Return Of "The One"

[Chinook]

Jilly, you've always given good advice here and you've advised me on a couple of things - not harshly but realistically. You don't need us here to help you make a decision. You shouldn't close the door on this, take a leap of faith in the person he was. But the only thing I would caution you... you guys need to talk and catch up on what life has given you in between then and now. How has it changed you...? You two guys have loved and learned since then. You're different people now. Fall in love with the guy he is now... not the guy he was then (that's if you fall in love at all).

 

Have to say, Mr Chinook & I are very different from when we were at school (we re-connected on FB too) but we're also still the same. The trust, love and friendship is just the same... but we're more rounded, more experienced and more loving. We both got burned by life, so we both started from a point of 'well, lets see where it goes'.

 

We're getting married later this year

 

So, see what happens huh...? The least, you regain a friend. The best, you rekindle and build upon that magical relationship

[Jilly Bean]

I told my ex that we would probably never find anything like what we had together. He was young, he didn't understand what I meant until a few years later. He admitted he had made a mistake in letting me go. It is what it is. I'm not as attracted to him as I once was, so who knows if it was a mistake. I do know that it is really tough to find someone that you are highly compatible with and you get along even when you don't get along. You are fortunate to have had "that thing" whatever it is. True love? I think in my case it was. He's the only ex for whom I want happiness, even if that doesn't include me. That's how much I love him still.

 

You crack me up, Daphne. You have been missed around here.

 

That's exactly how it was. When I left him, I foolishly thought a love like that would come around again - that this kind of thing was pretty common. I was young, and I was stupid, and I was so very, very wrong. Time has taught me that yes, I can, and have, loved other men, and been loved back, too. But, it was never with the same depth and soulmate connection that J and I shared.

 

When we first met, as in, first laid eyes on each other, my thoughts were, "Where have you been? I've been waiting for you for so long!" I really felt like I was running into an old friend - someone who had been very special and important to me. I bypassed the whole, typical, early 20's response of, "Oooh! Hot guy!", because, although technically he was ragingly gorgeous, I didn't take much notice of it.

 

We shared a lot of social compatibility, but at the core, there was a rare and very deep passion and love.

 

you guys need to talk and catch up on what life has given you in between then and now. How has it changed you...? You two guys have loved and learned since then. You're different people now. Fall in love with the guy he is now... not the guy he was then (that's if you fall in love at all).

 

Have to say, Mr Chinook & I are very different from when we were at school (we re-connected on FB too) but we're also still the same. The trust, love and friendship is just the same... but we're more rounded, more experienced and more loving. We both got burned by life, so we both started from a point of 'well, lets see where it goes'.

 

We're getting married later this year

 

So, see what happens huh...? The least, you regain a friend. The best, you rekindle and build upon that magical relationship

 

That's very good advice, Chin. Thank you.

 

I can tell from our emails that we are still basically the same people. Hell, I'm really not much different than I was personality-wise in high school! lol. Our twisted sense of humor still exists, and also our life priorities of career and family. But, as you pointed out - MUCH has happened. He suffered a life-threatening illness a few years after we split (which rocked me to the core, as I remember getting the call the day I did my first triathlon - seemed beyond strange), and I certainly have waged war (and won) with my addiction demons. I get the sense from where he's at right now, that he is feeling some sense of longing for his past, and also some regrets. He has apologized a few times to me for how he acted after we lost the baby. It was that incident that broke us up, actually, and he seems to be well aware of its magnitude and must see that issue as a reconciling point.

 

Dang, girl! So, you also reconnected with an ex on FB! (Facebook - making marriages one page at a time). lol. That is a FABULOUS story, and I love the happy ending for you. You have lived it, and have very sage advice on navigating a reunion. I'm listening, and I suppose I need to figure out what level of vulnerability and openness is comfortable. This man knew EVERYTHING about me, but, I was young - there was less to tell. Still, he saw me at my best, and my absolute worst. No one other person in my life, has been privvy to that level of intimacy. And that says a lot in itself.

 

You post got me a little excited, Chin, I have to say.

 

Oh, and back to Daphne - lasered, standing nail appt every 2.

[shadowplay]

JB, I only see this as a win-win.

 

Best case: You meet, fall madly in love again and ride off into the sunset.

 

Worst case: You meet, there's no spark and you go your separate ways. You feel seriously bummed for a weeks/months, but eventually return to reality and realize that you've finally let him go. You're left with less baggage, because you're no longer eulogizing a past relationship.

 

Out of curiosity, did you break up with him or did he break up with you? And did you guys go full on NC after the break up?

[Jilly Bean]

JB, I only see this as a win-win.

 

Best case: You meet, fall madly in love again and ride off into the sunset.

 

Worst case: You meet, there's no spark and you go your separate ways. You feel seriously bummed for a weeks/months, but eventually return to reality and realize that you've finally let him go. You're left with less baggage, because you're no longer eulogizing a past relationship.

 

Out of curiosity, did you break up with him or did he break up with you? And did you guys go full on NC after the break up?

 

 

Very true, Shadow. Only something good can come from this.

 

I left him. We had been fighting for weeks. We would still have sex every day, but didn't often sleep in the same bed. It was an ugly time, and we were destroying each other. I called a friend who showed up with a moving truck while J was at work, and I moved everything out. I called him before I left the house, and told him I was leaving. He begged me to be there when he got home, said we would go to counseling, but I still left. It had become too painful and we needed to not be together at that time.

 

I moved back to Boston, and he stayed in NYC. We did see each other for about 6 months after that, long distance. Then we went total NC for about a year, until I moved to California. Over the years, we would be in touch from time to time - random email or phone call. But, I would consider it pretty much total NC, as we haven't seen each other in an eternity.

[califnan]

How long has it been -

 

I didn't go back and reread, did he marry ..

[Chinook]

JB, have to say it's difficult to quantify the R myself and Mr have now in comparison to previously... (1) because we were so young and (2) things were so different then. I've been through a lot and so has he. We're both pretty successful. He has two young kids too (not an easy thing to deal with for a singleton). But that said, what and who we are to each other is totally different (but the same) from previously. We both know our history, we both know where we've been (and with who) and we both know what we want. Both of us started out from exactly the place you are now, newly single with no expectations and no real desires for anything to happen.

 

Early August last year he added me to FB because he saw me on a school-friend's page. Through the years, we'd had fleeting conversations at various school reunions or friends' parties. But like you, no substantial contact. Not since we were 16/17. Fairly young huh..?! But those formative years in the dating/love arena are sometimes the most precious as they're the first. Like you, he was one of the only people ever in my life I had shared everything with (and you know how intense teens can be). When we left school we went away to college/Uni etc and lost contact. He got married, I got married, I got ill, we both did well etc.

 

From August last year until around October, he continually asked me for a coffee date and I said no (I was dating a younger guy at the time - only on/off casual dating). He asked about starting our training together (we both run). But I declined. I kinda knew I guess where it would go. Mid October, something happened with the younger guy and either he blew me off or I did him, can never work out who did what. Either way, Mr C decided to take his chance - he texted me to say that he was around the corner from my house and was coming to get me to take me for a drink. He didn't know where I lived at the time, he was taking a wild guess at the vague area I had said I lived! It's a cul-de-sac dead end so I couldn't really avoid him when I told him I was going out! Anyhoo, I relented and that afternoon, I literally fell for him all over again. We spent four hours together, just catching up.

 

That day when I walked away, I knew I'd see him again. I just knew it was more than a drink. I didn't have the full-on gut instinct that something would happen but I sure as heck hoped for it to do so. That weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Monday he text me and asked to meet, I declined because I had a late work meeting, so he tried Tuesday. He met me from work and we went to dinner. By Thursday we were pretty much committed to making a go of seeing each other as a couple.

 

A month later... when we'd spent a lot of time together, I was about to fly to NYC with a girlfriend for the weekend. Our relationship was already by that time, pretty solid. The weekend before flying we had a bottle of wine together, and as you do when drunk... I said 'so then, where's all this going...?' because I had it in my head, that I'm 40 years old now and I'm too old to me messing about. I'd rather know where things are going, if at all. I fully expected him to say some vague guy thing like "I'd just like us to be happy". He didn't. He said... wait for it... "I'd like you to be the new Mrs C". I just about nearly died. Next morning I thought he'd forget but nope... he woke up and smiled at me and said "I remember every word". A month after that, Christmas Eve, he presented me with a ring in the restaurant we were having dinner at. All very very fast I admit. But... you know, when you've been through stuff... and you know yourself pretty well... and you know what you want, then there's no reason to hang around. He and I have never faltered. Not once. We have each other's backs and we're pretty tight. In fact, in just under a year, our relationship is stronger now than it ever was. We're both where we should be, we both believe that.

[Jilly Bean]

Chin - I did not realize you were HS sweethearts!!! That is SUCH an amazing story, and I think, more common that people think. There's something about going out in the world, living a life, and then ending up with someone who came from where you did. Somehow it brings it all full circle.

 

I'm going to keep my feet on the ground with this for now, and see how it goes when he visits. Like you said, and others, lots has happened to both of us since we were a couple and in love. I truly will turn this over to the Universe. Either this is happening because it's "our time", or there's simply a lesson in it. Eyes are open...

[D-Lish]

Let's go to FL and sit on the beach for a week and decide what I should do, OK?

 

I missed this post! Sounds good to me!

 

Sounds like we both need a vacay!

[TOWinNYC]

Regardless, we had a magical relationship. We both always felt we were true soulmates. I never had more fun, and more comfort, and more passion with any man in my life.

 

Jilly,

I've said this before on LS and I'll say it again - once magic touches you, it changes you forever.

 

If it's meant to be, it will work out. When you meet each other, it will feel like no time had passed at all. The connection will be seamless and everything will fall into place (although in my case there have been hiccups along the way ).

 

I've felt that magic only *once* in my life and I am so grateful my SO never gave up on me. And I understand the fear - extremely well. But nonetheless.....

 

DO IT.

[2sunny]

i think if you don't at least try - you will always regret it.

 

be yourself Jilly. he loved you once and you loved him. life has changed for BOTH of you. see what that looks like.

 

if he offers to see you more often - he can offer to fly you back and forth every week or so... or he can come to you.

 

even then - something great is better than nothing at all.

 

it might be wonderful. you won't know if you don try - so quit road blocking your chance for fun with a dear friend! go for it... see how it goes.

[Jilly Bean]

I missed this post! Sounds good to me!

 

Sounds like we both need a vacay!

 

Oy, do I.

 

Jilly,

I've said this before on LS and I'll say it again - once magic touches you, it changes you forever.

 

If it's meant to be, it will work out. When you meet each other, it will feel like no time had passed at all. The connection will be seamless and everything will fall into place (although in my case there have been hiccups along the way ).

 

Ha! I somehow always thought it would be like that.

 

it might be wonderful. you won't know if you don try - so quit road blocking your chance for fun with a dear friend! go for it... see how it goes.

 

Sunny - are you suggesting that I'm cock-blocking myself?

 

I did write him back that the dates he offered are good. Gulp. I guess I'm in!

[2sunny]

someday i will share how my situation which is similar to yours played out. for now, enjoy!

 

btw - the time that had passed for me and my "one" was 25 years.

 

when he comes to visit - just relax and have a great time knowing it's always awesome to see our loved ones.

 

at least he's willing to make the effort! that's a great sign right from the start.

 

remember - he has kids now - his schedule and demands need to keep them in mind too.

[daphne]

You crack me up, Daphne. You have been missed around here.

 

That's exactly how it was. When I left him, I foolishly thought a love like that would come around again - that this kind of thing was pretty common. I was young, and I was stupid, and I was so very, very wrong. Time has taught me that yes, I can, and have, loved other men, and been loved back, too. But, it was never with the same depth and soulmate connection that J and I shared.

 

When we first met, as in, first laid eyes on each other, my thoughts were, "Where have you been? I've been waiting for you for so long!" I really felt like I was running into an old friend - someone who had been very special and important to me. I bypassed the whole, typical, early 20's response of, "Oooh! Hot guy!", because, although technically he was ragingly gorgeous, I didn't take much notice of it.

 

We shared a lot of social compatibility, but at the core, there was a rare and very deep passion and love.

 

 

I am wondering why you didn't try to work it out at the time. Can you remember how you felt? Are you just forgetting the bad things about what happened? Was he insensitive? Or do you think you had a knee jerk reaction? Time sometimes makes us forget the worst things and romanticize it because we don't have something going on. Just make sure you didn't forget that he was a super a$$ when you had the miscarriage, as opposed to making foolish young mistakes.

[Jilly Bean]

I am wondering why you didn't try to work it out at the time. Can you remember how you felt? Are you just forgetting the bad things about what happened? Was he insensitive? Or do you think you had a knee jerk reaction? Time sometimes makes us forget the worst things and romanticize it because we don't have something going on. Just make sure you didn't forget that he was a super a$$ when you had the miscarriage, as opposed to making foolish young mistakes.

 

What? Romanticizing what? Not having something else going on? What? Being a super ass? Insensitive? What? Where is all of this coming from? None of it is reality, Daphe, and I don't know where you came up with this stuff. lol

 

I was very young, and fell into a deep post-partum that I was unaware of at the time. He would go to work, and I would lie in bed all day watching Oprah or sitting in the park. About an hour before he would get home, I would get up, dress, and make dinner. He had NO idea this was going on with my days. This went on for months, until it really took a toll on us.

 

As far as losing the baby, we were both way too young to understand what was going on, and definitely lacked the communication skills to handle it. I truly had no clue that anything was wrong with ME, so I wasn't in a position to share my feelings, because I wasn't in tune with them. I don't even think I knew I was unhappy, and blamed him for but I do remember blaming him for my mood, and reacted by picking fights with him. I was completely out of touch emotionally with myself, and was for many years on this issue, actually. It took me a LONG time to reconcile losing our baby. I carried a lot of guilt and profound sadness and regret. A woman losing a baby loses a part of herself. In this case, I felt that WE died with the baby. He knew something was wrong with me, but took it personally as if he was failing me in some way because he couldn't make me happy anymore. He grew frustrated, because he couldn't figure out what happened to his vibrant, social, happy girlfriend. So, we started fighting constantly. Rather than share with each other on it, we were both too inexperienced to know how impactful the miscarriage was to our relationship.

 

I will say that everytime we have been in contact since splitting, he brings up the baby. And I have NEVER engaged with him on the issue. EVER. He brought it up a few weeks ago, actually.

 

Wow. I just realized we've never talked about this. Damn. That's not going to be pleasant...

[Jilly Bean]

someday i will share how my situation which is similar to yours played out. for now, enjoy!

 

btw - the time that had passed for me and my "one" was 25 years.

 

when he comes to visit - just relax and have a great time knowing it's always awesome to see our loved ones.

 

at least he's willing to make the effort! that's a great sign right from the start.

 

remember - he has kids now - his schedule and demands need to keep them in mind too.

 

 

Yes, please do, Sunny! I miss our private chats.

 

I guess it is a good sign - lol. Never occured to me that it would go any other way. ha ha! He always made the big gestures, though.

[2sunny]

oooooh, i'm excited for you! when is he coming?

[Jilly Bean]

oooooh, i'm excited for you! when is he coming?

 

About three weeks!

 

He gave me a few dates, and I picked a set, then told him to just let me know his travel plans.

 

I don't want to over-engage in advance...

[2sunny]

About three weeks!

 

He gave me a few dates, and I picked a set, then told him to just let me know his travel plans.

 

I don't want to over-engage in advance...

 

i can understand but you MUST let your guard down when he arrives. tell him YOUR truth. if you are guarded to telling what happened with you at that time - it may harm your intimacy level and the possibilities that healing can begin.

 

he may have been left wondering all these years what HE did wrong... for him to know that you were emotionally unavailable at that stage of your time together may help him understand what happened. for him to be left wondering is only keeping your truth from him - and that's not right since he was a partner in that situation.

 

own your part in what happened. apologize for it - since it may have cause him some pain and confusion then be sure to set things right for him.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know how I missed this thread!

 

This story is incredibly romantic! I reconnected with my "first" everything (ahem!) via MySpace back in...2006. It was such a rush, like a fairytale. It was intense. And it ended. But I don't regret it for a second. I still have a picture we took on the ferris wheel at SM pier... Ahh. Love. Ain't it grand.

 

I say go for it. What have you got to lose?

[Jilly Bean]

i can understand but you MUST let your guard down when he arrives. tell him YOUR truth. if you are guarded to telling what happened with you at that time - it may harm your intimacy level and the possibilities that healing can begin.

 

he may have been left wondering all these years what HE did wrong... for him to know that you were emotionally unavailable at that stage of your time together may help him understand what happened. for him to be left wondering is only keeping your truth from him - and that's not right since he was a partner in that situation.

 

own your part in what happened. apologize for it - since it may have cause him some pain and confusion then be sure to set things right for him.

 

I hear ya, Sunny. And Im sure when hes here, Ill be a marshmellow. lol

 

I think he gets what happened to us. As I wrote in my response to Daphne, hes brought up the baby in every conversation since then. And I have duly ignored it each time. I think he blames himself for not getting it then, as much as I blame myself for not getting it, either.

 

This is what he wrote me a few weeks ago about this:

 

Early on I had little appreciation for true gifts in life. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry we lost our baby...

So, Im more than certain this wound will be ripped open, and subsequently cleansed.

 

You just cant imagine how long and how deeply I suffered over this. On my own. Without him. I almost, and I know this isnt fair, resent him (in advance) for forcing me to "go there" again, but it's clear we will, and have to. It's our pink elephant. I'm just not looking forward to it. It's going to open a swarm of pain...

[2sunny]

I hear ya, Sunny. And Im sure when hes here, Ill be a marshmellow. lol

 

I think he gets what happened to us. As I wrote in my response to Daphne, hes brought up the baby in every conversation since then. And I have duly ignored it each time. I think he blames himself for not getting it then, as much as I blame myself for not getting it, either.

 

This is what he wrote me a few weeks ago about this:

 

Early on I had little appreciation for true gifts in life. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry we lost our baby...

So, Im more than certain this wound will be ripped open, and subsequently cleansed.

 

You just cant imagine how long and how deeply I suffered over this. On my own. Without him. I almost, and I know this isnt fair, resent him (in advance) for forcing me to "go there" again, but it's clear we will, and have to. It's our pink elephant. I'm just not looking forward to it. It's going to open a swarm of pain...

 

when we face what we fear most, and become WILLING to walk through it to the other side - we come to understand that we can finally be free.

 

walk through the fear to the other side Jilly - it's totally worth the freedom you will feel afterwards. it will no longer take up the space in your head. the fear and resentment will disappear. you will be free.

[Jilly Bean]

when we face what we fear most, and become WILLING to walk through it to the other side - we come to understand that we can finally be free.

 

walk through the fear to the other side Jilly - it's totally worth the freedom you will feel afterwards. it will no longer take up the space in your head. the fear and resentment will disappear. you will be free.

 

Oh, I don't fear any of it, Sunny. And it doesn't take space in my head, either, nor does it keep me from being free in any way. It was a very long time ago, and I reconciled it after doing a lot of hard work.

 

It's just not something I care to relive, you know? It's been put away, and I like to keep it there. But, I know it's something we'll need to discuss, as it greatly affected us as a couple. I just could do without dredging it up... lol

[2sunny]

Oh, I don't fear any of it, Sunny. And it doesn't take space in my head, either, nor does it keep me from being free in any way. It was a very long time ago, and I reconciled it after doing a lot of hard work.

 

It's just not something I care to relive, you know? It's been put away, and I like to keep it there. But, I know it's something we'll need to discuss, as it greatly affected us as a couple. I just could do without dredging it up... lol

 

i'm happy to know you haven't carried this around with you any longer than was necessary.

 

for him, and to give him the peace of mind he is obviously looking for from you, yes, i'm sure you will both discuss it. it still weighs heavily on his mind - otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up to you at all.

 

this is a good way that you can give him some info he may have been looking for or wondering about for a long time. the part you played in it may be critical for his peace of mind. it's good you are willing to have the discussion with him now that he's asking.

[Jilly Bean]

i'm happy to know you haven't carried this around with you any longer than was necessary.

 

for him, and to give him the peace of mind he is obviously looking for from you, yes, i'm sure you will both discuss it. it still weighs heavily on his mind - otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up to you at all.

 

this is a good way that you can give him some info he may have been looking for or wondering about for a long time. the part you played in it may be critical for his peace of mind. it's good you are willing to have the discussion with him now that he's asking.

 

Yeah, it's like he wants to make peace with it, always did, I suppose. I guess that since I already made peace on my own, I'm reluctant to open it up again. But, I think if we are to have any kind of future, whether as lovers or friends, we need to talk about this before moving on.

 

Just brings me back to a rather dark time I'd rather not relive too intensely...

[Art_Critic]

On a lighter note.. maybe you will get a chance to see his dinkle.. ( I just was looking for any reason to use D-lish's word )