run back East. He now has two small children as well, that I know he has joint custody of. I don't view these things as huge problems, however, as even if we remained bicoastal, it could work. Both of us being business owners means we have the flexibility of schedule and location.

 

So, after years and years of feeling resolute we would be together one day, here it is before me, and Im not so hip on it anymore. In fact, it pretty much terrifies the crap out of me. And Im not sure why.

 

Yes, right now, I am still smarting over Soldier Boy, as he really was so dear to me, and is still in my heart. I don't detach that quickly. But, J is the man with whom I share a storied past, exceptional love, and incredible history. J is the man I always "knew" I would end up with one day.

 

I'm feeling a few things. One is that what if when he comes out, there is no magic? And we spend a few (painful) days together reminiscing, and nothing else? Do I want to tarnish the memories, or do I need to do this so I can finally move on, one way or another? Plus, right now, I have a vision of me making love with J, and thinking of SB instead. And, theres always the possibility of ripping this wide open, he steps off the plane, we run into each others arms and have a movie moment from there and live happily ever after and become poster children for soulmates and reunited lovers everywhere.

 

He wants to come in a few weeks.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Thorgs]

I know it doesn't mean much because I'm a wreck right now, but...listen to your heart.

[jerbear]

I say try again. Second chances might work. It is worth a try.

[lunita]

Yup go for it but not with any expectations. If you don't try, you will always wonder "what if". I think you probably wanted this to happen but never thought of would... So now that it has, it's freaking you out. It will be fine. Maybe nothing will come of it but at least then you'll know right?

[Art_Critic]

I say try again. Second chances might work. It is worth a try.

 

 

Listen to this man .. he has it right ..

 

Beware of setting the expectations bar to high though.. you both have lived much since back then and are different people today and as such don't make any expectations of each other other than to be honest with each other..

[Jilly Bean]

I know it doesn't mean much because I'm a wreck right now, but...listen to your heart.

 

You're in pain, but you're still capable of commentary. Thanks. If I wasn't so numb, I suppose I could listen to it, but faintly, I hear it saying GO FOR IT.

 

I say try again. Second chances might work. It is worth a try.

 

Well, the good thing, is that we never had anything unforgiveable happen, you know? There was no cheating, no abuse, no regretful words...

 

I'm still terrified, though.

 

Yup go for it but not with any expectations. If you don't try, you will always wonder "what if". I think you probably wanted this to happen but never thought of would... So now that it has, it's freaking you out. It will be fine. Maybe nothing will come of it but at least then you'll know right?

 

Yes, you're right. But, the "what if?" was at least a way to eulogize our past. I'm worried about tainting it, if things go crappy.

 

Listen to this man .. he has it right ..

 

Beware of setting the expectations bar to high though.. you both have lived much since back then and are different people today and as such don't make any expectations of each other other than to be honest with each other..

 

Yeah, that's the thing, Art. Not having huge expectations. Of course, I keep wondering what his agenda is, and why he wants to visit. It's not like either of us have said this is a fresh start. It's being billed simply as a visit. So vague, yet still with such an undercurrent.

 

At the least, I'll reconnect with an old friend, and an old love. At the best, we'll live happily ever after. lol

[daphne]

If you see him again, it's only a win win situation. If it works out, you get another chance at the real deal. If you find you're no longer attracted or things aren't the same anymore, you can move forward knowing that you have no regrets. Also, it allows you to stop thinking of him as "the one" so someone else can fill that role.

 

If you dont' see him again, you will most likely regret it.

 

That was easy.

[D-Lish]

I'm feeling a few things. One is that what if when he comes out, there is no magic? And we spend a few (painful) days together reminiscing, and nothing else?

 

Maybe the alternate scenario is what is scaring you the most? What if you re-connect, spend time together and things are just as magical as they once were? You'd be in the position of being vulnerable again, and that can be just as daunting a situation (even moreso).

[Jilly Bean]

If you see him again, it's only a win win situation. If it works out, you get another chance at the real deal. If you find you're no longer attracted or things aren't the same anymore, you can move forward knowing that you have no regrets. Also, it allows you to stop thinking of him as "the one" so someone else can fill that role.

 

If you dont' see him again, you will most likely regret it.

 

That was easy.

 

Daphne - where the hell have you been, honey?! Good to see you.

 

Yep, yep, that's a very logical argument, and makes total sense. Truly only good can come of it.

 

Maybe the alternate scenario is what is scaring you the most? What if you re-connect, spend time together and things are just as magical as they once were? You'd be in the position of being vulnerable again, and that can be just as daunting a situation (even moreso).

 

Yes, and you know how much I love vulnerability, D!

 

I still think that when he steps off the plane, it will be like no time passed. We will look 23 to each other, and the energy will be there. True, we have both gone in different directions and had separate lives, but I'm not much different as I was then, and I can tell from his emails, he's not, either. Thank God I've kept myself nice, and am the same size I was back then. lol.

 

If things go well, it will be a mixed blessing. The distance would have to be navigated. But having him in my life again would be pretty amazing. He truly was the greatest love of my life, and I think you and I talked about him privately, and that I always felt that what we had was so special and rare, and that even if I never experienced anything similar again, I always felt blessed to have known such a truly exceptional love.

 

I think the other thing weighing on me, is that I have some profound personal stressors in my life right now. Ones so strong, that I feel almost emotionally and socially paralyzed at times, as these things are preventing true joy in my life. They are blanketing what was once, and recently, a pretty nice little life. So, suffice to say, I am not myself these days. And I don't relish the idea of seeing him after so many years, and having this negative vibe around me because of these pressures and events. I wonder if I can act through a weekend to appear happy and adjusted. He's well aware of one of these major stressors, and I know he is quite sensitive to it, however, who wants to spend a weekend with an old love who's feeling a wee down? I certainly wouldn't want to see him and have him think, "hell, her life became kinda miserable." Because it's not, as a whole, besides these two things.

 

Then again, maybe him coming out would be exactly what I need.

 

I dunno. My spirituality believes nothing happens without a reason. Funny, I was thinking SB was filler until J showed up, and now I'm thinking my destiny may be the opposite.

 

Let's go to FL and sit on the beach for a week and decide what I should do, OK?

[tami-chan]

So SB is in the crapper, and "J", is back in the saddle.

 

Wow, Justjoe..What do you know about the details on the state of SB and JB's relationship? The audacity of your assumptions is unbelievable.

 

Some times we soldiers take way more crap than we deserve.

it's not exclusive to you, you know...stop owning misery, other losers (non-soldiers) take it, too!

 

I wonder if anyone truly knows what it means to support the troops.

Hmmm...I am sure your GF knew how to support you ...I guess that is the extent of your expectations of support. Just so you know, there are other ways to support the military.

 

Sure Jill, go back to your multi-millionaire, and leave SB in the dust. I've grown to expect stuff like this, we soldiers even joke about "Jody".

 

oh stop...you just want to rag on JB...What if SB is not ready for a relationship because he has major issues he wants to deal with?

[Circular]

This is one of those things that every human looks back and regrets not taking the chance to know the answer.... It's better to know the answer to the question than have the question haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

As the saying goes. "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, Tami. You understand the dynamics at work. Some amazing comments in that post. however. Oh, my.

 

For anyone to say SB is in the "crapper" is disgusting. Being in the throes of a mutually unwanted breakup, and having someone relegate this sweet man into the "crapper" is hideous to me. I couldn't hold SB in higher esteem, or with more admiration and affection.

 

And J is hardly in the saddle. lol. Hell, he's not even been given the green light to get a plane ticket.

 

Multi-millionaire ex being chosen over SB who's in the dust? Actually, SB has more money than my ex. lol Good thing for all of us that I don't base my romantic decisions on bank roll.

 

Here's the other thing I'm thinking about.

 

When J and I split, my life was pretty uncomplicated. Since then, LOTS has happened, some good, some bad.

 

Even though he's someone I shared a life with, he really is a stranger to me now. And in many ways, besides our memories, it would be like a first date of sorts, right?

 

I mean, do I behave like we all do on a first date and not bring up any baggage and ugliness? Or, do I put it all out there, as he was my partner for many years, and certainly knew me well, and didnt judge me. Of course, back then, I had less to judge. lol

 

I dunno. I havent written him back, because Im still smarting over Soldier Boy, and maybe I keep bringing up roadblocks like this because Im so conflicted. All of this is really freaking me out, honestly. Like Daphne said - its something I thought I knew would happen, but I never really imagined it would, if that makes sense. Im ill-prepared, clearly. lol

 

Maybe its not the time for us to reunite. Something about his enthusiasm being greater than mine is pressuring me as well. Its hard to manage when my heart is elsewhere ATM.

[Jilly Bean]

This is one of those things that every human looks back and regrets not taking the chance to know the answer.... It's better to know the answer to the question than have the question haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

As the saying goes. "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

 

Very, very true. And that's run through my head since he contacted me a while back. That this could be the defining moment in my life.

 

The single, biggest regret I have in my life, is letting him go.

 

Of course, this was many years ago, and I wonder if I'm eulogizing the relationship, you know?

 

Part of me wonders if its best to leave it as a great memory, rather than risk meeting again and having it suck.

 

But, like you said, there is so much merit in knowing for sure, and putting it to rest, once and for all, which ever way it turns out.

[BellaBellaBella]

I think you owe it to yourself to meet with the ex. I think you stated in original post you had always held others to his standard. Maybe you need to see diamonds or take the rose petal glasses off to get on with your life. Diamonds would be getting back togather.

[Ariadne]

This is wonderful news JB. Wishing you the best!

[cavedweller]

Jilly Bean,

 

Do not pin your hopes too high..Long distant relationships (with old flames) usually do not work out..

 

If you two do meet you may want to be just friends, ride the pony and stay in contact..

[Jilly Bean]

I think you owe it to yourself to meet with the ex. I think you stated in original post you had always held others to his standard. Maybe you need to see diamonds or take the rose petal glasses off to get on with your life. Diamonds would be getting back togather.

 

Very true, Bella. Either the fantasy crumbles, or continues.

 

This is wonderful news JB. Wishing you the best!

 

Thank you, sweetie! (He's not in LE, btw...)

 

Jilly Bean,

 

Do not pin your hopes too high..Long distant relationships (with old flames) usually do not work out..

 

If you two do meet you may want to be just friends, ride the pony and stay in contact..

 

I agree on both accounts. Though if we worked out, we would end up being bicoastal, and living in both homes. I couldnt stand a LDR with someone I really loved.

 

But, I dont have expectations that are high at all. In fact, they're quite low. I suppose that's why I'm waffling a bit - I feel like it's not worth my time, you know?

 

Then again, as everyone pointed out, it's worth a look for closure, if nothing else.

[Maverick1983]

IMO I think you should definately meet up with him again.It's something that you may live to regret otherwise.You may not feel 100% sure now but that may change when ye see eachother.I know that you are still fond of this other guy(sb) but I think he just isn't your ex so follow your heart and don't think that even after meeting your ex that you will have to settle for him if it's not the same.You can always just politely decline a reunion.I wish you the best and hope you find happiness again.

[daphne]

Daphne - where the hell have you been, honey?! Good to see you.

 

Yep, yep, that's a very logical argument, and makes total sense. Truly only good can come of it.

 

Hey you,

 

Living and dodging douche bags, if truth be known. And passing time with hot 25 year olds who build me back up.

 

Seriously though. You can get past wanting to leave him in his perfect slot. I met up with "the one" and the love was still there, after I think 11 years. I can't explain why, but I knew our time had passed. I have no regrets. We are still friends. I will always love him. Unfortunately, however, I still do hold up all other men to his standard. I recently have come to realize that I will never meet another like him.

 

You just gotta do it. You know you do. You don't have to move in with him, but you need to figure out if there's something still there that's viable.

[Jilly Bean]

IMO I think you should definately meet up with him again.It's something that you may live to regret otherwise.You may not feel 100% sure now but that may change when ye see eachother.I know that you are still fond of this other guy(sb) but I think he just isn't your ex so follow your heart and don't think that even after meeting your ex that you will have to settle for him if it's not the same.You can always just politely decline a reunion.I wish you the best and hope you find happiness again.

 

You're right. Giving him up years ago is still my biggest life regret. I would be foolish to let this go, even if means it closes the door forever.

 

Thanks for the sweet words.

 

Hey you,

 

Living and dodging douche bags, if truth be known. And passing time with hot 25 year olds who build me back up.

 

Seriously though. You can get past wanting to leave him in his perfect slot. I met up with "the one" and the love was still there, after I think 11 years. I can't explain why, but I knew our time had passed. I have no regrets. We are still friends. I will always love him. Unfortunately, however, I still do hold up all other men to his standard. I recently have come to realize that I will never meet another like him.

 

You just gotta do it. You know you do. You don't have to move in with him, but you need to figure out if there's something still there that's viable.

 

 

Ha ha! This is why I've missed you, Daphne. Dodging dbags and shagging 25-year olds - well, you have both sides covered.

 

So, you totally went through the same thing! I hate to think I will end up like that, though - feeling that our time has passed. Though really, I still feel entirely blessed I shared what we had. Most people can only dream of something like that. I had it. Even if I never have it again, and I doubt I will, that memory suffices in a lot of ways. That probably sounds defeatist, doesn't it? Don't mean it to. At the least, like you, I will be reconnecting with a very special old friend.

 

Yes, I will contact him back. He wants to come out in mid-August, so it's still about 3 weeks away. OMG. Three weeks!

[califnan]

As a romantic, I can see where you are coming from .. so much nicer and easier build to someone up and to think sweet thoughts - than to follow through..

 

I would say, when you do give the go-ahead for him to come over - just take it one step and a time..

 

As for current problems in your life, just volunteer info if it arises - or if he acts eager to know.. Remember his life in more involved now too - with two children and a business..

[alphamale]

He wants to come in a few weeks.

 

I don't know what to do.

i don't think u should open pandoras box

[Jilly Bean]

As a romantic, I can see where you are coming from .. so much nicer and easier build to someone up and to think sweet thoughts - than to follow through..

 

I would say, when you do give the go-ahead for him to come over - just take it one step and a time..

 

As for current problems in your life, just volunteer info if it arises - or if he acts eager to know.. Remember his life in more involved now too - with two children and a business..

 

Right!

 

I think I need to have ZERO expectations. Which I genuinely don't. I find most magical things happen in life when you have this attitude.

 

Very true on his life. He also suffered a pretty dramatic health issue years ago, so who knows how that has manifested for him.

 

I think I would approach it on a need to know basis. You know, feel him out, see the vibe... One of the two things on my plate he is aware of, and supportive of, as he knows it relates to my family, and he knows them, and how close we are. So, in a way, it's nice to talk to him about it, as I dont need to explain history - he lived it, and gets it.

 

Sidebar - when I told my folks he was coming out - Mom was very excited, and wants to see him when he comes. Dad? Doesn't believe you can ever go backwards, and doesnt see the point of the visit. lol.

 

Then Mom asked if he would be sleeping with me, or in the guest room, and that was the end of the conversation. lol

 

i don't think u should open pandoras box

 

Why not, Alpha? What's the worst that could really happen?

[califnan]

Your parents are typical .. Your father - wary, and your mother down to earth on the girl stuff ..

[daphne]

You're right. Giving him up years ago is still my biggest life regret. I would be foolish to let this go, even if means it closes the door forever.

 

Thanks for the sweet words.

 

 

 

 

Ha ha! This is why I've missed you, Daphne. Dodging dbags and shagging 25-year olds - well, you have both sides covered.

 

So, you totally went through the same thing! I hate to think I will end up like that, though - feeling that our time has passed. Though really, I still feel entirely blessed I shared what we had. Most people can only dream of something like that. I had it. Even if I never have it again, and I doubt I will, that memory suffices in a lot of ways. That probably sounds defeatist, doesn't it? Don't mean it to. At the least, like you, I will be reconnecting with a very special old friend.

 

Yes, I will contact him back. He wants to come out in mid-August, so it's still about 3 weeks away. OMG. Three weeks!

 

I don't know what precisely shagging entails, but I don't think I'm doing that. More like playing with and considering. Unfortunately though, I'm starting to remember the things I liked about hte last guy which totally defeats the purpose of having a rebound. There are definitely drawbacks to 25 year olds with smokin hot bodies. They're still 25. They drunk dial at 3am.

 

3 weeks gives you plenty of time to wax, mani/pedi, shop. You know you will.

 

I told my ex that we would probably never find anything like what we had together. He was young, he didn't understand what I meant until a few years later. He admitted he had made a mistake in letting me go. It is what it is. I'm not as attracted to him as I once was, so who knows if it was a mistake. I do know that it is really tough to find someone that you are highly compatible with and you get along even when you don't get along. You are fortunate to have had "that thing" whatever it is. True love? I think in my case it was. He's the only ex for whom I want happiness, even if that doesn't include me. That's how much I love him still.

 

It's not defeatist, it's realistic. It's hard to hold other relationships up to the real deal, without them falling short.

 

Holy crap I think I just depressed the hell out of myself. But maybe hanging out with the 25 year old will cheer me up tonight.