My Birthday - is this reasonable?

[ladyangel]

Hi everyone. I'm new here and I hope you will accept me as you've obviously accepted so many newbies. This seems like a great site to get honest opinions on lots of topics. I hope you don't think mine is too selfish.

 

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, with the usual ups and downs but overall a rather happy marriage. He does a lot for me and I do a lot for him; we know we love each other and are committed for life, etc.

 

Well, today is my birthday. This weekend my best friend, my sister, my niece and my soon-to-be daughter-in-law took me to lunch at a really neat Tea Room, a lovely girls only luncheon, to celebrate my birthday.

 

My husband had not mentioned anything to me about what "we" were doing for my birthday, so last night I finally asked him, since we usually have a family dinner with our sons on birthdays. I know him, and he's not much of a planner. He informed me that he was taking just me to dinner because the place he had in mind was pretty expensive and he didn't want to spend a lot of money. So I said that's fine. I wanted to know where we were going so I would know how to dress, what time to be ready, and all that, since we will probably have to leave shortly after he gets home from work. He finally told me. Not like it was a big secret, I guess it just hadn't occurred to him that I needed to know these things.

 

Well, he gets up and leaves for work early in the morning and I don't even wake up because I'm a sound sleeper and I don't have to get up until later. He got up and left as usual this morning.

 

Maybe I am expecting too much, but when I got up I thought there might be at least a card or a note saying "Happy Birthday" or something...but there was nothing. And here I sit at 12:30 in the afternoon (yes, he knew I would be here) and I have not even received a phone call from him...nothing.

 

The more time goes on, the more depressed I get about this. I mean, I know we are going to celebrate tonight, but it's kind of a strange feeling to go all day and not have your loved one wish you a happy birthday. I've gotten a few cards in the mail from my out-of-town relatives and some on-line cards from friends, and that cheered me up a bit.

 

Tell me what you think. Do you think I'm being reasonable expecting more from my husband? Or am I acting like a spoiled brat?

[Benedict]

Do you think I'm being reasonable expecting more from my husband? Or am I acting like a spoiled brat?

 

More the former than the latter, I think. My personal belief is that birthdays are special. Primarily because everyone gets Christmas or Valentine's Day or whatever else. Birthdays are just for you. I tend to celebrate them and look forward to them for that reason.

 

My wife, on the other hand... does not think so much about birthdays. I remember one or two that I had to remind her to say "Happy Birthday". We laughed about it. Thing is: I could get upset or hurt about it, but what good would that do me? She knows how I feel and she makes an honest (I believe) attempt to honor that. Sometimes she falls a little short, that's all. She sure has a lot of other great things going for her that it seems minor to me.

 

So, I agree with you: birthdays are very special. Maybe he just doesn't feel as strongly about it as you and I do. Sounds like everything else is good for you.

[quankanne]

guys can be funny about special dates -- you expect them to remember, and then they don't. So you expect them to not pay attention, then they throw you for a loop and do something that's so incredibly sweet/thoughtful that you feel like a meanie for having those unkind thoughts about your "forgetful" man, you know?

 

it's understandable to feel slighted on your special day, but don't put too much stock into his not remembering ... at least not right away. He might have something incredibly awesome planned for tonight, but doesn't want to give away anything just yet; he might be a bit sidetracked, but still planning to do something sweet; or he might actually be the big jerk you're thinking that he is. Chances, it's something between those two extremes, if your relationship is like every other marriage out there: he's remembered, but isn't prone to making a big deal out of it.

 

if you guys have a comfortable enough relationship where you can tease him about it, do so, but in a kind way. sometimes husbands need a little bit of prompting because they're just not sure what you're hoping from them, or they are hesitant to do something because they don't want to disappoint you. mine doesn't normally do anything for Valentine's Day because I've never really made a big deal of it. this year, though, I told him I wanted to do something special that didn't involve going out to eat (something we do on a weekly basis). last I've heard, he's taking me someplace to "scope out stuff" for the house we're building ... not really romantic, but for him, definitely a move in the right direction, telling me that he's committed to this project in a way I hoped he would be.

 

so don't be afraid to talk to your guy. if you feel a little down about not being remembered, let him know. chances are, he doesn't realize how important it is to you. besides, that might score you a really nice "goody," like a bottle of wine you like or (better yet) some upper-scale chocolates, or something equally nice.

 

by the way, happy 23rd!

quank

[Roxie603]

I don't think you are a spoiled brat for feeling the way you may be feeling. My husband is the same way, on my birthday and other major holidays I don't normally get a "in the middle" of the day recognition.

I’ve learned to accept that’s the way he is and focus on the positive which in your case is a nice “romantic” dinner for two this evening. Put some extra energy into getting ready and being happy and try not to worry about not getting a little AM note or mid day phone call.

Women have to be a little stronger and more understanding then men are in certain areas and this is one of them. When it’s our feelings and emotions unfortunately men don’t seem to completely understand how we are wired. They try and we have to give them credit for that.

Have a great birthday dinner with your husband tonight and don’t ponder on this. Don’t let it ruin your time together.

 

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

~Lisa~

[ladyangel]

Thanks so much to everybody who responded to my post. And you all made a lot of sense in everything you said. It gave me more perspective too. I don't think my husband is a jerk at all and I know he has a special evening planned for tonight because he's like that. I was just feeling sorry for myself that he hasn't told me Happy Birthday yet, which is kind of silly now that I think about it. I'm sure he's just busy at work and plans to tell me when he gets home. And he's always good about buying me a nice gift, so I have no reason to believe this year will be any different.

 

Wow, it's nice to have such a kind place to come to vent or (hopefully) offer someone some advice when they need it.

 

Thanks again!

 

And Quank, I don't know where you got the idea that I'm 23 -- I WISH!!

[quankanne]

I figured it was a "good" year for a lot of us

 

a friend of ours has a birthday today, also. He's a young thing, only 26, but he likes to tell people that he's "celebrating the fifth anniversary of his 21st birthday," as if 26 was old!

[ConfusedSoul]

I think he should at least gave you a card. My husband is great at birthday suprizes he makes me breakfest and bed and all that. but some men have there own different ways Id just mention it to him that it kind of upset you/