My Story

[Wilie]

Married Sept 03, Separated Jan 25,08 Me:37 Her:39

Marriage in beginning was wonderful,we did everything together. In Nov of 07, due to a medical condition she

started taking "yaz". Horrible side effects.She was also working 3rd shift. About this time, i got laid off

from my job, spent alot of time on computer,reading, and generally neglected her emotionaly.

On Jan 25th 08, (Day before my BDay) she says she wants me to leave. I do not drink,or do drugs, i dont

womanize or hit the bars or titty clubs. After asking why, she says "because she does not want to lose her

children".(Stepsons to me, 14 and 18 at the time). I was shocked to say the least,i treated these kids as my

own after 5 years. They didnt like me, since i was the one who set rules and chores. Nothing unreasonable,

doing dishes, taking the trash out, bedtime on school nights kinda stuff. Never hit them at all.

So i left, went back to my state, 5 hours away from her, and went No Contact. Last contact was Feb 14th,08.

I went into depression i am sure, but fought it by keeping myself busy, working, i joined the National Guard

(At 38yo!), went to school to work on a BA.

After spending a year in the guard,i was released back to my state. I decided to close that chapter of my

life, and filed for divorce. I had remained single all this time as i still considered myself married,just

told people i was going through a divorce. My lawyer sent her papers, and then i get a email from her asking

me to contact her. So, i call her. She says she does not want a divorce, she still loves me, but will give me

one if i want it, but she wants to reconcilation. I say it is possible. She drives 5 hours to come spend time

with me, she apoligizes,says she made a mistake, we have sex, profess that we still have love for each other.

Met twice more, everything good. Talking on phone daily now,sending emails also.

Just wanted to contribute to this site, as i been reading here about 2 weeks now as i sit and debate the matter in my head as to the next step.

 

Thankyou,

[solitary_man]

whoa... i guess it's just conditioning from all the posts I read here, but I seriously did not see that coming. Cheers to you, Willie. As a kid that grew up with (what i considered) a strict step-father, I love him now like my 2nd father and never hesitate to call him dad. They may not appreciate you now, but some day they will, I bet.

 

And steer clear of those titty clubs.

[Wilie]

Thankyou SM,

 

That's what i think also, someday, they will know the angst of being a good step-parent. It felt really good to have the apoligy from her, and it felt really good knowing the oldest ( now 21 ) has grown into a fine young man. Youngest (17) is really the problem now, since he has alot of resentment still towards me, but i am sure someday he to will learn and mature and realize i was just giving some boundries that were normal.

 

Thanks

[solitary_man]

Thankyou SM,

 

That's what i think also, someday, they will know the angst of being a good step-parent. It felt really good to have the apoligy from her, and it felt really good knowing the oldest ( now 21 ) has grown into a fine young man. Youngest (17) is really the problem now, since he has alot of resentment still towards me, but i am sure someday he to will learn and mature and realize i was just giving some boundries that were normal.

 

Thanks

 

you're welcome, bro. Best of luck to you and the wife.

[hopesndreams]

She says she does not want a divorce, she still loves me, but will give me

one if i want it, but she wants to reconcilation. I say it is possible. She drives 5 hours to come spend time

with me, she apoligizes,says she made a mistake, we have sex, profess that we still have love for each other.

Met twice more, everything good. Talking on phone daily now,sending emails also.

 

She found out, the hard way, that the grass isn't greener. You ok with that?

[Wilie]

Yes, i am ok with that. Was not a situation of another person involved, was a problem of communication and attentiveness. Now that we have BOTH had 2 1/2 years to reflect and improve ourselves we both know what we miss, and what we want in each other. She expressed alot of improvement and a desire for the marriage to work, so we will take it slow, and probably make a appointment with a MC to make sure we stay on track. Time will tell....

 

thankyou...

[hurt and devastated]

I have to agree with Solitary. I had to read your post twice for it to sink in. That's really a breath of fresh air to see both partners wanting to get back together. Hopefully, this time for you it will last forever. Please keep us updated on how things are going.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, i am ok with that. Was not a situation of another person involved, was a problem of communication and attentiveness. Now that we have BOTH had 2 1/2 years to reflect and improve ourselves we both know what we miss, and what we want in each other. She expressed alot of improvement and a desire for the marriage to work, so we will take it slow, and probably make a appointment with a MC to make sure we stay on track. Time will tell....

 

thankyou...

 

Seriously? Ok, you have had time to reflect on your own. What about your W? How did she reflect? Since she was the one that initiated a separation.

 

Or, is it ok for her to reflect while reflecting with someone else?

[heartbrokensj]

Willie,

 

Thanks for posting your story with here on LS. It inspires and gives me hope for my own situation.

[Wilie]

Seriously? Ok, you have had time to reflect on your own. What about your W? How did she reflect? Since she was the one that initiated a separation.

 

Or, is it ok for her to reflect while reflecting with someone else?[/quote/]

 

Yes, i have spent 2 1/2 years "reflecting" while going to school and serving in active army. I know what i want, and i know how to be a better spouse. And, she was not with someone else... All i will say without getting into detail is i am satisfied with what she is doing, has done, and what she has said for the future, which fits my requirements for me to be happy with our reconciliation. All we know at this point, is two grown adults have made a decision to work together to save a our marriage, which we both consider that it is worth saving. It might not, but if we head down the divorce road again, at least we know that we tried 100%, which i feel is better then just walking away without trying...

 

Thankyou....

[What_Next]

Willie as you see it is very easy for those that have had their marriages fail for one reason or another to give you every reason to end it. I see it again and again here on LS.

 

You have your own reasons and motivations and kudos to you. You have a mountain to climb ahead of you, but it can be done. Not in every case but it can be done.

[Wilie]

H&D,

 

Thankyou for your reply, I will keep the board posted, however good or bad the situation turns out.

 

Thankyou...

[Woggle]

If you take her back she will do this again.

[hopesndreams]

If you take her back she will do this again.

 

Take heed.

 

You need to know her reason for ending it in the first place.

[hopesndreams]

Willie as you see it is very easy for those that have had their marriages fail for one reason or another to give you every reason to end it. I see it again and again here on LS.

 

You have your own reasons and motivations and kudos to you. You have a mountain to climb ahead of you, but it can be done. Not in every case but it can be done.

 

Why climb mountains? It can be lonely at the top.

 

There you are at the summit. You turn around, and she's not there. She barely made it half way up the climb. I wonder what distracted her.

[Wilie]

Heartsbrokensj,

 

I am sorry to read of your situtation. I can only relate my experiance, which is to say keep busy, improve your life through whatever means you can. My situation was no contact for 2 1/2 years, so i am very surprised to say the least that my wife initiated contact. Her exact words were "reading the divorce papers was like someone slapping her in the face and it woke me up". So, maybe theres hope after the anger and such fades away. Good luck to you,

 

Thankyou....

[Wilie]

Willie as you see it is very easy for those that have had their marriages fail for one reason or another to give you every reason to end it. I see it again and again here on LS.

 

You have your own reasons and motivations and kudos to you. You have a mountain to climb ahead of you, but it can be done. Not in every case but it can be done.

 

Yes What_Next,

 

I am seeing the negativity already but that is ok. i just wanted to put my situation out there for some to see, for good or for bad in the end. It may work out, and it may not work out, but at least the both of us tried 100%, which we have never had the chance to do before since we went no contact so fast. I will drop in now and again, and keep the board updated for someone who is in some similar situation that is looking for information, as i been doing here the last 2 weeks.

 

Thankyou,

[redfeather]

I am an Army Officer in a similiar situation, but my situation is only a month old, and my wife and I are going to a MC which helps alot. I have been deployed since Jan 2006 until now, and 4 years of geograpical bachelor time puts alot of strain on any marriage. I come off active duty in 60 days, and I go back to being a reserve guy doing my one weekend per month...this will help my situation alot. I hang out here to read the posts, and to get mentored by others that have already been there and done that. Anyway, great to read your post because it gives good insight into what right looks like. I never use the words good luck because I do not leave things to Luck...I always say Success Always...stay the course...you will do fine.

[What_Next]

Wilie, as I said there are a LARGE number of LS posters that have been down a very nasty road in their marriages. They are very bitter and as a result they will assure you that your marriage is doomed.

 

Listen to them to a certain degree, but make your own decision.

 

As for the mountain that hopesndreams would like you to stay at the foot of? I'm on my way up and I've left ropes along the way. Feel free to join me. Or try and cut the ropes of those who would climb. Again your choice

[heartbrokensj]

Heartsbrokensj,

 

I am sorry to read of your situtation. I can only relate my experiance, which is to say keep busy, improve your life through whatever means you can. My situation was no contact for 2 1/2 years, so i am very surprised to say the least that my wife initiated contact. Her exact words were "reading the divorce papers was like someone slapping her in the face and it woke me up". So, maybe theres hope after the anger and such fades away. Good luck to you,

 

Thankyou....

 

 

Wilie, thank you for your words of encouragement and advice you have given me.....i am starting to see that my husband is starting to let those walls of anger down and fade away by the little things he says and does...I have been keeping myself busy and trying to move forward, reflecting on myself spending time with my daugther and working on the things about myself I wish to change. Please keep us posted on your reconciliation with your wife....wishing you both the road to a successful reunion to bring about an even happier, joyful, fulfilling marriage than you both could ever hope for!

Edited July 25, 2010 by heartbrokensj
typos

[Wilie]

Hello,

Wife came up with the two boys. Got here on Thursday @ 10:30pm and left Sunday @ 2pm. One 21 now, very

mature and educated. Other one (17yo) pretty much did not want to see me and wouldnt say a word to me. Was

pissed off at his mother because she slept with me, and repeatedly stated to her he wanted to "go home". He

was not forced to come but he at the last minute wanted to come along with her along with one of his freinds.

His second evening here he did not want to sleep here so she let all three leave and get a hotel room. Third

overnite she would not pay for another hotel room just because he didnt want to stay here. (I let them sleep

in the 4 person 28ft RV so they would not have to stay in the house the whole time they were here.)

The time spent with the wife was good. We had some fun, i showed her some things around where i live, and i

fixed some things that were wrong with her car. We had two instances of problems, one was she got upset

because i didnt pay attention when she was showing me some papers, and another instance where i got alittle

pissed seeing her texting with her sons phone and she hid the text when i got close to her. She stated she

was texting her youngest son her who was writing some pretty nasty stuff about me to his brother. We had

agreed that we are to have no secrets, no lies, nothing hidden between us, so i felt this was a breach.

We were able to smooth things over through talking, she stated that her oldest felt she was wrong to not show

me,so she said sorry and it wouldnt happen again, although i never did see the text in the end.

She was to leave on Saturday evening, @ 2am, but she changed her plans after my family planned a cookout and

basically agreed to stay until Sunday @ 5pm. I was glad to see i had some more time with her, so Sunday

morning we went out to buy the food and such at the supermarket. When we returned, her youngest one stated

her he wanted to go home "NOW!!". Said he had summer school homework to do. So, after about 20 minutes of

finishing up some last minute cooking things(she had promised one of my family members to make some salad, so

she did before leaving) off they went, never did go to the cookout,leaving 3 hours earlier then planned. Not

a big deal for me, but again, i did not like the fact that she changed her plans yet again. (The 4 other

vists were all cut short due to various reasons concerning the 17yo)

 

So, i am left thinking of what i want, not sure of what questions to ask myself. I see that some things

have not changed, she basically does what her children want her to, which was 90% of the problem for me

before we separated. Her current plan is to stay where she is now for another year, till the youngest

graduates high school (as he does not want to change schools) then he wants to join the military. I think we

definately need to see a MC, as i have some trust issues popping up and i am not sure of anything. This has

thrown me mentally back into turmoil. I am concerned of being treated like a doormat, or as a backup plan for whatever reason. I also has the divorce case dismissed on July 30, as i think it better not to be divorced as we try to work on things.

 

Thanks for listening,.. Willie

[Nortishere]

Reading the start of this, i was thinking "GREAT! a story that had a good ending"

 

By the end though i see that it still is up in the air. I would say definetly goto a counselor, if not with her then by yourself. Trust issues are hard to overcome, the longer they go on the more you are going to find reasons not to trust her. Especially if she wont communicate with you or try to be understanding that there is that breach of trust that she will need to work with you on. She has to be willing to be transparent in her life and her actions to show you she may be trusted or you will continously find yourself coming back to the same point and not making progress in the marriage. I've been there and mine was never willing to work with me after she broke the trust. For her it was "it happened, get over it and deal with it" but you its not something you can just deal with. takes work from both sides.

[pinkp]

Reading the start of this, i was thinking "GREAT! a story that had a good ending"

 

By the end though i see that it still is up in the air. I would say definetly goto a counselor, if not with her then by yourself. Trust issues are hard to overcome, the longer they go on the more you are going to find reasons not to trust her. Especially if she wont communicate with you or try to be understanding that there is that breach of trust that she will need to work with you on. She has to be willing to be transparent in her life and her actions to show you she may be trusted or you will continously find yourself coming back to the same point and not making progress in the marriage. I've been there and mine was never willing to work with me after she broke the trust. For her it was "it happened, get over it and deal with it" but you its not something you can just deal with. takes work from both sides.

 

I thought the same thing. But if she isnt willing to bend a little not even try counselinf I wouldnt give her the time of day. Why should you if she wont met you half way ? And she messed up ! Thats not fair to you. I wish you luck though. It's tough out here.

[Wilie]

Thanks for the responses. Will keep the board updated, and i am now looking for a MC now to make an appointment to get my head unscrewed.

 

thankyou, Willie

[trippi1432]

Willie,

 

I just came upon your story and I have to say that you should not give up on your wife just because her 17 year old is having a difficult time of it. I will tell you this as a mother who has done far too much for her children who never appreciated anything I did or my ex did. Children...and I say it here for all the LS folks....are fickle. When they hit those independent years....you go through hell and high-water to make things right...you are either too strict or too lenient. There seems to be no middle ground. Then you throw a marriage to someone who is not their father on top....well, have any of us not seen our own children turn into martyrs?

 

I am a person who always said that children are first.....I learned in Al-Anon that this is not the right perspective...if I am not well and taking care of myself, how can I take care of them? Your wife is still in caretaker mode. She is a mother, first and foremost....in less than two years, where will she be then? I would say that she didn't share the text so you wouldn't be upset...think about it...which is the lesser of the two evils when you are in the middle and playing ref? That is where your wife is...in the middle, her heart being pulled one way for her child and her heart being pulled another for you. It takes a man to close the distance and my bets are on you since the son does not have the maturity to see that. Don't get me wrong, she has some stepping up to do also, but patience is the key.