Author Wilie Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Willie, When they hit those independent years....you go through hell and high-water to make things right...you are either too strict or too lenient. There seems to be no middle ground. Then you throw a marriage to someone who is not their father on top....well, have any of us not seen our own children turn into martyrs? She is for sure, to lenient. They actually CONTROL her. I am a person who always said that children are first.....I learned in Al-Anon that this is not the right perspective...if I am not well and taking care of myself, how can I take care of them? Your wife is still in caretaker mode. She is a mother, first and foremost....in less than two years, where will she be then? . I myself asked her that same question when issues have arose. Where/what is she going to do when they have flown the nest. I get/got the "deer in the headlights" look. Al-Anon,maybe i could suggest she go there. I actually begged her to go talk to a priest, thinking she would/might actually believe them if no one else. I would say that she didn't share the text so you wouldn't be upset...think about it...which is the lesser of the two evils when you are in the middle and playing ref? That is where your wife is...in the middle, her heart being pulled one way for her child and her heart being pulled another for you. It takes a man to close the distance and my bets are on you since the son does not have the maturity to see that. Don't get me wrong, she has some stepping up to do also, but patience is the key. I am trying.. hard. For me, the answers seem easy, but i am not wearing the shoe so to speak. And, i have said exactly that to her, i know she is straddling the fence, trying to keep them and me happy. Which is why i was fine with her staying another year where she is, so the 17yo can graduate and get into the military which is his current goal, and it allows us to move slowly. trippi, I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful response to my situation. Thankyou, Willie Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 She is for sure, to lenient. They actually CONTROL her. That is certain...children will do that as they get older....they kick and scream for independence, yet they want to be dependent. I see that in my own son, he's actually been moving in that direction for a couple of years before his father and I split up. She shouldn't let him dictate to her, but as much as you want to help her, you're not going to make her see it, she has to do that for herself. I myself asked her that same question when issues have arose. Where/what is she going to do when they have flown the nest. I get/got the "deer in the headlights" look. Al-Anon,maybe i could suggest she go there. I actually begged her to go talk to a priest, thinking she would/might actually believe them if no one else. Just to let you know, Al-Anon is for people (men and/or women) who are trying to recover from dealing with a family member who is or was an alcoholic. AA is for people trying to recover from alcoholism. If she had a parent, a sibling or a partner that was an alcoholic, then it could be beneficial to her. If not, then talking with a therapist may help her put things into perspective when it comes to dealing with her son. Obviously, she has a hard time saying "no" to her son...yes, I am guilty of that as well. I've learned through counseling that it's okay to be compassionate, but not to your own detriment. We all are deserving of happiness and sometimes that means being able to say NO to anyone who imposes an unhealthy risk to our health and our mental well-being. I know you aren't going to like hearing this BUT....you may not be the one to make her see that....and that is not the position you want to be in. You can tell her all day long what you see, but it puts you in the middle. You only have the power to control yourself, your actions and your reactions. The more self-control you exhibit towards her and her son, the more she will see positive influence in you. I am trying.. hard. For me, the answers seem easy, but i am not wearing the shoe so to speak. And, i have said exactly that to her, i know she is straddling the fence, trying to keep them and me happy. Which is why i was fine with her staying another year where she is, so the 17yo can graduate and get into the military which is his current goal, and it allows us to move slowly. If that is the support you can give her right now, then you are doing the best you can. You aren't giving up but you aren't giving in either. If you have the patience to stay your ground for now and take things in stride, then you are in the right mindset. There is no need to rush things and no need to put yourself in the middle. It sounds like you both have hit that plateau in your relationship where you are each seeing the other despite the outside influences. Eventually there will just be the two of you, it doesn't sound like either of you want to do that alone and are finding each other again after a couple of years apart. trippi, I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful response to my situation. Thankyou, Willie (See bolded comments above) You are most welcome Willie, I do hope it has been some help. As What_Next stated in his post, there are many here who will bring up the bad....it's easy to let your mind go there, but it takes an insightful and strong man to assess the situation and apply what he knows in his heart. Only you know her...none of us do, only you know what you want and what you need to do to get there....none of us here on LS can do that for you. Take what you can from posts here, but do what you know is right for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 That the two of you are considering reconciliation after such a long time, and didn't have affairs is truly amazing. There's a lot of hope for your marriage right there. An astonishing amount, actually. The younger son resents you. For leaving, for being strict when you were there, for trying to be the man of the house and take care of mom, for being a teenager at that tender age when they don't want another authority figure moving into the house. How about taking this reconciliation slow? Dating, weekends like you did. If you take 6 months to a year to go 24/7 again as a married couple, that younger son will be enlisting. That issue of contention will be much lesser, if not non-existant. He can also get used to having you around again as an authority figure in his life in small bites. Since you've been away for so long, if I was you I might consider letting her have the authority and use yours sparingly on the boy. He seems to be the biggest issue the two of you would have if you were to move home completely at this point. You also need to form a friendlier relationship with the boy. Less authority messages and more fun. Take him fishing type of thing, alone, just the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wilie Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Thankyou YoGoGirl, Appreciate your response. No, neither of us have had affairs, and that was never an issue for us. He definately resents me, no doubt about that. I do not feel i was "unusually strict", no more then setting ground rules etc. We did lots of things together when we all lived as a family, vid games going places, himework,etc. Reconciliation, definately taking it slowly. Will be at least a year before we live together, as we are living 5 hours apart from each other. Still not sure if we will make it, as we are talking about going to a MC (a commitment we both agreed upon before i cancelled the divorce proceedings), and, things change alot on 2 1/2 years, so i may not be the person she remembers, and she may not be the person i remember. But we feel its worth exploring the possiblity since our problems before were mostly communication and inattentiveness. As far as an authority figure in the 17yo's life,.. i am done with that. I will not take any responsiblity for that at this stage, unless he disrespects her in my presense. That would just inflame things and damage whatever fragile marriage we have remaining. Thankyou for your response.. Willie Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 This has the best chances for a success story I've seen here, perhaps, ever. Do keep us informed over the next year! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wilie Posted September 2, 2010 Author Share Posted September 2, 2010 Update: Things going well, we spend time on phone daily, send txts throughout the day and see each other almost every other weekend. First MC session setup for this Sat, neither of us have ever gone this route but we have decided that we are 100% committed to making this marriage work. No real problems popping up yet... Regards, Willie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wilie Posted October 3, 2010 Author Share Posted October 3, 2010 As i am going to say, is don't do it. Epic fail for me.. would advise anyone who is over and ex to not try try a reconciliation after a long time aprt as in my case. For short term aprt, i would advise trying it i guess... now off to yet another recovery for the same person,.. this sucks.. Wilie... Link to post Share on other sites
heartbrokensj Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 As i am going to say, is don't do it. Epic fail for me.. would advise anyone who is over and ex to not try try a reconciliation after a long time aprt as in my case. For short term aprt, i would advise trying it i guess... now off to yet another recovery for the same person,.. this sucks.. Wilie... Oh Willie, I am so sorry to hear that you both were not able to work it out....<<<Hugs>>> Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Unfortunately, is the case in situations here on LS....I hated to hear this news and sorry that this turned out for you this way. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Sorry it didn't work out Willie. While I did not post to your thread before now, I have been following and had very high hopes for you. Keep your head up and let the healing begin. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 I'm sorry to hear this, Willie. I had more hopes for your marriage than most on here. If you ever want to vent, we're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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